I can no longer discuss relationship issues with my husband...

[Something Blue]

I’m not sure where to start, but I need some input from people outside my relationship.

 

My husband and I have been married for about 4 months, together for a total of a little over 4 years. I am 22 and he is 24.

 

About a year ago, I was involved in an emotional affair with a man I met online. I never met him in person, nor even talked to him on the phone, but regardless, we developed feelings for each other. After much turmoil regarding problems we were having within our relationship and my interest in this other man, I was doubting my relationship with my fiancé. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of telling my fiancé about my doubts and my involvement with this other man. Of course, he was devastated and begged me not to leave.

 

After much soul searching, I decided that my relationship with my fiancé was more important to me, so I cut off all contact with the other man and rededicated myself to our relationship.

 

My problems today stem from all of this, as you might have guessed. It seems as though I can no longer discuss relationship issues with my husband. He seems to get angry if I bring up any issue regarding our relationship that I’m having a problem with. Particularly if it involves intimacy, romance, passion, etc. Mind you, I seldom bring up these types of issues, but if I do, he clams up and refuses to talk.

 

He has done this more than once now, and the other night I finally found out why. We were lying in bed watching television before going to bed and I snuggled up to him. We rarely snuggle, so I just thought it would a nice thing to do at the time. First he says it’s too hot, then that he’s too tired. So after a minute or two, I said fine and rolled over to my own spot. I didn’t really understand what was so physically taxing about snuggling with someone, but I didn’t have the desire to make an issue out of it at the time so I let it rest. After a few minutes, he asks me if I’m mad, and I told him no. He continues to prod further until I finally tell him that I'm not mad, I just don’t understand his reasoning behind not wanting to snuggle. Instead of discussing the issue, he immediately gets pissed off, says some rather mean things, and rolls over to go to sleep. In the end, I go to bed mad not because he didn't want to snuggle, but because he flat out REFUSED to discuss the issue, stating that he would only get more pissed off.

 

We talked about it two days later, and he explained to me that perhaps he overreacts in those types of situations and he would try to work on that. But that the reason he reacted the way he did was because it reminded him of when I was having doubts about our relationship. Because I have stated in the past that I was unhappy at times about the level of our intimacy, and that was all around the time I was contemplating leaving him. So it seems that any discussion of our relationship regarding intimacy, passion, etc. has him worried that I’m doubting everything all over again. I’ve explained to him that no such thing will happen again, but he still doesn’t trust me and thus, doesn’t believe me.

 

So at this point, what do I need to do? I want to be able to discuss our relationship issues with him again sometime in the future without him freaking out, but I’m afraid he’ll never get over his distrust in me because of what I did to him in the past.

 

Do I just need to give him some time to trust me again, or should I take more drastic measures? Like perhaps counseling?

 

It kills me that I’ve hurt him in the past and that now he doesn’t trust me, but I realize that I made my own bed and now I must lie in it. However, I also don’t believe that I should stand passively by and let our marriage derail just to avoid stepping on his toes by continuing to skirt around any and all relationship issues.

 

It seems I’m torn between what to do.

 

All advice is welcome.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Some wounds just never heal, but that doesn't mean you should shut down all communication. As a matter of fact, that might be the worst thing you could do!

 

He's afraid, and as with most people, it can trigger that "fight or flight" instinct. It seems that your husband may be more comfortable with the latter until backed into a corner.

 

The only thing you can do is to keep reassuring him that just because you want to address some issues within your relationship, it doesn't necessarily mean you are getting ready to bail out on him again. Tell him its because you "love" him that you are working so hard to keep your relationship intact.

 

In the same respect, if your husband has made the decision to continue your relationship in spite of the past indiscretion, than it is unfair on his part to continue punishing you for it.

 

A councilor would be an excellent idea, if you can somehow get him there!

