Engagement Disaster! (long, sorry)

[andwhoknew]

I’m 32, BF is 33, together for 4-1/2 years and living together for 3 (he moved in). We hold ourselves out as a couple. We had very clear talks that marriage was the way the relationship was heading and that we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives.

 

So 4 years in, no ring. I made it clear (again) that marriage was what I was looking for. I told him (nicely) if this relationship wasn’t heading toward marriage, it was over. He assured me marriage was his goal also. He even showed me a sketch of a ring he was designing and told me he had a secret "wedding fund" to help pay for the big day. Oh good! Relief! Just give him some time.

 

6 months later, we have a romantic vacation planned. I think maybe this is it. Before we leave, I figure out that No Engagement Is Forthcoming and No Plans Are Being Made. I am Not Willing To Wait Indefinitely. So I told him we needed to set a date and get the ball rolling. So he says, reluctantly, “How about 2012?” WHAT?!?! When I asked to consider something sooner, he said, “Why does it have to be on your timeline?” Ouch. He then asks why it’s so important anyway, why should the government be involved? A total flip-flop on our discussions. Anyway we rehash the points made 6 mos ago and agree on a date in 2010.

 

At this point I’m nervous but maybe he just got “comfortable” especially since we live together. He’ll plan fun vacations together 3 years out, so I don’t think commitment to me is the issue. And I don’t think it’s reluctance to have a wedding, he’s said he wanted a wedding with family and all the trappings.

 

But... Since we got "engaged", he has shown zero interest in anything marriage-related except for looking at an engagement ring for himself. He changes the subject when it comes up. He’s doesn’t seem proud of our life commitment. He said he wanted to get me a ring (I said I didn’t need one), but when we go look for one, he appears completely uninterested. Like, “he’ll wander away into the NFL store” uninterested. I asked him once if he still wanted to get married, because we could call it off if he wasn’t sure. He said no he doesn’t want to call it off. But I’m getting so many mixed signals it all looks like static.

 

My mother knows we’re engaged, she’s visiting on Thursday. We haven’t told his parents yet because we wants to tell them together at a dinner next week(!) with my Mom. Do I wait and see how he presents it to his parents? (It will be much easier to break it off – if we’re going to – before they know.)

 

I love him, but it feels like my heart is being dragged across a cheese grater. I feel unloved and unwanted. I cried this out yesterday and he said.... nothing. Please help me get some perspective. Maybe he wants to get married, but "someday" which is not in the foreseeable future and to "someone" who may not be me? Can anyone make sense of this mess?

[Island Girl]

And I don’t think it’s reluctance to have a wedding, he’s said he wanted a wedding with family and all the trappings.

 

Are these his words? Because if they are the use of the word "trappings" is extremely telling. You have to be able to see this, right?

 

But... Since we got "engaged",

 

You didn't really get engaged. You pushed until you got him to agree. Is that how you want to get married?!! Twisting a guys arm until he says "uncle"? Or do you want a guy who is just as willing as you are to be standing there at the alter?

 

Honey, you can push and push but even if you succeed in marrying this guy the way it is happening - with him NOT being a fully willing participant - you are asking for marital problems from the very beginning.

 

he has shown zero interest in anything marriage-related except for looking at an engagement ring for himself.

 

Because he does not really want to get married. He really doesn't. He wants to remain the way you are. He is comfortable with that and completely uncomfortable with marital commitment.

 

Have you thought about couples counseling? That should be your push NOT marriage. There are some issues that arenot being discussed and have yet to be uncovered. If this is the guy you want - you are going to have to accept the fact that he is NOT where you are as far as openness to commitment. And he may never be.

 

He changes the subject when it comes up. He’s doesn’t seem proud of our life commitment.

 

It is freaking him out. He doesn't want to acknowledge it because it is something that is being forced upon him. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. You are demanding a marriage and he is being dragged almost kicking and screaming in that direction. But you can not be surprised that he is NOT happy about it or joyful about the result. He doesn't really want it. Perhaps it is he doesn't want it now - maybe he will later - but he doesn't want it now. And if your prusue it the way you are he will not be filled with peace love and haoppiness on your wedding day either.

 

He said he wanted to get me a ring (I said I didn’t need one), but when we go look for one, he appears completely uninterested. Like, “he’ll wander away into the NFL store” uninterested. I asked him once if he still wanted to get married, because we could call it off if he wasn’t sure. He said no he doesn’t want to call it off. But I’m getting so many mixed signals it all looks like static.

 

You aren't getting mixed signals. He is showing you by action he does not want to get married right now. He may never want to.

 

But he knows if he tells you that there is the possibility he'll lose you. And he doesn't want that either. Where did he get that idea? YOU. I am quite sure you have had the conversations where you say you want to get married or he needs to "let you go".

