smookie Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 I have been with the same guy for over 6 years. For the past 2 years it has gotten bad, He shows no interest in a relationship and thinks that the only way to show interest is sexual. We fight more now then ever because of this and I am tired, I feel used and I feel not apprciated at all. I have been very happy sleeping on the couch because it upsets me to think that he can not understand or more then that does not want to understand.I mean we do not even go out together. He says he never has money to go out. I never get surprizes unless I ask for one, He does not even help around the house at all, he painted my kitchen and livingroom (because I told him that he does nothing here and goes with his friends to help them all the time when they call him)I am not young 38, he is 32. And I have found that I am not happy and I feel like I am going into deppression because of the way that I am treated. (will not mention deppression to him , he will say go to the doctors and get some pills) He does not do drug and drinks a little and he does work hard at his job. Yesterday I told him straight out what I felt. I was not kind in my words and was very blunt with him so that there was not room for misunderstanding with sugar coating it. I also asked him " if he could say what he does besides sexual for this relationship"? he said Nothing! then he tried to kiss me. I am beside myself because he said that I have to teach him how to be in a relationship. This is fight with because he use to treat me good, He bought me flowers, we always went out together, he helped me out around my house without me asking him, Now there is nothing at all. I am going to be showing him this with all the replys. I am looking for other peoples input on how these kindof actions would make them feel and what there reactions would be. He thinks that I am over doing this by being so upset. I do things, cook his dinner, try and keep this house tidy as I can, Buy things that I know he would enjoy. (just so that you are aware that I do try). Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Your situation strikes me as something that's not unusual in many male/female interactions. Men woo during the chase. As soon as they've "gotten", then different degrees of relationship laziness strikes. Full on assumption that the woman will take 100% responsibility for the state of the relationship. Of course if you tell them what your needs are, you're only a nagging female. If you don't want to spend your life mothering someone who's relationship lazy and unappreciative, get back out there and find yourself someone who has compatible attitudes to what you want in a relationship. Relationships don't need to be all about work. The good ones just flow naturally with minimum work, because you're not the one carrying the full load. Link to post Share on other sites
smookie Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 I went out for Lunch yesterday with a ex co-worker and he said the same thing, it is time to cut the string on this one. It is hard to cut the string though, I think more because of me knowing what he "could be and was" but thats all changed now. Now he is lazy and your right I am carrying the full load. Link to post Share on other sites
eclipseIDE Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 . Men woo during the chase. As soon as they've "gotten", then different degrees of relationship laziness strikes. Full on assumption that the woman will take 100% responsibility for the state of the relationship. Of course if you tell them what your needs are, you're only a nagging female. Please explain, I love how women always expect the man to constantly woo them. Isnt treating them good enough? What does the woman bring the table? What do women do to reciporcate? Also what do you mean women will take 100% responsibility for the state of the relationship? Yes if it werent for women who sacrifice themselves for the relationship what would we poort men do? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Please explain, I love how women always expect the man to constantly woo them. Isnt treating them good enough? What does the woman bring the table? What do women do to reciporcate?Why woo? Why not just be yourselves? If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. Expectation management. Also what do you mean women will take 100% responsibility for the state of the relationship? Yes if it werent for women who sacrifice themselves for the relationship what would we poort men do? Did you read the OPs post about his expectations of her? Take it in context, instead of getting butt-hurt first. Link to post Share on other sites
smookie Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Ok, Well about your wooing theme, Ya right, sorry that struck a cord in me. Kinnda worng due to the fact I have to explain more I guess. Here I go. I do property managment so that I do nto have to pay rent. He is not willing to help me in this at all but lives in this place. ( I am on call 24/7) for this family. not him. but he gets the benefits of my job. I ask him to give me 300.00 a month for things like food and bills/power cable phone internet. I work at a hotel as managment 6 days a week. I am beyond tired. there is no wooing in my life and to tell you the truth I wish that there was a bit due to the fact that I give give give and feel that I get nothingin return. unless you mean that wooing is clean the bedroom because the bed is coming in there today. Sorry I am feeling harsh about this. People who work there butts off for others should get something in return. I do love the old him I do care about him ( not just the old him). But really when should the lines be drawn When is it time to say stop? ( I know to all that I amswerd my own post however the purpose of this is to show all reactions) thank you for yours cuz now I can say woo me baby! and look at his blank face Link to post Share on other sites
