Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 Your response had changed from the usual tape in his head regarding such. Men have these tapes which they put in boxes. Situation arises, man pulls tape out of box; plays tape. It's a comfort zone. You moved him out of his comfort zone and he has to make a new tape to put in the "I'm going snowboarding" box. The important thing is that your words to him were honest. The tapes don't lie, if you get my psychological meaning Does that mean he is mad or upset I changed "the tape?" My words were honest, I had things to do that day, girly things, so it was good to go do stuff on my own. I'm starting to find that when we have our own space to do things we want, we bicker/argue less and have a better time when we are together again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 but the thing is he said he wanted her to be more independent and go out more etc... Maybe if he makes another comment just tell him you took him up on his advice to get your own life. I always had the feeling thought that he likes you pinning away waiting for him to come home even though he complains about it. Yeah, he has this vision of me having a beer ready for him when he comes home and taking his jacket to hang up (similar to June Cleaver). I guess the idea is that by being more independent he will realize that he will need to commit to me so that nobody else can have me. Because that could happen at anytime, I'm not latched on to him like a little toy. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Yeah, he has this vision of me having a beer ready for him when he comes home and taking his jacket to hang up (similar to June Cleaver). I guess the idea is that by being more independent he will realize that he will need to commit to me so that nobody else can have me. Because that could happen at anytime, I'm not latched on to him like a little toy. I think the idea should be that by being independent you are leading a full life and making yourself happy regardless of whether or not he wants to marry you. You are getting yourself back. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Does that mean he is mad or upset I changed "the tape?" My words were honest, I had things to do that day, girly things, so it was good to go do stuff on my own. I'm starting to find that when we have our own space to do things we want, we bicker/argue less and have a better time when we are together again. IDK. He was confused by a response which didn't match the tape. How does he process confusion? I get annoyed Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 I can't tell you how to make change or gradual change because the two of you have to work this out by yourselves. I would recommend that you incorporate him as part of the change v. becoming a point of resistance, fear, confusion, anger, reciprocating games and finally withdrawal. Link to post Share on other sites
Stockalone Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 How do I "ease into it?" He is def. noticing the change in me, he has commented on it a few times. He told me he was going snowboarding the one weekend and I usually say "aww, okay but that's our quality time together." Instead I said "Okay cool honey, have fun!" He looked at me like I was nuts and asked me why I wasn't "moping." TBF already answered this and I agree with her. I would just like to add something. If you change, and he is already noticing it and it apparently confuses him, then he will ask himself: Why? If you only speak to him through actions (change), he has to draw it's own conclusions about the "why". That can be a good thing or a bad thing. Most men don't deal well with confusion. That doesn't mean he will assume the worst. But, I think you can avoid that he assumes the worst. By talking to him about why you want to change things, where you are going with this change. That gives him concrete information, an angle from which he can approach this change. I think that is what TBF meant with incorporating him. Let him know what is going on and why. That will lower the risk for misunderstandings, which could otherwise arise and eventually turn into problems if they aren't addressed early on. Link to post Share on other sites
movingonandon Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Yeah, he has this vision of me having a beer ready for him when he comes home and taking his jacket to hang up (similar to June Cleaver). I guess the idea is that by being more independent he will realize that he will need to commit to me so that nobody else can have me. Because that could happen at anytime, I'm not latched on to him like a little toy. There's a major problem with this reasoning - he should want to commit to you because you're great, not because you could slip away. Everybody could slip away, and sometimes it's welcomed . Not to mention that you will lose the already small amount of respect you have for him if he buys into this blackmail and marries you for all the wrong reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 There's a major problem with this reasoning - he should want to commit to you because you're great, not because you could slip away. Everybody could slip away, and sometimes it's welcomed . Not to mention that you will lose the already small amount of respect you have for him if he buys into this blackmail and marries you for all the wrong reasons. BINGO. I've told you this before, LB. You're manipulating him into marrying you, which will only further exacerbate your insecurities down the road because you'll question WHY he proposed and never really know the answer. Link to post Share on other sites
unacceptable62 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Spoken as a guy in the (seemingly) same situation as your boyfriend (in regards to the marriage thing), I can say that nothing tunes me out more than my girlfriend asking about (subtly or not) when I think I am going to propose. If she started changing her personality in a way that seemed like she was trying to induce it via jealousy, I would have a sit down and scold her about it. On the other hand, you becoming more independent is fantastic. I strongly encourage that any woman in a promising LTR realize that there are other things out there than their SO. After all, nothing is ever final. You don't want to waste years of your life being clingy to someone that potentially isn't the one. That dress is very unrevealing. I admit that I used to have a big problem with my girlfriend wearing certain things in situations where I am not present. (Those of you knocking it, it is a big step in the trust department to get over stuff like that). My best advice is that you sit him down and tell him that you are going to wear that dress, but you absolutely would never even think of doing anything resembling cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Thanks guys, you all made a lot of sense. I don't want to manipulate him into marrying me and it does seem like I'm doing that. I just don't think he's ready, I don't think it really has to do with me right now. I think he just wants to be a bachelor and party with his friends. His best friend called last night and invited himself over to our apartment to watch the superbowl with him after my BF had already agreed to come over to my parents with me. He "ran it by me" and I told him I would rather his friend not come over because I have to go to work the next day and when I get back from my parents it will be late. They will be all drunk and rowdy and I don't feel like dealing with that. Plus the apartment will be trashed. I don't like the fact that he already made plans with me and his friend calls and he goes running. But my compromise will be that they can go to a bar and watch the superbowl if he doesn't want to come to my parents. He said I was "being naggy" because I told him I wanted to watch the superbowl and he already agreed. He thought I was being naggy because he didn't get the answer he was looking for. I think this is a justified situation for me to stand my ground. There is a difference between giving him space and letting him pull one over on me. Link to post Share on other sites
