Affraid of commitment...? (kinda long post)

[TheLoosingBattle]

This is my first post. I found the site by googling for answers. I've been reading this forum alot and i'm curious what everyone's input is. Here is my story, so bare with me its kinda long...

 

I'm active duty military and so is my girlfriend of 3 years. When i moved here i had a steady girl who i thought i was going to marry. I would've done anything for this girl. We'll call her Nikki. Nikki cheated on me so we broke up and i was heart broken. Around the same time a new girl, Amanda, started working at my work center. I normally don't do work relationships but i didn't think it would turn into anything big. Well, we started seeing each other regularly. Then we got lucky enough to go to the dessert together for 11 months together. how many people get to spend 11 months in Iraq with thier special someone? I fell in love with her over there. When we got back i closed on a house in my name but she moved in with me. We also picked out all our new furniture together so its kinda ours.

 

We've now been together for 3 years. We are the dream couple. All our upper managment look at us as an example. Thy always ask us about the other when were not together. We have everything... 2 nice cars, 2 beautiful dogs, full furnished house, etc. Something straight out of the movies. Amanda cooks and cleans house while i do the dishes and feed the dogs. We may argue about chores every now and then but for the most part we share everything! I trust her 100%. she knows me more than anyone i know. She is perfect!

 

BUT (there is always one of those), I feel like i'm missing something. I've always been in serious relationships and never on my own since high school. I want to know what its like. I want to spread my wings and do whatever-whenever i want. I feel like there is something out there that i'm missig. This has started to play on toll on our relationship cause i'm constantly thinking about this. Amanda is great but i do find flaws in her that get to me. Everyone has flaws though, right? She likes to cuddle but doesn't like to get "intament" like i do. I want it all the time where she could go 2 weeks with out, no problem. I feel like a starving kid by that time. I'm only 24, its almost a neccesity. Thats not the only issue, but just one example. i'm not that shallow.

 

I don't know what to do though. I'm scared to tell her that i want a break. I'm worried i'll be making one of the biggest mistakes of my life. But at the same time if i don't then i'm also worried i'll be making a mistake. Then on top of that, what do we about the house? No way either of us could afford it on our own or even with a room mate. I can't sell it cause the market is so bad. Then Amanda doesn't really own anything. I paid for literally "everything" in the house on my own. She might have gotten a few pots & pans, vacum, but the big stuff... tv, couch, bed room set, etc. is all me. She has nothing. She has no friends. I'm literally all she's got. She relies on me. I'm the rock to her foundation to say the least.

 

I love this girl! i'm worried about her well being along with mine. I feel guilty that i even feel this way. I just don't know what to do... What do you guys think?

 

-TheLoosingBattle

[TheLoosingBattle]

Well, Amanda and i started having a "talk" tonight that lead me into saying everything that was on my mind/heart tonight (basically everything that i first typed up). I hate seeing her cry, especially knowing that i'm causing it. I asked her what we should do and she doesn't know. She is up for anything. Her only responce was "maybe i should see a priest."

 

side note *neither of us are religious people*

 

Now the cat is out the bag and i'm worried about the awkward morning and what it'll be like at work today since we work together.

 

I'm still lost and looking for advice before i do something i'll truely regret. I hate being so confussed with mixed emotions...

 

-TheLoosingBattle

[D-Lish]

So, basically- you are feeling like you have missed out on sewing your wild oats. It might have something to do with the lack of sex.

 

Sex is important in a relationsip. I think as a guy- when the sex starts dwindling- a guy will begin to picture what life would be like without sex.

It will suck- you'll hate it.

 

Did you talk to her about the lack of sex tonight?

 

I dunno, I think that you're young, and probably do need to branch out more than you have.

 

Do you think you'd still feel like something is missing if you were getting laid everyday? That's an important question to ask yourself.

 

If you still think you'd feel like something is missing if you are getting laid every day. You probably aren't ready to settle down.Pay attention to that red flag.

 

DO address the fact that you miss sex and it is causing a big part of you feeling restless.

 

That's every guys worst nightmare right? That you get attached and get comfy and the sex stops.

