effervescence Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 A lot of us view cheating on different terms, and our own feelings about what cheating is can change over time, or from situation to situation. Just out of idle curiosity, how do *you* define cheating? Consider your answer based on a committed, exclusive relationship (marriage, steady monogamous dating, etc.), although feel free to indicate if you think things are different in marriage vs. steady dating, etc. Consider the following scenarios, and feel free to include others. Some of these are much more innocuous than others, but I'm curious about a wide variety of situations. There's no right or wrong answer. I have my own opinion, but I'm just curious about how others feel about this topic. Thanks. -having sex with someone other than your partner -non-intercourse sexual activity with someone else (oral, petting, etc.) -looking at porn -masturbation -kissing other girls/guys -hugging other girls/guys -openly flirting with other girls/guys -if you're a girl and straight, going to a club without your partner and dancing with another guy(s) -going out to dinner one-on-one with someone else (non-business) -going out to a movie or other date activity one-on-one with someone else Link to post Share on other sites
MarieW Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 Hi effervescence, Well, these are just my guidelines/opinions in response to your question; -having sex with someone other than your partner Definitely unfaithful and if my bf ever did it I'd be tempted to damage him and her! -non-intercourse sexual activity with someone else (oral, petting, etc.) Not as bad as having sex with them but yes, still unfaithful and possibly a "sacking" offence -looking at porn Hmmmm!!! Not unfaithful - but I wouldn't like it and would wonder what was wrong with ME or our sex life that he felt the need to do it! -masturbation Not unfaithful at all, completely normal. As above, if it was porn he masturbated to I would have to think about it but if he's using his imagination or thinking about me then even better. Mutual masturbation is good too. -kissing other girls/guys Depends on the kiss. A peck on the cheek to a friend or relative is fine but if he full on kissed some girl it would be unfaithfulness as far as I'm concerned! -hugging other girls/guys That's fine and not unfaithful - as long as it's not a sexual, groping kind of hug. -openly flirting with other girls/guys My bf flirts with my friends in an innocent, joking kinda way and he's usually cuddling me at the time so I don't mind that but if he was out without me and I heard he was flirting with some stranger I wouldn't like it, but it's not exactly unfaithful. -if you're a girl and straight, going to a club without your partner and dancing with another guy(s) I have done this and I'm sure my bf has too, I don't consider it unfaithful having a quick dance with someone as long as it's not a slow one with lots of touching, that's different and borderline unfaithful. -going out to dinner one-on-one with someone else (non-business) Unless it's a same sex friend or relative I would consider this extremely dodgy and possibly leading to unfaithfulness. -going out to a movie or other date activity one-on-one with someone else Depends what it is. My bf has been to the cinema a couple of times with a female friend and another male friend, this was fine. If it was just him and her it would probably still be fine but I'm unsure. Most people have friends of both sexes and it's natural to do stuff with them but it depends what that stuff is. Just my opinions, be interested to read other people's. Link to post Share on other sites
Heidi2 Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 I view cheating to be everything you listed above.. ++ all that defines the true definition of FAITHFULNESS!! Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 Simply put, “cheating” to me means displaying any kind of behavior behind my partner’s back that I would not feel comfortable doing while in his presence. If I have to hide it; keep it a secret; or worry about what might happen if he found out, then it is a breech of trust and therefore detrimental to the integrity of our relationship and the credibility of my own character. