My husband cheated on me and now he wants a divorce!

[brokenheartforever]

Hello everyone,

 

I've decided to join this board as I'm going through extreme emotions right now. I am 36 and have been married for almost 15 years to the father of my four beautiful children.

 

I caught my husband with one of his co-workers having phone sex and he confessed that he had slept with her. I was devastated but was totally unprepared for the next punch. Turns out he files for divorce!

 

He is bailing out on me and on our children simply because I won't cater to his every sexual need! He always asks me to do weird things and I simply couldn't handle it. Now my life is a real mess because of his selfishness.

 

How can I ever recover from this?

[PinkKittyKat]

Yeah I'm curious about these "weird things" he wanted you to do...

That's pretty low, though. He gets caught being a cheating scumbag and then BAM, hits you with divorce papers?

 

Stories like this are what make me ache for reinstatement of adultery laws. If a marriage is a contract, and you have to split financial things when divorcing, adultery should null ALL divorce rights of the guilty party. There should be a legal punishment for breaking the marriage vows. If a person has to pay child support, they should have to pay a penalty for sleeping around.

 

Are either of you open to counseling and reconciling? I can't tell you how sorry I am.

[brokenheartforever]

Thank you for the support.

 

When I met my husband, he was a rather shy and conservative guy, which is why I was attracted to him in the first place.

 

As some of you may know, looking after four children is not an easy task and my appetite for sex declined as my days got longer and longer.

 

I must say I was fairly conservative myself but have "progressed" quite a bit over the last decade or so. I know this may sound tame for most of you but it took me many years to actually enjoy giving and receiving oral sex.

 

As the years went by, my husband started to ask me to do such degrading acts like swallowing his semen and partaking in anal sex. That was just too much for me. I never thought this would lead him to cheat on me and dump me and our children!

 

Part of me thinks perhaps I should've given in to his needs in order to keep my children happy but part of me also thinks my husband was a real selfish jerk.

[kdark]

That's really selfish...

 

Divorcing because you wouldn't swallow and perform anal? Wow...

 

I'm willing to try anything sexually, but after four kids I would naturally expect things to calm down. ESPECIALLY since you said you were both pretty conservative in that department...

 

I hope everything works out for you eventually...

[brokenheartforever]

Divorcing because you wouldn't swallow and perform anal? Wow...

 

I know... I must say it was more complicated than just that but essentially his major complaint was my unwillingness to "try" all of these dirty things for his sole pleasure.

[LovieDove24]

Hmm yes you do sound very conservative in that department. Swallowing and anal are a far cry from dressing as animals and going to conventions Lol.

 

Anyways, I don't think you've given us enough background information here. How long was he having this affair with his coworker? Is he leaving you for her? What does he say about your childrens involvement with all this?

[Geishawhelk]

my husband started to ask me to do such degrading acts like swallowing his semen and partaking in anal sex..//...I know... I must say it was more complicated than just that but essentially his major complaint was my unwillingness to "try" all of these dirty things for his sole pleasure.

 

Er.... excuse me...

I hate to tell you this, but a lot of women do this, find it neither disgusting nor degrading, and find great enjoyment in it. It's not 'dirty'.

 

Hundreds of women swallow sperm. Hundreds of women have anal sex.

Your opinions are your opinions, but please bear in mind that different people like different things.

You may find them this way.

Accepted.

Try to equally accept that others really enjoy them. That doesn't make them dirty, disgusting or degraded people. It makes them different.

 

This may be a good opportunity therefore to examine your own views on what constitutes dirty disgusting and degrading - and why.

Upbringing?

Religious influence?

parental instruction?

The only time something is questionable, is when a sexual act is performed whilst one partner is compliant, but not willing with all heart and mind.

 

If you are co-erced into doing something you feel is not to your liking, then it's wrong - for you.

But it doesn't make it wrong in general, for everyone.

 

Do you see?

[brokenheartforever]

Hmm yes you do sound very conservative in that department. Swallowing and anal are a far cry from dressing as animals and going to conventions Lol.

