did you think she cheated? how do i get over it?

[ntrahqit]

alright so yesterday after i pretty much had to force it out of her because I REALLY wanted to know, my girlfriend of 6 months as of February told me that she messed around (sexual act) with someone else in July, less than a month before she and I made our relationship "Official". We were dating since March and became serious. I know that I really didnt want a relationship at first because I have just came out of a bad one in January so she and I were simply friends for a while. And in april, we finally messed around (sexually, as well). Slowly but surely my feelings got a heavier as did hers. But I was still on the whole, I "dont want a title to solidify what we have" type of deal. Anyway, yesterday she told me she started talkin to someone in June and they went out and messed around one day in July. She said it wasnt planned or anything. She also said that she didnt think we'd ever really be together (title & all) and that the whole thing was stressing her out. But I feel like if you were totally about me like you claimed you were months previous and even passed this time, why'd you hook up with someone else? I mean, she told me like 3 days after we got together but I said it was no biggie. But sine we're talking about engagement, and its never left my mind, I wanted to know the details. And I got them. I want to believe her but it still hurts like hell because we were 5 months in and though I was anti-title, I felt like I didnt need more and I definitely didnt mess around with anyone else. But her excuse was she feels bad and guilty but at the same time we didnt establish that we were "exclusive". I know that if she was to have told me back then, it would've been over.. our friendship or whatever you want to call it. Sooo perhaps thats why I wanted to avoid it. I know I didnt want to lose her so I gave in to the relationship. And I do love her. But I the whole situation is making me go crazy.

 

 

SO how do i get over it? DO I break up with her? Do I try to move on from it? IDK what to do. Any similar situations from you all? do you think she cheated?

I just cant get it out of my mind and it hurts beyond reason to think she'd try to go so long without telling me.

[Marigoldlove]

Take a step back and breathe in the situation, because if this person says they really love you and you are talking about getting serious then it should be something you can overcome.

If you were not official when it happend, and made it quite clear that you were not looking for a serious relationship than I can understand her point of view...

Do you think if the roles were reversed she would get over it?

if yes -

- if you really love her you should be willing to try and look past it and realize as a part of her past. People always have pasts and secrets - and your lucky she told you about it. She obviously cared enough about you to tell you about it 3 days after it happened - instead of just right now, or never.

 

if no

- then you should give up the relationship - and try and make it more obvious sooner that you are willing to commit, so the other person doesn't misunderstand your signals.

[ntrahqit]

idk if she'd be so quick to forgive me if i were the one to do the same thing.

its all about trust, really. i trusted her enough to think that she wouldnt mess around with anyone else. and though we had established those "exclusive" boundaries.... it was clear that i wasnt messing around with anyone else and that we were more than just friends.

like i said, we shared everything but the title.

 

 

yesterday i felt like i could get over it, but today its eating away at me.

 

i think i should have at least got a simple, "well, you are not giving me what i want right now so im gonna look elsewhere" before actually messing around with someone else. dont you think?

[Marigoldlove]

Don't you think having that conversation "Your not giving me what I want so I am going to find it somewhere else" ...is a little too fast/strong when your just seeing each other. No offence at all to you...but people continue to date other people all the time. Sometimes people go on dates with 3 /4 people...and then drop the ones that don't work. You are obviously the one that worked, so she chose to stay with you and be faithful when you asked her to be in an official relationship.

I think if you were official at the point in which she did sexual favors with someone else...it would make the situation very different, because that would be cheating. But i think if you really love her / you were meant to be....this situation will go behind you.

[Geishawhelk]

I just replied in your other thread, but I'm posting here too, because strictly speaking, you shouldn't cross-post, it's frowned upon.

 

You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Relax, enjoy your relationship and stop being so anxious.

 

If she cheats NOW - I'd be worried.

 

People are people, regardless of their sexual persuasion.

 

If people want to sleep around, outside of a committed relationship, there's no reason why they shouldn't. (providing they stay clean, healthy and safe....) Within a committed relationship, where people have made a promise to one another (be it public and official, or just between themselves) then it's a different ball-game.

