lies

[Ostia]

Hi,

 

I have this huge issue.

I'm with my first bf for like 1 year and 4 month now and I'm his first gf and also the first person he ever kissed. Well forme he was the second but i told him it was my first as well.

Well, i never really considered it a lie cause it was a girl while i was completely drunk. I know for most people that is definitively a kiss and counts as such but I supressed it. I grew up in a moral environment which considered any homosexual act a 'sin'/'crime' and so i felt emberrassed but also disgusted by myself. I have been hating myself for it ever since and because i felt that any guy would think the same i assumed that a guy would never date me should he ever know about it. Well after being toghether for my bf for so long now and being really happy in the relationship i felt as if i should tell him cause i trusted him completely and thought that our relationship can deal with it. but it looks as if it cant.My boyfriend just sees me as a lier now and he says he doesnt know if he canever trust me againcause he doesnt know if it was just that what i didnt tell him.He also doesnt get the sin part cause hes not religious or anything at all.

I know i should have told him earlier buti was so scared ofloosing him and now itlooks as if i am. i love him so much but dont know how i can regain his trust or i just dont know anything at all.

PLEASE i need justsome kind of adviceplease

[Frankasy]

Before I give you any advice would you mind telling me how old the two of you are because you sound a bit young since you're his first and he's your first and been together for only a year.

[Ostia]

Before I give you any advice would you mind telling me how old the two of you are because you sound a bit young since you're his first and he's your first and been together for only a year.

 

He's 19

I'm 21

(if it changes anything: we are currently (for 4 month now) in an LDR - he lives in Japan, I live in the UK))

[Frankasy]

He's 19

I'm 21

(if it changes anything: we are currently (for 4 month now) in an LDR - he lives in Japan, I live in the UK))

 

Yeah ok.

 

Well it's simple, just tell him the truth, that you were embarrassed about it and didn't want to tell him, that him knowing won't change your relationship etc etc. Since he's your first and you are his first, mention it as a point to get the ball in your court. Mention all the good times you've had to overshadow your past event because it truly is unimportant since it won't effect your relationship. Honesty is the key.

[Ostia]

Yeah ok.

 

Well it's simple, just tell him the truth, that you were embarrassed about it and didn't want to tell him, that him knowing won't change your relationship etc etc. Since he's your first and you are his first, mention it as a point to get the ball in your court. Mention all the good times you've had to overshadow your past event because it truly is unimportant since it won't effect your relationship. Honesty is the key.

 

That's what I thought too... so I told him and I forgot to mention in my first post... he says not only that he doesnt know anymore if he can trust me but also that he feels dirty because he touched me and gave me his first kiss.

[Frankasy]

That's what I thought too... so I told him and I forgot to mention in my first post... he says not only that he doesnt know anymore if he can trust me but also that he feels dirty because he touched me and gave me his first kiss.

 

I see. You know there comes a part where between two people, not matter how close they are with one another, one of them realizes that it's just not worth it. I'm not saying that you should break up with him but start seeing that image of him being everything for you as something that won't last forever.

 

Anyways let's focus on the present. Sorry to say this but your bf seriously sounds like a pussy because he gave you his first kiss while you had kissed a girl previously. Seriously WTF? What did he do afterwords, cry? He's acting as if he's given you his life and you did something horrible with it. Seriously it's just a kiss. I'm pretty sure from your posts that he's not mature enough especially if he's making such a big fuss about a small detail. The choice is yours but seriously don't ignore the idea of leaving him because I'm sure that there will be other men, not boys like him, for you.

[Ostia]

I see. You know there comes a part where between two people, not matter how close they are with one another, one of them realizes that it's just not worth it. I'm not saying that you should break up with him but start seeing that image of him being everything for you as something that won't last forever.

 

Anyways let's focus on the present. Sorry to say this but your bf seriously sounds like a pussy because he gave you his first kiss while you had kissed a girl previously. Seriously WTF? What did he do afterwords, cry? He's acting as if he's given you his life and you did something horrible with it. Seriously it's just a kiss. I'm pretty sure from your posts that he's not mature enough especially if he's making such a big fuss about a small detail. The choice is yours but seriously don't ignore the idea of leaving him because I'm sure that there will be other men, not boys like him, for you.

 

thank you for the honest reply. I know it's all pretty f... up. I'll see how he'll react when he came down a bit. I hope that i wont need other men...but still appreciate the comment cause it somhow made me feel better!

