Get back together......or not...

[pparrott]

My husband & I have been separated since March of last year (I did move home for a short period of time in between - but am now back on my own)

We get along pretty well for the most part NOW. It's better this time than the last (no counselors getting in the way of things now)

We don't argue except for the following issue:

Our troubles in the beginning were alcohol based & he has since done much better in that department. Still drinks, but it has been a long time since I have seen him drunk the way he used to be on a daily basis.

Now, MY issue is that he thinks it's perfectly acceptable to text other women/girls. He still does frequent bars, he has almost every bartenders phone number in town in his cell. When these girls are bored & want company (aka: Money, tips, etc.) they text men/my husband & others to come see them. Is this ok? or is it opening up another can of worms to worry about in a marriage that is already not completely stable?

I don't think that "texting" other men is proper for me to do if we work things out....for whatever reason. Unless they are BOTH of our friends. (I don't know very many of these bartender "Girls") I think that texting young girls can escelate into other things. (Oh, when I did move home - I did see the content of one text...& It was VERY flirty)

Am I making too much out of nothing?

[Geishawhelk]

He's acting like he has one foot out of the door already.

As far as he's concerned, he's lining up the backup team it looks like, in case you and he don't work out.....

 

Does he seriously want to work on the marriage?

Really?

Well if he does, it's conditional that you two remain exclusive whilst you are trying to work it through.

If however, he disagrees or refuses - take this as a sign that things will never improve.

And start proceedings.

[pparrott]

So you don't think I"m blowing this out of preportion?

When I confront him, he claims they are just friends. That when bartenders send out text messages, it's a GROUP thing. Not just to him.

 

I am exclusive to him right now. Even though we don't live together. But his time is his own during the day hours.

 

Part of me thinks that he is just trying to get his youth back. He is 48. Most of these bartenders are female & under the age of 30. I think they stroke his ego. He claims that's not true & he doesn't need his ego stroked. He says he loves me & he isn't trying to get into anyone else's pants (but mine) He has no desire to be with a younger woman.

 

My answer to him when he says this is always the same...........Actions speak louder than words. He poo foo's that all the time!

[Geishawhelk]

Well, like I said:

You lay it on the line. He has to show through his actions, that he is 100% committed to getting the relationship back on track, with you, and as happy as it can be.

 

If he doesn't deliver - get the mailman to deliver a message to him from your lawyer.

 

How much clearer could it be, that he's not taking your wishes seriously into consideration?

[Chinook]

So these bar-tender girls send out flirtatious messages to the whole group...? Yea, sure they do. He's a numpty for believing they're into him for more than free money or ego boosting.

 

Personally, I'd lay it on the line, either he stops or the relationship stops. I've had this very same conversation with my BF lately. He is triathlon training and his club training partner is a younger girl (she's 26). She demands a lot of his time. I get very annoyed about it. But his problem is he doesn't like saying no. A case in point was last weekend he went to training when he didn't really want to go. He wanted to stay home with me because I've been very sick recently. However, she manipulated him by saying 'is it okay if you still pick me up for training?' meaning he had to go because she would have had no way of getting there otherwise. As it was, I kicked up a fuss about it and he left early... leaving her to get a lift home from her landlord. So I pointed out to my BF that had he seen it with his own eyes, he would have seen that he had been manipulated because she had other means of getting there so he actually put ME second in favour of her. I was very upset and distressed when I pointed this out to him... because we only recently reconciled. He has assured me, it won't happen again. He simply hadn't realised it and the implications.

 

If your partner does realise what is going on and the implications, I'd actually call it quits because things won't change. If it's a case of him being a bit clueless and these people being his 'friends' because of loneliness after you guys split, give him time to re-establish some equilibrium in his life and straighten up his priorities... for him to do that, you're going to need to guide him along the way without nagging him. Hard to do. Good luck with it.

[pparrott]

Yep - I'm told that bartenders do this when business is slow during the day & they know their "Clients" usually come in during the daytime hours. (my daughter is a bartender too - she does text....just not the old married farts - she text's her friends)

Anyway, I have asked "if we get back together will this stop?" His answer is "I can't stop them from texting me." & "no, they are my friends"....

While I do have a problem with this, I guess MAYBE...(not saying for sure) is it enough of a deal breaker? I just know that I want us to be together, but I don't want to look the part of the "Stupid wife that has no idea her husband is being a jack ass out in public" kind of wife. Cuz I know guys like that. We never see their wives...lord only knows what they do when they are out & about during the daytime hours.

I think that married men with hours & days that are their own, & don't have to be accountable to anyone.........are dangerous.

 

On another note: He claims that all of his friends have no problem with texting each other during the day. And, they think I am the one that is making too much out of this. I kinda doubt once these "girls" are in serious relationships they would put up with it from their man either.

[Geishawhelk]

On another note: He claims that all of his friends have no problem with texting each other during the day. And, they think I am the one that is making too much out of this. I kinda doubt once these "girls" are in serious relationships they would put up with it from their man either.

 

I would be very careful relying on him to convey, or pass on opinions belonging to others, when you haven't met them and they haven't told you this themselves. huh! Says he....!

 

Regardless of what his friends may or may not be saying, they're not the ones who are trying to salvage a marriage, and they're not the ones with these issues, so take it all with a pinch of salt.

 

In a normal situation I might give the opinion that maybe you are being a little suspicious, and maybe you do need to cut him some slack (in view of your daughter's comments.)

This isn't a normal situation.

 

Tell him that while realtions are so fragile and precarious, you need him to show some kind of effort and commitment, because this is your marriage you are talking about. And if he thinks you have security issues - damn right you have!

 

He has to put his money where his mouth is and walk that extra mile.

[TrustInYourself]

Yep - I'm told that bartenders do this when business is slow during the day & they know their "Clients" usually come in during the daytime hours. (my daughter is a bartender too - she does text....just not the old married farts - she text's her friends)

Anyway, I have asked "if we get back together will this stop?" His answer is "I can't stop them from texting me." & "no, they are my friends"....

While I do have a problem with this, I guess MAYBE...(not saying for sure) is it enough of a deal breaker? I just know that I want us to be together, but I don't want to look the part of the "Stupid wife that has no idea her husband is being a jack ass out in public" kind of wife. Cuz I know guys like that. We never see their wives...lord only knows what they do when they are out & about during the daytime hours.

I think that married men with hours & days that are their own, & don't have to be accountable to anyone.........are dangerous.

 

On another note: He claims that all of his friends have no problem with texting each other during the day. And, they think I am the one that is making too much out of this. I kinda doubt once these "girls" are in serious relationships they would put up with it from their man either.

 

Doesn't matter what other people think. If he cares about you, he will respect your opinion. On the other side of that, if you truly trusted him, you would allow him to text whoever he wants. There are always two sides to every story. Understanding his side is the first step for him to understand your side. It's hard to step outside your own perspective.