Does she know what she want's?

[Owl]

I completely agree with GW's assessment of this.

 

Start checking her cell phone usage, as well as her internet usage.

 

I'm betting that you'll find a huge number of calls/texts going to a number that you don't recognize...or one you do recognize, but never suspected.

 

Or you'll find that she's erasing her histories on both...

 

Her reactions sound VERY much like someone who's already emotionally invested in someone new.

[imagine]

Get a look at Marriagebuilders.com articles -why a woman leaves a man. Maybe you will get some insight there.

 

You're another stat. that needs to find out -why?

 

Hey, I'm not an advert, check it out...

[lt72]

I'm a statistic now Imagine, but I choose not to be in the future. I have two wonderful children which I love very much who can never divorce me. In theory, I won already. If my wife decides she doesn't want to come along for the ride in raising them under one roof, as a family, together, then she'll be the statistic. This isn't the direction I want her to go, but we all know you control one thing in life; you. I owe it to my kids to exhaust every option to make this work for their sake.

 

With all of Owl's wisdom (5,000+ posts'), I don't agree with you. I don't see anything good coming from your advise. What good is a number I don't recognize? Or one that I do recognize for that matter? She wouldn't know half of the numbers in my contact list either, does that make them suspect? Either way, there's nothing I can do about it now. What I can do now is believe in the fact that if down the road thing's work out for the better, I will be a better father and husband. If they don't, I'll still be a better father, and a better person! And all those text/ calls won't mean a thing anyway...

[Nomad1]

Somethings are better left unexplained and unsaid. It is clear that this relationship is over. All the signs do suggest the existence of a third party. Otherwise this would not be happening. Of course you will feel the loss of your family as it will change. Time to accept that and begin the healing process. It does take time. It is a rollercoaster, particularly when finances, house etc, take a hit. You will feel very angry every now and then. You will also feel relieved from time to time. The only thing that speeds up the recovery is NC. This is an absolute MUST. Any form of contact only prolongs the pain. Let it go. As far as she is concerned, it is gone!

 

Take care man.

 

Nomad1

[imagine]

Hi It72,

 

Sorry, sometimes I write a bit too quick. I'm NOT trying to tell you that you are not intelligent or deserving of service.

 

What I'm saying is that there are cases when a guy needs to know when his missus is fed up. We men do not recognize the info that they give before we need to do something.

 

What would have been longer to write is that you need to read the articles at marriagebuilders.com (they are free) and come back to talk to us. Ask Owl.

 

Many of the plans come from that site from quite a few of the long term posters on this site.

 

If you do have a gut feeling that your missus is cheating, install a keylogger or recording device. If not read up how to do a Plan A at marriagebuilders (all still free)

[giotto]

Hello,

 

this is my first post here... I just separated from whith wife of 18 years and my situation is exactly as it72's... she says she doesn't know what she wants and that she needs time to understand. Our problem was sex, or the lack of it. She felt under pressure and now associates it to a negative thing. I'm also trying to better myself - I do have my faults. I don't believe she is seeing anybody else. She is just not the type. We have separated because I could not evisage a life without having sex with my wife. She said she would be happy like that. Again, I think you have to do things to better yourself for your own sake, not for her. I believe our relationship is over and there is no point in begging. Be always proud and show her that you are a good man. But do it for yourself, not for her... btw, we have 4 children together...

[TrustInYourself]

Take my advice.

 

Keep up with your changes. Improve yourself to the point where you are attractive and irresistable to her.

 

Do not push for reconciliation. Push for her happiness. Play the game. Use mental judo.

 

Drop your perspective and see her perspective. You have the ultimate advantage. You are her husband, so be patient, understanding, loving and remember the reasons that brought you together.

 

If you are incapable or fat and ugly and an ******* to boot, then you've already lost her.

 

If there is another man, you are competing for your wife's love. She knows you. She knows your vices. She knows your flaws.

 

But you have a trump card, and that's the fact that you are or were the perfect man to her at some point in the past.

 

Recapture yourself. Become that man.

 

There are various strategies and methodologies to approaching women. You will have to master and learn them all.

 

Why should you? Because you are the man. Reclaim your marriage.

 

Don't run from it, like the rest of these guys.

