Success Story

[husbndinthemaking]

I always find myself stopping back to this forum to check in on everyone and keep myself fresh.

However, it seems everyone here has horror stories to share. I was once in the same situation, but everything is now going great. I couldn't ask for a better life at this time. Granted, I had to work and it without her support for a few months, but now she is happy and so am I.

 

Anyone else have succes they can share? I want to cross all my t's and dot my i's.

 

btw - Our 7 year anniversary is on Feb 1st and I am taking her away for the weekend. Hehe. Can't wait!

[Mountains10]

I always find myself stopping back to this forum to check in on everyone and keep myself fresh.

However, it seems everyone here has horror stories to share. I was once in the same situation, but everything is now going great. I couldn't ask for a better life at this time. Granted, I had to work and it without her support for a few months, but now she is happy and so am I.

 

Anyone else have succes they can share? I want to cross all my t's and dot my i's.

 

btw - Our 7 year anniversary is on Feb 1st and I am taking her away for the weekend. Hehe. Can't wait!

 

Hi husbandinthemaking,

 

Can you share with us a little about how you made it to where you are now? I would like to know more about it. I'm glad to hear you are a success story. I'm glad to hear that things worked out for you, that is very good.

 

Thank you,

M10

[dead-dyke]

There has to be a want at some level from the other person, in order to have a success story. Zaxxes will only save your marriage if the other half still has feelings for you. Nobody can change their minds but themselves.

[husbndinthemaking]

Hi husbandinthemaking,

 

Can you share with us a little about how you made it to where you are now? I would like to know more about it. I'm glad to hear you are a success story. I'm glad to hear that things worked out for you, that is very good.

 

Thank you,

M10

 

I'll try and recall everything that was said and done.

 

In a shell, I was being distant and short with her. I had forgotten that she was my wife and I was non-existant in our relationship. I had forgotten I was married.

 

Anyway, she started seeing another guy. He was basicly saying things that she needed to hear and I was not.

 

I started to listen to her and I put her first in my life. I started caring about her opinions more and she started caring about mine.

 

Think about it this way... you have nothing to lose. Cause she is going to leave if she wants to weither you want her to or not. So, DONT FIGHT HER! The only thing you can do is change her opinion about you. How? It is a long topic for another time. Zaxxes.com gave me the path to follow.

 

The main thing is this... If you start giving somebody something they want, they will be happy with you. I started learning what she wanted, giving her love and attention that she was craving for so long.

 

Now, the OM is out of the picture and we 100% happy from what I can tell. She is happy and smiles alot around the house now. Much better than before were she avoided me.

 

I just followed a simple plan and stuck to it.

[husbndinthemaking]

There has to be a want at some level from the other person, in order to have a success story. Zaxxes will only save your marriage if the other half still has feelings for you. Nobody can change their minds but themselves.

 

Nope. Zaxxes worked for me and my wife was not there emotionally at all. I had to practically beg for sex. It was like pity sex. It sucked real bad.

 

Zaxxes tells you to just follow a formula and work at improving yourself. You are right when you says you can't tell someone to change their feelings, but you can however do things that will.

[lt72]

Can anyone post the ebook link from Zaxxes on this thread?

[Gunny376]

There is NO panacea (ONE CURE FOR ALL ALILLMENTS) book for marriage there is only self education and self-awarness.

 

HusbandInTheMaking is exactly that! A husband in the making. Granted Kennedy worked for him and his marriage, ~ for now. But Kennedy is just the beginning.

 

A product description of "The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature" by Matt Ridley on Amazon:

 

Referring to Lewis Carroll's Red Queen from Through the Looking-Glass, a character who has to keep running to stay in the same place, Matt Ridley demonstrates why sex is humanity's best strategy for outwitting its constantly mutating internal predators. The Red Queen answers dozens of other riddles of human nature and culture -- including why men propose marriage, the method behind our maddening notions of beauty, and the disquieting fact that a woman is more likely to conceive a child by an adulterous lover than by her husband. Brilliantly written, The Red Queen offers an extraordinary new way of interpreting the human condition and how it has evolved.