 

Ease off and just enjoy what you have.

[ntrahqit]

thanks to you both for replying.

i needed that advice.

i will be applying it.

 

and thanks for telling me about

"cross posting"... definitely didnt know.

[Dexter Morgan]

SO how do i get over it? DO I break up with her? Do I try to move on from it?

 

Yes, break up with her. You will heal in time and you won't have to worry about being with someone you can't trust or can't look at the same way again.

 

There are girls out there that will treat you right and not mess around with other guys. You can find one.

 

 

do you think she cheated?

 

Well that remains to be seen since it is unclear whether you were "committed" to her or not.

 

Either way, she showed you that you weren't all that important to her. So lose her and find someone worthy.

[lamaman3]

Yes, break up with her. You will heal in time and you won't have to worry about being with someone you can't trust or can't look at the same way again.

 

There are girls out there that will treat you right and not mess around with other guys. You can find one.

 

 

 

 

Well that remains to be seen since it is unclear whether you were "committed" to her or not.

 

Either way, she showed you that you weren't all that important to her. So lose her and find someone worthy.

 

Its understandable that he wouldnt be that important to her - since HE COMMUNICATED TO HER that he shouldnt be that important to her (by telling her not to consider him as her boyfriend)

 

And guys think girls send mixed signals - "I dont want something serious but I want you to act like were in something serious"

 

Sometimes you cant have your cake and eat it too.

[Geishawhelk]

they're both female.

 

Read all the posts fellers!!

[Dexter Morgan]

Its understandable that he wouldnt be that important to her - since HE COMMUNICATED TO HER that he shouldnt be that important to her (by telling her not to consider him as her boyfriend)

 

Where did he/she say that?

 

 

And guys think girls send mixed signals - "I dont want something serious but I want you to act like were in something serious"

 

Sometimes you cant have your cake and eat it too.

 

Well if she wanted a serious relationship with him/her(still have to figure that one out), then messing around with someone else wasn't the way to go about it.

[Geishawhelk]

Well, the title of the thread (link I posted) was Lesbian couple.

I think the poster then put she/he throughout the post, to include feedback from both genders on how they would feel. But the poster is female, and her partner is female.

 

Nowadays, you just can't tell though.

Especially from the back.

[ntrahqit]

yes, we're both female.

and yes i wanted feedback from others.

 

i agree with all of you to an extent.

i honestly feel as though, if she wanted to be with me,

then why would just give into to someone else...

and though she wasnt obligated to tell me,

i think some type of courtesy was due because we did make it clear that we werent ordinary friends.

to me, we had everything but the title.... she however,

wanted it (& i dont blame her for wanting it).

 

but she is stuck on the whole idea that it was technically cheating because we didnt have that so called "exclusivity" talk. idk if its a way for her not to feel too too bad about it (i know she feels awful about it) or what.

what i do know is, it hurts to think that was involved with someone else while she was supposed to be into me.

however, since we werent "exclusive" and had already established a friendship, i think tellin me wouldnt have been that difficult. although i know i would have got upset and stopped dealing with her, and she knows this as well.

 

her reason she says for talking to someone else, is because she didnt think we'd be together.... that the situation was stressing her out and she just fell to a moment of weakness. but why not stop talkin to me altogether if you feel that way. i do remember 1 or 2 no communication days and how she said she tried to stop talkin to me but couldnt.

 

its just one moment your heart is telling you you love her and that you are still together. this one issue is the only REAL issue you two have. stick it out. get past it, dont forget it. the next your mind is saying she was kinda shady, but maybe she has a point. it was still wrong. and it though it may not have been cheating ... it felt like it. maybe we should break up. but with this, i always find ways to talk myself out of doing it. and this in turn, weighs heavy on my heart. trust has always been an issue for me, with anyone but with her its different. maybe its altered a bit since i found out what happened but i know she hasnt done anything since we've been together and that she loves me.

