Kamiano Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 hey, this is the first time i ever used anything like this or asked for help on this subject, but i dont know what else to do. sorry this is long but believe it or not this is a gist. please read i really need feedback 5 years ago i met a girl in california who till this day cant get out of my mind. her name is Diana i ignored my feelings for her because of the simple fact i was just starting highshool and a LDR wasnt a normal thing to do. and the fact that i live in hawai'i and cant just drive to see her. yet still this girl tried and tried for 3 years to get my attention and affection. finally i forgot about what others thought and we started really talking she was amazing, not only beautiful, but so down to earth. we shared everything with each other all our secrets and feelings. i fell hard. we talked straight for 7 months and i didnt go out with any girls (which is unusual cause im known as i guess you can say a ladys man). that last month she kissed a few guys but told me right after, i was ok w. that because we werent really saying we were going out, because we were smart enough to know that we loved each other, but sometimes you need to psyicallly feel someone. then she said she couldnt handle a LDR now. it hurt, but i didnt blame her, she was going through a lot (wont go into detail, its not my story to tell). it was two months before i went up to cali to see my brother graduate, we were supposed to see each other, but we didnt. it broke me. till this day ive only seen her once she got a bf but when i was in cali started txting me again. they broke up and we got back to things again later that summer. a couple presents and months(4) later a re-met an old friend. she was a beautiful girl but the thing that attracted me most to her was.. she was soo much like Diana. from the way she acted to her favorite store. i was so intrigued w. her, but the relationship with her didnt escalate to a month later. we kissed and diana was ok with that.. untill it became another kiss and another. we stopped talking because she didnt care i liked someone else but she didnt want to be put through it while we still talked. diana is the most understand person i know. i love her for that. now here where it gets confusing.. please keep up i need alot of feedback. the night me and diana broke it off i get an email from the other girl saying how irresistable i am and how she's been day dreaming about me since freshman year.. but it seems like i really love diana and i shouldnt put her through anything due to her and told me i should wait for her. idk what poessesed me to do this but if i could turn back time i would go t this very moment and write back "thank you" but instead i wrote something like " i stopped talking to her for you, im not saying i love you. i just want to be with you... and if you think i love diana, idk if it is love its just the strongest i felt. i want to be with you" she called to say she wants to be with me. the next day i picked her up took her to school and made out the whole way there. it was so nice to have that psyical contact i hadnt have in two years. maybe thats why i sent that email... i wanted to feel someone. im not making an excuse for what i did but thats the reason. a week later, a tramatic experience happened and i went to see the girl. she didnt know what to say or how to handle it, i left her house sat in my car and called the only person i could. diana. she helped me so much and i was so happy... yet i still longed for contact. diana told me if we talk i cant see her. i said ill break it off next weekend. but next weekend became next weekend and next weekend. every time i tried to break it off, i got a kiss that made me long for more. we didnt have sex but i did have her in my room in only her underware time after time i lost dianas trust and gained it back... by the time i finally ended it i completly lost dianas trust with all the lies i wove. she doesnt believe any of my words, and she wishes she could. shes emotionless towards me and keeps bringing up what i did. not to make me feel bad, but shes so hurt that i could go so far with another girl while still loving her. im done with theother girl. it was a mistake i made because i wanted to b normal for once in 2 years. i was the only man she fully trusted in literally the world. and i lost it in the worst way. i know i have to wait to get it back. but how do i help it go along and show her im not lying anymore?
UnamedSeven Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I'm really sorry to hear... Well, gaining anyones trust back isn't a walk in the park. You have to show her, that you are truly faithful to what you held her to. If you honestly believe that she may be "the one" then you have to tell her that you will completely change to be that person (yes, you basically have to do it) That may or may not be the case, but you have to look at it like this: If you screw up, after getting her trust back, the damage would be too catastrophic for the both of you. YOU have to mean that you won't do it ever again. Sorry if that was too harsh. I hope i helped just a little
Author Kamiano Posted January 25, 2009 Author Posted January 25, 2009 ive heard alot worse from her so i can handel it... thank you so much for the support
UnamedSeven Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Anytime I'm always here to offer my help to people who need it more than i do.
Author Kamiano Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 Ah!!! things are already starting to get better! she called tonight cause she couldnt stand not even txting me today! we're still acting as friends and we both have to stop ourselves when we start talking like a couple again.. but its getting better!
