He seems to be completely Gone, what can I do?

[lonelygurl]

So I met some guys on line and actually sent them some pretty racy pics. They reciprocated, but I never did anything physical.

 

actually in your first post you said yourself some guys and some pics.

 

 

it was one picture of me showing off.

 

then in this post you say one pic, so not sure which it is.

 

either way you were talking to some men in a sexual manner and sending sexual pics therefore, you went outside the marriage and cheating....talking sexual and sending sexual pics to others is cheating.

I personally would not take lightly to my partner cheating and would dump them if they were.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but you said you were already in counseling with him for problems and rather than continuing to discuss them you went outside the marriage looking for more problems. I would also say by your atavar you haven't changed much.

 

There isn't much chance he will change his mind now.

[QueenVictoria]

I think you are too young for him. I think you should start looking for a cute apartment to move into.

[mark982]

i for the life of me can't figure out why you put up with his violence.pushes you down ,calls you nigger. honey in my mind he's not stable.i get a chuckle out of people who say "well he's italian" what a joke. people just use that as a reason to act like azzholes.

[Geishawhelk]

Yuss, but we didn't know he was abusive until she got all shirty and defensive.....

That put a different colour on things......

But then she kept being all shirty and defensive because the heat in the kitchen became too much for her.

[nature]

At first you said: So I met some guys on line and actually sent them some pretty racy pics. They reciprocated This insinuates more than one man and more than one picture. Later you changed it to say one man and one picture. I think that is why the confusion everyone has.

 

But I did ask this man for a hug occasionally, not even everyday and weeks would go by when he would not so much as even touch me. This man is emotionally abusive. Witholding love from you. You were obviouisly not happy at home and not getting the love from him that you need. Which is why you went elsewhere looking for it...online. So if this is the case, and you are not getting the love from him, why do you want to stay? Are you scared to leave, out of fear of the unknown? Because a young 31 yr old woman deserves more than what he was giving you.

 

In disagreements past he has went as far as calling me a nigger, calling my grandmother and told her I was a s**t and pushing me down in anger and still I stayed and tried to work through HIS anger management This is emotionally and verbally abusive. Get out. Cut your losses and get out. He is doing you a favour by seeking divorce. Let him do you this favour.

 

You were not living a happy life, and are currently not living a happy life, and will not live a happy life in the future, if you stay with this man.

[Blindsided09]

I would really like to thank the members that offered me real advice and insight as opposed to the cranky biatch that did nothing but criticize and judge. He has indeed started talking to me again and while the divorce is seemingly still on I have tried to use some of the advice that I have found here to make things better and I must say the ice seems to be melting, slowly though, as I expected. i will continue to go slow and see what happens, but I am still looking for a "cute house" of my own all the same!

 

Thanks again everyone!

[Geishawhelk]

Cool.

However - one word of advice:

 

Next time, try being upfront and clear to begin with.

You'll save yourself a lot of trouble and misunderstandings.

 

Ciao bella, buona fortuna e che la vita ti porti quello che meriti.

[Trimmer]

I would really like to thank the members that offered me real advice and insight as opposed to the cranky biatch that did nothing but criticize and judge. He has indeed started talking to me again and while the divorce is seemingly still on I have tried to use some of the advice that I have found here to make things better and I must say the ice seems to be melting, slowly though, as I expected. i will continue to go slow and see what happens, but I am still looking for a "cute house" of my own all the same!

I know I'm coming in late, but I have a couple of thoughts.

 

First, all the things you said you did for him were things that you may consider to be above and beyond the call of duty, but they are all things that are reasonable, within the boundary of a marriage.

 

Sending 'racy' pictures to another man (whether one or more pics, whether one or more men) is absolutely outside the boundary of a marriage. No matter how wonderful a person you were within the marriage, that does nothing to counteract what you broke with that act of going outside it. And whether it was "only" one pic or more, and "only" one guy or more doesn't really soothe things. The thing is, with that act - in stepping over that boundary - he believes you revealed something important to him about what kind of person you are, so it doesn't matter how many pics or men were involved. As another poster put it: one was one-too-many.

 

In the same way, though, doesn't his abusive behavior tell you something similar? Doesn't it really tell you something about the man that he really is? And does it matter if it was only once, or only a few times, or whether he makes an excuse for it under a gauze of "anger management issues?" Isn't the real issue that he crossed that boundary at all?

 

So as others have done, I question just what kind of marriage dynamic you've got going on here - you spoke of the intensity of your love, and then went on to describe an unappreciative, cold, abusive man. Have you really considered whether this was a healthy relationship for you to stay in, in the first place?

 

As far as that cranky biatch, her advice was at least equal to the rest of what you got on here. You may be too proud to get past it, or you may not want to hear it - that's your prerogative.

 

Finally, I'm not particularly encouraged that your husband is talking to you again, and here's why. In an abusive, cold relationship, although it seems like he has all the power, it may still scare him to consider the idea of being without you. So in the ups and downs, the name calling followed by the proclmamtions of "undying love" there is always a power struggle going on. This latest may just be another big one of those. Maybe it really is the end - in a "normal" relationship you could probably take him at his word, and I would understand how a spouse would draw a line in the sand and say "no more" to what you did.

 

On the other hand, it may just turn into another power play. He will talk to you, you will be submissive in your desire to do anything to "make it better" and get him back, then he will decide that he "wuuuuuuvs you" after all, and you will apparently make up and get back together. And then the fun starts: the next cycle, in which you will have built up even more supressed resentment (after all you've done for him, and it was only one stupid pic, and you really didn't do anything physical, and he put you through all that...) and he will have even more ammunition to fuel his anger and rage. How can this do anything but lead to a giant flash point?

 

So your problem is not just getting him back. If you do actually get him back, that's where your real work begins. You can either leave things alone, pretend like it's all OK now and move on into the future, or you can try to do the hard work of fixing what's really wrong.

 

If it were me, his abuse would probably be a deal breaker. It wouldn't excuse or justify what you did, but even taken separate from that, it would be enough for me to seriously consider whether it is in your best interest to go back. Do you really believe this was a healthy relationship?

[2sure]

Quote from Geisha:

Ciao bella, buona fortuna e che la vita ti porti quello che meriti.

 

Ahhh. The universal message of Karma.

[Geishawhelk]

Indeed.....