luc Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 Here it is - I have a problem - when there is a problem I have to solve it and I can't stop until it is resolved. Well this is a more serious problem when it happens with my g/f is at work she has been warned about phone calls - and today she got in serious trouble and was official written up for it - I am 34 believe it or not. Well basically when she was talked to today she emailed me and told me that we were over. I so want this woman in my life - and want to know if you people think this is fixable. If so what shall I do She will probably loose her job I am so desperate rigth now I told her I was sorry, I was an idiot, told her about trying to fix things, also said I will walk away because that is what she wants. I also said if she needed anything I am there for her. She said she wants nothing from me becasue it is me that is causing her to lose everything she has. Any thing people please!! Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 Wait, I'm not sure I'm clear on this. She got written up because you were calling her too much at work? Link to post Share on other sites
Author luc Posted September 25, 2003 Author Share Posted September 25, 2003 Yes this is correct Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 How often were you calling her, and why? Don't you have a job that you need to attend to during the day? Link to post Share on other sites
Author luc Posted September 25, 2003 Author Share Posted September 25, 2003 I was also at work I called her I believe it was like 7 times we both work in an office with our own phone - she unfortuantely had a woman tell on her, with too many personal calls Link to post Share on other sites
Author luc Posted September 25, 2003 Author Share Posted September 25, 2003 I kept calling becasue I wanted to try and fix a problem that we were having - for some reason I want to fix stuff and not stop unitl it is fixed She would hang up and then I would call her right back I know it is wrong but why can't I just not do it Link to post Share on other sites
VASH THE STAMPEDE Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 Originally posted by luc I kept calling becasue I wanted to try and fix a problem that we were having - for some reason I want to fix stuff and not stop unitl it is fixed Did she break up with you before the write up or after? was that the reason you kept calling or was it some thing you felt was very important that you felt it would risk you losing her in the first place? about her job, is this her first write up? im not sure how different jobs handle write ups but its usaly 3 and then you get the boot. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 I kept calling becasue I wanted to try and fix a problem that we were having - for some reason I want to fix stuff and not stop unitl it is fixed She would hang up and then I would call her right back I know it is wrong but why can't I just not do it This could be compulsive or controlling behaviour. I suggest you talk to your Employee Assistance people. She should certainly not get fired because you called her, either. Perhaps they can help you put it right with her workplace. Definitely talk to a counsellor and do so quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luc Posted September 25, 2003 Author Share Posted September 25, 2003 She ended after she was written up, she received a verbal warning then yesterday she received a written warning. She is on contract and the contract ends December - there is 4 of tehm and 3 of them will be let go. She says she is now one of them I was calling her becasue her ex boyfriend is having serious life problems and she is helpong him because she is a nice person and she thinks I have a problem with this and I don't, not at all , I just ask alot of questions . I know I am male and want to problem solve, but how do I not problem solve?? I have been seeing a therapist for awhile and he has been helping me alot with controlling behaviour, but this never even came up about phone, I have an appointment with him tommorow. Does anyone have any ideas what I can say to my love or anythign I Can do to make thigns better. Or did I pretty much screw it up for ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luc Posted September 25, 2003 Author Share Posted September 25, 2003 I know this is a long shot but I hope you are feeling a little better today. I wish I could take all your pain away and give it to me. I just got off the phone with counsellor and I have an appointment tomorrow. I am terribly sorry I hurt you, I just wish I knew what the right time and place is for everything. I wish I was not such a problem solver - just like it says in the book Men are form Mars Women from Venus. Why do I have to try and fix everything right away. Why can't I wait. Why can't I just do it right. What is wrong with me XXXXXXX. Why can I not do anything right. Why do I do such stupid stuff. Why do I do these things when I am so proud of who you are, what you do, what you have accomplished and where you are in your life and I put that all in jeopardy. Why do I do these things when I love you so much. I do XXXXX I love you more than you can imagine. I really don't want to do this, but XXXXX my love I will walk away from you, because that is what you need. It hurts me to see you go and see us end, but that is what you want. I hate myself for this. Love always your messed up man P.S. Sorry for emailing you Babe, you are my life, you are the most important thing to me( more than ANYTHING else I have ever had any part of), and this hurts so bad to see you go, but I completely understand. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 Congratulations on getting help for your controlling behaviour. I suspect that this was not the only instance of you being controlling since you're already seeking therapy and, unfortunately, controlling people are not desirable partners. It is great that you are working on this issue; if you manage to control yourself and stop yourself trying to control others, you will have much better luck in relationships. You talk about being a 'problem solver' but it's more than that. Most problem solvers don't feel compelled to solve others' problems the way you do. You don't mention what sort of therapist you're working with. If you have not had a full screening for psychological conditions, it might be worth doing so. Sometimes these issues can be a matter of impulse control and there are very good meds to assist people in controlling impulses. You may have to accept that your issues tanked your relationship. Make those issues your enemy and make it your goal to overcome them. With work and willingness, you can do it and go on to successful relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 Did you send the email to her at her place of employment? !! It doesn't sound like you should be in a relationship until you take control over your life and your decisions and your actions. Had she told you before not to call her at work? If so, and you continued to call her at work then you were totally disrespecting her and acting very selfish and childish. I'm glad you are in counseling and hope that will help you. Try the old trick of counting to 10 before taking an action. Make yourself stop and think about the ramifications of your actions before you take them. Stop telling yourself that you have to solve everything right away, you are only reinforcing that to yourself. A good exercise for compulsive behavior is to play chess. Do you play chess? If you learn how you may be able to find chess clubs in your area with people who will play at your level. The thing about chess is that you MUST think ahead several steps before taking an action, and you MUST keep contact with the piece you move until you are sure that it is where you want it to be. Chess teaches paitence and reasoning. