Why doesn't she just stop!!!

[Guest]

I posted an earlier message a few weeks ago, but there have been some recent occurrances that have just confused the hell out of me. To bring you up to date, my girlfriend of 19 months dumped me very suddenly, very out of the blue, about a month ago. Everything had been going smooth and we both seemed extremely happy. She went on a Spring Break trip with the University she attends and when she came back 5 days later she had met another guy that she said she was not sure if she liked as more than a friend or not. We broke up and I was devastated. I did all of the convincing I could to try to win her back over the next week and a half before I finally realized just how ridiculous I was being. I then told her after two weeks that I could no longer see her, talk to her, or have any contact with her if I had to get over her. We agreed to this and said our final goodbyes. Two days later she sends me an e-mail message with song lyrics and no explanation. I struggled with what I should do and finally ended up calling her basically to bitch at her for breaking our little understanding. Everything seemed to be pretty clear by the time we hung up that she would not contact me unless she wanted to get back together. So, a week and a half passes by and I open up my e-mail two days ago and find the following message from her:

 

hi i know i shouldnt be doing this and you will hate me for it. but i just need to know how you are doing and what youve been doing. im sorry, please dont be upset. i would do this in person but you wont let me and i understand that but please just write me-i miss you.

 

:/

 

Does she truly just miss my friendship so much that she feels she has to hurt me this way?? Why can she not respect my feelings?? Is there a possibility she wants to get back together?? After all, she has maintained all along that she is just friends with this other guy and that nothing has happened. I have not seen her in almost a month. Have not talked to her in two weeks. As long as she doesn't contact me I fell like I can put the past in the past, treat it as if it is a distant memory, and attempt to move on in my life. But this opens the wound all over again. I can't tell if she wants me to write to see if maybe I still feel the same way about her and would consider taking her back. But I feel that if she really wanted to be with me she would have to make that move. After all, I have laid my heart out on the line and let her know just how I feel. She knows that I have a deep and strong love for her and would take her back. That's another thing. I felt strong about moving on toward the next phase in my life until she opens this little possible window of opportunity that tells me that maybe there is some slim chance that maybe she would consider taking me back. As soon as that window opened I felt that I would take her back.

 

I don't know what to do or think. I have not responded, nor do I plan to respond, to her latest e-mail. Any and all advice would be appreciated.

 

Steve

[Nicky]

I posted an earlier message a few weeks ago, but there have been some recent occurrances that have just confused the hell out of me. To bring you up to date, my girlfriend of 19 months dumped me very suddenly, very out of the blue, about a month ago. Everything had been going smooth and we both seemed extremely happy. She went on a Spring Break trip with the University she attends and when she came back 5 days later she had met another guy that she said she was not sure if she liked as more than a friend or not. We broke up and I was devastated. I did all of the convincing I could to try to win her back over the next week and a half before I finally realized just how ridiculous I was being. I then told her after two weeks that I could no longer see her, talk to her, or have any contact with her if I had to get over her. We agreed to this and said our final goodbyes. Two days later she sends me an e-mail message with song lyrics and no explanation. I struggled with what I should do and finally ended up calling her basically to bitch at her for breaking our little understanding. Everything seemed to be pretty clear by the time we hung up that she would not contact me unless she wanted to get back together. So, a week and a half passes by and I open up my e-mail two days ago and find the following message from her: hi i know i shouldnt be doing this and you will hate me for it. but i just need to know how you are doing and what youve been doing. im sorry, please dont be upset. i would do this in person but you wont let me and i understand that but please just write me-i miss you. :/ Does she truly just miss my friendship so much that she feels she has to hurt me this way?? Why can she not respect my feelings?? Is there a possibility she wants to get back together?? After all, she has maintained all along that she is just friends with this other guy and that nothing has happened. I have not seen her in almost a month. Have not talked to her in two weeks. As long as she doesn't contact me I fell like I can put the past in the past, treat it as if it is a distant memory, and attempt to move on in my life. But this opens the wound all over again. I can't tell if she wants me to write to see if maybe I still feel the same way about her and would consider taking her back. But I feel that if she really wanted to be with me she would have to make that move. After all, I have laid my heart out on the line and let her know just how I feel. She knows that I have a deep and strong love for her and would take her back. That's another thing. I felt strong about moving on toward the next phase in my life until she opens this little possible window of opportunity that tells me that maybe there is some slim chance that maybe she would consider taking me back. As soon as that window opened I felt that I would take her back. I don't know what to do or think. I have not responded, nor do I plan to respond, to her latest e-mail. Any and all advice would be appreciated.

Hi Steve,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Naturally, after going out so long with you, you've become part of her life.

