My brother wants to get married...and we all think she's the wrong girl for him!!!

[Worried Brother]

I didn't know where to put this, but I'm looking for some advice.

 

I'm having real problems with a girl my brother is in love with and about to propose to. I love my little bro to death, and I'm really concerned that this girl is not right for him. However, I'm in a delicate situation. He is pretty strong is his decisions. How do I approach the subject, that essentially tells him I (and others) believe she is all wrong for him? I'm worried he will marry her and resent me (and others) for the rest of his life. I am in a unique position to intervene, though, because...well, he's my brother and we are close.

 

Let me know if these concerns are unfounded. She's wrong for him because:

 

1. Her beliefs and ideals are completely contrary to what we were taught growing up. She is ultra conservative and has beliefs to boot, which she makes available upon and without request. I actually mentioned this to him once and he conceded that some of the things she says are admittedly overboard.

 

2. She grew up an only child in a wealthy family. Has a short chain and is a very stereotypical rich girl when it comes to things like race, social status, etc. Our family, in contrast, is large and though upper middle class, we didn't have everything.

 

3. She is NOTHING like anyone anybody would have guessed for him. Looks, personality etc. and she is anorexic...or so it is rumored. Which also leads into her lack of confidence and insecurity.

 

4. Its like he has joined a cult.

 

5. She is completely against premarital sex. Which is one of the reasons I think they are in such a hurry.

 

6. They have been dating for less than a year and 3/4 of that time was long distance.

 

7. I'm also afraid that if things don't work out that they won't divorce, because of her religious convictions and that he'll be unhappy for the rest of his life.

 

And the list goes on. Don't get me wrong. I know some of these things are petty and stupid. But, I can't help but worry. I've never had as many questions or worries about any girl that he has dated before. In fact, I've never been worried at all. But he has made such a dramatic shift that it worries me that it is not real...or just a case of puppy love. I mean, he has completely changed.

 

I like the girl, don't get me wrong. She is a nice person 99% of the time, but I just have a deep down feeling that she isn't right for him.

 

I don't think its a case of a brother not wanting to let go either. He was at this point once with another girl and I was actually excited for him.

 

I just want him to be happy, but I'm afraid that I (and others...like my entire family) am seeing things that he just isn't seeing. I feel like I should say something, but I'm afraid to.

 

What should I do??

[HokeyReligions]

The only thing I think you can do is, in a loving and non-confrontational manner, tell your brother that you don't think she is the right one for him, tell him why, then tell him that you will love and support him no matter what and that you will open your heart and mind to accept his new wife and hope that they will prove your fears wrong. Then speak no more about it and share his joy.

[moimeme]

I'd go about it in a roundabout way. You could mention that you visit a relationship board and have read a lot of posts by people who feel they got married without knowing enough about each other and then suggest one of these books (you could check a couple out for yourself and see which you like). I found them listed at Amazon but your local library might have them.

 

 

• 
  365 Questions for Couples by Michael J. Beck, et al (Paperback)
   
  How Can I Be Sure: Questions to Ask Before You Get Married by Bob Phillips (Introduction) (Paperback)
   
  Getting Ready for Marriage Workbook : How to Really Get to Know the Person You're Going to Marry by Jerry D. Hardin, Dianne C. Sloan (Paperback)
   
  The Marital Compatibility Test: Hundreds of Questions for Couples to Answer Together by Susan Adams (Paperback)
   
  Before You Say "I Do": Important Questions for Couples to Ask Before Marriage by Todd Outcalt, Tods Outcalt (Paperback
   
  

 

You could also go about it by asking questions in such a way that, in answering you, he is forced to think harder about what he's doing. This is not the easiest task but if he doesn't want to read the books, you could bone up on some questions and then ask him in the course of conversation.

 

It is highly unlikely that he will listen if you just tell him; that would involve him accepting your opinion for his own. He needs to come to the idea by himself.

[iceprincess]

If I were in your situation, I would go ahead and voice those concerns to your brother. But don't attack him with negative comments about his girlfriend, no one likes to have someone they love (going to be married to) be bashed around. If he decides not to follow your advice...be a BROTHER and support him. You probably already know deep inside that things may not work out, so be there with him. If things happen like you predicted, don't turn your nose up and say, "see I told you", because he probably needs you most at that time. Be loving and be kind.

 

iceprincess

[BadMan]

If it were me, I'd keep my mouth shut.

Let him make his mistakes. Just be there for him when it all falls apart.

[quankanne]

the suggested reading list proposed by Moimeme is a splendid idea because they will help your brother and his girl discern their reasons for marrying while learning more about each other. You really can't over-study or over-learn someone when it comes down to wanting to make a commitment to that person, esp. a marriage commitment.