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 Congratulations on getting help for your controlling behaviour. I suspect that this was not the only instance of you being controlling since you're already seeking therapy and, unfortunately, controlling people are not desirable partners. It is great that you are working on this issue; if you manage to control yourself and stop yourself trying to control others, you will have much better luck in relationships. You talk about being a 'problem solver' but it's more than that. Most problem solvers don't feel compelled to solve others' problems the way you do. You said you called even though you didn't want to. This means you didn't successfully inhibit your impulse to call. You don't mention what sort of therapist you're working with but if you have not had a full screening for psychological conditions, it might be worth doing so. There are very good meds to assist people in controlling impulses. You may have to accept that your issues tanked your relationship. Make those issues your enemy and make it your goal to overcome them. With work and willingness, you can do it and go on to successful relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luc Posted September 25, 2003 Author Share Posted September 25, 2003 Thank-you very much for the posts I really appereciate it Our 6 year relationship did end back in April becasue of my controlling behaviour and through counselling it improved dramtically, I never thought of phone calling as a controlling behaviour. We got back together becasue things had changed alot and have been back together for about 3 months. And now I have nothing I have risked everythign she has become, Why do I have to try and fix stuff at once and immediately, even when we have a disagreement I will sit and try and talk where she just wants to let it go. I have been doing the counting and walking away when I am vey upset and not calm, but when I am tyring to fix things I am not in a bad mood or angry mood I am actually calm becasue i see a very simple fix and I just try and communicate that with her I am such an idiot Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 I am such an idiot No, you're a man! Sorry--couldn't resist the little jibe -- Its meant as a touch of humor You are taking positive steps for your own health, keep that in your mind and someday you will be able to look back at this and see the positive things that you learned without all the raw pain of losing this gf. Like Moimeme said - if you have not had a full screening for psychological conditions, it might be worth doing so. There are very good meds to assist people in controlling impulses. This is good advice! Link to post Share on other sites
Author luc Posted September 25, 2003 Author Share Posted September 25, 2003 So you feel that there is no way I can keep this woman in my life? It is totally lost? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 No one can answer that. You need to stop making this about HER and make it about YOU. The only constant thing in all of your relationships is YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luc Posted September 25, 2003 Author Share Posted September 25, 2003 What do you think about sending her flowers to her work telling her I am sorry and hoping this is not the end? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 Definitely not. You will add to her problems. Make a vow to yourself that you will absolutely not contact her at work and ask your therapist to help you keep it. am such an idiot No, you are not. Self-control is not necessarily a matter of will. There are brain chemicals necessary to the process of inhibiting action and if yours are out of whack, you may need medical intervention to assist you in learning to control your impulses. This urge you have to do these things needs to be 'turned down' and you need help with that. Right now, you are focusing on this relationship. Make your control issues the subject of your focus. Fight hard to beat them because they will wreck your jobs and your love life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luc Posted September 25, 2003 Author Share Posted September 25, 2003 I did send her an email and ask her if she would like to come to my appointment with my counsellor tomorrow. Do you think that was a good idea? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 Did the invitation come from you or your counselor? Stop emailing her at work. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 Maybe, if you emailed her at home. DO NOT contact her at work at all for any reason. Think very hard of an image of yourself and her and see you contacting her at work as you hurting her, because that is what you are doing. It could be very useful for your doc to talk to her; some people with issues like yours are not good at understanding their effects on others. A real good doctor will talk to a family member or close contact to get an 'outside' persepctive of your behaviour. But you have asked her once. Don't email her or call her any more today. It is going to be extremely hard for you but think of something else you could do instead and then try to switch to that thing instead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luc Posted September 25, 2003 Author Share Posted September 25, 2003 Okay no more contact from me today You know what I do - I come to work and I say to myself don't call or email her today and only communicate with her if she contacts you This works great for a couple days then all of a sudden I get a sudden urge to just call and say hi so I do, or tell her I am thinking of her and then it snow balls. OKno more today I promise, I will wait for her response and if she does not respond then I will go by myself or I will try he at home tongiht Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 Good luck, Luc. I'm rooting for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author luc Posted September 25, 2003 Author Share Posted September 25, 2003 She just responded and said "I am not missing work. My job is already ruined because of you " becasue the appointment was during work hours - so I responded and said I can try and get an appointmetn for after work or I can got to this one by myself and tehn we can go together when I schedule the next appointmetn So waiting for taht response. Link to post Share on other sites
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