she says her heart is broken and she is having a hard time falling back in love

[sean001]

hi wiseluv

 

no i actually did not tell her to email you... i wonder if at this point she might get turned off by knowing that i am posting out problems on some anonymous website! But I do very much appreciate your offer.

 

We didn't talk for 2 days and after that I finally got nervous that the silence would only equate greater misunderstanding. I mean, as long as we're committed, we should at least be in touch right?

 

So this weekend she is basically blowing me off and I'm wondering if it's time I had a "talk" to find out what is going on with her... but I know my motives are purely for my own sake -- I can't sleep, can't eat, and am feeling like I'm totally falling apart over this situation and it's only because it's hanging out here up in the air without any real resolution. If I know that she doesn't want this to work, then I can take the steps to move on, but right now, I'm still HOLDING on and it's making me physically sick.

 

I never would have imagined in a million years that this woman would have made me feel this way, but she captured my heart somehow and I just hope she will take good care of it...

[wiseluv34]

hello sean,

i would advise you to go over to her house, or call/email her, and request that you 2 meet immediately, like tonight...to have some serious conversations! tell her that if she isn't serious a/b your relationship..then you must carry on. life is short.

you shouldn't be miserable like you are, love isn't suppose to hurt. ask yourself, why is she keeping you hanging like this? b/c if she TRULY love you, then she wouldn't want you to suffer too much longer. pls just approach her and ask her what's up? are you 2 being committed? or is it just YOU being committed?

sounds like she's maybe having a party and moving on, playing with your mind in the meantime.

good luck, i hope you get a good response from her! but there's no better time like the present, to make your approach. she may not even be worried a/b your feelings, who knows? maybe she's just out to get you back? pls let me know what she tells you.

p.s., a/b my issue, i went ahead and let the guy know that i'm moving on, he haven't made any steps to better our circumstance, so no need in my standing still. i figure he'll probably approach me over what i told him, b/c last time i threatened to end it, he called and expressed himself. if he isn't ready to move on and forget his past hurts, then i can't help him. he isn't including me anyways, so i just told him that i'm gone. i deserve a hell of a lot more! holla back

[sean001]

Thanks wiseluv, i always appreciate your kind advice.

 

I am going to approach her on Sunday. I made a couple offers to go out Saturday night, or Sunday afternoon, and she was very cool to the idea. I also offered to stop by and see her tonight, but she never called me to have me come over.

 

The bottom line is that I didn't talk to her for a few days, made an attempt at contacting her and seeing her, and she expressed no interest. It's been like this for 2 weeks.

 

So on Sunday afternoon I'm going to call her and let her know that we need to talk... I'll ask her if she'll want to meet at the park, or I'll come over if she doesn't feel like going out. I will approach her, flowers in hand, to express my understanding of her hurt, my desire to work things out, and to ask her if she has it in her heart to move forward. I'll also make sure I listen a whole bunch if she has anything to say, and try to talk as little as possible. However, I want to let her know that the ball is in her court when I leave. I can't keep making offers to get together and have them turned down, or to get zero reciprocation whatsoever. It's not healthy for me and I deserve better treatment.

 

But at the same time, I want the focus to be less on me and more on her feelings. She needs that right now.

 

I would have much rather gone out with her and done something fun instead of having to approach her with this "heavy" issue, but I can't take her out if she doesn't accept any invitations with me to go.

 

I won't put on any demands for her to "give me an answer" right away or anything like that. I need to be patient. She was with me all this time.

[Velvet Eel]

I know it's driving you crazy to wait, but if I were you, I wouldn't ask to see her on Sunday. You keep doing this--approaching her, being accomodating, offering help, asking for dates--and she keeps shooting you down. Unless you treated her this rudely when she was in love with you, I can't read anything into this but a rejection from her. Yet you want to show up with flowers and be "understanding" and ask for more from her--some kind of definition, etc. Take her lead! Back way off. Let her come to you.

 

You say you can't go on with this uncertainty, but you can. You can go on like this for another week or ten days. And if she hasn't contacted you, you have your answer. Save the flowers for the next time she's really nice to you, or for the next girl.

