Reviving The old "she wants kids and he doesn't" thing

[ladyinwaiting]

What possible medical condition could there be for this to be a stipulation?

Something stinks here.

 

Actually, there are several conditions, but a likely one is endometriosis. I have moderate to severe endo and have had surgery. My husband and I have decided not to have children. However, my gyno gave me the lecture about how, if I was going to change my mind, I'd have to do it soon (I'm mid-30s). The problem is both that the endo gets worse over time, and that people with my condition often need IVF to pregnant, and success rates drop dramatically after 35.

 

I doubt the doctor said "get pregnant now". But he may have said "if you want to have children, you will need to start thinking about it soon because your condition will reduce your fertility more and more as you get older."

[ladyinwaiting]

I've got some personal experience in this situation.

 

My husband made it very clear to me before we married that he did not want children. I engaged in quite a lot of thought and self-reflection at the time, because I did not have his level of certainty. In the end though, I decided to stick with my husband, who I knew I loved and who I wanted to care for. Every so often I'll see some friends kids and get a tinge of sadness, but I have no regrets. A child would not fit my career or my lifestyle and would have robbed me of my very happy marriage.

 

I know of two other couples (both my husbands friends) who had a baby when the wife wanted one and the husband did not. In both cases, the dads are resentful and angry. I don't know whether their wives know exactly how they feel (I know because they vent to my husband - and they are always at our house!), but it's quite obvious they have little to no interaction with their children. One of the wives is both the main carer for the child and the primary income earner for the marriage. I personally don't know how she does it all without having a breakdown, but any woman who thinks she can impose a child on her husband needs to think carefully about whether she wants to give up on everything else in her life to effectively raise it alone.

 

On the other hand, I know a couple who had agreed not to have children, but suffered an accidental pregnancy. They were horrified to begin with, and the wife still treats the baby in a fairly functional way, but the dad is a wonderful father. He now wants another child and she doesn't, so it's a bit like your situation in reverse. Whatever the conclusion to that argument, I would think they would stay together for the child they have. But who knows?

 

The only other example I can think of is my mom's best friend - and this story is the one that gave me the greatest cause for concern in marrying my husband. This couple agreed not to have children, and stuck to that agreement despite the wife changing her mind in her early 30s. However, when the husband had a mid life crisis in his 40s, he dumped her, married a younger woman, and now has children. She's devastated, and an emotional wreck, although mainly she blames herself for being stupid enough to put her desires second. If I was her, I'd want to kill him.

 

I don't think there is any one solution to this problem. But you guys really need to sit down and talk the situation through.

[Geishawhelk]

Actually, there are several conditions, but a likely one is endometriosis.

 

Granted, but the OP then responded to that question, as follows:

 

he totally freaked her out this year by saying, and I quote, "utereses do 2 things only, they have babies and get cancer and if you had had babies by now I would be taking yours out next week! Can you believe that? So yes, her head went into a tail spin. I wasn't even there but at the airport on my way there and she calls me and says that we have to start trying as soon as we get home. Whoa! He says she has a certain virus that I won't name but with research I have forund there are 150 types of this virus, 98% of which do nothing and the other 2 are very suspect as well.

 

UInfortunately, I came across a doctor very similar to this when, during an in-clinic examination with my second child, I told him that I had arranged to have the baby at home.

He scolded me, called me a selfish mother, and told me that if I were his wife, he would make me have the child in hospital.

 

I won't tell you what I said back to him, but the attendant nurse winked at me as she left, telling me I'd made her day.

 

Unfortunately there are still far too many backward-looking male obstetricians and gynaecologists who still seem to think women are cattle and fit only for breeding and to be obeisant....

[OWoman]

I know of two other couples (both my husbands friends) who had a baby when the wife wanted one and the husband did not. In both cases, the dads are resentful and angry.

 

My fiance's situation was the same. Although he's by far the more involved parent - and the one the kids choose to be with - and loves his kids, he's still really angry about having his choice removed from him and being forced into a life sentence he didn't want.

 

I fell pregnant while on the Pill. Abortion was not legal in my country at that time, and I couldn't afford to fly to the UK to seek one there, so I landed up having the child. While I love him very much, it's not a choice I'd have made, having kids, and given it again, I'd not hesitate to abort.

 

Having kids is not something one should do under duress or through compromise. It needs to be a choice made freely by both parties (or one, if they're prepared to take full responsibility and bring the child up as a single parent).

 

OP it's not a do-or-die moment either. If you pass up this opportunity for kids, and you BOTH later decide you do want, then if your W can't conceive you could always adopt. A child doesn't have to have your DNA to be lovable.

 

I hope you find your way out of this panic without too much heartache.

[Neutrino]

hueserobrian, sounds like the doc is a goddamn idiot - someone this stupid should not even be practicing medicine. Incompetent docs can destroy you mentally and physically and your wife should never see this doc again.

 

Utereses either have babies or get cancer ? He should have his license revoked just for saying this. Uterus cancer is caused by the papilloma virus, which you probably referred to in your post. There is a vaccine against it, one injection and you're done.

[Neutrino]

My fiance's situation was the same. Although he's by far the more involved parent - and the one the kids choose to be with - and loves his kids, he's still really angry about having his choice removed from him and being forced into a life sentence he didn't want.

 

I fell pregnant while on the Pill. Abortion was not legal in my country at that time, and I couldn't afford to fly to the UK to seek one there, so I landed up having the child. While I love him very much, it's not a choice I'd have made, having kids, and given it again, I'd not hesitate to abort.

 

Having kids is not something one should do under duress or through compromise. It needs to be a choice made freely by both parties (or one, if they're prepared to take full responsibility and bring the child up as a single parent).

 

OP it's not a do-or-die moment either. If you pass up this opportunity for kids, and you BOTH later decide you do want, then if your W can't conceive you could always adopt. A child doesn't have to have your DNA to be lovable.

 

I hope you find your way out of this panic without too much heartache.

 

I like your post. Its honesty breaks through all the taboos, it will probably remain on my mind for the rest of this evening...