Island Girl Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I think there are a lot of obstacles that will need both of you to tackle. Both of you at 100%. From what I get from your post, you are just friends right now. Well, that will lead to heartache on one or both sides -- it already has, right? When you are dating other people, feelings get involved and that clouds the relationship between the two of you. If you hold back from the person you are dating because of thoughts of the two of you then it isn't really fair to the person you are dating, is it? So why involve another person with the knowledge that your heart or thoughts are elsewhere? There were a lot of mistakes made in this relationship. If you want to get back on track it'll need both of you and I can't stress that enough. You should really have a conversation about where you got off track. It may allow her to feel better about what has happened between you and this other girl. To this day you have only seen each other once. That needs to change asap. You need to make the investment and go see her - I would say one of you needs to go see the other but you are the one wanting to earn her adoration back - so you need to be the one to make a move. If you don't see each other I really don't see you starting over with her. The phone, e-mails, and texts just aren't going to rebuild the foundation and show her you mean business. Plus you need that investment so you can have "the talk" about how things got screwed up by dating other people. And that you do not want anything or anyone to screw up the chances of this relationship becoming more than what it is at this point. LDRs are hard in the best of circumstances. Both of you will need to commit to getting to know each other on a truly intimate level. What of the age difference? Have you both addressed that? She is 19. Remember your outlook on life and your thoughts and feelings at 19. I am quite sure they have changed quite a bit now that you are 27. She will be changing and growing as well. She is in college, right? This is a time for new experiences and influences that will manifest in various actions and reactions. Not all of them will be beneficial to a serious relationship. It will depend upon how she handles these things. Is there any chance she will apply to go to U of H? If not, are you willing to move to be together? Because 5 years and only seeing each other once, yet being so serious about this girl, well, it just has to evolve. You don't want to be her buddy. You want an exclusive relationship. But now you have gone down the friend road. Why? Is that coming from her - and that is what she is looking for since she was so "hurt" by your actions with the other girl? If so, I don't think you are voicing your wants very well. It was a mistake to date other people and now it is another mistake not to learn a lesson from what has happened and instead of moving in the direction to strengthen the relationship you have moved backwards. Compounding one mistake with another. I understand you want to win her back. You aren't going to do that by seeing other people. So now you have learned you want her exclusively. And you just wait around while she learns (or doesn't learn) the same lesson? Even though it may be devastatingly painful? It's a mistake. The only way to earn back her trust and maintain the respect necessary for a relationship to work is to NOT get stuck in the friend category. Because she'll be able to stick you there when she feels like it. And that isn't good for you. Not just where your relationship is concerned but you as a person. Just imagine that any time she is feeling unsure or a bit unhappy she puts you in the "friend zone". That'd suck. There's no other way to put it. But your on that road right now. It is still changeable. You can get on the right track but it is going to be a challenge for both of you. I certainly wish you luck. I will tell you from experience that it isn't the amount of time you spend together that allows an LDR to survive long periods of time without seeing each other and being separated by thousands of miles. It is the commitment to the relationship and BOTH people have to do it for it to work. That commitment and then complete open honesty about EVERYTHING will allow the relationship to succeed. The communication and honesty aspect is not in effect right now. At least not on your side. Because this isn't what you want. And it wasn't ever what you wanted. You don't want to be her best friend. And I don't know what happened that you haven't been able to see each other in 5 years. But that absolutely has to change. It isn't that much to go to Hawaii. It isn't that much for you to go to CA. So work on that part immediately. I hope that helps.
Author Kamiano Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 thanks very much. a lot of it helped. but first id like to say, i dont know where you got the ages from. im 17 and shes 16. though compared to most our ages we are very mature, for the simple fact we both been through alot. and our age is most of the reason we cant see each other. and its not like we havent tried, its just eveytime the opprotunity comes out something bad happens, whether it was a family problem or we werent talking. yeah well the only reason she put me as a friend is so we can restart our relationship and for now, dont tell each other all the feelings we have. and well in 2 months im going to check out colleges and see her as much as possible. and shes coming here in july for summer and to see me graduate. im going to a jc so i can have the possibility of going back to hawaii. she was willing to go to UH for me, and i hope once we start actually seeing each other, she'll be will to do that again. we both are really determined to make this relationship work. she's been the very one fighting for so long, and im just beginning to know the pain. but she called last night and things seem to be getting better, i can finally make her laugh again. i guess for right now though the time apart from constant comunication will be good because she needs to work on being able to show emotions and i need to work on telling her the truth and being pacient with her. im so willing to put in the time, she spent 3 years trying to get my attention. i can fight for 2 months. but ill fight for as long as i have to if thats not enough.
Island Girl Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 im so willing to put in the time, she spent 3 years trying to get my attention. i can fight for 2 months. but ill fight for as long as i have to if thats not enough. Sorry I confused the ages. You are both so young! I have to say again that if you date other people it will cause you both pain. One person directly and the other indirectly. She did try very hard to get your undivided attention - and now she has that, right? So commit to giving it a go. Have a talk with her and let her know where your head is. That you believe the relationship deserves a full chance. And that you are going to rebuild her trust in you and show your loyalty to her but that you can't do that if her head or affection is with someone else. You can't do that if your head or affection is with someone else. I am glad you will be moving closer to each other soon. So it isn't so long to remain faithful to each other so there is no more interference until you can really give it a shot, right? Get on the same page. If you really want to make sure the two of you have a real opportunity at making this happen then you need to have fidelity as a component of your relationship. I can not stress this enough. It is too easy to get lost in the newness of someone and then to do more damage to the relationship you are trying to have - have been trying for years to have - especially when you are so close to being able to figure things out. It's just a mistake.
Author Kamiano Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 I can not stress this enough. It is too easy to get lost in the newness of someone and then to do more damage to the relationship you are trying to have - have been trying for years to have - especially when you are so close to being able to figure things out. It's just a mistake. exactly it was a mistake. i got lost in finding someone who reminds me of the girl i love, the curiosity of it all. and the fact that its my senior year and i wanted to explore something. she doesnt only have my undivided attention, she has my heart. and i guess a big part of the reason she was so hurt is because we have been waiting for each other (we are both virgins) for so long, and i went as far to have a girl only in her underware in my room. i know it doesnt justify what i did but she was sooo much like diana and all i thought about was her when ever i did anything, a kiss or holding hands. and i have been telling her i want this to work and i love her soo much,but the problem is, she barely believes me because of the lies ive told. she loves me soo much but ive taught her how to not trust me and be strong with me, when i was the only person who she could let her guard down. it was only till after the fact i stopped seeing the girl, till i knew the extent of the pain i caused her. i didnt let myself see. i dont want anymore interference, it was a one time thing i guess i needed to get out of my system. but im forever hers
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