 

I will feed you positive advice all day, but it's on you to live up to my suggestions.

[TrustInYourself]

Hello,

 

this is my first post here... I just separated from whith wife of 18 years and my situation is exactly as it72's... she says she doesn't know what she wants and that she needs time to understand. Our problem was sex, or the lack of it. She felt under pressure and now associates it to a negative thing. I'm also trying to better myself - I do have my faults. I don't believe she is seeing anybody else. She is just not the type. We have separated because I could not evisage a life without having sex with my wife. She said she would be happy like that. Again, I think you have to do things to better yourself for your own sake, not for her. I believe our relationship is over and there is no point in begging. Be always proud and show her that you are a good man. But do it for yourself, not for her... btw, we have 4 children together...

 

Wrong. The sex was your problem. Women typically do not view lack of sex as an issue. It's a symptom of the greater problem. Identify the greater problem.

 

Stop focusing on symptoms. See outside the box. Stop being weak.

[giotto]

Wrong. The sex was your problem. Women typically do not view lack of sex as an issue. It's a symptom of the greater problem. Identify the greater problem.

 

Stop focusing on symptoms. See outside the box. Stop being weak.

 

Sure, you are right. She had probably gone off me. I know that now. But she never said anything... I would have accepted it if she had been honest with me from day one. I can only act on my faults if someone at least mentions something. Mind reading is very difficult, especially if the other half is pretending everything's fine. You, know, I would have liked the honesty, some guts, especially if you are earning 3 times as they do, are around all the time for the children, cook every bloody night, and is, all in all, a nice person. But this is not - obviously - enough... I wasn't meeting her emotional needs... but what about mine?

[TrustInYourself]

Sure, you are right. She had probably gone off me. I know that now. But she never said anything... I would have accepted it if she had been honest with me from day one. I can only act on my faults if someone at least mentions something. Mind reading is very difficult, especially if the other half is pretending everything's fine. You, know, I would have liked the honesty, some guts, especially if you are earning 3 times as they do, are around all the time for the children, cook every bloody night, and is, all in all, a nice person. But this is not - obviously - enough... I wasn't meeting her emotional needs... but what about mine?

 

Back off. Don't do anything for a bit. Let her realize your importance, that is, if you are doing everything.

 

In a sense, you made up for her lack of involvement, by doing more. That's cool. Says alot about you. You did more when the going was tough. But it also shows you have a thing for control and being the primary breadwinner. You have pride in your behavior and that's not wrong.

 

But recognizing the flip side to all of that would be important to understand how you contributed to the end.

 

She felt like she was uninvolved. She felt like she was unneeded. You made it work no matter what and she did not have a place in the family. Her role as a mother and wife was diminished the more you stood up.

 

Human relations are complex and always have two sides.

 

I'm not saying you're wrong or right, but knowing might bring some focus on to what you want and desire and how to achieve that.

[TrustInYourself]

I'm a statistic now Imagine, but I choose not to be in the future. I have two wonderful children which I love very much who can never divorce me. In theory, I won already. If my wife decides she doesn't want to come along for the ride in raising them under one roof, as a family, together, then she'll be the statistic. This isn't the direction I want her to go, but we all know you control one thing in life; you. I owe it to my kids to exhaust every option to make this work for their sake.

 

With all of Owl's wisdom (5,000+ posts'), I don't agree with you. I don't see anything good coming from your advise. What good is a number I don't recognize? Or one that I do recognize for that matter? She wouldn't know half of the numbers in my contact list either, does that make them suspect? Either way, there's nothing I can do about it now. What I can do now is believe in the fact that if down the road thing's work out for the better, I will be a better father and husband. If they don't, I'll still be a better father, and a better person! And all those text/ calls won't mean a thing anyway...

 

True. Pm me.

[Edna07]

You sound exactly like my husband.

 

What you guys don't realize is that emotional abuse carries very real, very deep scars. He is doing the same damn thing you are. He keeps pushing me and honestly - he is making it WORSE.

 

I was willing to work on the marriage and go to counseling, but I continue to see the bad behavior so at this point, I am filing for divorce. He thinks if he is mean to me one day, he can be nice to me for 2 days after and that will make up for it. I don't think so.

