boyfriend doesn't distinguish between inappropriate friendships

[soconfused01]

Hi all,

 

So my boyfriend clearly isn't able to understand the difference between appropriate friendships with the opposite sex and inappropriate ones. He's done things like talk about our relationship problems (and sex life) with ex girlfriends (he's clear now that this is not allowed), at one point saw no problem with an ex calling him at 4 in the morning, etc. I don't think he means any harm, I really think he has a hard time understanding what is inappropriate and what isn't.

 

For instance, a girl at his work has a crush on him (she sends him home with little gifts, invites herself out with us, etc) and offered to make him a ''no strings attached'' dinner one night (quoting her). We have all hung out before and I let it drop that he was my boyfriend, just so she was clear she was barking up the wrong tree, but she asked him over for dinner again. My boyfriend doesn't see anything wrong with going to her house and letting her cook dinner for him. He says he will tell her he isn't available/interested at dinner rather than before. I'm confident that I'd be able to invite myself to this dinner and he wouldn't care.

 

Basically I'm looking for advice on how to talk to him about this. I've tried before and he just tells me I'm jealous and that he can't have female friends because of me and that he isn't attracted to her. I believe him about her not being a threat, I just need help illustrating what is appropriate and what isn't.

 

thanks!

[EnigmasMuse]

IMO he CAN distinguish between what's appropriate and what's not.

 

Its a choice, and he is CHOOSING to do what he is doing. He knows what he is doing and he is getting something from it, or he wouldn't continue. He is basically disrespecting you on the matter, because he is aware of how you feel.

 

Not sure what else to tell you on the issue because he already knows how you feel, and he is still does what he wants. Maybe you need to re think why you're with him.

[O'Malley]

I've tried before and he just tells me I'm jealous and that he can't have female friends because of me and that he isn't attracted to her. I believe him about her not being a threat, I just need help illustrating what is appropriate and what isn't.

 

Well, I call BS on his naivete, precisely because this wouldn't be defined as a harmless friendship. He knows she's interested to him, knows that this particular situation bothers you, yet he refuses to tone it down because he enjoys the attention he gets from her.

 

Passive aggressive tactics (threatening to have dinner with a man interested in you) won't work. You'll have to accept the status quo, invite yourself along to this dinner ( ) and gauge his reaction to the news. Your best bet? Reevaluate the relationship and hold out for someone who shares the same view on boundaries as you.

[JackJack]

If you feel he wouldn't mind if you invited yourself to this dinner, then it might be best to do so. I would pay close attention to his reaction too.

 

How do you know that he wont be in touch with her ahead of time to "warn" her you are coming as well? That way they both will make sure to be on their best behavior. Even if nothing is really going on, he still sees fit for himself to do whatever he wants to do, no matter how you feel. That should speak volumes right there.

 

Do you know where this girl lives? You could always just drop by too. If that makes him mad or thinks you're checking up on him, maybe that should be your answer as to what may or may not truly be going on.

[soconfused01]

I know nothing is going on. He's just met this girl and he doesn't have a car so I basically know where he is at all times. Plus, he just got fired from his job so they won't be seeing each other at work anymore anyway. I truly believe he isn't interested in her. This is just an illustration of a larger issue that has recurred for us of him not being able to distinguish between inappropriate friendships.

 

I can easily go to dinner at her house, I can easily be where ever they are together at all times without incident and without him caring. But this has and will just come up again with some other girl. I really do think he doesn't really know how to handle these situations appropriately and I think he would handle them correctly if he 'got it' but it's difficult for me to make him understand

 

thanks for all your replies

[JackJack]

I know nothing is going on. He's just met this girl and he doesn't have a car so I basically know where he is at all times. Plus, he just got fired from his job so they won't be seeing each other at work anymore anyway. I truly believe he isn't interested in her. This is just an illustration of a larger issue that has recurred for us of him not being able to distinguish between inappropriate friendships.