[sally4sara]

While I can't say for certain that you're making a mistake, I can say it's highly likely.

 

You found a productive partner. Someone who doesn't weight you down or screw up financially. You have shared experiences with this person that cannot be replicated with anyone else. I don't believe in "soulmates" or "the one" but I do know you won't find this with everyone or even many others.

 

Where you are making a mistake is that you seem to believe that personal satisfaction is something you can find in another person. Finding the perfect partner doesn't mean you'll never be restless or bored, or even that you'll never miss out on things. You can't cure these feelings with new people. New experiences can help though, but being with a long term partner doesn't mean you cannot experience new things.

 

Get a different hobby. One you've never explored. Maybe something you both can explore and enjoy together. Also, if you're going to bring turmoil into the life of someone you claim to love, can't you atleast have made an appointment with a couple's counselor and give THAT a shot before just throwing it all away?

[TheLoosingBattle]

The lack of sex is bringing me down and we have talked about it. But, its not everything. She gets pretty upset when i bring it up. her responce is usually "every time you talk about it, that makes is so much worse. Makes me want to have less sex every time you talk about it" Then she isn't very creative (lack of better word) in bed, where i am very adventerous. It does get to me. She acts like its a personal attack when i bring it up.

 

I don't think i'll have a problem being single for a while. I'm more worried about 2 years down the road when i'm ready to settle down will i realise that i make a hudge mistake by letting her go?

 

Tonight i said, maybe we should see a councler. Her exact responce was "Thats kinda wierd cause were not married. Maybe you should talk to a priest. i'm willing to do anything to make it work though." She was very hesitant about the last part.

 

She is ready to settle down, have kids, be the Leave it to Beaver family. I want adventure, fun, Carpe Dieum(sp?). She wants a family, a wedding ring, etc. She says she wants to get out more and etc. but every time i bring up ideas, she shoots them down cause of money or the idea is dumb, etc.

 

I'm also concerned like i mentioned, what will she do? she has no one or anything? i'd even let her stay in the house and i'd move out but there is no way either of us can afford the house on our own. Stupid decision to buy, YES, but to late now. I can't sell it due to the economy. I'd be forced to foreclose.

 

I'm so confussed.... I do appreciate the responces though!

 

-TheLoosingBattle

[Rebellious]

Amanda is in her early 20s? If she's a healthy and normal girl it shouldn't be that hard to seduce her into having more sex. Women tend to "grow" with age in the sex department. If she suggested to "see a priest", maybe she has a religious/conservative background, or she thinks carnal pleasure is "dirty"? She sounds like a wonderful girl, a homemaker, she loves you, she ain't cheating, she's not abusive or controlling... count your blessings dude. If she's a good kisser/cuddler she's perfect in my book. Give it some time, and work on turning her on, you might regret dumping her and ruining what you have together.

[TheLoosingBattle]

Amanda and I both are 24. I've tried everything. She loves to cuddle and affection. She just doesn't like to have a lot of sex. She is either tired, not in the mood, etc. Thats not the only issue though. I hate that it sounds like i'm only after sex cause i'm not, even though it is great.

 

As far as seeing a priest, i know for a fact she is not a religious person. so it was way off the wall for her to say that. I asked why she'd want me to see a priest and she said "i don't know."

 

Your right, i am worried i'll miss her when she is gone and won't be able to get her back. BUT what if i'm ok without her and it really wasn't meant to be. I don't want to find out when its to late.

 

I'm also concerned that IF we do split.. what happens to her? she has no friends or family. she doesn't own anything! plus i'd be forced to foreclose on my house, screw my credit up, etc. its finacially smart to stay together but i want to know if its what my heart wants or not & i can't tell...

[D-Lish]

If she has a low sex drive, that isn't likely to change with time, it will probably get worse. I think it's time you started thinking about whether the two of you are compatible.

 

If she's not willing to even discuss the matter with you when it obviously bothers you- then how can things ever change?

 

I dated someone a couple years ago that had almost zero sex drive. Even in the beginning stages I was lucky if he wanted sex once a week. It took such a toll on me and my self esteem. By the end of the relationship we had so much resentment toward one another that it was clear we would never work out.