[wiseluv34]

hello sean, thanks for replying and i enjoy exchanging love talk and opinions with you. but, i do admit that you have to follow your own heart, and if it still doesn't work...then just pls move on, don't just keep putting yourself out there, just to be hurt. i know from experience...that love hurts when it isn't the "right person". that's why i have my feelings on guard right now..if a man i'm involved with begins to shy away from me, i just let them..no use holding anyone back if it isn't to be anyways. and if it's for me, he'll always return to me...changed and ready for the real thing.

and i do agree with eel, he sounds smart. try to take his advice for a while, and see how she reacts. she SHOULDN'T be taking advantage of your feelings for her, just b/c they're there..

but, since you've already gotten a plan for this weekend, go ahead and talk to her. see what her true feelings and thoughts are of you. and when you truly know her feelings about you, then you can better go from there. eel had some good advice, but it's easier said than done...(no offense eel)

let me know sean, how it turns out. good luck and go for it!

[sean001]

maybe it's selfish, but for my own personal well-being, I can't wait another week or 10 days.... my work and my health are suffering and I shouldn't have to suffer this month during a relationship.... also, and more importantly, during our "dating" I would disappear for periods of time, no phone calls or explanation, and she has expressed to me her fear that I will do that again. If I do so now, then it's guaranteed only to confirm her fear about me and that will be the end.

 

I think a true and genuine interest in how she is doing and what I can do -- concern for where she is at and what her feelings are -- is the kind of affirmation she may need to know that I am serious about this.

 

However, she may not want to even deal with the situation... I haven't seen her in a while so I have no clue exactly what to expect... so I need to be flexible.... I'm still trying to figure out exactly what to say and how to approach her... the whole thing is just so "unnatural" that it drives me crazy....

 

But I really appreciate your thoughts, Eel... it is wise advice and I just wish I had the capacity to take it.

[sean01]

Well I attempted to see her today, but she never returned my phone calls. I called twice, told her I wanted to stop by (but not that I was bringing over flowers to apologize and talk about our future) and asked if she could let me know what her schedule is like.

 

She never called me back -- even just to say no time was a good time.

 

I don't know what happened this weekend, but obviously I already know my answer. However, I already bought the flowers and instead of tossing them (which maybe I should) I wrote her a long letter apologizing for any hurt I caused, telling her I was serious about making a lifetime committment, but saying that it is unfair to her for me to push her into something that she obviously is not ready for, but I'll be there for her if she wants me to be. I ended by saying I wouldn't call or write and that she can get back to me when she makes up her mind if she wants a future here.

 

I don't know if I'll ever speak to her again, but I know I needed to leave this situation knowing that I did the absolute most for only the second girl I ever loved, and the only one I ever envisioned in a wedding dress and did not mind one bit...

[Velvet Eel]

Sean, I'm so sorry for you that things have turned out this way. I know you'll keep hoping to hear from her, but if you don't, or if this kind of treatment turns out to be routine for her, I hope you'll step away. There is something to be said for a dignified exit. Don't chase her anymore. She'll look back one day and see that--even if it wasn't meant to be--she missed out on a good guy.

 

You know, too, that there's a lot to be said for reverse psychology. If she still has conflicted feelings, your distance and your unavailability--the appearance that you've gone on with your life, and are doing great things--will make you look incredibly attractive to her. (Not that this should sway you, considering her behavior these last weeks, but it's soothing to the ego.) Let those flowers (I guess you already delivered them) be your last gesture. I think the note is gentlemanly, but probably won't move her in her current mood. She sounds angry. Either she wasn't honest with you when she said she'd re-commit herself, or she's punishing you. In either case, you can do better than this, and you will.

 

Good luck in moving on.

[wiseluv34]

hi sean, why didn't you just go over to her house? instead of just calling, going in person might've looked more like you're serious. i still think you should try harder and talk to her in person, if you really love her. she probably think you aren't serious, b/c of the way you presented yourself in the past. just show up at her doorstep, TALK TO HER IN PERSON..so you can really know what's up with her, and then if she doesn't want you in her life, you can move on more freely...or at least you'll know. LOVE HAS NO ENDS, it's enduring. see, i'm a lady..and i can tell you more a/b how a woman feels, or go about things. i had a guy that i dated for 4yrs, i loved him and he loved me, although he was like you said you were, he wanted to have his cake...and eat it too. he wanted to date me, and then go off and do his own thing. well, afer i broke up with him...he came back into my life, he actually stalked me..and it was too late for us, so i just changed my phone number all together. i just didn't love him anymore, and i still don't. he still desires me, but i despise him b/c he hurt me over and over again. see, sometimes we guard our hearts for so long, towards somebody..that when that person finally come around....it's just too little, too late.

and i feel that your girlfriend, has gotten her feelings for you under control, and she might not want to go backwards with you. they say that when someone hurt you once, that they'll do it again. maybe you should just move on, especially if she isn't the same towards you. some people can't forget the past, so it's best for them to just move on to the future.

keep me posted

P.S. MAKE SURE THAT SHE ISN'T INVOLVED WITH ANOTHER GUY, HE COULD BE KEEPING HER BUSY, TOO.