 

Anyways, I don't think you've given us enough background information here. How long was he having this affair with his coworker? Is he leaving you for her? What does he say about your childrens involvement with all this?

 

I know I am conservative and unfortunately I'm too old to change... But that's the way I was when we first dated, that's the way I was when we married.

 

He and I have had no "personal" contact for the past month. He takes the kids every other weekend and drops them home on Sunday afternoons, but that's about it. I refuse to talk to him and I don't want to hear any explanation or excuses. He has betrayed my trust and I can't get over it.

[brokenheartforever]

Er.... excuse me...

I hate to tell you this, but a lot of women do this, find it neither disgusting nor degrading, and find great enjoyment in it. It's not 'dirty'.

 

Hundreds of women swallow sperm. Hundreds of women have anal sex.

Your opinions are your opinions, but please bear in mind that different people like different things.

You may find them this way.

Accepted.

Try to equally accept that others really enjoy them. That doesn't make them dirty, disgusting or degraded people. It makes them different.

 

This may be a good opportunity therefore to examine your own views on what constitutes dirty disgusting and degrading - and why.

Upbringing?

Religious influence?

parental instruction?

The only time something is questionable, is when a sexual act is performed whilst one partner is compliant, but not willing with all heart and mind.

 

If you are co-erced into doing something you feel is not to your liking, then it's wrong - for you.

But it doesn't make it wrong in general, for everyone.

 

Do you see?

 

I know I am on the more conservative end of things and have fully acknowledged it. The fact that others do it and enjoy it is irrelevant as I'm not judging anyone. I am how I am. I do not enjoy such practices, it makes me really uncomfortable to even think about doing it. Ultimately I am just not turned on by such acts.

[anne1707]

When your husband asked you to do these things for him, how did you react? Was it along the lines of thank you but that's not for me or did you make it clear you felt it was degrading and dirty? Whilst your H should not force you to do anything you feel uncomfortable with, did you reject him? Just as you wanted him to show understanding of your needs, you should have shown understanding of his.

 

Also, even if your marriage is over, to not talk to him even when he is dropping the children off is not going to help. For the sake of your children, you need to keep things as amicable as possible (at least in front of them).

[shunter]

I know I am on the more conservative end of things and have fully acknowledged it. The fact that others do it and enjoy it is irrelevant as I'm not judging anyone. I am how I am. I do not enjoy such practices, it makes me really uncomfortable to even think about doing it. Ultimately I am just not turned on by such acts.

 

Ok, then you are getting a divorce! I hate to be blunt, but I would have divorced you years earlier. Poor guy -- many years of sexual dissatisfaction. I feel for him. As your husband evolved and wanted to try different things, you didn't, so what do you expect?

 

Maybe you should have told him "Honey, I'm sorry I won't do these things. If you want to see another woman for that, then I am OK with it"

 

Then you wouldnt be getting a divorce !

 

But you didnt, so you expect him to stay with you??

[Jersey Shortie]

Of course she did. He made a commitment to stay with her if they were legally married.

 

OP, if you still love him is there anyway you can go talk to a professional about your issues? Maybe you two can come to a compromise?

 

All in all, this is a good example of expectations that have been risen from normal sex to expecting anal and swallowing sperm. I am not saying these sexual activities are bad at all. I just think that they are things that are typically glorified in porn and men then want to try them because of course all the women in porn are *acting* like they love it.

 

He should have been more sincere and honest in the bonds of your relationship and if he was that distatisfied he should have talked to you about it. I feel for you and think what he did was completely wrong. But you can't just shrug your shoulders and tell your husband "too bad, I don't want to do x,y or z" without any consideration to his needs. I am not saying you have to get invovled with the sexual acts he wants either. But you mentioned a declining sex drive and your attitude kind of comes off like you've thrown in the towel on that and don't care to make the effort to change it. Could it be possible that this has more to do with the over all decline in sex then engaging in anal or swallowing?

 

Men need sex to feel conntected to their partner. And if we are honest with ourselves, we do too.