[Rebellious]

Amanda and I both are 24. I've tried everything. She loves to cuddle and affection. She just doesn't like to have a lot of sex. She is either tired, not in the mood, etc. Thats not the only issue though. I hate that it sounds like i'm only after sex cause i'm not, even though it is great.

 

As far as seeing a priest, i know for a fact she is not a religious person. so it was way off the wall for her to say that. I asked why she'd want me to see a priest and she said "i don't know."

 

Your right, i am worried i'll miss her when she is gone and won't be able to get her back. BUT what if i'm ok without her and it really wasn't meant to be. I don't want to find out when its to late.

 

I'm also concerned that IF we do split.. what happens to her? she has no friends or family. she doesn't own anything! plus i'd be forced to foreclose on my house, screw my credit up, etc. its finacially smart to stay together but i want to know if its what my heart wants or not & i can't tell...

 

Sex is easy to find, besides it wears out after a while.

 

Never throw away the love of a good woman because you may never find true love again.

[Rebellious]

If she has a low sex drive, that isn't likely to change with time, it will probably get worse. I think it's time you started thinking about whether the two of you are compatible.

 

If she's not willing to even discuss the matter with you when it obviously bothers you- then how can things ever change?

 

I dated someone a couple years ago that had almost zero sex drive. Even in the beginning stages I was lucky if he wanted sex once a week. It took such a toll on me and my self esteem. By the end of the relationship we had so much resentment toward one another that it was clear we would never work out.

 

 

You're just in it for sex?

[You'reasian]

Sounds like you guys have an otherwise strong relationship. Kudos!

 

The two of you should have a talk about the sex issue and work it out somehow. Perhaps you could try using cuddling and other kinds of romance as a gateway to sex?

[D-Lish]

You're just in it for sex?

 

No, of course not. We dated for a year.

He just didn't enjoy sex and I feel it is a healthy expression of how two people feel about one another.

 

We had sex for the first time after 2 months- then went away for a romantic week together. I'd put my hand on his back and he'd snap at me- "don't touch me"... He was like that from the beginning. He even told me he had a low testosterone count and wasn't into sex.

 

After a year of very little physical affection, I started believing I was unattractive and it took a great toll on my self esteem.

 

If I had only been in it for the sex, I wouldn't have endured the lack of sex for an entire year. I'd go to pu my hand on his knee when we were sitting side by side and he'd deflect my hand and say "no!"....

 

I shed 15 lbs when I was with him, went down to 105 (at 5'7") because I thought my body repulsed him.

 

I wasn't just in for the sex.

[TheLoosingBattle]

After talking with my mom she thinks i'd be an idiot to end it. She kinda pointed out alot of the obvious. I told Amanda that i don't want to end it but we have a few issues that need to be worked on. Right now we are still arguing and apparently she has had some built up aggression cause she is letting it out now. I still don't know whats going to happen but were working on it.

 

I did mention the sex and she can't really give an answer. I guess i'm stuck with a girl who has a low sex drive. I do love her though. I'll keep you guys updated.

[Rebellious]

After talking with my mom she thinks i'd be an idiot to end it. She kinda pointed out alot of the obvious. I told Amanda that i don't want to end it but we have a few issues that need to be worked on. Right now we are still arguing and apparently she has had some built up aggression cause she is letting it out now. I still don't know whats going to happen but were working on it.

 

I did mention the sex and she can't really give an answer. I guess i'm stuck with a girl who has a low sex drive. I do love her though. I'll keep you guys updated.

 

 

She doesn't have a "low sex drive", her needs are normal for her, just not the same as yours right now. In 10 years it could be the other way around.

 

You mean your mom advised you on how to get more sex from Amanda?! Really, there are so many ways to turn on a girl, but arguing about it isn't one of them, I hope mom told you that. Anyway, if all you two are arguing about is who's gonna have more sex, you're doing better than most.

[Rebellious]

No, of course not. We dated for a year.

He just didn't enjoy sex and I feel it is a healthy expression of how two people feel about one another.