[Frankasy]

thank you for the honest reply. I know it's all pretty f... up. I'll see how he'll react when he came down a bit. I hope that i wont need other men...but still appreciate the comment cause it somhow made me feel better!

 

No problem and in fact I wanna confess something, I kinda went against my own advice when I told this. The thing is I always date older women and a problem that my friends always raise when I'm with them is that you're older and they know more than me. I reply that I'm the guy and have control despite the age differences. In your case you should actually tell him to listen to you cause you are older than him even though I'm sure that he won't. Still use it as a card, who knows.

[Ostia]

No problem and in fact I wanna confess something, I kinda went against my own advice when I told this. The thing is I always date older women and a problem that my friends always raise when I'm with them is that you're older and they know more than me. I reply that I'm the guy and have control despite the age differences. In your case you should actually tell him to listen to you cause you are older than him even though I'm sure that he won't. Still use it as a card, who knows.

 

thanks! good to hear from a guy who is at least age wise in the same situation as him

[Ostia]

does anyone have any other suggestions or comments on the story? would be welcomed!! thanks!!!

[Davey McG]

I agree with Franksay. Its some good advice!

[Chinook]

I think from your BFs point of view, what he's upset about is not the kiss as such, it's that he trusted you and he had you on a pedestal of perfection. You claimed to give him your first kiss, as he gave you his. Then later he discovers that's not actually true. What this means is that it has taken away that imagery of perfection that he had of you and that's why he feels it is difficult to trust you. At yours and his age, these kinds of things are kind of idealistic and when someone lives up to that ideal - it is a mind blowing experience... whereas you have just told him, that's not actually true. I don't know whether he will get over it, that depends on who he is as a person.

 

What I would point out to him is the following....

 

(a) You felt embarrassed and that's why you kept it to yourself for so long.

(b) Your respect for him and your relationship, made you come clean and tell him the truth about the kiss because you felt it was important that he knows of your weaknesses as well as your strengths

© Point out to him that despite your weakness, you have faith in him that he can overcome this issue and he can trust you that you had his best interest at heart and the health of your relationship.

 

and for you...

 

This should teach you that sometimes, things which we do in a moment of madness may actually have repercussions down the line. Additionally, it's not so much what happens which matters but the way we deal with it. I doubt your boyfriend would be that bothered about this had he known at the start of your relationship that the first kiss had already gone.

 

I hope it works out.

[O'Malley]

While I agree that this is the reason for his reaction:

 

I think from your BFs point of view, what he's upset about is not the kiss as such, it's that he trusted you and he had you on a pedestal of perfection. You claimed to give him your first kiss, as he gave you his. Then later he discovers that's not actually true. What this means is that it has taken away that imagery of perfection that he had of you and that's why he feels it is difficult to trust you. At yours and his age, these kinds of things are kind of idealistic and when someone lives up to that ideal - it is a mind blowing experience... whereas you have just told him, that's not actually true. I don't know whether he will get over it, that depends on who he is as a person.

 

It isn't healthy for you to accept his attitude, nor is it healthy for him to embrace this mindset while in a relationship. Hopefully he grows out of it, but I wouldn't stay around for it.

 

You are not obligated to feel guilty about your past behavior, simply because your boyfriend believes he has a right to use it to gain the upper hand with you. Your boyfriend can end the relationship if he feels he can not put this disclosure in it's proper perspective and not allow it to affect your relationship. He doesn't have the right to hold you accountable to him for things that you did prior to being with him.

[lkjh]

Look from your bf's point of view he can no longer trust you. He isn't mad because you kissed a girl, he is mad because this entire time he has been honest and you have been lying. He probably thought the world of you and now he doesn't know what to think. I know the two of you are young but he strikes me as a moral guy. he was probably thinking about marraige and the long term and now he is confused. do not get forceful with him, do not tell him hey "Im older then you and you should listen to me". This would be really disrespectful and it will seem like you only care about yourself. Just let him know how sorry you are and how embarresed it made you feel. If he can't get over Im sorry but life does go on. I am completely different from your bf, but I think he will get over it.

[lkjh]

It isn't healthy for you to accept his attitude, nor is it healthy for him to embrace this mindset while in a relationship. Hopefully he grows out of it, but I wouldn't stay around for it.

 

You are not obligated to feel guilty about your past behavior, simply because your boyfriend believes he has a right to use it to gain the upper hand with you. Your boyfriend can end the relationship if he feels he can not put this disclosure in it's proper perspective and not allow it to affect your relationship. He doesn't have the right to hold you accountable to him for things that you did prior to being with him.