[SushiX]

Ok, then you are getting a divorce! I hate to be blunt, but I would have divorced you years earlier. Poor guy -- many years of sexual dissatisfaction. I feel for him. As your husband evolved and wanted to try different things, you didn't, so what do you expect?

 

Maybe you should have told him "Honey, I'm sorry I won't do these things. If you want to see another woman for that, then I am OK with it"

 

Then you wouldnt be getting a divorce !

 

But you didnt, so you expect him to stay with you??

 

You're kidding right? You would divorce because you're not sexually satisfied? What about the kids??

[BoerumHill]

I know I am conservative and unfortunately I'm too old to change...

 

Setting aside the subject matter for a moment...

 

You don't actually feel like you have stopped evolving at 36 do you? I don't mean just sexually.

[BoerumHill]

All in all, this is a good example of expectations that have been risen from normal sex to expecting anal and swallowing sperm. I am not saying these sexual activities are bad at all. I just think that they are things that are typically glorified in porn and men then want to try them because of course all the women in porn are *acting* like they love it.

 

 

As soon as I saw the user name - before reading one word - I instantly thought "gonna be linkage to porn here"

 

LMAO

 

You are entertaining if nothing else.

[shunter]

You're kidding right? You would divorce because you're not sexually satisfied? What about the kids??

 

Well, I think it would go like this:

 

1. "honey i want you to swallow my cum. at least let me cum in your mouth and try it"

2. repeat 1 every other night for 5 years because i love my wife and kids and otherwise she is a good woman

3. "how about anal sex? i promise to be gentle, it wont hurt .. lets try"

4. repeat 3 every other night for 4 years

5. go find a hooker that will swallow and likes greek. it took me many months to get the courage to do this because i love my wife

6. continue to see hooker a few more times

7. start flirting with other women

8. find someone special that swallows and does anal and other things i REALLY want to do with my wife, but God forbid, i could never bring them up because she wont even swallow or do anal!

9. fall in love with 8

10. divorce my wife to be with 8

 

 

So, to answer your question, NO, I am not kidding, and YES, I would divorce because I am sexually unsatisified, and YES, i love my kids thats why I put up with this woman for the last 10 years with a boring love life !!! Besides, I will have the kids on the weekends, I probably will end up spending more time with them as a result

[movingonandon]

Well, I think it would go like this:

 

1. "honey i want you to swallow my cum. at least let me cum in your mouth and try it"

2. repeat 1 every other night for 5 years because i love my wife and kids and otherwise she is a good woman

3. "how about anal sex? i promise to be gentle, it wont hurt .. lets try"

4. repeat 3 every other night for 4 years

5. go find a hooker that will swallow and likes greek. it took me many months to get the courage to do this because i love my wife

6. continue to see hooker a few more times

7. start flirting with other women

8. find someone special that swallows and does anal and other things i REALLY want to do with my wife, but God forbid, i could never bring them up because she wont even swallow or do anal!

9. fall in love with 8

10. divorce my wife to be with 8

 

 

So, to answer your question, NO, I am not kidding, and YES, I would divorce because I am sexually unsatisified, and YES, i love my kids thats why I put up with this woman for the last 10 years with a boring love life !!! Besides, I will have the kids on the weekends, I probably will end up spending more time with them as a result

 

 

Word...

 

It is funny how women like to complain that men view sex merely like a "fun thing to do", while in reality sexual dissatisfaction eats away not only at the foundations of the relaitonship, but also a big part of makes us human to begin with. That's why ongoing sexual frustration is a legitimate cause for divorse - eventually there will be just a shell of a relatoinship, and nobody deserves this.

 

But, nooo, once they're married, all of a sudden sex does become "just a fun thing to do", that's "not that important", so if you're not getting it, you'll be fine, just get over it, now let's take the kids to chucky cheese. That's not the attitude of somebody who actually believes that sex is fundamentally important in a relationship, and not to be taken lightly.

[JerseyShortie]

As soon as I saw the user name - before reading one word - I instantly thought "gonna be linkage to porn here"

 

LMAO

 

You are entertaining if nothing else.