 

The book goes on to point out that only 10% of a man's sperm is fertile, and that the rest is to block the sperm of another man. How 10% of women have children by other men, but blind their SO's/Husbands into believing they are his?

 

Factoring out religion, morality, & ethics out out of the equation? We're all just a bunch of super-intellegent "shaved" apes!

 

If your basing your hopes of saving your marriage on just one book? Your screwed ~ its a lot harder than that ~ and to save your marriage your going to have to do it the old fashion way ~ WORK FOR IT! SLAVE FOR IT!

 

For every one finger you point at someone else? You've got at least three pointing back at yourself!

 

I would suggest "Me! Five Years From Now!"

 

Its not a book you so much read, as your write. Its asks a lot of questions, to which you fill in the answers.

[Nomad1]

I am sorry to say this Husband in the Making! What you perceive as your success, is really your wife's success and your failure! She has succeded in A) demoting you to the backburner for a while while she was spreading her legs for another man! B) She decides to promote you to the frontburner, for now. She knows she can do it again, anytime she likes, and of course you will always be around, even more eager to have her back! Lucky a puppy dog you are panting and salivating now that wifey is giving you the impression she is back for good! And then you have a bunch of lost souls who start asking you 'how did you do it man? What was your secret? A sad bunch of emasculated men, whose balls have diminished in size since thir wives went foraging elsewhere! Man up the lot of you! Listen to Gunny, Lakeside and other hardened veterans!

 

You will be back on here buddy! When she gets an itch again that she wants someone else to scratch for her. But hey, you are probably happy with that though! each to their own!

 

I am sorry, but my philosophy on LS is to help people wake up, grow their balls back, move forward, never look back!

 

Good luck man!

 

Nomad1

[Gunny376]

In peace time training, civilan training the DOD (Dept of Defense) says you need this and that to go through and survive combat.

 

It ends up being a 70 pound pack.

 

I use to go through my platoon saying, you need this and you don't need that! (Three pair of good clean pair socks are much more important than anything else! Even if you don't smoke! Save the ceyelphone wrappeers from cigartte packs! (For sucking lung wounds!)

 

(Back in my day? C-rats came with cigarettes)

[husbndinthemaking]

I am sorry to say this Husband in the Making! What you perceive as your success, is really your wife's success and your failure! She has succeded in A) demoting you to the backburner for a while while she was spreading her legs for another man! B) She decides to promote you to the frontburner, for now. She knows she can do it again, anytime she likes, and of course you will always be around, even more eager to have her back! Lucky a puppy dog you are panting and salivating now that wifey is giving you the impression she is back for good! And then you have a bunch of lost souls who start asking you 'how did you do it man? What was your secret? A sad bunch of emasculated men, whose balls have diminished in size since thir wives went foraging elsewhere! Man up the lot of you! Listen to Gunny, Lakeside and other hardened veterans!

 

You will be back on here buddy! When she gets an itch again that she wants someone else to scratch for her. But hey, you are probably happy with that though! each to their own!

 

I am sorry, but my philosophy on LS is to help people wake up, grow their balls back, move forward, never look back!

 

Good luck man!

 

Nomad1

 

Let's check this out for a second...

 

Am I happy? Yes... Is she happy right now? Yes...

 

So, after a bit of time, I trust her again. Yes. I am truly trusting her again. She knows that if she ever cheated again I would leave her without question.

 

So, we are both happy. Tears have been shed and words have been said. I buried my pride and CHOSE to stay with her. This is MY decision.

 

The beauty of having a life and living in a free country and is being able to make my own decisions. And that is what I have done. And NO ONE can come along and tell me to "leave her!" or "grow a set of balls!" because I am happy right now. I refuse to wallow in self pity and be angry over somehting that I had a hand in also. I am sticking to my guns.

 

Now... any other success stories to share?

[peteyj]

I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out, but I wouldn't call this a success story yet until years down the line and she doesn't wind up doing the same thing again. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes, but when somebody cheats and then has an affair while married, it's more than just a mistake. It's disrespectful. It's dishonest. It's really a spit in your face. If somebody wants out, then they get out. When somebody has an affair, there is far more to it than somebody getting drunk, being angry, and having a one night stand.