 

What are you talking about? He isn't mad about her past, he is mad about the lying. He has every right to mad if his girlfriend is lying to him. I would love to see the responses if the roles were reversed and she was writing about her BF lying about his past. All the women here would be calling him a liar and the worst names that come to mind.

[lkjh]

It isn't healthy for you to accept his attitude, nor is it healthy for him to embrace this mindset while in a relationship. Hopefully he grows out of it, but I wouldn't stay around for it.

 

You are not obligated to feel guilty about your past behavior, simply because your boyfriend believes he has a right to use it to gain the upper hand with you. Your boyfriend can end the relationship if he feels he can not put this disclosure in it's proper perspective and not allow it to affect your relationship. He doesn't have the right to hold you accountable to him for things that you did prior to being with him.

 

What are you talking about? He isn't mad about her past, he is mad about the lying. He has every right to mad if his girlfriend is lying to him. I would love to see the responses if the roles were reversed and she was writing about her BF lying about his past. All the women here would be calling him a liar and the worst names that come to mind.

 

The first half of my post was Omalley's post

[Frankasy]

Look from your bf's point of view he can no longer trust you. He isn't mad because you kissed a girl, he is mad because this entire time he has been honest and you have been lying. He probably thought the world of you and now he doesn't know what to think. I know the two of you are young but he strikes me as a moral guy. he was probably thinking about marraige and the long term and now he is confused. do not get forceful with him, do not tell him hey "Im older then you and you should listen to me". This would be really disrespectful and it will seem like you only care about yourself. Just let him know how sorry you are and how embarresed it made you feel. If he can't get over Im sorry but life does go on. I am completely different from your bf, but I think he will get over it.

 

Dude the age issue that I bought up was something meant to be used only in the end, when everything hits rock bottom(In case it does). I mean look at the guy, his gf tells him a secret which she is not proud of because she trusts him and in return she gets hit by unlimited false accusations as if she's cheated on him or something like that.

 

So you're saying that Ostia should've told him from the first moment that they started dating that she had kissed a girl and how do you think he would've reacted? Probably a turn off, probably would've acted like a perv etc. Everyone has their secrets, no matter how dark and when you decide to tell your partner yur secrets, it's because you trust him and know that he\she will know that you're ashamed of it.

 

The bf in this case is overreacting and being pig headed by not listening. End of story.

[O'Malley]

I would love to see the responses if the roles were reversed and she was writing about her BF lying about his past. All the women here would be calling him a liar and the worst names that come to mind.

 

You're the one who's placing the emphasis on gender. Specify which part of my post discussed that this behavior would be acceptable if her boyfriend admitted to a prior encounter.

 

The OP's boyfriend can feel that he can not trust her (not that I am endorsing his opinion in this situation, however). He then has the right to end the relationship if he feels her disclosure affects how he perceives her and the relationship. Imo he made her disclosure about him and their relationship, rather than something she confided in him because she trusts him, as Frankasy said.

 

Do you feel he has the right to accept her disclosure and then use it against her in their relationship? And base this on your own disclosures with partners about prior romantic/sexual encounters, not what you think you would do. Were you 100% honest; or like most people (myself included) were you simply human in omitting or fudging a bit of your history, in the attempt to be liked or to avoid dwelling on things that make uncomfortable?

[Ostia]

What are you talking about? He isn't mad about her past, he is mad about the lying. He has every right to mad if his girlfriend is lying to him. I would love to see the responses if the roles were reversed and she was writing about her BF lying about his past. All the women here would be calling him a liar and the worst names that come to mind.

 

I'm not saying he shouldn't be mad at me for lying but the point is that i told him because i trust him more than i trusted anyone else ever before and that is why i told him. i couldnt tell him at first because i was scared that i would ruin it with something i hate myself for doing in my past.

perhaps im just saying it because im not in the situation... but i do accept the fact that people have things in their past they may not want to talk about or they lie about because they feel uncomfortable about it. the point for me is that it is the past and that i would be happy if he told me something he feels so emberrassed about that he never told anyone else because it would show me that he trusts me fully.

[Frankasy]

I'm not saying he shouldn't be mad at me for lying but the point is that i told him because i trust him more than i trusted anyone else ever before and that is why i told him. i couldnt tell him at first because i was scared that i would ruin it with something i hate myself for doing in my past.

perhaps im just saying it because im not in the situation... but i do accept the fact that people have things in their past they may not want to talk about or they lie about because they feel uncomfortable about it. the point for me is that it is the past and that i would be happy if he told me something he feels so emberrassed about that he never told anyone else because it would show me that he trusts me fully.