You have proposed it as marriage or else. He doesn't want the or else. So he is begrudgingly agreeing to the marriage.

 

My mother knows we’re engaged, she’s visiting on Thursday. We haven’t told his parents yet because we wants to tell them together at a dinner next week(!) with my Mom. Do I wait and see how he presents it to his parents? (It will be much easier to break it off – if we’re going to – before they know.)

 

Amazing. And you didn't tell your mom that it basically is the result of an ultimatum of sorts. You didn't tell her that you are demanding marriage and pushing him into it, did you? Because if you had I would think she would tell you it is a marriage that will be starting off on completely the wrong foundation and with severe problems. You are basically laying all of the groudwork to end up divorced.

 

I love him, but it feels like my heart is being dragged across a cheese grater. I feel unloved and unwanted.

 

Is that how a bride usually feels? No.

Unloved and unwanted - because this is all you. He is not coming to you willing and wanting to marry you. It will not give you happiness and satisfaction. It will not alleviate your angst. You will not have the outlook of embarking on a happy and wonderful life.

And that is what you should have as a bride and what he should have as a groom.

The way you are pushing to make it happen is all wrong.

 

I cried this out yesterday and he said.... nothing.

 

What is it that you think he should say? He should lie and say he is desperate to marry you and be your husband? He can't because it is untrue.

He should say he is not ready forall of this and feels forced to do something he doesn't want to do? Really? While you are crying and upset already he is supposed to hurt you further? Because I am sure you have made it perfectly clear that you will leave - it will be over - he will lose you - or whatever language you used - if he does not marry you.

 

Big mistake girlfriend. Huge mistake.

[eclipseIDE]

I’m 32, BF is 33, together for 4-1/2 years and living together for 3 (he moved in). We hold ourselves out as a couple. We had very clear talks that marriage was the way the relationship was heading and that we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives.

 

So 4 years in, no ring. I made it clear (again) that marriage was what I was looking for. I told him (nicely) if this relationship wasn’t heading toward marriage, it was over. He assured me marriage was his goal also. He even showed me a sketch of a ring he was designing and told me he had a secret "wedding fund" to help pay for the big day. Oh good! Relief! Just give him some time.

 

6 months later, we have a romantic vacation planned. I think maybe this is it. Before we leave, I figure out that No Engagement Is Forthcoming and No Plans Are Being Made. I am Not Willing To Wait Indefinitely. So I told him we needed to set a date and get the ball rolling. So he says, reluctantly, “How about 2012?” WHAT?!?! When I asked to consider something sooner, he said, “Why does it have to be on your timeline?” Ouch. He then asks why it’s so important anyway, why should the government be involved? A total flip-flop on our discussions. Anyway we rehash the points made 6 mos ago and agree on a date in 2010.

 

At this point I’m nervous but maybe he just got “comfortable” especially since we live together. He’ll plan fun vacations together 3 years out, so I don’t think commitment to me is the issue. And I don’t think it’s reluctance to have a wedding, he’s said he wanted a wedding with family and all the trappings.

 

But... Since we got "engaged", he has shown zero interest in anything marriage-related except for looking at an engagement ring for himself. He changes the subject when it comes up. He’s doesn’t seem proud of our life commitment. He said he wanted to get me a ring (I said I didn’t need one), but when we go look for one, he appears completely uninterested. Like, “he’ll wander away into the NFL store” uninterested. I asked him once if he still wanted to get married, because we could call it off if he wasn’t sure. He said no he doesn’t want to call it off. But I’m getting so many mixed signals it all looks like static.

 

My mother knows we’re engaged, she’s visiting on Thursday. We haven’t told his parents yet because we wants to tell them together at a dinner next week(!) with my Mom. Do I wait and see how he presents it to his parents? (It will be much easier to break it off – if we’re going to – before they know.)

 

I love him, but it feels like my heart is being dragged across a cheese grater. I feel unloved and unwanted. I cried this out yesterday and he said.... nothing. Please help me get some perspective. Maybe he wants to get married, but "someday" which is not in the foreseeable future and to "someone" who may not be me? Can anyone make sense of this mess?

 

 

 

If your number one goal in life is to get married leave him then, You made it clear so quit whining and leave. It obvious he is scared to get married so dont expect him to be happy. Try asking him what he's scared about instead of just feeling sorry for yourself.

 

Also why dont women understand why men dont want to get married. Read the other post on this website. Men get wiped out by women most of the time during a divorce. This is why most men do not want to get married. Your sweet wife decides she doesnt like you anymore and next thing you know you are on the street broke.