 

I can easily go to dinner at her house, I can easily be where ever they are together at all times without incident and without him caring. But this has and will just come up again with some other girl. I really do think he doesn't really know how to handle these situations appropriately and I think he would handle them correctly if he 'got it' but it's difficult for me to make him understand

 

thanks for all your replies

 

I'm trying to understand this. You say HE is having a hard time distinguishing between appropriate and inappropiate, but yet you say he doesn't mind if you come along, YOU know where he is and what he is doing, YOU also KNOW nothing is going on, so what exactly is the issue here? You even said this issue would more than likely come up again with another girl as well. So is it HIM that is having a hard time distinguishing, or is it YOU?

[soconfused01]

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect one's partner to tell a girl who is interested in them that they have a girlfriend and to not go on dates with other girls. I wouldn't have a problem at all if he had told the girl he had a girlfriend but they could still be friends, and if they hung out in a more appropriate situation.

 

My boyfriend a few months ago was asked out by a new girl at his work. He told her he had a girlfriend but that they could still be friends, and invited her out to hang out with us. There, he introduced me as his girlfriend to her and there was never any problem. We all got on peachy keen. this is the only example where i think he handled this situation appropriately, and in the midst of many more where he hasn't, i consider it a fluke

 

I don't think it's appropriate for a person in a relationship to allow someone of the opposite sex to make dinner for you at their house, especially if you know they have a crush on you.

[carhill]

So, OP, how are things going with your male friends these days?

 

I'm positive his friend would be happy to have you over with him for dinner. Maybe her BF (it is possible she has one) will be there as well and you all can have a great evening

 

Approach things with a positive attitude and achieve a positive result. It appears he's very open to making changes, like ending contact with his ex-gf's, so I hope you value that trait in him.

[soconfused01]

sorry I guess i should have mentioned that my boyfriend hasn't told this girl that he is seeing someone.

[soconfused01]

he still has contact with his exes, he just knows he can't talk about our relationship issues with them. I assume she doesn't have a boyfriend because she asked mine out.

[JackJack]

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect one's partner to tell a girl who is interested in them that they have a girlfriend and to not go on dates with other girls. I wouldn't have a problem at all if he had told the girl he had a girlfriend but they could still be friends, and if they hung out in a more appropriate situation.

 

My boyfriend a few months ago was asked out by a new girl at his work. He told her he had a girlfriend but that they could still be friends, and invited her out to hang out with us. There, he introduced me as his girlfriend to her and there was never any problem. We all got on peachy keen. this is the only example where i think he handled this situation appropriately, and in the midst of many more where he hasn't, i consider it a fluke

 

I don't think it's appropriate for a person in a relationship to allow someone of the opposite sex to make dinner for you at their house, especially if you know they have a crush on you.

 

Do you think there is a reason WHY he hasn't told this other girl he has a girlfriend? If so, what do you think that reason might be?

 

You're right, I also think its not appropriate to have someone over for dinner if they are involved with someone else. However, as someone else stated earlier, he is getting something out of all of this. More than likely its attention. When she invited him over, he should have said, "Sure I'll be glad to come over for dinner, as long as my girlfriend can come as well." But you see, he did NOT say that to her, and there is a reason for that.

 

Why do you think that is?

[carhill]

I re-read the OP....the friend in question "invites herself out" with both of you? OK, well how has that gone? You say she has a crush on him; please describe behaviors when you all are together that lead you to believe this. Did he tell you she had a crush on him?

 

Just curious how all this works...

 

Hey, maybe you and she can share recipes

[soconfused01]

he said he didn't tell her because he wanted to tell her in person, rather than over the phone. he says he doesn't see why he can't tell her AT dinner. I think he's honestly just in it for a new friend, which I would love for him to have, as long as he deals with it appropriately, as in the fluke example.

 

carhill, when we all went out, I was very friendly to her, mentioned that we were dating, she left early and then called him as we were getting home to ask him over for dinner once again, without mentioning me. He has said she has a crush on him, she works at a coffee shop at his work and sends him home with free bags of coffee all the time.

[audrey_1]

So my boyfriend clearly isn't able to understand the difference between appropriate friendships with the opposite sex and inappropriate ones. He's done things like talk about our relationship problems (and sex life) with ex girlfriends (he's clear now that this is not allowed), at one point saw no problem with an ex calling him at 4 in the morning, etc. I don't think he means any harm, I really think he has a hard time understanding what is inappropriate and what isn't.

