CORE ISSUES: How can I correct these?

[DSM-IV Tom]

I am going to put myself under blast, no sugar coating here, for the sake of my future. I will not hold back any punches on myself, and would really appreciate some help on how I can fix these.

 

 

 

Here's my core issues that I must destroy, but have no idea how:

 

1). I get attached too quickly, because I want to. The security of a relationship is very desirable.

2). I tend to move quickly in the relationship, because I love how it feels to deeply care about someone and have someone deeply care about you as well.

3). The more affection the better. I prefer display of affection and I like giving it as well.

4). Insecurities. No trust issues though. I don't wonder if I'm being cheated on or anything.

 

 

 

I've exhausted all the obvious things, such as narcissism or dependent disorder. I was found by a professional to not be suffering from any personality or mental disorders. That's why this is so confusing... I don't know why I prefer this style, or how to correct it...

 

Any help is appreciated.

 

 

Some things that have happened in my life that I deem possible reasons for the way I am now.

 

At 9 years old, my mom died. I fear I didn't ever deal with this properly.

When I was a little kid, I was made fun of because I was always smaller til around 17 years old.

[bubblegum]

Did you find a strong female role model after your mother died? If so, when, where and how?

[DSM-IV Tom]

Ah, very good question bubblegum, as usual you are observant... but no, I actually didn't. And honestly, I never even thought about that until you just brought it up. (How odd?).

 

I never found a strong female role model since... don't think I ever even looked...

[bubblegum]

Not odd, we have so much info swirling about ourselves it's difficult to pick out the important pieces when self-examining. But obviously you're ready to, because you just laid out the important pieces.

 

Anyway, setting the female thing aside for a moment, how was and is your relationship with your father? How would you describe him as an individual, his strengths and weaknesses, and how would you describe his role in your life, currently and as a child?

[ruggy]

Dude,

 

1). I get attached too quickly, because I want to. The security of a relationship is very desirable.

 

- Same way. What I do is take it slow (my steps) and think twice before doing something stupid. Don't call or txt too often. Just enough that shows you care, but not that your life revolves around her. Most women do not want someone who is on them 24/7.

 

2). I tend to move quickly in the relationship, because I love how it feels to deeply care about someone and have someone deeply care about you as well.

May, but it also may make you seem clingy. In a relationship, most women want an independent man who has their own life, job, responsibilities. You hanging on everything she does may make you look undesirable after the honeymoon period.

 

3). The more affection the better. I prefer display of affection and I like giving it as well.

 

Depends. How well can you read your partner's face, body language and tone of voice?

 

4). Insecurities. No trust issues though. I don't wonder if I'm being cheated on or anything.

 

That's a plus.

[Geishawhelk]

I am going to put myself under blast, no sugar coating here, for the sake of my future. I will not hold back any punches on myself, and would really appreciate some help on how I can fix these.

Here's my core issues that I must destroy, but have no idea how:

 

1). I get attached too quickly, because I want to. The security of a relationship is very desirable.

No.The desire to be loved as much, is very desirable.

2). I tend to move quickly in the relationship, because I love how it feels to deeply care about someone and have someone deeply care about you as well

 

Tom, this isn't love, this is desperation.

"Please let it work this time, please, pleeease, oh, PLEEASE!! Look, look how loving I am, I'm a real good catch, honest, and I will make you happy - Oh, go on! Make me happy too! You know you want to.....!"

3). The more affection the better. I prefer display of affection and I like giving it as well.

Display of affection - or smothering?

 

4). Insecurities. No trust issues though. I don't wonder if I'm being cheated on or anything.

I rest my case.

You bluster and blither blindly on, willing things to work, desperate to make them work, and so throw caution to the wind. And then - hang on - she's not playing the same way I am..... Wonder why?" And here comes the self-sabotage Goblin again..... The Noive of it....!

 

 

 

I've exhausted all the obvious things, such as narcissism or dependent disorder. I was found by a professional to not be suffering from any personality or mental disorders. That's why this is so confusing... I don't know why I prefer this style, or how to correct it...