[sean001]

Thank you all for replying. Let me tell you the crazy story -- when I wrote that email on Sunday I was just leaving to drop off the flowers and the note as my "last" gesture... while I was ON MY WAY, I checked my home voicemail from my cell and found a message from HER! She was on her way to work and said that she injured her back (which happens often because she was in a car accident) and was in bed all day trying to rest for work at 10:00pm.

 

So immediately I decided to change my idea since there was obviously some hope here -- I still dropped off the flowers and an apology card for the hurt I caused and left it be.

 

The next day, she sent me a warm thank you for the flowers -- that it was just what she needed -- and I told her that she probably deserves many more from me for the hurt and I hope we can move forward.

 

She responded to "not waste my money on her" so I made one additional gesture that day by sending her more flowers to let her know I was serious. She again thanked me warmly for those flowers.

 

I then asked if I could come over later and she said she "may have some time tonight."

 

By the time I got out of work, there was a message that she got called back to work and that she would call me when she got home. I left her a message saying that she could call me anytime when she gets in.

 

She never called, and the next morning, there was no email or anything from her.

 

So I was twisted by this point and made a decision that we needed to talk NOW about what is going on -- too many mixed signals. So I got out of work early and called her. She was at work -- no apology for not calling or anything... and then she mentioned that she had "Jeff's truck" (who was a guy she was dating right before she said she would commit to me) and that her car was "not at home."

 

And finally, I said -- we need to talk, you've been avoiding me, and she said she was "trying to get her head together"... and "I can't see you now, and I don't know when I can see you.... It makes me sad." I said "Why?" and she said "I don't know, but I can't see you until I find out."

 

I took the high road and just said that if she ever wanted to talk, call me. I offered to be patient and stay committed until she made up her mind, but after I hung up I realized the finality of what she said and the true reality of what is going on. I felt pathetic! So it's over as far as I'm concerned -- no more contact from me.

 

She blew me off, didn't have the guts to tell me she had changed her mind about re-committing, and is spending significant amounts of time with another man. While I'm devastated, I know that my energies are no longer deserved here. Whether this was some sort of twisted revenge is unclear -- but I do feel misled.

 

Nevertheless, I hope someday we will have a nice "be friends" talk because we spent so much time together and she was instrumental in holding me up during the loss of my father and my best friend -- I couldn't have made it without her. But I realize that what she gave, she gave when I could not return it. If another woman ever comes into my life with that level of devotion again, it will always be reciprocated. It was just unfortunate that at the time I was unable to give what she gave to me -- it was some denial on my part to avoid all the feelings I really had. The last couple weeks only reconfirmed that I would not have been able to handle those feelings at any other time except now. I'm glad that things ended now instead of while I was still grieving those heavy losses because I would not have been able to handle it any other time. It's just a shame our timing was so off.

 

Anyway, I'm sure she'll be married in 6 months and I'll have to feel this again. This was the first time in my life I seriously considered that she could be "it" and that this could last a lifetime. At least I know I'll be ready for the next one.

 

Thank you again, Eel, and Wiseluv, for your support and your advice during this time.

[Velvet Eel]

Sean, again, I'm so sorry. This must feel terrible. But it is better to know. She's been trying to decide between you and another man. Or, more likely, she's moved on, but still has lingering feelings for you. Take that as a testament of how much you meant to her, and rebuild your life without her. Please don't hesitate to post again if you need support during the "recovery" phase.

[wiseluv34]

well, at least you know that she's been busy with someone else. i'm sorry, but all things happen for reasons. she went about it all wrong, she should have been OPEN with you. she apparently just didn't want to hurt your feelings. so, now you can just close that chapter of your life, and move on. it would've been good, if you would have just told her that you "get the message", after she mentioned the other guys name. she let you know that she'd spent the night with this other man. so, just maybe leave her a email, telling her that you've moved on. tell her that she's totally free, to be with the other guy.

at least you've LEARNED from this relationship, that will help you in the future. god bless

wiseluv

p.s. sometimes when we aren't there for someone when they need us, it will be possible that they won't be there when we need them. peace