 

 

Ya think?! If my boyfriend ever talked about our sexual relationship with an ex, he would be history. That is probably as inappropriate as it could ever get, IMO.

 

 

For instance, a girl at his work has a crush on him (she sends him home with little gifts, invites herself out with us, etc) and offered to make him a ''no strings attached'' dinner one night (quoting her). She asked him over for dinner again. My boyfriend doesn't see anything wrong with going to her house and letting her cook dinner for him. He says he will tell her he isn't available/interested at dinner rather than before.

 

 

Cook him a "no strings attached dinner"? Why would a casual, platonic friend offer dinner no strings attached? Wouldn't this be understood if the interaction was truly to be harmless, without intent?

 

 

Basically I'm looking for advice on how to talk to him about this. I've tried before and he just tells me I'm jealous and that he can't have female friends because of me and that he isn't attracted to her. I believe him about her not being a threat, I just need help illustrating what is appropriate and what isn't.

 

Just do it. Talk to him. This is not standard jealousy due to the specifics of the situation. Invite yourself. Gauge the reaction. That's good advice you were given. If he's truly not attracted to her, and she's just friend, he won't mind you coming allowing and getting to know this "pal."

[blair08]

he said he didn't tell her because he wanted to tell her in person, rather than over the phone. he says he doesn't see why he can't tell her AT dinner. I think he's honestly just in it for a new friend, which I would love for him to have, as long as he deals with it appropriately, as in the fluke example.

 

carhill, when we all went out, I was very friendly to her, mentioned that we were dating, she left early and then called him as we were getting home to ask him over for dinner once again, without mentioning me. He has said she has a crush on him, she works at a coffee shop at his work and sends him home with free bags of coffee all the time.

 

To be honest with you, if he really wanted to tell her about you, knowing how you felt and to put your mind at ease, he wouldn't have had a problem with calling her infront of you and telling her.

 

Wanting to wait until he is actually with her in person to tell her seems shady to me. Sorry.

[soconfused01]

I didn't want to mention this because I didn't want to over complicate the issue, but I think the reason he hasn't introduced me as his girlfriend or anything like that is because we're at a rocky part in our relationship, something he doesn't know how to define as concretely as "girlfriend". We're "talking about our relationship" but we've both talked about how we're not done together and we're not pursuing other people until we figure out some issues between us. For all intents and purposes however, we are still boyfriend and girlfriend, we have sex, live together, have the appropriate facebook statuses, etc.

 

We often have these murky periods where our relationship is an undefined but exclusive to each other, so I think his vagueness about if I'm his girlfriend or not is because of that, not because he doesn't want to appear to be single. More that, we're in the "talking about our relationship" period, and this came up. I do not think he is interested in this girl, I just want to work with him on pursuing friendships with women in a respectful way.

[blair08]

I didn't want to mention this because I didn't want to over complicate the issue, but I think the reason he hasn't introduced me as his girlfriend or anything like that is because we're at a rocky part in our relationship, something he doesn't know how to define as concretely as "girlfriend". We're "talking about our relationship" but we've both talked about how we're not done together and we're not pursuing other people until we figure out some issues between us. For all intents and purposes however, we are still boyfriend and girlfriend, we have sex, live together, have the appropriate facebook statuses, etc.

 

We often have these murky periods where our relationship is an undefined but exclusive to each other, so I think his vagueness about if I'm his girlfriend or not is because of that, not because he doesn't want to appear to be single. More that, we're in the "talking about our relationship" period, and this came up. I do not think he is interested in this girl, I just want to work with him on pursuing friendships with women in a respectful way.

 

Let's be honest here. This is NOT about you really hoping for him to pursue friendships with women in a respectful way, this is more about the fact that even though you both might be going through a rough patch, he is not as committed to your relationship as you are. I think You see things more of you both still being together, than he he does.

 

He is pretty much doing what he wants when he wants, and still has sex with you when he wants. He probably views this, as having the best of both worlds in his mind. He can tell whoever he wants about you or not. My guess is, he is more involved in this particular girl and thats probably WHY he is not really interested in telling her about you.