[Dexter Morgan]

yes, we're both female.

and yes i wanted feedback from others.

 

i agree with all of you to an extent.

i honestly feel as though, if she wanted to be with me,

then why would just give into to someone else...

 

You got it right. This whole, "we aren't exclusive yet, but I do want that, so until we are exclusive, I'm gonna screw around with other people" idea is a load of bunk. If you REALLY want to be with someone, and you are dating, just haven't taken that "we are a couple" plunge yet, then I can't see why anyone would think that screwing around with others is a way to GET that exclusivity.

 

You are right. If she wanted to be with you, she isn't showing it.

 

I had someone a long time ago that we were in the works of being a couple. didn't call each other boyfriend or girlfriend yet, but were working towards it because we wanted to make sure that we were compatible.

 

So during that time I can't give the relationship a chance if I am messing around with other people. But she, without telling me, up and left and stayed the weekend with an x-boyfriend.

 

She then came back and tried to act like nothing was wrong. She told me that I had no right to be mad at her because we weren't exclusive. I told her I wasn't mad at her. She then asked, "so are we still dating".

 

I said, "no".

 

 

but she is stuck on the whole idea that it was technically cheating because we didnt have that so called "exclusivity" talk.

 

technically it probably wasn't cheating, but there still can be a sense of betrayal on your end.

 

What she did do is pretty much tell you, "you aren't that important to me to keep from being with someone else"

 

 

however, since we werent "exclusive" and had already established a friendship, i think tellin me wouldnt have been that difficult. although i know i would have got upset and stopped dealing with her, and she knows this as well.

 

 

If she knows you would have stopped dealing with her, then she had to have known you'd see it as betrayal, exclusivity talk or not.

 

 

her reason she says for talking to someone else, is because she didnt think we'd be together.... that the situation was stressing her out and she just fell to a moment of weakness.

 

Well if she didn't think you 2 would be together, then she should have moved on. But no, she decides to mess around with someone else, and slink her way back to you.

 

 

but why not stop talkin to me altogether if you feel that way.

 

EXACTLY!

 

 

and it though it may not have been cheating ... it felt like it.

 

EXACTLY!

 

 

maybe we should break up. but with this, i always find ways to talk myself out of doing it. and this in turn, weighs heavy on my heart. trust has always been an issue for me, with anyone but with her its different. maybe its altered a bit since i found out what happened but i know she hasnt done anything since we've been together and that she loves me.

 

How do you know?

 

And besides, if she can betray you once, and show that she can have her moments of "weakness", it will happen again. If she were to be out with other people, and you are out of sight, out of mind, and she gets that "weak" feeling again, she'll betray you, I guarantee.

[ntrahqit]

yes, Dexter, BETRAYAL!

 

that is the best word for this situation.

totally and completely.

 

and your situation seemed messed up as well.

so glad you could just up and end it.

for me, its harder than i thought.

all of this happened 6 months ago.

i didnt ask for details until a couple days ago.

we've gone on with our relationship.

this isnt to say she didnt try to tell me.

but yet and still, she waited wayyyy after she

screwed around and a few days after we

made everything "official".

i dropped it then. i didnt want to know.

i was on a "happy high", i guess you could say.

but now that things are getting heavier...

i feel im owed some answers.

now i find this out.

it'd be different if i didnt give a ---- about her

but honestly, if i said i didnt, i'd be telling a lie.

how do i know she wont do it again?

i dont.

not all things i will know.

i'd like to hope she doesnt.

i want to believe she wont.

hell, thats not really an issue.

its what she DID, thats getting to me.

if you get what im trying to say.

 

more so, her explanations make sense

because i want to believe her...

though IMO she was totally in the wrong.

 

nonetheless, thanks for your feedback,

i definitely see what you are saying.

[Geishawhelk]

Well, I'll put my hands up and admit that having gone more deeply into it, and reading your and Dexter's posts, I can see it more your way now.