You want to be understood Appreciated and Loved.

And who doesn't? We all do.

But we come with agendas and baggage, and hurl them gleefully into the ring, and expect our SO to be able to deal with them when we undo the latch and open the Pandora's Box.

What we forget is that they've just done the same thing.....

Two Pandora's boxes, fighting for centre stage.....

 

Some things that have happened in my life that I deem possible reasons for the way I am now.

 

At 9 years old, my mom died. I fear I didn't ever deal with this properly.

If you fear this to be the case, chances are (with the perception I know you have) that there's a lot more to this.....

How would you fgo about dealing with this?

 

When I was a little kid, I was made fun of because I was always smaller til around 17 years old.

 

Hey, now, here I completely get it. I am tiny and went through the mill all my life.

People still say to me, "Aren't you small!?" (No, really? Thanks!)

 

And the classic:

"Oh. You sounded taller on the 'phone!" WTF....?

[DSM-IV Tom]

Thanks to you all for your replies. I have read over every one so far and have gained something from them.

 

As for you bubblegum, my father is somewhat distant. I don't really laugh when I'm around him, I kind of feel uptight. But he was always a good father. He expected a lot and can miss out on things that I am interested in, but he is also very supportive financially (I know this isn't as great as mentally). He does care. He tends to have a cold attitude with me, though. Probably where I picked up mine.

[bubblegum]

Thanks to you all for your replies. I have read over every one so far and have gained something from them.

 

As for you bubblegum, my father is somewhat distant. I don't really laugh when I'm around him, I kind of feel uptight. But he was always a good father. He expected a lot and can miss out on things that I am interested in, but he is also very supportive financially (I know this isn't as great as mentally). He does care. He tends to have a cold attitude with me, though. Probably where I picked up mine.

 

Distant and cold, leaving you feeling a bit uptight, as in worrying about acting naturally around him. Does that equal emotionally unavailable?

 

Are you occasionally cold towards people you care about?

[DSM-IV Tom]

Possibly emotionally unavailable. Nice observation.

 

As for whether I'm cold around people I care about... hmm... I really have a strong voice in my head that tells me logic and positive ways to act. Very rarely (if ever) will I unjustifiably be mean to someone I care about. If they warrant it though I may get in an argument but I find that I pretty much have not even allowed my anger to surface at someone close to me sometimes even while warranted. I have the plan to go to a punching bag and just release all the rage on it instead of on people I care about.

 

People I DON'T care about, though, who I deem idiots/something else negative, I will be mean to. Usually for a reason though. I don't like to just be mean to someone for no reason.

[bubblegum]

Ah, being cold toward does not equal being mean to, or demonstrating anger toward.

 

Repressing anger toward another, even when your anger toward them is warranted, comes off as cold. Cold comes off as indifference. Indifference comes off as unloved.

 

I only asked if you were occasionally cold because you said you might have picked up your cold attitude from your dad... did I read that wrong?

[DSM-IV Tom]

Oh no you are very right. I looked at that too literally... I saw it as cold as in meanness/cruelty.

 

Sometimes I am distant, yes. You got that right. I don't let it get to a ****ed up distance though. But I can be distant and colder...

[bubblegum]

Oh no you are very right. I looked at that too literally... I saw it as cold as in meanness/cruelty.

 

Sometimes I am distant, yes. You got that right. I don't let it get to a ****ed up distance though. But I can be distant and colder...

 

Ok, and so I assume your dad wasn't mean or cruel, just a little distant and more cold than you'd like?

 

And you have no strong female role model, no one who's loved you unconditionally?

 

Colder? What do you mean? Cold-er is a comparison... to whom are you comparing?

[DSM-IV Tom]

My dad never abused me or told me I couldn't do something with my life or anything. Not abusive. Distant, though, yes. That's about all that I have to complain about with him.

 

And the only girls who've loved me unconditionally were my ex's. :/

 

And by colder I meant no comparison. I just meant colder... in general. Do you understand what I mean? It's tough to describe. Not warm but colder.

