What did I do wrong? This is tough..

[windy777]

My wife and I have been married for 9 years - we have two beautiful kids (6 and 3). We've had a great marriage for the last 7-8 years. Last year, I took an international job and had to stay away from the family for 3-4 months. Things didnt work out in that assignment and I decided to move back to the family after that period. Since last few months, my wife has started suggesting that things arent as they used to be because I was not around last year and couldnt help take care of kids and family. Since last month, my wife has stopped talking to me - no physical contact - not even touching or hugging. I spoke to her about a month ago, and she said that she had always been frustrated because I havent helped her with household things and things have gotten to a point where she has completely shut down. She doesnt beleive she loves me any more and is not sure if she ever will. Since then I am going through an emotional roller coaster. I really love her, and the kids. and I cant even think about separating with her and impacting the kids. Even she doesnt want to impact the kids so she says that we should continue living together for the sake of kids. I dont know what to do! I believe I have done my part of helping out at home whenever possible - but because of my work schedule, it has been difficult to help alot with household things. I find myself as a stranger in my own house because she seems very happy with kids and in front of other friends. However, the moment we are alone, she completely shuts down and goes to bed. On a different topic, she did cheat on me once (She kissed one of her co-workers - atleast thats what she admitted). I still love her despite what she had done - and I am just hoping for some advice where I can get things back on track. I want to hug her, talk about silly things but she is a different person. I have tried many things such as taking her out to dinner, making conversation every day - but it hasnt helped. Now I am losing my self respect and feeling like a failure in my life. What should I do?

[whichwayisup]

Meanwhile, you're off making money to support your family and your wife was sneaking around?? Do you know how far she really went with the co-worker? Because it sounds to me they're still intouch and could be closer than you think.

 

She is different, aka the affair-fog. She may have let herself get TOO emotionally attached to someone else and that's why she's distant emotionally and physically from you.

 

Talk to her and tell her that you two need to fix things, get to marriage counselling otherwise the marriage will get worse.

[windy777]

Thanks for the post. I doubt she is in touch with the same guy because this incident happened 3 years ago and he has since moved to a different state. However, I wouldnt be surprised if she is in some sort of emotional relationship with someone else.

 

I did talk to her about the potential of marriage getting worse - I even mentioned that this might mean that we have to separate but she didnt too concerned about it - she said that she can't see herself living away from the kids, and I said the same thing. Thats when she said that we should try to continue this life style for the sake of kids. However, I try everyday - calling her - asking her about her day etc. but she doesnt take any initiative to check on how things are going with me. Maybe she has given up. but I havent. Although I dont know how far I can go like this.

[troubadour]

Whichwayisup is right. It is very likly that there is another dude in her life.

[2sure]

You need to do something proactive here. Living as a stranger in your home or as roommate to your wife is not an acceptable way for anyone to live , including your children.

 

For some reason, your wife has decided that she holds all the cards. Whether she is punishing you for not helping, has grown bored with you, herself, the marriage, or another reason...this is not acceptable and she needs a wakeup call. You love her, and cherish your marriage, so this wake up call might be hard - but its what you have to do.

 

Infidelity aside for the moment - some of the same wake up calls can be used. If she wants to stay in the marriage - you both have to show evidence of this in the form of actions and change. MC would be a great first step since you ae now not communicating. If she refuses, or doesnt sincerely participate - show her that you are not simply a check book that lives under her roof. Leave. File paperwork for separation and give her nomoney that is not court ordered. She will realize that you are not a check book but a provider. She will realize that a marriage is a valued partnership , and that a family is not complete without 2 loving parents.

 

You have got to be proactive - what have you to lose?

[windy777]

2sure.. you make a good point and I have thought about this. My biggest fear is - what if she really goes for separation. Would that jeopardize any chance that I may still have left to make this marriage work? What if she is on the fence - and in desparation out of separation, goes for another guy. She is very beautiful - and I am sure she wouldn't have much problem in finding guys, who - in the short term might be able to give her the emotional and physical support she might need?

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

Windy, I think there is about an 90% chance that she is cheating on you. Listen carefully. You need to keylogger her computer. and then you need to purchase 3 or 4 Voice activated recorders. 1 goes in her car. 1 goes in your bedroom. 1 goes in the room she speaks on the phone the most in. You can also have your phone tapped. You need to do the keylogger and the VARs as soon as possible. Then you catch her. When you have caught her, you must tell all your family and her family. You must find out if the other man is married and out him to his wife. She will control him. And then you can focus on your wife. Upon finding all this out. You must close your joint accounts and give her an allowance only. Only faithful wives get joint bank accounts. If you do all these things you have a chance to reconcile. If you bury your head in the sand or if you decide not to rock the boat. Your marriage will not last. It doesn't matter how much you love your kids. One of the most important points is regarding your children. You and your wife will be the example for how they relate in there marriage. Do you want them to have that type of marriage?