[Edna07]

OK I just read the rest of the thread and your posts.

 

It does sound like you want to work on the marriage. Honestly though - it could be that she just waited too darn long and got to a point of no return. Now she's not sure what to do.

 

I definitely took crap for WAY too long in my marriage. Maybe if I had found a way to show him I was serious sooner, we wouldn't be where we are now. At this point, I think there is just too much water under the bridge. I don't trust him when he says he will change and I don't know if I want to wait around to find out if he does.

 

Just another perspective.... And my issue is definitely not another man. I just want to be left alone and live my life in peace.

[TrustInYourself]

OK I just read the rest of the thread and your posts.

 

It does sound like you want to work on the marriage. Honestly though - it could be that she just waited too darn long and got to a point of no return. Now she's not sure what to do.

 

I definitely took crap for WAY too long in my marriage. Maybe if I had found a way to show him I was serious sooner, we wouldn't be where we are now. At this point, I think there is just too much water under the bridge. I don't trust him when he says he will change and I don't know if I want to wait around to find out if he does.

 

Just another perspective.... And my issue is definitely not another man. I just want to be left alone and live my life in peace.

 

I wish we could see the perspective of our wives and feel what they feel. Sometimes it is very difficult for us and you have to leave and we have to suffer in order to find ourselves. I struggle daily with being the absolute best person I can be for myself, but with all the daily chores, routines, and lack of time to devote to my wife, its hard. Its really hard.

 

I hope things work out for the best, whether with or without your marriage. Take care.

[giotto]

Back off. Don't do anything for a bit. Let her realize your importance, that is, if you are doing everything.

 

In a sense, you made up for her lack of involvement, by doing more. That's cool. Says alot about you. You did more when the going was tough. But it also shows you have a thing for control and being the primary breadwinner. You have pride in your behavior and that's not wrong.

 

But recognizing the flip side to all of that would be important to understand how you contributed to the end.

 

She felt like she was uninvolved. She felt like she was unneeded. You made it work no matter what and she did not have a place in the family. Her role as a mother and wife was diminished the more you stood up.

 

Human relations are complex and always have two sides.

 

I'm not saying you're wrong or right, but knowing might bring some focus on to what you want and desire and how to achieve that.

 

well, I have already backed off. It was me who proposed to separate temporarily, so she can sort her head out. Honestly, I've had enough. And she was pretty much invloved with the family. She works shifts, so often it was up to me to be with the children, working week-ends to make up for the lost time. But she is very involved. It's just that maybe I do a bit more than your average man... it's a complicated story. I only wish - if she'd gone off me - that she would have told me straightaway, instead of letting the whole relationship to get to this point. She is a quite reserved person, not a great talker ans she tends to bottle it up. I still love her and I wish things were different, but the only thing I can do now is to back off and let her think...

[TrustInYourself]

well, I have already backed off. It was me who proposed to separate temporarily, so she can sort her head out. Honestly, I've had enough. And she was pretty much invloved with the family. She works shifts, so often it was up to me to be with the children, working week-ends to make up for the lost time. But she is very involved. It's just that maybe I do a bit more than your average man... it's a complicated story. I only wish - if she'd gone off me - that she would have told me straightaway, instead of letting the whole relationship to get to this point. She is a quite reserved person, not a great talker ans she tends to bottle it up. I still love her and I wish things were different, but the only thing I can do now is to back off and let her think...

 

Something you should ask yourself is, is there soomeone else in the picture. Space then is going to create an oppurtunity for your wife to mess around.

 

What should you do with that information? Increase your personal stock. Get in shape. Do some research on love, life, divorce, affairs, etc.

 

If she values you, she will listen to you. You should use that oppurtunity to achieve maximum results according to what you want.

 

I think your mindset should be invincibility. At the same time, someone who is invincible does not fly off the handle emotionally or provide ammunition to someone who is "out of their mind". She may or may not be in a fog. Your job is to light the way by being you. Be the light.

 

It's really up to you on whether or not you want to buy into her decision to end things and be negative and feel like the victim. Anger and sadness are normal and you're going to have bad days. But I would try to deal with these feelings and focus on the positive. Things always get better and stay focused.