 

I did believe you were making a mountain out of a molehill, but I can see how upsetting this is for you.

I think what you're really looking for is an apology from her, and an admittance that what she did hurt your feelings. You want validation.

because if you were to get an apology, my guess is you might not be feeling so resentful right now.

You seem to have different values and standards.

The question I see you're asking yourself is - if she could do it when we were nearly there, could she do it now we are there....?

 

 

And I suspect you actually fear the answer is 'yes'.....

 

Has she apologised?

Has she promised to remain faithful?

has she seen how upsetting this was for you?

Does she know the depth - I mean really, the depth of your feelings?

[ntrahqit]

yes,

she has apologized.

she written me a huge letter about

everything and how she didnt want

to hurt me.

that that was the last thing she wanted to do.

and it was sincere.

she cried me than i did.

though tears dont convince me most of the time,

i could see she regretted what she'd done.

i tell her to let it go so we can get past it...

when im with her, i mean it.

but when im here by myself, let to think...

it plagues my mind.

she tells me i look at her with 'guilt eyes'

but i think it is more or less my disappointment in her that is leaking through.

 

she knows how much i care about her.

i know that she cares about me.

despite that one stupid thing,

you cant say that what we have doesnt encompass love.

i've thought about breaking up with her, ignoring her, even revenge.. but for what?

thats out of character for me. and just as wrong as what she's done.

she's has been faithful from august to now.

and if i ask her to promise i know she would.. and she'd commit. but the thing is.. i dont need that. because i know she will be honest and faithful regardless.

i swear thats not an issue. its what happenED.. not what will thats running rapid in my head.

[Geishawhelk]

Right.

So that's established.

It is YOU hanging onto something because you can't let it go.

 

So maybe I was right in the first place.

This is bugging you to the point that it's eating you up whole.

She's asked for forgiveness.

She's apologised.

She's been tearful, and you have perceived this for yourself, to be genuine and heartfelt.

So essentially speaking, what you're doing here, is whupping her through whupping yourself.

She can see you haven't let go. She can see it in your eyes.

She sees it as throwing guilt upon her. You see it as disappointment.

 

Same thing, really.

How awful must that be?

To have someone you love being constantly disappointed in you.....

 

That one stupid thing is over and done.

if you keep carting this around, you will eventually drive her away, and lose her.

And then you'll think:

"Hah! see? I was right all along!"

 

So you're in a win-win situation.

Which will be a lose-lose situation.

What would it take to actually make you get over this?

because this is really no longer her problem.

This is yours.

[ntrahqit]

you're right.

it is me hanging on to it.

but only because it hurt.

will always if i keep thinking about it.

 

i think i just need to talk to her

again and let her know how i feel/felt because i have been holding some things

in to not hurt her feelings more or to say things that i may not mean.

 

but if i vent to her and let everything emotion, thought and feeling out, im sure we will get past this.

 

i want us to grow from it.

not apart because of it.

[Narf]

Id like to say sorry before i write my response cause my response is due to personal experience....

 

Try think of it from her point of view... She was ready to commit, she wanted it but you hessitated... So gradually she became unsure... She was scared that developing real feelings for you could leave her hurt, so she tried to lessen them by using this other person... When you finally decided that she was someone you were sure about she became secure and happy... Telling you what happened would destroy that... Hence why it took her so long...

 

Now i dont agree with her fooling around and that would hurt me too... but no security in a relationship causes doubts, fears...

 

Now it is up to you if you think this is something you can get over...

[ntrahqit]

ahh narf, i think thats what she has been trying to say this entire time. you've made it (her perspective) clearer.

 

makes it easier to deal with when you look at it that way.

 

i know its something i can get over.

[lamaman3]

Where did he/she say that?

 

Well if she wanted a serious relationship with him/her(still have to figure that one out), then messing around with someone else wasn't the way to go about it.

 

No the way to go about it was to ask if the woman wanted to be in a relationship with her - and when she said she wasnt ready for something serious then the normal thing to do is respect the persons wishes and not "trying to go about getting it" when they said they dont want it. Why is it her responsibility to keep trying to get someone into a relationship when they said they dont want one?