 

The VARs are 30 to 100 dollars each.

You can also get a gps for around 100 dollars so you will know where she is going.

 

Now its up to you.

[NoIDidn't]

Do I think she is cheating? Could be.

 

Do I think she is frustrated with handling things alone a lot? Possibly.

 

From someone who handles just about everything dealing with the household alone (and horribly at that, lol), I can understand her possible frustration there. But it can't just be that alone.

 

So I ask you, did you two agree that you would take that international job where she was left alone for up to four months? Or was it something that you just came home and announced? Does she feel put upon by you - always asked to make compromises on your behalf and getting stuck with the kids and household responsibilities?

 

I ask because I have been there, sometimes go back there quite a bit. I think that my H honestly wants to help, but his job and the other hobbies and things he takes on leave him too exhausted to. But it doesn't make me feel any better that he has good intentions.

 

I have been where your W seems to be. But we never spoke separation or anything. On top of that, I wasn't the one that eventually cheated.

 

If you did more around the house, would that help? Have you asked her that?

[lkjh]

I agree with the above posters. She wouldn't simply out of nowhere want to end it. She has already proven she is capable of cheating and Iam willing to bet she only admitted to the "kiss" after you pressed her. You need to get one the offensive and do something. Keylogger, separation, or at least a outline for one.

[seibert253]

Do you think she was completely honest when she told you all she did was kiss this other guy. I don't think so. Her emotional attention is with someone else, it's not just hovering somewhere in space. Radical problems sometimes require a radical approach. Tap the home phone, keylogger on any computers, and if she has a cellular telephone switch to detailed billing. Gather the evidence you need, then when the time is right confront her with it. Give her the option of leaving, (she leaves, you don't), or working this out. If she has any love for you, she'll come around. If she doesn't, then it's time to move on. You cannot be a great dad for your kids, if your life is an emotional mess like it is right now.

[imagine]

Please check out the articles at marriagebuilders.com. Read em.

 

PI then exposure on discovery of details.

 

Next step is recovery of you.

[JennaGennaro]

windy777, sorry for what you are going through.

 

Might I add a few other things? Does your wife stay at home with the kids or does she work outside the home? If she works outside the home and complains that you do not help with the chores, then might I suggest hiring some help. Same thing if she is overwhelmed and she stays at home. You are doing enough to support the family and do not have time to do these things. If you did this and her attitude still did not improve, then I would definitely say there is more to this.

 

I do hope you are doting on the kids when you get home and spending time with them. There should be a trade-off when you get home so she could have time to take a bath or something for herself.

 

I wouldn't discount what the others have said about her having an affair. It may not be physical, but it could be emotional and just as damaging.

 

Is your wife on any medication that may be affecting her?

 

I'm sorry if these questions and suggestions sound stupid, but I listen to a lot of relationship advice on talk radio and I hear this a lot.

 

From the sounds of it, you are making an effort to get the old spark back, but she isn't. Has she given you any other signals before she just stopped talking to you? What were things like when you were living apart? How was she on the phone? How often did you communicate?

 

In any event, the children are seeing this (the non-communicating and distance) and it is not good. I wish you well.

[windy777]

First of all thank you to everyone who have responded. I suddenly feel that I have the support of individuals who I can talk to openly. Few more clarifications that I should have included in my previous posts -

 

* Both me and my wife are currently working. She makes a fairly good income on her own - so I dont think money has or will be an issue.

* The decision to take up the international assignment was mutual. There were circumstances at that time that we both felt it made sense to take up that assignment. However, in a few months, we realized that it wasnt the best decision.

* I have brought up the idea of hiring help at home several times. We have actually brought in help for laundry, cleaning etc. However, her concern is that I don't think about little things at home such as when to signup kids for weekend classes etc. She is correct to some extent - she has certainly done more house work as well as taken "charge" of kids related decisions etc. (such as what courses should they sign up for). I have acknowledged that to her - and even proposed that I am willing to do what it takes to do my share of work - even if it means changing my work commitments.