 

As another poster said, at this point your wife knows she has the power. You seem to take more of the blame on yourself than on what she did.... I wish you the best of luck but I wouldn't really call this a success story at this point in time. What happens if you get busy with work or other things and she starts to think you're distant again? Or are you going to walk on egg shells for her for the rest of your life?

[Nomad1]

Hello Husbandinthemaking - My earlier post was intended to inject a bit of realism in the situation. Your wife had an affair because she had no respect for you.She chose to engage in a futile sexual encounter and didn't care less about jeopardizing her marriage to you. This means that she does not value you that much. She was attracted to another man because when the opportunity presented itself for her to be with somebody she deemed to be better than you, she took it. How do you know that the reason she came back to you is because the OM was no longer interested. At the very least, you should have made her wait for months. She should work hard to show her commitment. You let her right back in! You will be reminded of her affair constantly. It will always be there. When she is out, you will be wondering what she is up to. Affairs don't just go away. It will stay with you for a long time. That is why your relationship will continue to be in trouble. Most men will not take back a cheating wife! Not if she was the last woman on earth. It is always better to start with someone new under these circumstances! JMO

 

Nomad1

[husbndinthemaking]

I choose not to wallow in self pity and fix my marriage. To me, that is a success story. While you decide to stay hurt because your pride was bruised, I choose to deal with it and learn from it. I have a 2 year old daughter that needs both of her parents.

 

If you choose to hate your soon-to-be ex's. So be it. That is your decision and you are entitled to it. But please don't spray your venom my way. I do not believe that once a cheater always a cheater. That I know for sure. So all I am doing is giving my marriage a second chance.

 

I can tell by some of these posts that you are hurt by what happened to you. Understandable. Sure. But the sooner you get through the pain, the quicker you can start the healing process.

[gaynor]

My husband had a 3 month affair with a friend of mine. He stopped the affair straight away after I found out, we have been very open and talked EVERTHING through. He can't do enough. 18 months later, a day doesn't go by without me thinking of what she did and I have so many arguements with her in my mind (she is no longer in the country) I wish I could go a day without thinking about it. My husband and I are getting on well, even though we do row more than ever. We have been married for 16 years.

[peteyj]

It's not about anger or venom it's about reality. It's one thing to work things out down the line, but just to forgive and forget without really working anything out isn't a success. It's just you bowing down before her and refusing to accept the truth.

 

People don't leave and have affairs if everything is good. People don't just leave and have affairs if everything is right in their own worlds. She didn't just cheat, she left you for another guy. Maybe it won't happen again, maybe it will, who knows. At this point the only change you made is to walk on egg shells for her. Hey good for you and I wish you the best, but the last relationship I'd want to be in is one where I have to do everything she asks me to do and she doesn't give a crap about anything I want. Which is what seems to be going on in your relationship. You don't blame her for the affair. You blame yourself. You haven't really accepted that she left you or had an affair. The only thing you seem to accept is that you weren't around enough, weren't nice enough, and that's why she did what she did. Sorry to tell you this but it's never that simple.

 

So unless you do become a doormat and do everything she asks and wants for the rest of your life, she's just going to use the same stupid crap in the future. How the hell is it that she's the one who cheated and you are the one who came begging to her to come back ?

[husbndinthemaking]

It's not about anger or venom it's about reality. It's one thing to work things out down the line, but just to forgive and forget without really working anything out isn't a success. It's just you bowing down before her and refusing to accept the truth.

 

People don't leave and have affairs if everything is good. People don't just leave and have affairs if everything is right in their own worlds. She didn't just cheat, she left you for another guy. Maybe it won't happen again, maybe it will, who knows. At this point the only change you made is to walk on egg shells for her. Hey good for you and I wish you the best, but the last relationship I'd want to be in is one where I have to do everything she asks me to do and she doesn't give a crap about anything I want. Which is what seems to be going on in your relationship. You don't blame her for the affair. You blame yourself. You haven't really accepted that she left you or had an affair. The only thing you seem to accept is that you weren't around enough, weren't nice enough, and that's why she did what she did. Sorry to tell you this but it's never that simple.