 

Personally I think what the OP is doing to her SO is cruel. She DID NOT betray you. You cant tell someone that you dont want to be serious with them and then be hurt when they take you at your word. Its cruel of you to condemn the poor woman as doing something wrong when the OP rebuffed her attempts at a serious relationship and then she respected the OP enough to act accordingly. You dont get the security of a serious relationship but also dont get the freedom of not being serious??? What kind of no-win situation do you expect to put this woman in? You are experiencing irrational jealousy, quite like many of the men on here who feel jealous of their girlfriend's past. Your SO is being exceedingly patient in helping you get through this and the sooner you do the better it is.

 

As for the comments about "how do you know she wont do it again?" Youre right - next time shes single and not in a relationship - she might god-forbid be physical with another man *gasp*.

[Dexter Morgan]

No the way to go about it was to ask if the woman wanted to be in a relationship with her - and when she said she wasnt ready for something serious then the normal thing to do is respect the persons wishes and not "trying to go about getting it" when they said they dont want it. Why is it her responsibility to keep trying to get someone into a relationship when they said they dont want one?

 

Why mess around with him at all if she feels the need to get it elsewhere.

 

Either they work towards a relationship, or they don't. its that simple.

 

If she thought going out and messing around with other guys is perfectly ok, then why even bother with the OP?

 

 

Personally I think what the OP is doing to her SO is cruel. She DID NOT betray you. You cant tell someone that you dont want to be serious with them and then be hurt when they take you at your word. Its cruel of you to condemn the poor woman as doing something wrong when the OP rebuffed her attempts at a serious relationship and then she respected the OP enough to act accordingly. You dont get the security of a serious relationship but also dont get the freedom of not being serious??? What kind of no-win situation do you expect to put this woman in? You are experiencing irrational jealousy, quite like many of the men on here who feel jealous of their girlfriend's past.Your SO is being exceedingly patient in helping you get through this and the sooner you do the better it is.

 

Whether you or the OP thinks what she did is betrayal is a matter of opinion.

 

the OP has the right to be put off and hurt by her actions.

 

Thats why I say, don't get mad, just leave her by the curb. No hard feelings, they can just both move on.

[Dexter Morgan]

here is a question:

 

If the gf didn't think she did anything wrong and thought it was perfectly ok to mess around while trying to establish a relationship with the OP.....then why did she bring it up after they became a committed couple?

 

If she did nothing wrong, wouldn't you think it would have been none of the OP's business? She obviously confessed out of guilt and didn't want any secrets between them, which is admirable.

 

But if she did nothing wrong, why even mention it? It would be like me mentioning a past girlfriend and what I did with her to my current SO. It would be irrelevant to the current relationship....no?

[lamaman3]

here is a question:

 

If the gf didn't think she did anything wrong and thought it was perfectly ok to mess around while trying to establish a relationship with the OP.....then why did she bring it up after they became a committed couple?

 

If she did nothing wrong, wouldn't you think it would have been none of the OP's business? She obviously confessed out of guilt and didn't want any secrets between them, which is admirable.

 

But if she did nothing wrong, why even mention it? It would be like me mentioning a past girlfriend and what I did with her to my current SO. It would be irrelevant to the current relationship....no?

 

Yes I agree with you. If she hadnt mentioned it they both would have been much happier now.

[lamaman3]

Why mess around with him at all if she feels the need to get it elsewhere.

 

Either they work towards a relationship, or they don't. its that simple.

 

right...thats why when someone tells another person they arent ready for a relationship - they shouldnt invest in "working towards a relationship." It wasnt, "Lets see what happens." It was, "I'm not ready for a relationship." And yet - life happened and they found themselves in a relationship. Sometimes you have to accept that life is messy and not everything works out perfectly. I think the OP should be happy for how things turned out - if she isnt then she has no choice but to leave youre right.