Missing him when I know he was wrong for me

[diana]

My bf broke up with me a month ago.

 

The time apart made me realize that even though he treated me the way I always dreamed of romantically, he didn't treat me well where it counts.

 

For example, he wanted his way from what TV programs we watched to where we went out. He would always want me to go out with his friends but when there was something going on with my friends or if it was something that was important to me he would say yes then bail out last minute.

 

The thing is that all this wasn't noticeable for 80% of our relationship because I had never disagreed with his choices, we had the same taste.

 

But there came a time when I didn't agree with what he wanted, or going out with his friends got too much and I didn't always want to go, or I asked him a favor or to go out with my friends and he always said no, or I didn't want to watch the same movie or TV show. As soon as I said I disagreed he would get angry and moody, show disapproval like I was being mean or something.

 

The only time he ever came was because i got upset and then he was moody all week and on the way to the outing even though he enjoyed it after.

 

Also he would say I was selfish alot and when I asked him why he thought I was he wouldn't say. I am not selfish.

 

He was very attentive and called me all the time and he wanted me to do the same, but I am not a clingy person. I told him from the beginning. But I always answered his calls in a happy and loving way, called him with surprise 'I miss you' calls and was very attentive and affectionate when we were together.

 

He complained i didn't call him enough which may be why he tought i was selfish, so I started making more effort but he wouldn't answer my calls and would wait 3 hours to contact me with some handy excuse why he couldn't get to his phone. Then he still complained I didn't make the effort even though I was. Its like he decided I don't call enough and even when I did he still believed I didn't.

 

But the worst reactions I got were when out of the blue while we were having a nice time he would say something mean or hurtful for no reason and I would ask him why he said that and that it hurt me feelings. Or if I didn't tolerate some kind of behavior that I felt was rude or disrespectful to me. We are talking about 3-4 occasions now...its not like I even said that much and it was on so few occasions. But when I did he would get angry, moody, look at me with accusing eyes with a hint of hate, I felt like the enemy and then he would get up and go.

 

All this sounds really bad when written like this, some of it happened on occasion and he would come and make it up to me saying he was sorry.

 

But most of it happened the last 15 days of our relationship. Its like he was looking for excuses or behaviors of mine so he could confirm something about me. I feel like he turned on me after loving me so much, being there for me, promising the future. Its like he was totally in love with me for months, then hated me in 15 days.

 

And I was the same steady person I always was. Except when I stood up for what I wanted or didn't want, all in a nice calm loving way. I was never mean, never said hurtful things and was prepared to listen and discuss.

 

Looking back his change in behavior came when I spoke about our sex life. It was important to me so I spoke about it. But his moody reactions to not liking me disagreeing with his choices of what to do when we spent time together always existed. It just never showed because I didn't disagree much.

 

Now can you please all tell me why sometimes I still miss him? While I was asleep I dreamed about him coming back to me, that he wanted to come back, then got moody and didn't turn up. Then I woke up sad. I miss the good times, I miss the way he treated me when all was well, I was so happy for months.

 

But I know I would never take him back because that wasn't the real him, or maybe it was the real him but only part of him. The other part of him is horrible and wrong for me and I know I deserve better.

 

But why do I miss him sometimes? Why do I feel sad sometimes?Why do I want him to contact me, even though I would have to turn him down.

 

Thats the worst feeling for me, that he just shut me out of his life. Doesn't he ever miss me? He was so in love with me, he would dream about me when we were together, he would miss me so much, couldn't sleep because he missed me and wanted me near him. Showered me with love and affection, always wanted to spend time with me.

 

How can he so easily shut me out of his life without a second thought?

 

I know he did me a favor by leaving, it was my decision not to have contact, it hurts that he could just turn his back on me and not miss me one bit.

 

It feels so strange to be a loving part of someones life and to suddenly not be a part of it, and for him not to even care that I am not part of his life anymore after all the loving and happy times we shared together.

 

Were 15 days really enough to hate me and not care about me at all after loving me?

 

Also, I am worried about future relationships, I am afraid that if I speak my true feelings, or voice what i don't like that men will just leave me, not listen, not want to see my point of view, but most importantly not care if something in the relationship is hurting my feelings or making me unhappy and not willing to talk about it and work on it together.

 

I know nobody is perfect, I am not perfect but I am willing to listen and see the others point of view. I may be doing something that is hurtful and don't know it. If I knew what it was and that it was affecting someone else I would make an effort not to do it.

 

Everybody has different needs, different things affect people in different ways. Something you can tolerate may not be tolerated by others.

 

The difference is I am willing to listen with an open mind and make an effort. But my future man must be willing to do the same.

 

In my last relationship I feel he wouldn't have left if I didn't say anything. Yet I am also angry because why am I not allowed to say anything? And I didn't even say that much. Afew occasions only...And we didn't even argue, I just said one sentence and he would react and turn the tables on me and I felt blamed.

 

Will men always leave when you speak up?

[niko1999]

No, men will not always leave when you speak up. Most men, however, are just as happy hiding behind car and driver magazine. But if you dont speak up and let the know what youre thinking, how youre feeling, then you wont have an honest relationship, and you wont have communication, and then your relationship WONT work. the reason why you still miss him? Its only been a month, you devoted a lot of youre time to him. But you will get over it, it just takes time. Promise.

[Fancy]

No, mature, unselfish men won't leave when you speak up. From your own account, this guy was totally selfish and immature. Why, pray tell, would you want something like that back in your life? Honey, you need to thank God and Greyhound he's gone! This now frees you up to find a man who will respect you.........someone whom you can actually talk to.......someone who will do what you want once in a while..........someone you don't have to tiptoe around and walk on eggshells with.

 

So what if he was romantic or good in bed? Heck, there's tons of men who can physically please you. What good is a little hanky panky if you're treated like a piece of dirt the rest of the time? Be glad he's gone! Rejoice in it! Throw a party! Be thankful you don't have to waste one more second of your life being disrespected and used! I know it hurts now, but it will pass. You'll look back on this one day and say to yourself, "OMG, I can't believe I once loved him!" Now is the time to love yourself. You will never love yourself as long as you're with him. He degrades you and you degrade yourself by wanting him. Forget him and forget the lame guilt trips he sent you on. Take your life back and live it to the fullest......starting now!

[diana]

Thanx fancy

 

Your post hit the nail on the head and cheered me up too.

 

I find some days I am strong, some days I am sad, some days I am weak, some days I am happy.

 

But I do know he was wrong for me and that I deserve better.

 

I am going to print out your post which is precise and to the point and carry it arround with me and in moments of weakness or sadness I will read it and wake up

 

Quote:

 

"Looking back his change in behavior came when I spoke about our sex life. It was important to me so I spoke about it. But his moody reactions to not liking me disagreeing with his choices of what to do when we spent time together always existed. It just never showed because I didn't disagree much."

 

 

Just one correction, he wasn't good in bed he was selfish in bed...thats what I had to speak up about.

[diana]

quote:

 

"the reason why you still miss him? Its only been a month, you devoted a lot of youre time to him. But you will get over it, it just takes time. Promise."

 

I wrote that on the list too, thanx Niko1999, its very inspiring and very true.