 

True, exactly what I said in my previous post. Don't worry Ostia, you are in the right track, your bf on the other hand isn't and it's pretty much up to him how your relationship will continue.

[Ostia]

Were you 100% honest; or like most people (myself included) were you simply human in omitting or fudging a bit of your history' date=' in the attempt to be liked or to avoid dwelling on things that make uncomfortable?[/quote']

 

I do not know anymore if i was lying completely or not. i'm confused about talking to him about it for hours with the result that he is feeling 50/50 about the chances for our relationship.

The way I remember it was that when he asked me if i ever kissed another person i said simply 'no'. this 'no', however, was not based on my idea of hiding that kiss from him but on the point that i did (and actually still do) consider him my first kiss. I'm not lesbian/bi and for me any first kiss could always only have been with a guy not with a girl. i mean i gave my parents good night kisses till my late teens... i dont really call that a kiss and he knew that i was 'practicing' once with a female friend who had her first bf when we were both around 13 and she wanted someone to practice first so that she doesnt embarrass herself - he said that was when i was young and that does not count but for me it was similar in a way because that was also not a kiss with a parent or so so that would have to count as my first kiss and he knew about it. but the later one that i told him about now bugs him because he said i was a kid with 13 but not with 19 and perhaps he is right but when i said 'no' to his question if i ever kissed i said so because i felt that i never kissed a guy never kissed a person i loved. i remember every second of our first kiss and the way it felt and simply everything. for me it felt like my first kiss so for me i was not completely lying.

but now after he told me all this i feel like the biggest lier ever. and i probably am but this does not change the way i felt about my kiss with him as my first kiss.

and as i said in my previous post i told him because i trusted him finally fully (my trust has been violated by many people in the past and i never thought i would ever be able to trust anyone fully) and by trusting him this much i now destroyed his trust in me. i dont know anymore how to feel, how to think and how to act because i love him a lot

[Ostia]

Look from your bf's point of view he can no longer trust you. He isn't mad because you kissed a girl, he is mad because this entire time he has been honest and you have been lying. He probably thought the world of you and now he doesn't know what to think. I know the two of you are young but he strikes me as a moral guy. he was probably thinking about marraige and the long term and now he is confused. do not get forceful with him, do not tell him hey "Im older then you and you should listen to me". This would be really disrespectful and it will seem like you only care about yourself. Just let him know how sorry you are and how embarresed it made you feel. If he can't get over Im sorry but life does go on. I am completely different from your bf, but I think he will get over it.

 

stupid point to add... but i think something important to mention nonetheless. if he thought about the long term and marriage then he never told me... cause he kept telling me that he wants to marry a japanese woman (he is half-japanese and lives there - im fully white) and that he doesnt want to think about the long term with me cause he sees himself as too young and doesnt want to committ himself too much.

 

and i am aware that i shouldnt play the older person... i don't have more experience in relationships then he does (well he dated but never kissed other girls before me... i never even had a date before him except for that drunken kissing.. so he's probably the more experienced one in a way...).

 

this is not supposed to be self-defense. i'm aware of my mistake and i learned a lot from it and i am feeling guilty and bad for hurting him so much. i did not want to do this to him because the last thing i want is to hurt him, i want him to be happy but at the same time somehow assumed that for that i have to tell him everything (but i simply had to be ready for it).

[O'Malley]

I don't think you should feel as guilty as you are. You let him know why you only disclosed now and he still is using this against you. His holding this over your head instead of accepting it or ending the relationship is the problem here.

 

That you experimented when you were 19 -- which is absolutely normal to do -- was an experience that contributed in part to you becoming the person you are today. If he can't get over this and accept who you are now, then you shouldn't be dating him. Good luck whatever your decision is.

[Ostia]

I don't think you should feel as guilty as you are. You let him know why you only disclosed now and he still is using this against you. His holding this over your head instead of accepting it or ending the relationship is the problem here.

 

That you experimented when you were 19 -- which is absolutely normal to do -- was an experience that contributed in part to you becoming the person you are today. If he can't get over this and accept who you are now, then you shouldn't be dating him. Good luck whatever your decision is.

 

thank you

 

my decision is to give it a try if he decides to do so as well (and he seems to be considering that). i hope we will be able to get over it, but im scared that even if we stay together it will always be some form of an issue...

i hope so much to get the trust and happiness back we had