smookie Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Ok, Well about your wooing theme, Ya right, sorry that struck a cord in me. Kinnda worng due to the fact I have to explain more I guess. Here I go. I do property managment so that I do nto have to pay rent. He is not willing to help me in this at all but lives in this place. ( I am on call 24/7) for this family. not him. but he gets the benefits of my job. I ask him to give me 300.00 a month for things like food and bills/power cable phone internet. I work at a hotel as managment 6 days a week. I am beyond tired. there is no wooing in my life and to tell you the truth I wish that there was a bit due to the fact that I give give give and feel that I get nothingin return. unless you mean that wooing is clean the bedroom because the bed is coming in there today. Sorry I am feeling harsh about this. People who work there butts off for others should get something in return. I do love the old him I do care about him ( not just the old him). But really when should the lines be drawn When is it time to say stop? ( I know to all that I amswerd my own post however the purpose of this is to show all reactions) thank you for yours cuz now I can say woo me baby! and look at his blank face Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Here's an analogy for guys to understand: Imagine your cable company putting together a package of 1000 channels, of which there's 50 sports networks. You enthusiastically agree to this and sign up for the service. After the first little while, they take away the 50 sports networks, not saying a word, the channels just start disappearing. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 I am beside myself because he said that I have to teach him how to be in a relationship. This is fight with because he use to treat me good, He bought me flowers, we always went out together, he helped me out around my house without me asking him, Now there is nothing at all. He says you have to teach him what to do?!! Kind of funny that he says he doesn't know how when he used to do it. Don't let him get away with that. Tell him he knows he isn't doing the things he used to and that he stops being lazy or he's fired. Relationships take WORK. Yes work - that four letter word. And if he isn't doing the work he gets fired and replaced just like at his job. You think if he just showed up there and did nothing that'd be enough?!! No way. You just haven't addressed it as you should have initially. Verbal warning, more serious warning, then fired and replaced. You are giving him verbal after verbal with no repercussions. Why should he be different? Link to post Share on other sites
smookie Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Oh I so understand what you are saying and I know what you mean there! i feel the same way. Thats the point I am trying to get through to him. I am done. I feel like a fool, I feel like I should have kept him "fired". Thats why I feel so bad, this is his argument with me " well you wanted me back" I did but he is worse now then ever. Tell him that and he laughs. he told his cousin that's just the way that he is too bad for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Time to walk and never look back. This guy isn't someone worth holding onto. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Thats why I feel so bad, this is his argument with me " well you wanted me back" I did but he is worse now then ever. Tell him that and he laughs. he told his cousin that's just the way that he is too bad for me. Okay -- he just needs to get gone and it can't happen fat enough. Why hasn't his stuff been packed and put out? Like NOW.? It strikes me that you got back together without him having to work very hard at getting you back. Talk is cheap. You should have made him show you the changes in action before he ever got a go ahead on the second chance from you. He isn't bringing anything to the table. Kick him out and be done because what will you really be missing? This frustration and anger -- oo yeah -- like you'll miss that. Like you said he brings sex to the table. Well, we have devices that will replace him for that and if you need a warm body there is no shortage of them out there. Women can replace a man SO easily. Especially a jerk. Go to your local bar and I bet you'll find 3 or 4 jerks in there who can fill this losers shoes. Now the great guys, they are harder to find. But the guy in your bed is a sure way to NEVER find one of them! And what is up with THAT?!! He gets the bed and you get the sofa in YOUR HOUSE. Um yeah. Get him the hell out of your house and be done with this jackass. Link to post Share on other sites