 

We had sex for the first time after 2 months- then went away for a romantic week together. I'd put my hand on his back and he'd snap at me- "don't touch me"... He was like that from the beginning. He even told me he had a low testosterone count and wasn't into sex.

 

After a year of very little physical affection, I started believing I was unattractive and it took a great toll on my self esteem.

 

If I had only been in it for the sex, I wouldn't have endured the lack of sex for an entire year. I'd go to pu my hand on his knee when we were sitting side by side and he'd deflect my hand and say "no!"....

 

I shed 15 lbs when I was with him, went down to 105 (at 5'7") because I thought my body repulsed him.

 

I wasn't just in for the sex.

 

 

Ha, I had no idea that I could make a girl skinny by starving her that way.

[TheLoosingBattle]

NO, my mom didn't give me sex advice. I don't talk about that kind of stuff in front of my mom. She gave me relationship advice and etc.

 

As fas as Amanda and I... We are "ok" now but she is worried about us. I think we said everything that needed to be said. I have a few things i need to work on as well if i want this to work.

 

Even though i'm not only after sex it seems to be a main topic in this thread. I could go for sex about 3 - 4 times a day. She is happy with once a week. She is also very plain in bed where i like to get buck wild! . I don't know how to change that or even if i can.

[JennaGennaro]

"Even though i'm not only after sex it seems to be a main topic in this thread. I could go for sex about 3 - 4 times a day. She is happy with once a week. She is also very plain in bed where i like to get buck wild! . I don't know how to change that or even if i can."

 

It sounds like you have an old-fashioned girl (I am one, so I recognize the signs). Maybe you need to seduce her or make her feel sexy. I don't know your approach, but maybe you are coming on too strong. Quickies are fun, but some women like to be romanced. I would add more but I have to go.

[TheLoosingBattle]

Jenna,

 

Yes, she is old fashioned for sure. I like old fashioned except when it comes to the bedroom. I like fun and exciting. I don't know how to seduce her any more that what i have. Any ideas are helpful i guess.

[JennaGennaro]

Well, if seducing her is really the main problem, I would suggest going to a book store or, like I do, go read the reviews for various books on Amazon. Find some relationship book that focuses on being romantic and intimate. There are TONS out there. Another idea is to get a romantic board game or get some body paint. Watch movies like 9 1/2 weeks (the food scene) or things like that and come up with your own take on things. If there are things that you would like her to work on with you, you might read a Cosmopolitan magazine together. They are full of ideas for better sex and simpler things such as massage.

 

Also, if your old-fashioned girl is somewhat hesitant to initiate things with you (as I am with my husband), then when she does, make sure you are in the mood. There is nothing worse for us old-fashioned girls to make a move on our man only for him to be too tired that night. It is a self-esteem thing, but it stings and it doesn't make you want to try it again for fear of rejection --- no matter how many times you tell us we are beautiful and turn you on. I don't know if Amanda has low self-esteem or body issues like I do, but I wasn't always this way. Other men have done this to me and it could be the same for your girl. Just be patient with her and talk openly about what you want. I don't know what your comfort level is with talking about sex with her, but you need to get to a point where you could discuss anything.

 

With Valentine's Day approaching, this gives you a good opportunity to really woo her. You don't have to break the bank, but do something special and unique. Don't just do what all the other guys out there do.

 

I try not to get too personal, but you sound like you are in the same situation my husband was in with me, so I will share.

 

I have been with my husband for just about 11 years. We did not get married until 1 1/2 years ago, but we lived together all the other time. In the beginning, things are great. You can't keep your hands off of each other. Then, you become like roommates at times and the sex is not as often. There were numerous times throughout my relationship where he told me he just didn't love me anymore. It wasn't anything I did, but it was just because we were not having sex as often as he would like. Once we got back on track, we were fine. I understand that men especially relate the amount of intimacy in a relationship to how deeply they feel for their woman. So if you aren't having sex regularly or enough, then you might fall out of love (or you just think you do). Then this leads to thoughs of greener pastures.

