obsessed with the past, low self-esteem, questioning, snooping

[redshoesgirl]

Ok, so rather than list ALL the things I have been doing for the last six months let me just say that I am being well out of order - snooping through things from my bf's school days, can't stop asking 'have you been here before' to things we either might do or things we are doing, i'm always wondering if things in our house were bought at significant times and if they have special meanings, i question him relentlessly about stuff, snoop through stuff from his past (but never stuff from the present, never his phone or emails or anything), i can't go a day without thinking about his ex girlfriends...it's driving me mad. My bf by the way does nothing wrong at all, i know his past inside out (apart from the minute details which i keep asking him about all of a sudden), he's a saint. I wasn't always like this, I just can't seem to keep it together. I have all these polluting thoughts and his ex's are always in my head. The worst thing is going to places and having this nagging desire to ask 'have you been here before'...aaargh, it's totally disabling.

 

Has anyone got any clues how to shift this rubbish mindset i have slipped into...I just can't get out of it. I have ocd and am going for an assessment and therapy next week, it's just that i am not a mental nutjob so why am i acting like one and having to go through all this? Is it really something I can fix myself? Is it as simple as just taking responsibility of my thoughts?

It's like if we do something together, like see a show, I will want to know if he's been before cause if he has and I don't know about it, it's like he's in on something with the world and the world is conning me...does that even make sense?

[Ronni_W]

I have ocd and am going for an assessment and therapy next week, it's just that i am not a mental nutjob

With the help of your therapist, you likely WILL be able to greatly improve and perhaps even eliminate this particular expression of the OCD, yes. Your desire level to do so appears to be extremely high, and that is very important to being able to get a good grip on it.

 

And you're right, suffering from OCD does not make you a "mental nut job".

 

In conjunction with your therapy, you may want also to check out a tool that has been effective as a complementary therapy. It is self-learned and self-administered. Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), at emofree.com -- the free manual is massive, but the actual technique is within the first 30 or so pages.

 

Wishing you highly successful outcomes with your therapy.

[redshoesgirl]

Thank you Ronni. I have no idea where all this has sprung from so suddenly. I know why I have these issues, but it's always been dormant, and has never manifested itself so aggressively within me. I love my boyfriend to bits and everything I am doing at the moment is just making him think we don't belong together. Something else that has become a problem because of the way I am acting right now is that I get extremely insecure and jealous about aspects of his work. He is a performer and currently part of the show he is working on right now involves him getting a kiss on the lips from a girl from the audience...it is just driving my ego crazy. It's totally infuriating that I am behaving like a teenager, getting jealous about a thing I have never been jealous about before. I have been with him for years and he has always done the job he does, so why am I now getting all ruffled about it?

 

Thank you for the EFT link. I will go and check it out now. I have also been looking at the steve pavlina emotional mastery site as well as working on a CBT technique for my ocd.

[sw1911ct]

I'd say the strongest things you have going for you are:

 

You haven't caught him doing anything so he's probably a decent guy

 

You recognize that what you're doing is irrational

 

You want to stop.

 

Just begin taking the steps before he gets fed up with it and you lose a decent guy.

[eDave]

Hi Red.

 

Sorry you are going through this. I went through it too but from the other side. I saw how my ex just could no be happy. I am no Saint but I am certainly a good person. Sometimes to my detriment. I am interested in knowing if you have been hurt badly before that might be giving you trust issues going forward. Like since one guy did it, all must do it. That is what I suffered from, accompanied by me making a mistake early on in our relationship that she then obsessed over too much. It did indeed lead to her (and I) not having a healthy life and is the root of our failure.

[bunk2406]

eDave...so i'm pretty much in the situation you are...but im the girl sadly enough...could u give me more of YOUR ensight...and what mistake is considered big enough not to let go...

[Ronni_W]

...but I am certainly a good person. Sometimes to my detriment.

Hey Dave.

Are you SURE someone can be "good to own detriment"...or is it more the mistake of trying to please others (and/or not rock the boat) without also considering one's own needs, wants and preferences? EDIT: I mean, isn't the detrimental behaviour not taking one's self into account? (Which is separate and apart from acting in good/nice ways for benefit of others, IMO.)

 

Bunk, deal-breakers and "unforgivable" mistakes are, IMO, very personal -- what Dave's ex perceived as so traumatic that she couldn't let it go, might feel like a mere blip to others. It's more about the OTHER person's perceptions and filters, coping strategies, emotional intelligence, etc., than the actual behaviour that is being obsessed about and judged as "unforgivable." (If that makes sense?)

[LovieDove24]

Congrats on going to therapy! You have a chance at saving your relationship before it gets worse by doing so. They'll help you discover your triggers and find ways to distract yourself when bad thoughts arise.

 

I have to say that this sounds like a control issue. You want to know everything about all of his exes so you can "control" his past and make it digestable for your own purpose.