[bubblegum]

My dad never abused me or told me I couldn't do something with my life or anything. Not abusive. Distant, though, yes. That's about all that I have to complain about with him.

 

And the only girls who've loved me unconditionally were my ex's. :/

 

And by colder I meant no comparison. I just meant colder... in general. Do you understand what I mean? It's tough to describe. Not warm but colder.

 

No, I don't understand what you mean by not warm, but colder. That's a comparison. Colder than what?

 

Unconditional love has to be accepted before it's given. Do you know what that means?

[kizik]

I think that bringing these issues up with a therapist instead of an online forum is the best idea. I'm not being sarcastic at all; in fact I started therapy myself just last week.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Yeah I'm looking into therapy. Have been for a while. Anything positive to report about it kizik?

 

And I guess I'm colder than the average person sometimes. That's all.

 

Today, there was this older lady in my class (like 40 something lady) who was VERY subtlety arrogant. Like, she was VERY haughty but trying to not be over the top about it. VERY pretentious. And she was ****ing annoying, I had to work in a group with her. Many times I thought about grabbing her head and smashing it through the computer she was sitting next to. Then knocking her unconscious.

 

Hey don't look at me like that! I'm like Eminem! I swear, I'm not TOO crazy!

 

"The only difference between me and ya'll is I got the balls to say it, I don't gotta be false or sugar coat it at all".

 

LMAO!!

[DSM-IV Tom]

I am not Tommy nor Eminem, but rather Thomas X.

 

 

And cali, thank you, I really appreciate that outlook you have said. It's very valid, and I should and WILL indeed put it to good use.

[kizik]

Kizik, you're a freak.

 

I really appreciate your insults. You bring so much positivity and insight to this site. We are so lucky to have you.

[kizik]

Kizik, you're a freak.. I'm a friend.

 

Yeah, that's just how my friends talk to me. It's been a while since I've talked to someone so rude; thanks for reminding me just how awful some people can be.

[kizik]

Yeah I'm looking into therapy. Have been for a while. Anything positive to report about it kizik?

 

Just started it, so I'm not sure... but it is good to be able to talk to someone without having insults hurled at me. Oh well, that's why this site is free... all the animals can come out and fling sh*t at one another.

[kizik]

For my 1600th post, I want to dedicate it to bubblegum.

 

Little girl, I am so sorry that your life sucks so much that you need to go onto an anonymous forum and call someone a "freak" who you don't know, and who only wants to help people as well as help himself get through hard times.

 

You are obviously in the wrong place, little girl. This is a support site. You are a mean, vindictive, unhappy person. There are plenty of sites on the internet where you can call people freaks, jerks, and other unmentionable names.

 

Go to those sites. Just go away. You represent everything negative about people. It is a real shame that you choose to speak to people this way. I feel sorry for you.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Lol kizik we have our battles here and there but all around I like you.

 

But if you think THIS site has animals, let me introduce you to two sites. 4chan, and Gamefaqs. Check them out, and you will cling to this site like herpes on a whore because those two sites are nothing short of virtual cancer, and the people on them generally are personified cancer, amplified.

 

If you do make an account on gamefaqs, go to the "Current Events" forum after your account has been open 3 days. (It's a requirement to have an open account for at least 3 days). That forum single handedly ruined my life for over a year, oh my ****ing GOD.

 

(Btw, I am not really telling you to go to those sites. STAY THE HELL AWAY FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. THEY HAVE THE POWER TO SINGLE HANDEDLY RUIN YOUR FAITH IN HUMANITY. THEY'RE THAT POWERFUL).

[Geishawhelk]

This all and said, I have to come down on Kizik's side of the fence here.

I saw Bubblegum's posts and whilst I think s/he made some good points I really didn't think any of the comments directed at Kizik were called for, at all.

Not nice, not fair, not polite.

Unwarranted, unsolicited, uncalled for.

 

Just bimbling.....

[kizik]

Thanks for the support Geisha (which is why we're all here anyway). I alerted the mods at her behavior but I don't think they care. Let this it be a lesson to me to ignore those who only want to try to bring me down.