MindoverMatter Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 His best friend called last night and invited himself over to our apartment to watch the superbowl with him after my BF had already agreed to come over to my parents with me. He "ran it by me" and I told him I would rather his friend not come over because I have to go to work the next day and when I get back from my parents it will be late. They will be all drunk and rowdy and I don't feel like dealing with that. Plus the apartment will be trashed. I don't like the fact that he already made plans with me and his friend calls and he goes running. But my compromise will be that they can go to a bar and watch the superbowl if he doesn't want to come to my parents. He said I was "being naggy" because I told him I wanted to watch the superbowl and he already agreed. He thought I was being naggy because he didn't get the answer he was looking for. I think this is a justified situation for me to stand my ground. There is a difference between giving him space and letting him pull one over on me. You're absolutely right. If you have valid reasons (and going to work is a valid reason) then you have every right to veto a party at your own apartment. That's not naggy at all. Don't let him use this as an excuse for inconsiderate behaviour from his side. Make your point, stand your ground and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 You're absolutely right. If you have valid reasons (and going to work is a valid reason) then you have every right to veto a party at your own apartment. That's not naggy at all. Don't let him use this as an excuse for inconsiderate behaviour from his side. Make your point, stand your ground and move on. Thanks. I'm putting my foot down on this. I'm sure he'll be pissed but oh well. It was dumb of him to even do that in the first place. They just want to get drunk and play with their dumb orks. (orks are these weird action figures that they paint and pretend to "do battle." You know the movie "The 40 Year old Virgin" when Steve Carrel is paining the little action figures under the lamp? That's what they look like. You'd think 27 year olds would be a little old for that... Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I just told you this, but seriously - what GROWN MAN would choose to play with action figures with his friend than spend time he already committed to his girlfriend?!?! He's an immature baby, LB. You're lightyears ahead of him. He wants you to wait until he's at your level maturation wise, and who knows if that will EVER happen. Link to post Share on other sites
MindoverMatter Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Thanks. I'm putting my foot down on this. I'm sure he'll be pissed but oh well. It was dumb of him to even do that in the first place. They just want to get drunk and play with their dumb orks. (orks are these weird action figures that they paint and pretend to "do battle." You know the movie "The 40 Year old Virgin" when Steve Carrel is paining the little action figures under the lamp? That's what they look like. You'd think 27 year olds would be a little old for that... Is the game called Warhammer? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Is the game called Warhammer? YES!!! He's so obessed, he has all these books on it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
MindoverMatter Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Haha. It's addictive. But to be fair it's not "playing with action figures", more like chess with funny figures. All about logic and strategy. (That doesn't make his behaviour any less stupid.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Haha. It's addictive. But to be fair it's not "playing with action figures", more like chess with funny figures. All about logic and strategy. (That doesn't make his behaviour any less stupid.) Well, I don't mean to offend you but I think they are stupid and he's too old to neglect his girlfriend to play some dumb game. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Well, I don't mean to offend you but I think they are stupid and he's too old to neglect his girlfriend to play some dumb game. Hear hear!!! Amen sista! This is just ridiculous. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. He's making me mad. Link to post Share on other sites
MindoverMatter Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 It's a hobby, he should be able to have fun on his own once in a while. However, he needs to learn to respect your life and your work as well as you need to respect his. Link to post Share on other sites
oceangrl Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 But my compromise will be that they can go to a bar and watch the superbowl if he doesn't want to come to my parents. Did he agree to this compromise? I think he's already getting it easy with your offer to let him do this instead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 It's a hobby, he should be able to have fun on his own once in a while. However, he needs to learn to respect your life and your work as well as you need to respect his. A hobby????? He spends hours, days, on end playing that "hobby." I think he is too old, plus acts like a jerk when I want him to stop. When we go home to his parents he plays that game for 9 hours with his friends! And I just sit there! Finally the last time I went there I just stayed at his families house and hung out with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Did he agree to this compromise? I think he's already getting it easy with your offer to let him do this instead. No I didn't talk to him about it. We went to bed with it unresolved because he said I was acting "irrational." I'm sure we will talk about it tonight, I don't know what I'll say. I am going to tell him that I want him to come to my parents, I don't know what he will say though. His friend is NOT coming over so that is not an option. If they opt to go to a bar together he will be sleeping on the couch. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I marvel at this guy's ability to keep an intelligent woman, a psychologist no less, engaged in a relationship. If he was acting like a grown-up, she'd have left a long time ago. I really think we need to start a separate thread on the Super Bowl deal.....and then there's V-day coming up. It's always something Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 I marvel at this guy's ability to keep an intelligent woman, a psychologist no less, engaged in a relationship. If he was acting like a grown-up, she'd have left a long time ago. I really think we need to start a separate thread on the Super Bowl deal.....and then there's V-day coming up. It's always something Oh geez we haven't even got to V-day yet. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 :lmao:Shall I start a thread for you? I know...wear the dress you wore in LV Link to post Share on other sites
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