 

I do know she is extremely overwhelmed at work because she was recently promoted and maybe that is what caused her to this point of frustration. I certainly can't discount the possibility of her having an affair but I still hope deep in my heart that it was more to do with my lack of involvement in house related activites than someone else.

 

I think I will hold off on Keyloggers etc. for some time because I am afraid to go down that path which might lead to further eroding our relationship. I feel that our relationship was built on trust and the moment I start going down the keylogger route, I would break her trust similar to what she had done to me few years ago. May be this is a wrong decision - may be I am weak - may be I am confused. However, I just want to give it some time and do little things at home that might give her an opportunity to see that I am serious about making things work. I will continue to report the progress (or lack of) in this forum. Thanks again for all your support.

[windy777]

Ok..here is another update. I took her out to a nice restaurant yesterday, hoping that it would help us make some progress. We had a good discussion about work, shared a few jokes. Until the end of the dinner, things were going fairly ok. Then suddenly something happened and she began talking about the past issues again. She said that when I was out of country, it got her to the realization that she can be pretty independent and has the capability to manage the kids on her own. She finally gave up and decided that instead of getting frustrated with me not helping, she decided to let go of any expectations from me. She says she is really at peace now - and sleeps well in the night, knowing that she doesnt have any expectations from me to help with anything at home. She said she is not going to pretend about things any more, and has no feelings or emotions for me. It might come back in some time - but she is not sure. I told her that I loved her, but she didnt think I was being honest because of what happened to us in the last month. I told her one month's events can't change how I feel about her and I still loved her as much as I used to in the past. She started rolling her eyes as if I was pretending again. I am really tired of trying and I think I am getting to a point where i need to do something differnet. I beleive the time has come for me to move on because it kills me to be in the same house and still live like total strangers - and she seems to be at complete peace with that arrangement. Sorry about ongoing ramblings but I really dont think there is anyone left who I can talk to about what I am going through. I dont expect you all to read and respond to all of my problems, but it feels nice that there are few people out there who are willing to listen. I will start working on logistics of getting a separate accomodation etc. Will keep updating on how things go.

[imagine]

Look, I suggested your reading the articles at Marriagebuilders.com. You are responsible for your marriage.

 

Keyloggers/recorders are all part of the equation. Do it for your marriage. Everything should be visible for the purpose of marriage counseling anyway. Establish your wives Emotional Needs.

[Geishawhelk]

2sure.. you make a good point and I have thought about this. My biggest fear is - what if she really goes for separation. Would that jeopardize any chance that I may still have left to make this marriage work?

 

Sorry to jump back so many posts, but the above question jumped out at me....

The marraige stopped working already.

look, you can go to keyloggers, marriagebuilders, whattodonowers, whatever.

The fact is and the fact remains she's gone, and she won't be back, emotionally speaking.

 

So I think you need to do as suggested by 2sure and do something decisive and proactive.

And point out to her that if this is what she wants, then you'll get on and do it. You're not prepared to live in limbo.

You are completely and totally committed and prepared to try to come to an understanding and to build bridges through MC, but if she obviously doesn't deem the relationship worth salvaging, you'll end it and be done with it.

 

And get the ball rolling.

[windy777]

Ok - so here is another update. This morning, I told that I have decided to move out. I can't live in this uncertainty and feel that I am better off living separately because I am not seeing any effort on her side to make things work. She was quite for a while - seemed to be open to the idea. I started packing my bags in the morning, booked a hotel room and was ready to get into my car. Then she stops by and says I dont want you to go. She says that we can make this work - there is no reason to live separately. Then I told her that the only I see this working is if we make a specific time table - and work from both sides in improving things. She said that her needs are very simple, and she wants me to take charge in household chores. I am going to make a list of things which I will be responsible for going forward - I told her that we will give it next 4 weeks and by end of Feb if things are not atleast 50% better than what they are, we would need to take different steps at that point, She agreed to that.

 

I felt good about our discussion - and really want to thank all of you in helping me think straight. Will keep posting updates as they develop.

[imagine]

Giving a timetable is not a very good idea. Keeping a time in your own head is fine.

 

Take this time to improve your marriage. This job is yours.

[2sure]

Windy -

 

You were proactive in saying you were leaving and booking a room.

And your action caused a reaction that hopefully will lead to good results.

But remember - you didnt leave. You didnt actually do anything. Just know that.

