blair08 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Has anyone had a family member or loved one that had a alcohol problem? If so, did you and your family seek help from alnon? If so, what do you feel you got from it, and what should I expect? My dad has a a drinking problem for the past few years. No, he is not a fallin down drunk, staying out all night at bars kind of alcoholic. I do know, that just because he doesn't do those things doesn't mean he doesn't have a problem. My mother, brother, sister and myself DO NOT know what to do anymore to try to help him. We have been there for him. Printed out info on how to get help, asked him to get help. He even admits he has a problem and knows he should quit and says he can anytime he wants to quit. Which says to me he must not want to quit and/or his problem goes deeper than he or we think and he really may need outside help. So, right now, if he wont seek help, we are all thinking of going to the alnon meetings to see if it can help us with how to cope and deal with this issue. What should we expect to get from it? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 The biggest thing I got from al anon was to let go of trying to control the alcoholic. Let go and keep your side of the street clean, so to speak. You deal with your stuff, the anger, feelings of betrayal and emotional abandonment, and be accountable to yourself. Let them deal with their stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blair08 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 The biggest thing I got from al anon was to let go of trying to control the alcoholic. Let go and keep your side of the street clean, so to speak. You deal with your stuff, the anger, feelings of betrayal and emotional abandonment, and be accountable to yourself. Let them deal with their stuff. Thanks! I see what you're saying, and it does effect us all even though we are all grown and no longer live there. It started a few years back, and no one is real sure why he really took up drinking to begin with. he was one of these that would always have a beer or mixed drink from time to time but nothign major, now its alot and the amount is alot as well. My mother of course is the main one who deals more with this simply because they live in the same house. How is the best way for her tod eal with things when he gets mouthy? I don't mean he is abusive or yells, but he jsut gets mouthy, you can always tell when he has had a few, and its not because he is stumbling, its just in his actions. He no longer keeps it in the house like he used to. Now its been moved outside in a cooler where he keeps it in his outside building. He makes many trips out there, my guess is one, so my mother will not know how many he is drinking, which is really beside the point I guess. She said about 12 midnight last night, he got up from watching TV, she was in teh bed, and he waited until she cut out the light, thinking she was asleep and he went outside. She said her guess was probably to drink some more. He doesn't go out there like that often when they get ready for bed, but sometimes its like he has to get that one last beer in before bed. As far as people trying to not control him anymore, no one has done that for along time, we all just kind of stopped and took a step back. We knew he was going to have to help himself and that we had no control over things anymore. I do think my mother feels at her wits end even though she says nothing to him anymore on the issue, its the way he acts when he drinks that bothers her, and that is hard to ignore. She will tell him at times, she doesn't appreciate the way he is acting or talking o her. Link to post Share on other sites
CSK001 Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 I would suggest you to navigate about this one on internet. If the problem is quite serious please visit to a psychiatrist. CSK Alcoholism Information Link to post Share on other sites
Author blair08 Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 I would suggest you to navigate about this one on internet. If the problem is quite serious please visit to a psychiatrist. CSK Alcoholism Information Thanks I have. Was wondering if there was other people who had gone through this kind of thing on here and wanted their perspective too. Obviosuly there was only one, thanks for the link too! Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 What I got out of it was how to let go of the part I an enabler plays in the cycle. You feel like "If they loved me, they'd quit. They haven't quit so they must not love me. What have I done wrong and how can I make them love me enough for them to quit?" Next thing you know, you're making excuses for them again. It also helped me realize that sometimes the best help you can give an alcoholic is to shove them out on their own two feet with no access to you or your help. They either sink or swim at that point but it is no longer taking a daily toll on your day to day or you goals. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 My mother is (was?) an alcoholic. I can look back now at things going on through my childhood and see the signs of a drink problem but it was only after my parents split up that she really started drinking. The scary thing is how well someone with a drink problem can function whilst downing a bottle of vodka (minimum) every day. However over time my relationship with her fell apart as she became more aggressive, emotional and even abusive towards me (emotionally). I have now not seen or heard from her in about 20 years (hence the "was" above as she may even be dead for all I know). She moved away without giving me her details - I just knew the town. I have tried tracing her but my attitude is now that if she wanted to, she could find me (my father still lives in the house that I grew up in after their divorce and before she moved). Whilst I know that if I found definite news about my mother, it may prove upsetting or difficult, I have resolved myself to her not being part of my life. This has happened through her actions and I know that I should not have had to endure the emotional abuse etc that she threw at me. In the end it may be that you have to let go of your father for your own peace of mind. Don't punish yourself for his failings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blair08 Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 What I got out of it was how to let go of the part I an enabler plays in the cycle. You feel like "If they loved me, they'd quit. They haven't quit so they must not love me. What have I done wrong and how can I make them love me enough for them to quit?" Next thing you know, you're making excuses for them again. It also helped me realize that sometimes the best help you can give an alcoholic is to shove them out on their own two feet with no access to you or your help. They either sink or swim at that point but it is no longer taking a daily toll on your day to day or you goals. Wow, yeah I really think that is how my mother feels as well. She knows she can not help him in the way she would like too, because that falls on def ears and has proven to be pointless over the past few years. I think her biggest thing right now is, how is the best way for her to act around him when he does drink? He gets pretty mouthy....and if anything its irritating and frustrating. Should she ignore it all together? Acknowledge it and just say, things like, "She doesn't appreciate the way she is being talked to" and drop it after that? or what? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 blair, go to al-anon. It can only help. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Wow, yeah I really think that is how my mother feels as well. She knows she can not help him in the way she would like too, because that falls on def ears and has proven to be pointless over the past few years. I think her biggest thing right now is, how is the best way for her to act around him when he does drink? He gets pretty mouthy....and if anything its irritating and frustrating. Should she ignore it all together? Acknowledge it and just say, things like, "She doesn't appreciate the way she is being talked to" and drop it after that? or what? The only thing she can do when he is like that is maybe lock herself in another part of the house if there is a door he cannot kick through, take a shower if he will actually leave her be during it, or leave the house. Most likely if he is like that when he drinks and she tries to leave (house or room) then he will get physically aggressive. Maybe not to the point of punching her, but grabbing, taking phone receivers and pocketing them, taking keys to cars, pushing could ensue. Leaving completely and not coming back worked real well for me. He is still a drunk though and in the last year got his 5th DUI. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blair08 Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 blair, go to al-anon. It can only help. We all plan too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blair08 Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 The only thing she can do when he is like that is maybe lock herself in another part of the house if there is a door he cannot kick through, take a shower if he will actually leave her be during it, or leave the house. Most likely if he is like that when he drinks and she tries to leave (house or room) then he will get physically aggressive. Maybe not to the point of punching her, but grabbing, taking phone receivers and pocketing them, taking keys to cars, pushing could ensue. Leaving completely and not coming back worked real well for me. He is still a drunk though and in the last year got his 5th DUI. Well he hasn't ever gotten physical....not saying it couldn't get to that point...he is what I'd say not sloppy drunk...but has had just enough to be able to tell he has had some. He mouths off as in mocking what she says...that can anything from the weather to whats on the TV....kind of immature childish acting. If she says something not even pertaining to him drinking because she doesn't mention that anymore..but she could be talking about anything, he might act defensive or takes things the wrong way...he is kind of like that even when he is not drinking but more so when he has been. He'll get real down and out too, or depressed like. Its sad to see him act that way. Anyway thanks for the replies, and we all do plan on attending those meetings. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 We all plan too. i go! it's great! try it... i go to al-anon and to AA. yep, i am the recovering alcoholic who also deals with this disease within my family members and the people i sponsor. it helps me to set safe and healthy boundaries for myself - that alone helps me to be happy! you should go... Link to post Share on other sites
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