 

So unless you do become a doormat and do everything she asks and wants for the rest of your life, she's just going to use the same stupid crap in the future. How the hell is it that she's the one who cheated and you are the one who came begging to her to come back ?

 

Listen... My wife was not getting attention from me. I just cared about myself and what I wanted. Last I checked, marriage is about compromise and being there for your spouse. Well, I was not there for her emotionally and it was always my way or the highway.

 

Can I blame her for cheating? Nope. Not one bit. Why? Cause I kept pushing her away. Everytime she tried to get close, I would run into my "man cave" and tell her to "f off".

 

Just because you are married, it does not give you the right to be an ahole to your spouse. This is where I failed my marriage.

 

Another guy came along and said things she loved and needed to hear. So while I was being negative towards her, another guy was being extremely positive. Which would you go with? Say the negative way and I know you are lying.

[PWSX3]

Listen... My wife was not getting attention from me. I just cared about myself and what I wanted. Last I checked, marriage is about compromise and being there for your spouse. Well, I was not there for her emotionally and it was always my way or the highway.

 

 

Just because you are married, it does not give you the right to be an ahole to your spouse. This is where I failed my marriage.

 

BEEN THERE, DONE THIS!!!!! getting divorced because of it!!!

 

This is so true, you have to be welling to put your spouse first in your life...

[skinman]

BEEN THERE, DONE THIS!!!!! getting divorced because of it!!!

 

This is so true, you have to be welling to put your spouse first in your life...

 

Yes that is true... but they have to be willing to put you first in their life... If they are not willing to do that then this is what you end up with.. A DIVORCE....its a 2 way street...

[TrustInYourself]

Let's check this out for a second...

 

Am I happy? Yes... Is she happy right now? Yes...

 

So, after a bit of time, I trust her again. Yes. I am truly trusting her again. She knows that if she ever cheated again I would leave her without question.

 

So, we are both happy. Tears have been shed and words have been said. I buried my pride and CHOSE to stay with her. This is MY decision.

 

The beauty of having a life and living in a free country and is being able to make my own decisions. And that is what I have done. And NO ONE can come along and tell me to "leave her!" or "grow a set of balls!" because I am happy right now. I refuse to wallow in self pity and be angry over somehting that I had a hand in also. I am sticking to my guns.

 

Now... any other success stories to share?

 

Yes. I reconciled. I'm happy, we are happy. We're having another baby. Things are good. There are ups and downs, but we can talk and smile and laugh. I made the decision to give us another chance, just the same as she made the decision to give it another chance.

 

I always see the same posts and the same advice on this forum. Move on, forget her, she's cheating.

 

It may be true. But you don't always have to follow the status quo on your approach.

 

Separations are not the end of a marriage. Divorce is not the end of a marriage.

[TrustInYourself]

Your actions can impact their actions more than you know.

 

The only problem is, there is only one natural reaction to the feeling of betrayal.

 

So how do you attack those feelings?

[TrustInYourself]

I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out, but I wouldn't call this a success story yet until years down the line and she doesn't wind up doing the same thing again. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes, but when somebody cheats and then has an affair while married, it's more than just a mistake. It's disrespectful. It's dishonest. It's really a spit in your face. If somebody wants out, then they get out. When somebody has an affair, there is far more to it than somebody getting drunk, being angry, and having a one night stand.

 

As another poster said, at this point your wife knows she has the power. You seem to take more of the blame on yourself than on what she did.... I wish you the best of luck but I wouldn't really call this a success story at this point in time. What happens if you get busy with work or other things and she starts to think you're distant again? Or are you going to walk on egg shells for her for the rest of your life?

 

Not even, I made the choice to keep trying. Not my wife. I was the one with the power. She caved to her emotions. I stood fast.

 

Human nature betrays our most noble intentions. Who is to blame for an affair? You or your cheating spouse. Ask your spouse. You think she's insane? Or are you incapable of seeing the situation from outside your perspective?