 

The cleaning, the kids schedules, are necessary and overwhelming factors in nearly everyone's life and marriage. The difference in your marriage is that the cleaning and scheduling caused your wife to treat you like a necessary evil. Ya think?? No. You and your wife have got to either identify the real problems that are making the small problems magnified OR

you have to figure out how/why she would use the martyr/passive-aggressive /withholding affection method of communication.

Either your marriage has a serious problem or your wife does.

And thats ok - as long as you KNOW what the problem is.

[NoIDidn't]

Windy -

 

You were proactive in saying you were leaving and booking a room.

And your action caused a reaction that hopefully will lead to good results.

But remember - you didnt leave. You didnt actually do anything. Just know that.

 

The cleaning, the kids schedules, are necessary and overwhelming factors in nearly everyone's life and marriage. The difference in your marriage is that the cleaning and scheduling caused your wife to treat you like a necessary evil. Ya think?? No. You and your wife have got to either identify the real problems that are making the small problems magnified OR

you have to figure out how/why she would use the martyr/passive-aggressive /withholding affection method of communication.

Either your marriage has a serious problem or your wife does.

And thats ok - as long as you KNOW what the problem is.

 

ITA. Mostly, anyway. As a W who's H hardly helps with household chores, I can kind of understand the way his W is handling things. But she wasn't being completely honest with him about it in deciding not to expect anything but then giving him a list when he said he was leaving.

 

But ITA about either the marriage or the W having the problems. Its probably both though as she has shown with the passive aggressive manner of dealing with it. I am anything BUT PA so I can't relate.

 

But I will say this. A husband that is not proactive about the home and doing his part to keep it functioning is a husband that will see his desirability go down in his wife's eyes. I hope the OP honors what he said he will do or this is going to come back in a major way.

 

OP, every little bit helps. My H only has a few things that he is responsible for. We will add more as our situation changes. You and your W will likely revisit this item frequently so I wouldn't be so quick to threaten to move out, whether you meant it or not. What you are going through in this regard is not uncommon. Good luck.

[Whillo]

I agree with HunkaHunka. I lived through all that Windy -- the spouse who stopped me from an inevitable divorce by saying we should work it out. He had all the excuses your wife has now. So I stayed and it was okay for a bit, but then deteriorated through the years. Finally, at the end, I found out he was having an affair then, and just figured out how to keep the marriage and get sneakier. I never suspected an affair (none of us want to believe the person you married could be that stinking deceitful). I blamed myself and did everything I could. It was a freaking roller coaster. If I had known about keyloggers and other ways to just find out the truth, I would have been a lot better off. I would have absolutely loved to catch him not doing anything.

 

She would never know if she wasn't doing anything. If she is and you confront her, she'll be pissed but what leg would she have to stand on?

 

Almost everything you wrote sounds like the words my husband told me.

 

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I know it hurts.

[giotto]

There must be a reason deeper that the household chores, surely. Can't believe it's a deal breaker. Unless you wife is the type of woman who bottles it up and let the resentment get out of control, to the point that she doesn't feel any emotions towards you... She stopped you from leaving? That's normal. She is doing it for the kids and not to feel guilty. I'm in the same boat. Different reasons, but I just moved into my office, upstairs... next step will be a flat on my own...

[Lauriebell82]

Hi Windy, I'm sorry you are going through this. I agree that there is a deeper reason then "the chores." Generally you don't break up bc one person doesn't do the chores..there is something deeper under there and the "chores" are just a replacement reason for the truth.

 

Sorry to tell you: I think she is having an affair. I agree she doesn't want you to leave bc of your children and bc she doesn't want to feel guilty. Your kids would ask her "where's daddy?" and it would make her feel guilty that she precipitated the whole thing.

 

She told you flat out she had no emotion for you. So, she wants you to stay because....

 

You can stay if you want, and you may very well be able to work out your issues. But you will not be able to do that if she is sleeping with someone else. And chances are she won't stop.

[2sunny]

she's cheating... you need to dig through the crap she's giving you to find the truth.

 

denial isn't helping you to deal with reality right now.

 

when you have the TRUTH of what's really going on - then we can help you make things different/better. to think otherwise is totally delusional.

 

to continue on as if the issue is the chores is insanity - she's just covering up her crap by pretending it's the chores and you when it's actually all about HER!

 

find the truth... no more denial. good luck.

[Heroic]

Dude, This isn't about chores, she is cheating. Plain and simple she is distancing herself from you and making you the bad guys so she won't feel guilty. Get the survailence equipment, confirm it and move on.