 

Anyway, my husband eventually proposed to me. In the beginning, he wanted to marry me, but I said it was too soon because we had credit card debt. After that was taken care of, he wasn't ready and wasn't sure if he ever would be. I didn't push, but I am also 3 years older than him and realized he might not be ready, so I waited. I probably should have moved on instead of waiting so long, but he was perfect in every way. Eventually he realized I was the only woman he wanted to be with for the rest of his life and we got married. We have our first child due this summer. It was a long road for my husband, but he realized that while things were not perfect (it never is), he knew how much I loved him and that we really did have a strong union and he didn't want to go through the trouble of trying to find some other girl who might have been better in bed and who gave him more frequent sex, but who might also be lacking in other areas and not care about the other things in life that matter just as much.

 

So do you really want to throw away everything that is good with Amanda for the sake of sewing your wild oats and trying to find some other girl who is better in bed and gives it to you more often (which, unless she is a nyphomaniac, will just dwindle anyway)? I don't think you do.

 

You have to know about these poor people who thought they could do better and cheated or didn't, but left something good and now they are lonely and on the internet for dates. It really is not that easy to find good people with good morals these days. If you found that, then you are extremely lucky.

 

Before I met my current husband, I briefly dated this guy. I recently found out he has been married four times in less than 15 years. Apparently he is not afraid of marriage, but something keeps happening that he can't stay with the same girl. Meanwhile, I have been with my husband for almost 11 years. I don't think you want to be like that guy. Divorce can be expensive!

 

And if you need any further evidence of how bad things can be, just read some of the posts on the infidelity and OW boards. I hope my long-winded post gave you some ideas and food for thought. I will check back and see how you are doing and if you have any questions. Good LUCK!

[JennaGennaro]

"I'm also concerned that IF we do split.. what happens to her? she has no friends or family. she doesn't own anything! plus i'd be forced to foreclose on my house, screw my credit up, etc. its finacially smart to stay together but i want to know if its what my heart wants or not & i can't tell... "

 

Sorry, I didn't catch the part about Amanda not having friends or family. That isn't a good thing in a relationship. It is important for each person to have an outlet. Your girl sounds just like me. I have a big family back East, but we live on the West. Luckily I have my sister out here with me or I would have no one. I am good at making friends, but we moved so much for my husband's job that I just didn't retain them. I am friendly at work with co-workers, but it is just business.

 

Anyway, I would encourage (but not force) Amanda to make friends. Maybe you have a guy friend who has a girlfriend and the four of you could go on a double date or something. If you are the only person in her life besides your dogs, it is just not good for her. Maybe she is a homebody like me, but she should still be going out with a girlfriend now and then and you should have a guys' night out. I would work on the romance/seduction thing first and build her self-esteem and then work on getting her some friends. If she was out doing things with the girls, she might be more excited to have sex with you - just a thought.

[TheLoosingBattle]

Jenna,

 

Your post really hit the nail on the head. I think you just described Amanda & I to a "T." Except we have only been together for 3 years instead of 11.

 

I have decided she is the one for me and i'm going to stick it out. She is great! She just needs to explore her kinky side . Thats going to be the hard part.

 

Thanks for your post though and congrats on the new baby!

[JennaGennaro]

Thank you for the wishes for the baby on the way and your nice post.

 

I am glad that you are looking at this another way. I think these days people are to quick to discard something very good for something they think might be stellar, only to find out that they were wrong and lost a really good person in the process. I'm glad you have reconsidered. Three years in a committed relationship is nothing to sneeze at. Some people don't make it three months or three weeks. I think you have a great foundation.

 

I think your best bet is to talk to Amanda about what you would like to do in the bedroom as openly and honestly as you can. I would do just about anything my husband wanted, except for the back door stuff (TMI). As long as he was gentle and patient with me and made me feel sexy and safe with him, he could coax me, but he wouldn't necessarily see me initiating it. There is just something in me that fears that and believes the man should do the initiating the majority of the time. It's possible Amanda just doesn't like to initiate. Give it some time and she will become a little more adventurous. I still think getting some books, instructional videos, or something along those lines will be a good idea.