[Bird]

Sounds like he needs to do some soul searching of his own. Obviously he feels insecure about your feelings towards him, as you mentioned your to him doubts before getting married. You did nothing wrong by telling him. Many people have doubts, even serious ones, before the wedding day and it is normal, even healthy to discuss them with your partner. But he just needs to start trusting you again. part of that is his responsibility - to make the decision to trust you, and part of it is your responsibility - to reassure him that it's him you want and that you're willing to go the extra mile to show him that. When he gets angry and blows you off it's because he doesn't want to deal with his feelings. I always think counseling is a good idea, though it seems like he'd be reluctant to try. Remind him that in the end you chose to be with him, HIM! for the rest of your life. Maybe you could take the initiative and do some special things for him - things that he likes. Show him that you're willing to do whatever it takes to earn his trust again, and hopefully in time he will feel comfortable about talking to you about your relationship again. But if you can, try concealing. At first, He might open up to someone besides you better - so it might also be a good idea if he goes to a few sessions by himself, too. Maybe he needs to realize why he's still so shell-shocked from that time you told him about your doubts. Realizing where the fear (in this case, the fear of losing you or trusting you again) is coming from is a big step towards conquering it.

 

IMHO, Bird.

[Bird]

BIG TYPO IN MY LAST REPLY!!!

 

But if you can, try concealing.

 

The spellchecker replaced counseling with concealing - never conceal anything!

 

Sorry for that

[?]

been married only four months:

 

does not like to snuggle?

 

does like to communicate?

 

holds a grudge?

 

does not trust you?

 

blames you?

 

you can't talk to him?

 

you two are so young

 

still newlyweds practically.

 

sounds like a wonderful marriage!

[quankanne]

honey, sometimes the only obvious answer is to tie him up nekkid to a chair with an old pair of pantyhose and FORCE him into conversation!

 

sorry, getting silly for a moment. The others were on the spot when they talked about going into counseling to learn how to communicate with each other. My guess is that right now, he's doubting the love you feel for him, so that makes him try to avoid any issues. The key is for him to understand that no matter how bad you want to pinch his fat head, you still love him. And that takes a lot of work to get that point in a relationship.

 

my husband of 11 years will tell you that the best thing we ever did for our marriage was to go on a Marriage Encounter weekend several years ago. Basically, it's a 2.5 day retreat with you and him in a hotel with other couples, learning the tools to communicate. It's pretty exhausting because you focus ONLY on your relationship, but it's worth it because you come away with an appreciation and better understanding why you chose to be married to each other every day. Go to [color=red]www.wwme.org[/color] to learn more.

 

don't get discouraged -- marriage is something two people work at to make good.

[Something Blue]

Thanks for the advice everyone. We've talked about going to counseling so I know he would be willing to go, now it's just a matter of saving up the money to do so. I've also been thinking that I should probably inquire at work whether or not counseling is covered by my insurance. Regardless, I think everyone is right, there's no harm in trying that route.

 

In the meantime, I guess I'll just try harder not to let him skirt around the issue. Now that I know that's why he reacts the way he does, perhaps I should try harder to get him to talk about it as the situation arises, to get him to start to see again that we can talk about relationship issues without it meaning I'm going anywhere. It's not that he doesn't like to communicate at all. It's more like what Bird mentioned in that he doesn't want to confront his feelings regarding that area of our relationship. Perhaps my problem before was that I gave up trying to talk about it too easily because I thought he was just being a jerk. Now that I know the real reason, I'm going to try harder to get him to confront this issue so that hopefully we can get passed it. I know we can, I just don't know how long it will take.

[Something Blue]

Originally posted by ?

been married only four months:

 

does not like to snuggle?

 

does like to communicate?

 

holds a grudge?

 

does not trust you?

 

blames you?

 

you can't talk to him?

 

you two are so young

 

still newlyweds practically.

 

sounds like a wonderful marriage!

 

So what was your advice again? Or was your sarcastic point supposed to be it?