smookie Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Without reading anything that was posted after my last post, I told himto leave, I explained that i can ont do it anymore, I was even nice ( I know do not hate me) I would give him time to save money to get out. Then he said like crap I would want to stay when you are bring guys here, I said fine your rent is paid until the end of the month so then at the end of the month is when I expect you to leave. This all happened after I tried to talk to him about him not being there for me ( more then sex and trust me I do not give him that "couch")... he basically said too bad for me! I know I will hurt only because he will not be here but once I get over that feeling ( NC FORSURE) I will be more then happy, I will get moving on right away. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Good that you are pulling the plug on that. He sounds like a selfish prick and I would like to think you deserve more than that. It's a shame there are guys out there like that but we're not all selfish so hopefully you find a good one if you decide to get back into another relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Sounds like he tried to call your bluff. Its nice that his reaction isnt to say, oh crap what did I do, but rather to say 'take it or leave it' with such disregard for anything hes done. Total jerk, I promise you that most men are NOT that way, you just ran into one of the worlds MANY selfish people. Good for you, kick him to the curb. The fact that his only concern was you sleeping with someone else, and not missing/loving you, should speak volumes about his agenda. Link to post Share on other sites
nature Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Sounds like he tried to call your bluff. Its nice that his reaction isnt to say, oh crap what did I do, but rather to say 'take it or leave it' with such disregard for anything hes done. Sounds exactly like my ex. My ex was wonderful to me the first few yrs. We had a mutually respectful relationship. Then, out of the woodwork, suddenly a lot of his old friends started getting seperated, divorced, etc. Suddenly I was put on the back burner, and he would use excuse after excuse when he'd treat me like **** or blow me off for his buddies 4 and 5 nights a wk. We fought. I was livid. We were engaged. He had attitude. So he threw in the towel on me. Then wrote me letters how he thinks he tried really hard to be a good boyfriend/fiance, and if i'd only been more patient and given him to figure out how to be in a relationship. This is coming from a now 39 yr old man who seemed to know how to be in a relationship the first few yrs we dated. Saying he still feels very close to me and feels we will be together again in a year or two, and that we are meant to be together at some point. It makes me angry even writing about what he tried to pull on me. As tho I am so worthless. F*cker. Now what is he doing? Off running around all over Mexico for months with his buddies, partying and living like they are 19 yrs old. And this is what I was supposed to be patient for. In otherwords, be a freaking loser, doormat. So he could toss me a few crumbs once in awhile, and I'd just gobble them up! Oh yeah, I'll just be waiting here for you when you come back in a few yrs f*cker. Meanwhile, you just go have your fun, fun, fun and cling to your youth. Total jerk, I promise you that most men are NOT that way, you just ran into one of the worlds MANY selfish people. Thank you for saying this. And thank you for reminding me. Because at times lately, I've felt so hurt that I've almost thought i was crazy. It's amazing someone can hurt you so bad, and manipulate their words and the situation so good, that they make you feel like you're the bad guy for not putting up with their sh*t. Link to post Share on other sites
smookie Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 I do not desire sex with him like stated before. He pulled out the porn just to try and piss me off and get a reaction... LOL !!! ( i do not disagree on porn even in relationships, he was unaware of this and I was unaware of the porn video in my house) to his surprize I gave him the reaction that he was not expecting. Words exactly was this. Ok I understand that I hate having sex with you so please make sure to close the bedroom door because I know that your not getting any from me plus I would also like to state to you that means you have found your way to get what you want when I do not jump to you I have thought about it and decided that I am going to go out and get what I want and need, A DATE! Then I made a phone call and went out for a nice evening. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Just get away from this guy. The sooner, the better. You've only got five more days before the end of the month. Give him no excuses to stay and make sure his bags are packed and on the porch. If at all possible make sure you have several hulking male relatives with you, when it comes time to kick him to the curb. Also, change your locks! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
smookie Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Everything is packed already and I am not letting him unpack anything. I called the company already to have them here to change the locks at noon time on January 31 2009. I have told tenants in the building already what is happening and they are (for the most part) going to be around the front / back door to get the keys after everything is moved out. I have a furniture company holding some livingroom furniture for me and brother in law is going to get it on his way home from work ( family lives in the building as well ). Things are set up, the sudden plan of telling him to leave took a few days to make sure that was not going to feel like a bad person for doing this (without furniture with kids). I am smiling right now and feeling very happy.. Going back out on Sunday for another date. Thanks for everyone replying to the post, it has helped me more then I expected it to! Your all very honest wonderful people !! Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 I am so happy you took charge and you already feel the heavy weight off of your shoulders. Congratulations on lining everything up and having a great plan of attack. Swiftly and safely. Great plan for sure! Good luck on your date! I am glad you are out there seeing what possibilities are for your life. They are endless and completely up to you. :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
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