 

I noticed you couldnt even tell him why you want to get married. Do you even know why you want to get married?

[andwhoknew]

Hi Thanks for your response I appreciate it. "Trappings" was my word, not a direct quote. By that I mean he wanted the cake, the party, the food, etc. Sorry, maybe I am not using the word correctly. I have never gotten the sense that he felt trapped into anything, until this recent debacle.

 

I have been very clear and upfront about what I wanted, my question is, if this guy has no intention of getting married, why would he string me along for 4 years? And why would he design a ring, and put money away -- there was no pressure to get married at the point when we talked about that. And why would he agree to get married if he didn't want to? It doesn't make sense to me.

 

What I wanted him to say was, "Gee honey this isn't working out, I don't want to get married" or "Wow I'm not sure what I want" or "Yes I want this" or "I'm sorry you're hurt, I don't know how I feel, let's talk later" or "This was a huge mistake" or, you know, SOMETHING. Even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Because I would rather know the truth. I have also let him know that I absolutely don't want to push him into anything, I want this to be a joint decision.

 

It wasn't an ultimatum when we set the date. It was in the spirit of, "let's get this moving," not "agree right now or I will leave you this instant". I agree reading the original post it's hard to get that. But I have to disagree with one thing you said, where you said it was a mistake that I asked. Maybe it was a mistake -- but I needed to know whether this was going anywhere or if I was just going to wait in relationship limbo for another 4 years. In that sense maybe I just rescued 4 years of my life?

 

I have been divorced before believe me I know marriage is not all roses and sunshine either. I do absolutely only want to get married if he is 100% on board with the idea. I'm sorry, let me say that again. It is really important. I do absolutely only want to get married if he is 100% on board with the idea. I prefer splitting up rather than push someone into it.

 

Based on your response I understand that you think he doesn't want to get married and can't/won't tell me the truth about what he's feeling. Is that accurate? In that case, what should I do? I can think of 2 options, breaking it off (and by extension, break up) or not breathing another word about marriage/engagement/anything for a set amount of time and just giving more time to tell/demonstrate how he really does feel. Believe me this is weighing heavily on my mind.

 

He says he wants marriage but his actions are different. What kind of a guy says "Yes" to something like that, when he doesn't want to? It just seems so out of character for him. Sounds like this is not normal cold feet. Thanks for the fresh perspective and I'd really like to hear concrete suggestions on what to do now to salvage everyone's dignity, and in my heart of hearts I hope, the relationship.

 

I really appreciate your response. Thanks again. Feel free to knock some more sense into me if I'm not getting it

[Ramrod]

Your the only person responsible for your happiness. You seem to be allowing the future groom to dictate your happiness. I don't know anyone who would accept this kind of "pre-marital bliss" you two should get some counseling to find out if big boy's ready for marriage. My money says he isn't. Your young, but it doesn't sound like love to me.

[andwhoknew]

Try asking him what he's scared about instead of just feeling sorry for yourself.

 

I asked him why he wanted 2012, and he said the economy.

 

Also why dont women understand why men dont want to get married. Read the other post on this website. Men get wiped out by women most of the time during a divorce. This is why most men do not want to get married.

 

Wow. I have spent pretty much all day reading this website looking for similar situations. If a man doesn't want to get married (for whatever reason) they ought to just say that. If he comes out and says, "You know, I don't want to get married" I'm OK with that. The more I think about it it seems like he doesn't know what he wants. As for "wiped out," I am financially better off than him, I make more money, I have more assets, I own my own residence, if anything I would end up supporting him in a divorce . We have run a household together for 3 years and are both financially stable.

 

I noticed you couldnt even tell him why you want to get married. Do you even know why you want to get married?

 

Absolutely I have told him and I'm sorry for not making that clear. I want to get married because I want to hold us out to the world as life partners. I want to know that we consider each other when we make life decisions and that we promise to do the best we can for each other. I want to make a promise to be there for him in the future and I want him to do the same for me. I want to be with him for the rest of my life and I think the formalized commitment is important.

 

What I don't want is for us to end up in "relationship inertia" where we end up living together but uncommitted after years just because it's comfortable.

 

Basically I want to do the right thing. I want him to be happy. I want to give this relationship every chance I could. What I don't want is to emotionally withdraw because I resent not getting a commitment. That wouldn't be fair to either of us. Better to just commit or move on. That's what I was trying to do.

 

Thanks again for your response and I'm looking forward to hearing more.

[Enema]

Are these his words? Because if they are the use of the word "trappings" is extremely telling. You have to be able to see this, right?

 

I'm not sure if you know the definition of "trappings". It has nothing to do with a trap that catches something.

 

To the OP: I agree with the others that your guy doesn't want to get married.