 

She ends the relationship. You disappear out of her life. She misses you. She may have finished with you, but it doesn't mean there weren't good things about the relationship that she misses, it just wasn't enough for her.

 

I personally think she is being very selfish. If she finished with you, she should expect and accept if you say you never ever want to see her again. You have every right to do that and look after yourself, and if part of that process means a completely absence of her from your life, then she should respect that.

 

If she realizes she made a big mistake, and regrets finishing, and wants to get back, then she would be round in a flash begging your forgiveness. That's down to her.

 

Would you want her back on any other terms? Maybe she is still confused, and wonders whether she should have finished, but there'd be no point in getting back together if that's her frame of mind. It won't solve a thing.

 

So I suggest you continue as you are. If she definitely wants you back, I'm sure she knows where to find you, or she can say it in a mail. Right now her mail is confusing, because SHE is confused.

 

I say, look after Number 1- ignore her mail, unless it says something quite definite, and that you want to hear. She can't have everything all her own way.

 

All the best

[Sula]

Hi,

 

This isn't an uncommon problem. Divorcees often report to therapists and friends that they miss their ex. The thing about close, intimate relationships is that you do develop a bond. After 19 months, you get used to being with that person. So even for spouses who break off marriages after 1,2,3....50 years for real reasons of unfulfillment and unhappiness will miss thier old partners because of the whole habituation thing. Old habits die hard.

 

So take this with a grain of salt. She sought external fulfillment and ended the relationship. You rightly asked to be left alone so you could deal with your issues.

 

If you feel it would bring closure, write a letter that explores all your feelings about the breakup. You could send it to her, or simply tear it up or burn it. THis will help you deal with your feelings. But if you do send it to her, makeit clear that you want no more contact.

 

You can install a filter in your email program that prevents her messages from getting to you.

 

Good luck.

[Guest]

Just to clarify a few things, I have told her time and time again that I want no more contact with her, yet she continues to try and reach me through e-mail and says that she wants to see me. I have been very specific in letting her know that I don't want to just be friends and that if she doesn't want to be with me that I don't want to see her or communicate with her. This has been clearly stated. And she certainly knows how I feel about her and the situation. There is nothing I can do or say to change her mind, but part of me believes, or wants to, that she will eventually change her mind and want to be with me. I don't want to block her e-mail address for that reason. But at the same time I can't keep starting over again in getting over her every time she decides to write.

 

Steve

[Nicky]

Just to clarify a few things, I have told her time and time again that I want no more contact with her, yet she continues to try and reach me through e-mail and says that she wants to see me. I have been very specific in letting her know that I don't want to just be friends and that if she doesn't want to be with me that I don't want to see her or communicate with her. This has been clearly stated. And she certainly knows how I feel about her and the situation. There is nothing I can do or say to change her mind, but part of me believes, or wants to, that she will eventually change her mind and want to be with me. I don't want to block her e-mail address for that reason. But at the same time I can't keep starting over again in getting over her every time she decides to write. But she knows where you live, right? Trust me, if she really wants to go out with you again, she can come round in person. I know part of you doesn't want to shut her out, in case she does change her mind. But you have to look after yourself. The email block sounds like a good idea. If she is really interested you have to trust she will make an effort to contact you.

 

The alternative is continuing with the current situation. She is easing her pain from separation by emailing you all the time. This keeps the wound open for you, but makes life more bearable for her. Who's to say she won't carry on for a few more months, until she meets some other guy she likes.

 

Tell her not to contact you, unless she has something worthwhile to say- that way you aren't closing the door on future opportunities with her.

 

I don't envy your situation, it's not easy, but I hope it works out for you. All the best

[Roddo]

The alternative is continuing with the current situation. She is easing her pain from separation by emailing you all the time. This keeps the wound open for you, but makes life more bearable for her. Who's to say she won't carry on for a few more months, until she meets some other guy she likes. Tell her not to contact you, unless she has something worthwhile to say- that way you aren't closing the door on future opportunities with her. I don't envy your situation, it's not easy, but I hope it works out for you. All the best

Steve,

 

I know exactly how you are feeling. My ex girlfriend is doing the same act with me saying she misses me terribly and keeps sending me email and ICQ messages stating that but won't mention anything about rebuilding our relationship. Do what I am doing and try to move on and continue giving her the cold shoulder. If she loves you enough and remembers all of the great things you did for her and the good times you had, then she possibly might come asking you back. She is going to find that although you weren't perfect, you were still a nice guy and there are plenty other users out there that she will soon discover. As for me, I am not holding my breath for mine, if it happens then I will cross that bridge when I come to it. No expectations means no advanced pain as I see it. Good luck and take care of yourself and don't settle for being kept on a string, we are marionettes.