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 to me, cheating is putting more energy into outside relationships so that they outshadow the importance of the primary relationships, physically or emotionally. So, pursuing a physical relationship (from kissing/petting to full blown sex) with someone who isn't your SO is definitely cheating in my book. Hugging is a grey area ... If this is a friend of the opposite sex and it's understood that there is no sexual interest between the two, hugging is okay. But if there's intent of a sexual relationship between the two, then it's a precursor to cheating. I've got a problem with porn and strip clubs, because I feel that they degrade women by making them into objects, dehumanizing both the woman and her viewers. And I'm of the opinion that when my husband vowed to forsake all others, it meant more than just promising not to f*ck other women while we are married. But that's just me. Flirting is a social skill, and it can be amusing when its harmless. I really don't consider it cheating, but it can be a precursor depending on the intentions of the parties involved. Spending time with someone of the opposite sex who isn't your partner is another one of those grey areas. When we can find the time, a former colleague of mine from the local paper and I try to meet for lunch; when I go home, I try to meet up with a former roommate of mine from college who also is a guy. Both are married, just like me, and I think all our spouses respect the fact that we've been friend for a while, and trust that our intentions aren't sexually motivated, because it's like seeing a family member. I guess it's about laying out the groundwork early, and telling each other what you're comfortable with and not comfortable with, and sharing your thoughts on what constitutes cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
MarieW Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 Well said quankanne!!! You put into words logically what i tried to say in 20 minutes of typing! Link to post Share on other sites
Jamie31 Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 -having sex with someone other than your partner - CHEATING -non-intercourse sexual activity with someone else (oral, petting, etc.) - CHEATING -looking at porn - NOT CHEATING -masturbation - NOT CHEATING -kissing other girls/guys - If they are family - NOT CHEATING, if friends- NOT CHEATING...if it's in a lustful way - CHEATING -hugging other girls/guys - NOT CHEATING.....but bordeline...depending on the person -openly flirting with other girls/guys - NOT CHEATING, but borderline -if you're a girl and straight, going to a club without your partner and dancing with another guy(s) - NOT CHEATING...and harmless if your man knows the other man -going out to dinner one-on-one with someone else (non-business) - just friends? NOT CHEATING -going out to a movie or other date activity one-on-one with someone else - just friends? NOT CHEATING Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 i agree with jamie Link to post Share on other sites
ziggue Posted January 6, 2006 Share Posted January 6, 2006 HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE OTHER THEN YOUR PARTNER. CHEATING: Non intercourse sexual activity with someone else (Oral, Petting, etc.) CHEATING: I consider Dirty Dancing and Lap Dancing in this catagory. LOOKING AT PORN. NOT CHEATING.: He doesn't watch it that often, when he does it doesn't bother me. Porn isn't an issue in our relationship. MASTURBATION. NOT CHEATING: No harm in pleasuring yourself. KISSING OTHER GIRLS/GUYS. CHEATING: If it's in a lustful, sexual way. NOT CHEATING: If it's a quick peck on the cheek, a polite hello kiss. HUGGING OTHER GIRLS/GUYS. NOT CHEATING: I see hugging as a friendly harmless gesture. OPENLY FLIRTING WITH OTHER GIRLS/GUYS. NOT CHEATING: As long as it is friendly harmless flirting and both parties don't go too far. IF YOU ARE A GIRL AND STRAIGHT, GOING TO A CLUB WITHOUT YOUR PARTNER AND DANCING WITH OTHER GUY(S). CHEATING: If you are rubbing up against him and start dirty dancing with him. NOT CHEATING: When I am with my mates in a big group and some guys come over and dance with us at arms length. I don't consider having a quick dance with someone from the opposite sex cheating either. As long as they don't get too close and start rubbing up against you. GOING OUT TO DINNER ONE ON ONE WITH SOMEONE ELSE (NON BUSINESS). NOT CHEATING: As long as I know about it and he doesn't lie about it to me. No harm in catching up with friends from the opposite sex. GOING OUT TO A MOVIE OR ANOTHER DATE ACTIVITY ONE ON ONE WITH SOMEONE ELSE. NOT CHEATING: As long as I know about it and he doesn't lie about it to me. He doesn't have very many female friends that he hangs out with on his own. That's not an issue with us. That's fine but I would wonder why I couldn't come. I automatically get invited to things when he hangs out with his mates. Link to post Share on other sites
csfong007 Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 When you are totally physically and emotionally involved with another person who is not your significant other. Link to post Share on other sites