[Lizzie60]

I do not believe that once a cheater always a cheater. That I know for sure.

 

How do you know that for sure... No one (unless you're God) knows that.

 

 

 

Can I blame her for cheating? Nope. Not one bit. Why? Cause I kept pushing her away. Everytime she tried to get close, I would run into my "man cave" and tell her to "f off".

 

That I can understand.. cause women mostly cheat because of emotional issues, men cheat mostly because of physical issues. And I can add... it's the same for some women who can blame themselves for withholding sex...

 

 

 

Thing is.. I usually say that it's easier to cheat after many years of marriage, partners get bored.. the sex life is rather inexistant, eventhough, nowdays, cheaters start earlier in the relationship but for other reasons.

 

If she cheated that early in the relationship.. chances are she will (or even YOU will) cheat later in the relationship.. as I said.. once the 'passion' is gone.. boredom installed itself.. yadayada

 

Once someone has 'tasted' the excitement of cheating.. it's harder to resist..

[TrustInYourself]

I do not believe that once a cheater always a cheater. That I know for sure.

 

How do you know that for sure... No one (unless you're God) knows that.

 

 

 

Can I blame her for cheating? Nope. Not one bit. Why? Cause I kept pushing her away. Everytime she tried to get close, I would run into my "man cave" and tell her to "f off".

 

That I can understand.. cause women mostly cheat because of emotional issues, men cheat mostly because of physical issues. And I can add... it's the same for some women who can blame themselves for withholding sex...

 

 

 

Thing is.. I usually say that it's easier to cheat after many years of marriage, partners get bored.. the sex life is rather inexistant, eventhough, nowdays, cheaters start earlier in the relationship but for other reasons.

 

If she cheated that early in the relationship.. chances are she will (or even YOU will) cheat later in the relationship.. as I said.. once the 'passion' is gone.. boredom installed itself.. yadayada

 

Once someone has 'tasted' the excitement of cheating.. it's harder to resist..

 

Should I be direct?

 

Your opinion comes from the perspective of someone incapable of longterm monogamy and that's truly sad.

 

I fear for your future husbands and their emotional well-being after you key into their disinterest with you. Good looks only last so long. What will you have after you burn everything that ever meant more than just hot sex?

[ilmw]

To the OP,

 

I truly hope all goes well with you and your wife:)

 

But, I did what you did. Similar situation. I did all the self help, self worth, find myself good stuff (well worth it) She noticed I had changed..... she dumped her BF... and wanted me back... I took her back without seeing any changes in her... trusted her to make the changes as she said she wanted to... She never did... and after saying all the things I wanted to hear... and making me promises that I never asked her to make... She turns around and tells me she is still in love with the OM

 

Now I am divorced... and glad to be... but I fought tooth and nail to save my marriage...

 

I was taken for a sucker... and lied to straight to my face.... but hey... thats ok... I am happy without her now:)

 

Just be careful... you may not be out of the deep water yet!

 

ilmw

[TrustInYourself]

To the OP,

 

I truly hope all goes well with you and your wife:)

 

But, I did what you did. Similar situation. I did all the self help, self worth, find myself good stuff (well worth it) She noticed I had changed..... she dumped her BF... and wanted me back... I took her back without seeing any changes in her... trusted her to make the changes as she said she wanted to... She never did... and after saying all the things I wanted to hear... and making me promises that I never asked her to make... She turns around and tells me she is still in love with the OM

 

Now I am divorced... and glad to be... but I fought tooth and nail to save my marriage...

 

I was taken for a sucker... and lied to straight to my face.... but hey... thats ok... I am happy without her now:)

 

Just be careful... you may not be out of the deep water yet!

 

ilmw

 

I agree. Part of the equation goes into who we are dealing with. You may think you know your wife, but you would be surprised.

 

Does your spouse base her decisions solely on her emotional outlook?

 

That does not bar you from making changes to address your own problems. Self growth is always growth you can keep. Never give up on yourself. That is key. That is success. Regardless of the outcome of your marriage.