Ex's online friend

[Rinku]

Hello, I have been lurking here regularly for a while now, but never had to guts to post due to my horrible anxiety. But desperate times calls for desperate measures, so here I am posting.

Also I apologize if it's in the wrong section.

 

Okay, I started going out with my ex about 1½ year ago. During that time, I dropped out of school, lost all my friends and was on awful terms with my family because of my ex's jealousy. He couldn't stand

me being around other people and would go into depression if I wanted to stay home one evening or go to school. So I dropped out for his sake. He would also keep me up all night questioning me about my past, crying and moaning about why I had done certain things, like going to parties or drinking. He occasionally would also be physically abusive.

But I digress, this really isn't what my thread was supposed to be about.

 

I broke up with him about 2 months ago, to straighten out my life. Those two months have been the best in a very long time. I have regained friends, gotten rid of my depression, starting school again and am now on great terms with my family.

My ex and I have only spoken very few times since, he contacted me each time. Once trying to make me feel guilty about being happy and leaving him. Last time we spoke he wished me a happy new year, and told me how the year with me had been the best year of his life. I told him thank you, and happy new year to you, too.

 

After that little introduction, I can finally get to the point.

 

During the time we were together, my ex and I would log on his MSN and talk to his online friends and gaming mates (World of Warcraft) and in the last few weeks we were together, I developed a serious crush on one of them. I only spoke to him with my ex or when I used my ex's computer (with his knowledge). He (my crush, will be referred to as "N" from now on) always seemed so sweet and charming, yet innocent and extremely funny. I also made him laugh. My ex talked about him a lot with me, and we even sent N a birthday present to his real life address, my idea, N was very happy and grateful. We also went on cam all three of us, and N told my ex several times that I was cute and he liked redheads and tiny girls. (I'm a redhead and tiny) My ex seemed proud and didn't mind N saying that stuff. I became infatuated with N.

 

So, I finally broke up with my ex because I felt I couldn't go on, I felt trapped by him, and I had another reason, I was in love with his best online friend. I didn't tell him that, though. I only told him I didn't think we belonged together, and I thought we were fighting and arguing too much.

 

Well, as time has passed, my infatuation with N has only grown. Now he occupies my mind every moment, I want to talk to him so badly. I even made an alternative character on his WoW server just so I could see when he was online. Yes, he might have become a slight obsession for me.

 

Thing is, I would really like to pursue things with him. He lives in another country (Finland, I live in Denmark). But I don't know how to, or if I have any right to, after all, he is my ex's friend, and I fear my ex has spoken badly of me or he would think it was a scheme to get him jealous.

 

So the point of this thread: How should I approach N, and should I even? As mentioned, we're not on the same server so it would be too obvious if I started a low level character just to talk to him, and I wouldn't even know what to say. N is a bit untrusting, so I also worry he would think I was doing it to ridicule him.

 

Sorry for any errors, my English is not what it used to be.

 

Thank you in advance.

[whichwayisup]

In all honesty, don't get involved with N. He is too connected to your ex and also, just because you have feelings for this guy online, doesn't mean this has to progress into something else. Online, people lie and play a fantasy life. Your feelings for him may be real but they are based on what online stuff, not face to face stuff. Plus, the distance between you two is an issue.

 

You might be better off finding a guy you can see, feel and touch, meet up with face to face.

 

I have to say, I'm glad you're OUT of that other relationship, your ex has a real problem with anger, jealously and serious control issues as well.

[You'reasian]

I'll have to agree. I find it strange that you would want to meet someone over a game like WOW - isn't it better to meet a person in real life first?

 

If he's your best friends friend, then its probably not a good idea to go after him.

[Island Girl]

Hello Rinku

 

I am so glad you have made your way out of such a traumatizing relationship. All of the emotional strain and abuse along with physical abuse can really take a toll on one's self-esteem and it takes such strength to overcome that. Some people never save themselves and you have - so kudos and big {{{hugs}}}.

 

Now about the crush you are having -- don't act on it. Completely forget it. Your mind is doing a natural pattern of behavior of replacement.

You had a relationship that was drama filled and overcame your life. That is what your used to.

So now your mind is replacing that part of your life. You have conditioned your mind that angst and conflicting thoughts are what a relationship IS. So it is no surprise that this crush has developed to that level.

 

It is not that you are doing this subconsciously. It is just that you have been stuck for so long in a dysfunctional relationship - and that to you felt like love. Your brain considered that love. And now you have consciously accepted that it isn't really love and that it was bad for you.

But you haven't rehabilitated what feels right - or what feels like love. That is why women date the same guy over and over again. He looks different - his name is different but he has the same issues as the previous ex, as the previous ex, etc.

 

This person you have a crush on may exhibit great qualities. But you also know there is MUCH drama associated with the possibility of even contacting him. It is creating obsessive thoughts and filling that space that has been missing since your break up. That in itself is a reason not to act on your feelings.

But more importantly you also know that if you did contact him, and started dating him, your ex would go off the deep end.

 

You have no idea what your ex is capable of. He was already physically abusive and that was when you were with him. Imagine how he would react if you become someone else's - someone that he KNOWS (which definitely pours salt in the wound for anyone) - and he is that mentally unbalanced.

 

It isn't worth it. You do not know that this other person would even consider the possibility of dating you. He very well may not. And if he did, there are many problems with the relationship from the beginning with distance, his distrust, etc.

 

It is better for you to find another who you can get to know slowly and develop a better relationship pattern with. You need this in person although I know it may be challenging. That is why you start from the beginning in a traditional relationship. Meeting, first few dates, observing, being treated well, and making baby steps toward full romantic feelings and a full blown relationship.

 

You just have to develop your tools - the mental tools - to stay away from men like your ex. And that takes time. Whether you ever had them or not or not they need to be developed as well as your progression toward a healthy self perspective.

 

Please do not take such a set back. I was really touched by the feeling behind your words. I really want you to succeed and be in a happy loving relationship. You sooo deserve it.

[Rinku]

Thank you all for your replies.

I must admit I was hoping someone would tell me to go after him, but after reading your advice, I've decided not to act. And since it probably is nothing more that infatuation, my feelings will most likely fade over time, and when it happens, I can concentrate on someone I know will be available.

It's going to be hard though, I tend to fall for guys that are just the opposite of that.