chrissy123 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 having sex with someone other than your partner-cheating -non-intercourse sexual activity with someone else (oral, petting, etc.)-cheating -looking at porn-not really cheating but disrespectful -masturbation-depends if he is thinking about me ok... thinking about someone esle cheating -kissing other girls/guys-cheatin -hugging other girls/guys-depends if its a friendly hug-not cheating or a flirty hug-cheating -openly flirting with other girls/guys-cheating -if you're a girl and straight, going to a club without your partner and dancing with another guy(s)-cheating -going out to dinner one-on-one with someone else (non-business)-depends on who it is.. someone he met a week ok?--not ok. his best female friend since 1st grade ok. -going out to a movie or other date activity one-on-one with someone else-same as above Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Hi effervescence, Well, these are just my guidelines/opinions in response to your question; -having sex with someone other than your partner Definitely unfaithful and if my bf ever did it I'd be tempted to damage him and her! -non-intercourse sexual activity with someone else (oral, petting, etc.) Not as bad as having sex with them but yes, still unfaithful and possibly a "sacking" offence -looking at porn Hmmmm!!! Not unfaithful - but I wouldn't like it and would wonder what was wrong with ME or our sex life that he felt the need to do it! -masturbation Not unfaithful at all, completely normal. As above, if it was porn he masturbated to I would have to think about it but if he's using his imagination or thinking about me then even better. Mutual masturbation is good too. -kissing other girls/guys Depends on the kiss. A peck on the cheek to a friend or relative is fine but if he full on kissed some girl it would be unfaithfulness as far as I'm concerned! -hugging other girls/guys That's fine and not unfaithful - as long as it's not a sexual, groping kind of hug. -openly flirting with other girls/guys My bf flirts with my friends in an innocent, joking kinda way and he's usually cuddling me at the time so I don't mind that but if he was out without me and I heard he was flirting with some stranger I wouldn't like it, but it's not exactly unfaithful. -if you're a girl and straight, going to a club without your partner and dancing with another guy(s) I have done this and I'm sure my bf has too, I don't consider it unfaithful having a quick dance with someone as long as it's not a slow one with lots of touching, that's different and borderline unfaithful. -going out to dinner one-on-one with someone else (non-business) Unless it's a same sex friend or relative I would consider this extremely dodgy and possibly leading to unfaithfulness. -going out to a movie or other date activity one-on-one with someone else Depends what it is. My bf has been to the cinema a couple of times with a female friend and another male friend, this was fine. If it was just him and her it would probably still be fine but I'm unsure. Most people have friends of both sexes and it's natural to do stuff with them but it depends what that stuff is. Just my opinions, be interested to read other people's. I agree completely with this answer!! My God what has happened to me? Link to post Share on other sites
My_Other_I Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 -having sex with someone other than your partner yes -non-intercourse sexual activity with someone else (oral, petting, etc.) yes -looking at porn alone - no (I would join right in ) with the other person - no, but it's headed to more serious situation. I doubt you would talk about the meaning of the 'movie' afterwards. -masturbation alone - no with the OP - yes -kissing other girls/guys yes (unless it's a kiss on the cheek) -hugging other girls/guys no -openly flirting with other girls/guys no. I think it's healthy - your SO can see that he/she still has it going for him/her -if you're a girl and straight, going to a club without your partner and dancing with another guy(s) no -going out to dinner one-on-one with someone else (non-business) no, as long as your SO knows about it -going out to a movie or other date activity one-on-one with someone else the so called 'date activities' are also things that friends do together. I wouldn't consider it as cheating as long as I knew about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Candied-Heart Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 Simply put, “cheating” to me means displaying any kind of behavior behind my partner’s back that I would not feel comfortable doing while in his presence. If I have to hide it; keep it a secret; or worry about what might happen if he found out, then it is a breech of trust and therefore detrimental to the integrity of our relationship and the credibility of my own character. This is a perfect description of cheating. 5 stars Link to post Share on other sites
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