[JackJack]

People CAN NOT give you proper advice if you are not upfront and honest in your post. The things you are just now telling, could have been told to begin with, not sure why you didn't tell the whole story earlier.

 

Anyway, guess it matters not at this point, because bottom line, I think he is not as invested as much in the relationship right now are you seem to be. Its really up to you what you want to do or not do.

[soconfused01]

this has been an issue when we weren't in rough patches. ok, if everyone can just suspend the belief that he wants to date this chick, I'll take the consequences that I'm wrong. but I honestly think the problem is that he doesn't know how to handle the situation respectfully, and I know he wants to. I need help trying to get him to understand the dos and don'ts, without sounding like i'm jealous. he's never lied to me in the two years we've been together , and i believe him when he says he's not attracted or interested in her.

 

I think he's suffering from staying at home all the time because he doesn't have a car and is honestly trying to expand his social circle and I'm completely ok if that includes girls, I just want him to handle it better. what has happened in the past is that I try to explain that female friends are ok with me if he acts appropriately about it, but since he doesn't, I get mad and he thinks I'm jealous, so he stays home all the time and feels like he can't have female friends. I WANT him to be able to have female friends and to hang out with them when I'm not around, I just want to illustrate to him how people can do this healthily and respectfully. I believe my boyfriend wants to be respectful but he sucks at it.

 

We can all hopefully agree that a person in a relationship can have friends of the opposite sex and still respect their SOs. As well we can all agree that unintentionally that person could handle the situation and their friendship in a way that would not be respectful to their partner. My boyfriend just has a habit of unintentionally doing that often

[soconfused01]

People CAN NOT give you proper advice if you are not upfront and honest in your post. The things you are just now telling, could have been told to begin with, not sure why you didn't tell the whole story earlier.

 

you're right, i was just trying to exclude what I thought would over complicate the issue because there is no quesiton between my boyfriend and myself that we are exclusive to each other at the moment- but not wanting to throw around the label may be what kept him from saying he had a girlfriend, rather than wanting to appear single to this girl. I understand this given the complications of our relationship, and he has agreed that whatever we call ourselves, he is unavailable.

[soconfused01]

ok I realize from an outsider's perspective it does seem like my boyfriend wants to appear single. I really don't think this is the case, but I've brought it upon myself using the latest example.

 

Can I ask everyone to forget about coffee girl and start over?

 

My boyfriend wants to have female friends. I want him to as well. I think he doesn't handle pursing friendships in an appropriate way, in all the subtle things people do to reassure their partners that a friend of the opposite poses no threat. His attitude seems to be "I don't like these people, why should I not have dinner at a new female friend's house? I can be trusted." How do I talk to him about the delicate-ness needed sometimes when dealing with these situations?

[JackJack]

If this has been an issue even when you all were NOT going through a rough patch, then its even more clear. He doesn't want to be exclusive with you. He can tell you all day long he does, but his actions speak different.

 

People are going to believe whatever they want to believe, and that is their right. So if you believe he is not doing anything he shouldn't or wouldn't then its your right to believe that. I'm not there with him behind closed doors while another person is making him dinner, calling exs, or whatever it is he is doing, so I don't know for sure, just as you do not either.

 

Its wonderful he feels its ok you tag along while at another girls or whatever, if its what you want to do. I also think you can talk to him until you're blue in the face about what is appropriate and whats not, I doubt it will make a difference, it seems he is going to do whatever he wants to do.

 

You're right it is ok to have friends of the opposite sex, but if he is choosing NOT to tell other girls about YOU, then there is a reason for that, which has been made clear many times.

 

I wish you luck.

[soconfused01]

thanks for your replies. the talk did not go well. We ended it for good. I've said this about the relationship many times on this forum, and I'm scared to death I'll let him change my mind. I'm going to do everything it takes to stick with this resolution. thanks again

[Star Gazer]

I'm sorry to hear about the ending, OP. But after reading this thread, I'm really not surprised. A man who won't tell other women that he's in a relationship wants to have the appearance of being single for a reason - and it's never a good reason.

[gopher]

You are better off, that guy was insecure and needed other females attention and quite possibly led the women on. It seemed to happen a lot to him, for it to be all about agressive women.