 

There is alot of truth in what I say. You can try to belittle it but that doesn't deny the truth in men's sexual expectations when it comes to today in this day and age and all the porn they exposed themselves too.

[brokenheartforever]

When your husband asked you to do these things for him, how did you react? Was it along the lines of thank you but that's not for me or did you make it clear you felt it was degrading and dirty? Whilst your H should not force you to do anything you feel uncomfortable with, did you reject him? Just as you wanted him to show understanding of your needs, you should have shown understanding of his.

 

Also, even if your marriage is over, to not talk to him even when he is dropping the children off is not going to help. For the sake of your children, you need to keep things as amicable as possible (at least in front of them).

 

When you've been with someone for so long and that person suddenly comes with "new ideas" on how to make love, it is difficult not to react strongly to it.

 

And while I agree not talking to him won't help matters, at this point I think it's better for us to remain "professional" rather than friendly.

[brokenheartforever]

Ok, then you are getting a divorce! I hate to be blunt, but I would have divorced you years earlier. Poor guy -- many years of sexual dissatisfaction. I feel for him. As your husband evolved and wanted to try different things, you didn't, so what do you expect?

 

Maybe you should have told him "Honey, I'm sorry I won't do these things. If you want to see another woman for that, then I am OK with it"

 

Then you wouldnt be getting a divorce !

 

But you didnt, so you expect him to stay with you??

 

Very helpful answer. We've been married for so many years that a certain dynamic develops over time. You don't understand a thing about my situation so I would kindly ask that you refrain from posting such mean answers.

 

Thank you.

[brokenheartforever]

But you mentioned a declining sex drive and your attitude kind of comes off like you've thrown in the towel on that and don't care to make the effort to change it. Could it be possible that this has more to do with the over all decline in sex then engaging in anal or swallowing?

 

Men need sex to feel conntected to their partner. And if we are honest with ourselves, we do too.

 

You are very right and I would've wholeheartedly agreed to get professional help on this. However he went ahead and slept with somebody else -- and he leaves me and the kids behind. No therapy is going to ever take that back.

[brokenheartforever]

Setting aside the subject matter for a moment...

 

You don't actually feel like you have stopped evolving at 36 do you? I don't mean just sexually.

 

No but I am old enough to realize I won't suddenly reach the other end of the spectrum. There are things that I like and things that I don't -- and I have no control over that. I can't push myself to enjoy things unless I have to fake it.

[Sunshine11]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Regarding the sexual issues, while I completely understand that there is a huge spectrum of people's comfort levels regarding sexual acts, I applaud you for standing your ground. While many women may enjoy swallowing semen or having anal sex, many don't. And if you engage in sexual activity you are not comfortable with, that is actually an indicator of abuse. "Has he ever forced you to have sex when you didn't want to or in a way you didn't want to?" is a component of a classic domestic violence assessment. With that said, if he really wants you to engage in more daring sexual acts, and you both believe it might save your marriage, you two can discuss going to counseling, and addressing your sex life as one of the issues. If you're not willing to try these things for him, or no longer willing to be married to this man because he betrayed your trust, then that's okay too.

 

Either way, I encourage you to try at least some counseling and/or support groups for yourself. A fifteen-year marriage is extremely heart-wrenching to recover from. I am confident that you will eventually move on and find happiness, but in the meantime, I hope you are able to find outlets for your sadness, anger and frustration.

 

My heart goes out to you

[brokenheartforever]

Thanks Sunshine!!!

 

You know what's really on my mind though? I feel like going to a club and hooking up with a total stranger. I'd do all the things my husband wanted me to do to him. This would be my revenge over this whole mess. I hope I meet someone much larger than my husband.

[soserious1]

Your husband shouldn't have cheated, he should have made his unhappiness with your sex life clearly known to you and let you know it was a deal breaker for him, the cheating was low and hurtful.

 

With all that said, he's actually done you both a favor, sexual incompatability can become a HUGE problem, resulting in years of misery for both partners.