[tabbico]

I'm having the same problem with my oldest son - he is engaged to a young woman who is so bad that we have had to get a restraining order against her (she has been exposing herself to my under-18 sons just to name one of the wonderful things about her). But the more my husband and I have talked to our son, the more resolved he is to marry her (he is 28) and the less he has any contact with us. My experience with this now indicates that the more you attack the loved one, the more the brother/son will pull away.

[jenny]

if your concerns included addictions, infidelity, or lying, it would be more clear to me that you might need to speak to him. this is obviously your call, and you clearly would *like* to talk to him, but i honestly don't feel as though you should. people, justifiably, get quite defensive about their loved ones, and, for that matter, their privacy. loving your brother does not give you license to intrude, especially on this shaky of grounds.

 

 

if you do *have* to talk to him, i'd phrase it the form of questions as in : so, how are you and X handling those pesky religious/cultural differences? maybe he has already thought about it, and hopefully they will have to consider it further in a marriage training course.

 

but make sure you have a handle on your own motives first. it sounds like you guys are close, which is awesome, and rare! if you are having any anxiety about losing him or sharing him you need to have that clear in your head as well.

 

best of luck! j

[KellyC]

I agree with Jenny on this one. I understand your concern for him, but when people get engaged the last thing they want to hear is "are you sure" from their family. Waht he needs now is your support and love, and like Badman mentioned, be there when it falls apart. To many times families are too opinionated, and do not know what is best for their loved ones. They do not walk in their shoes, have no idea what it is like for them, and have much different desires and dreams for them. Everyone is different, and that's the good thing about the human race. Why don't you just support your brother and be there for him if you love him so much.

[ilovemybabies]

I KNOW for a fact I am not wanted by my DH's family. Not pretty enough, too fat, not a good slave for my husband, not a good enough mother...etc, ad nauseum.

 

I understand your concern. My brother married a girl who he had knocked up and she ended up leaving him with 2 kids. But, I NEVER told him she wasn't right and I never treated her badly. I treated her like I wanted my inlaws to treat me.

 

I am going to be blunt. Your brother is an adult. Please, even if you do not like her, butt out. BTW, there is nothing wrong with not having premarital sex. I wish I had lived like that.

 

You don't have to like her or love her. But, there must be something redeeming he likes or he wouldn't be marrying her. And when he marries, SHE will be (and she should be) his TOP priority. You all become extended family. So, if you want to keep peace, say nothing, be there if he needs you and treat her with basic respect. Otherwise you and your brother may never be the same again and he will have a LOT more respect for you. You don't want a rift that may never be fixed properly. You also will want to see your future nephews/nieces. (My deal with my DH is that as long as the ILS treat me respectfully they see the kids. If not, they do not. I will not have my kids exposed to people being rude to their mom.)

 

You sound like a loving and caring sister. Just be there and keep your mouth shut on this one. And once they are married, do not butt into the way they keep their h ome, their marriage or the way they may raise their kids.

 

I hope you take my advice in the spirit it was intended. Good luck.

[moimeme]

I don't agree. If marrying this girl will be a train wreck, it's worth trying to have some input but I stand by what I said about doing it indirectly.

 

I know one man who married a complete beyatch. Nobody liked her; she was a snob and was totally concerned about her appearance. He was a sweet guy who was all swept up by her beauty and he got snobby, himself, after a while. Eventually they divorced because he realized what everyone else had seen about her. He later said he could have used some input beforehand. I know someone else who ended up with an abusive guy. Nobody who knew about his issues warned her ahead of time because they wanted to 'give him a chance'.

 

However, if the person, once warned, then chooses to go ahead and marry this person, of course people should support that.

[ilovemybabies]

This situation doesn't sound like an abusive type of thing. It sounds to me that the OP just has nothing in common with the future SIL and cannot understand what her brother sees in the woman. She also mentions looks and a rumored health problem and the woman's lack of confidence, etc, as undesirable. She touts lack of premarital sex , the woman's beliefs, and her upbringing in a more affluent home as character or personality flaws. She also says her brother, if he decides the woman is not right for him AFTER the marriage, will not divorce and be unhappy for the "rest of his life".

 

I think it is a situation where the OP needs to back off, and let things go. The more she gripes or comments, the more the brother will be determined to marry this woman. If she keeps her comments and attitude to herself, she will come out a winner, no matter what happens, in her brother's eyes. It sounds like she has pretty much spoken her piece to her brother and he won't hear of it. So, it is time to let it alone.

[moimeme]

The more she gripes or comments

 

Can't speak for the others, but I know I for sure did not recommend that he 'gripe and comment'. I recommended he recommend some books to his brother or to ask questions which might cause him to think. I agree that 'griping and commenting' is unlikely to be helpful in any situation.