[giotto]

Something you should ask yourself is, is there soomeone else in the picture. Space then is going to create an oppurtunity for your wife to mess around.

 

What should you do with that information? Increase your personal stock. Get in shape. Do some research on love, life, divorce, affairs, etc.

 

If she values you, she will listen to you. You should use that oppurtunity to achieve maximum results according to what you want.

 

I think your mindset should be invincibility. At the same time, someone who is invincible does not fly off the handle emotionally or provide ammunition to someone who is "out of their mind". She may or may not be in a fog. Your job is to light the way by being you. Be the light.

 

It's really up to you on whether or not you want to buy into her decision to end things and be negative and feel like the victim. Anger and sadness are normal and you're going to have bad days. But I would try to deal with these feelings and focus on the positive. Things always get better and stay focused.

 

no, there isn't anybody else in the picture... she is not like that, unless it's some kind of emotional affair...

 

I'm being positive... I'm sleeping in my office (upstair) at the moment and I'm finding it extremely calming and soothing. I'm not showing any resentment towards her. There's nothing I can do about the situation. The ball is in her park. If, after this separation, she decides our marriage is worth salvaging, then fine. Otherwise, I'll move on. In fact, I suggested the separation to give her room to think... there is no point in putting pressure on her.

[TrustInYourself]

no, there isn't anybody else in the picture... she is not like that, unless it's some kind of emotional affair...

 

I'm being positive... I'm sleeping in my office (upstair) at the moment and I'm finding it extremely calming and soothing. I'm not showing any resentment towards her. There's nothing I can do about the situation. The ball is in her park. If, after this separation, she decides our marriage is worth salvaging, then fine. Otherwise, I'll move on. In fact, I suggested the separation to give her room to think... there is no point in putting pressure on her.

 

Is this more of the same from you? Or something new? More of the same will equate to more of the same from her.

 

You need to evaluate things and take action, rather than wait for her to give you a decision you won't like.

[giotto]

Is this more of the same from you? Or something new? More of the same will equate to more of the same from her.

 

You need to evaluate things and take action, rather than wait for her to give you a decision you won't like.

 

believe me, I've exhausted all avenues... doesn't matter what I do or how I behave. She's adimtted she has issues with sex due to her upbringing/past. She is confused. She doesn't know what she wants. The only thing she knows is that she doesn't want to have sex with me... she is fed up with the pressure. Hence me backing off. I just wish she told me 10 years ago... but then, she probably didn't know either...

[toddro]

believe me, I've exhausted all avenues... doesn't matter what I do or how I behave. She's adimtted she has issues with sex due to her upbringing/past. She is confused. She doesn't know what she wants. The only thing she knows is that she doesn't want to have sex with me... she is fed up with the pressure. Hence me backing off. I just wish she told me 10 years ago... but then, she probably didn't know either...

 

Watch it man...I know what your saying, trust me I do...but dont ever think for one second that it would be impossible for your wife not to have an affair. The no-sex is a red flag of huge proportions. She may not be having a sexual affair...YET...but I would be willing to bet my next paycheck she is already having an emotional one...and I would be willing to bet my next 10 paychecks she is looking for one at least if not the previous two scenerios.

 

Men are like sharks, they smell blood with women like this. Mine had 10 to 15 guys a night trying to get in her pants. She finally let one have it, and I would be willing to wager at least two others.

[giotto]

Watch it man...I know what your saying, trust me I do...but dont ever think for one second that it would be impossible for your wife not to have an affair. The no-sex is a red flag of huge proportions. She may not be having a sexual affair...YET...but I would be willing to bet my next paycheck she is already having an emotional one...and I would be willing to bet my next 10 paychecks she is looking for one at least if not the previous two scenerios.

 

Men are like sharks, they smell blood with women like this. Mine had 10 to 15 guys a night trying to get in her pants. She finally let one have it, and I would be willing to wager at least two others.

 

yes, I'm not discarding an emotional affair... it could be possible, but then I'm not going to ask her. She said she doesn't want sex with another man, but maybe she needs to feel emotionally involved again. Only time will tell. And I'm not kidding myself that we are going to salvage our marriage. It's too late for that. I know my wife... she'll do nothing to solve the problems... she is the classic example of "I'll brush everything under the carpet..."