 

You should work out two things:

 

1) Why you want to get married.

2) Why he doesn't want to get married.

 

Pushing him and ultimatums aren't going to make anyone happy in the long run. Problem solve, don't problem make.

[carhill]

OP, get some PMC.

 

my question is, if this guy has no intention of getting married, why would he string me along for 4 years?

 

Four years of companionship and horizontal mambo? What guy would piss in his Cheerios and toss all that away? I know guys my age who've made a career of keeping women waiting. They're much slicker than me. I marry a woman I love.

 

PMC will get you your truth, trust me. What you do with it is up to you. You've been married before, so you know the drill. Get a pre-nup and don't laugh at me. I didn't.

 

Best wishes

[andwhoknew]

1) Why you want to get married.

 

Good point, we're clear on that, please see above post.

 

2) Why he doesn't want to get married.

 

Good point, we're not clear on that, I would love to know that. Especially since everything leading up to this point has been indicating he wanted to. I have directly asked why it seems he's not interested, but he says he wants to get married. Do you have any suggestions for more subtle (or more effective ) ways to find out if this really is the truth? I don't want to harp on the situation, or nag him.

 

PMC will do it, but if like the first response suggested, I dragged him into marriage, would he not view this as dragging him even more. I am second-guessing everything about our relationship now.

 

Thank you for your response. I appreciate it.

[Island Girl]

Hi Thanks for your response I appreciate it. "Trappings" was my word, not a direct quote. By that I mean he wanted the cake, the party, the food, etc. Sorry, maybe I am not using the word correctly. I have never gotten the sense that he felt trapped into anything, until this recent debacle.

 

So at least that wasn't his word.

 

Has he initiated some the conversations? Has he stepped up to be part of the planning? Actions speak louder than words. I have always paid more attention to what is done than what is said.

 

I have been very clear and upfront about what I wanted, my question is, if this guy has no intention of getting married, why would he string me along for 4 years? And why would he design a ring, and put money away -- there was no pressure to get married at the point when we talked about that. And why would he agree to get married if he didn't want to? It doesn't make sense to me.

 

Maybe he does want to get married...eventually. Maybe he sees you as the perfect woman for him. But he just is terrified of the finality of the actual commitment.

 

Perhaps he has some intense fears when it comes to the marriage or being married. Maybe he is terrified of the responsibility or the normal expectations of a husband.

 

It is hard to say what is going on in his head. I can just tell you - and obviously you know - that there is conflict there.

 

What I wanted him to say was, "Gee honey this isn't working out, I don't want to get married" or "Wow I'm not sure what I want" or "Yes I want this" or "I'm sorry you're hurt, I don't know how I feel, let's talk later" or "This was a huge mistake" or, you know, SOMETHING. Even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Because I would rather know the truth. I have also let him know that I absolutely don't want to push him into anything, I want this to be a joint decision.

 

Okay -- so now I get the sense that you have put it out there - what you want - from the very beginning. And that you haven't been directing or demanding this.

 

But also in a sense I get the feeling that he knows if he says anything about not marrying you that the end may be near. Because it is what you want. And you have every right to set that expectation and want to get what you want.

I just think he doesn't want to lose you. The idea of getting married is fine but the actual getting married he really isn't ready for. Possibly soon. Not now.

 

It wasn't an ultimatum when we set the date. It was in the spirit of, "let's get this moving," not "agree right now or I will leave you this instant". I agree reading the original post it's hard to get that. But I have to disagree with one thing you said, where you said it was a mistake that I asked. Maybe it was a mistake -- but I needed to know whether this was going anywhere or if I was just going to wait in relationship limbo for another 4 years. In that sense maybe I just rescued 4 years of my life?

 

I don't think it was a mistake that you asked. I think the way this is going along is a mistake.

 

You should ask what he wants. But you did. And he didn't answer and doesn't feel he can be honest. It is either that or he doesn't even know himself why he is bothered by the idea of actually getting married.

 

I will say again- counseling should be a priority for sure.

 

I have been divorced before believe me I know marriage is not all roses and sunshine either. I do absolutely only want to get married if he is 100% on board with the idea. I'm sorry, let me say that again. It is really important. I do absolutely only want to get married if he is 100% on board with the idea. I prefer splitting up rather than push someone into it.

 

Well he isn't there with you right now. So do you want to invest in him, and wait it out, or do you want to move on to someone marriage minded right now.

 

I know it takes a lot of time and effort to find love. And even with tremendous time and effort it may not happen. So it is a difficult problem to be sure.

 

Based on your response I understand that you think he doesn't want to get married and can't/won't tell me the truth about what he's feeling. Is that accurate?

 

Yes that is accurate - if you are asking me. (I think you are.)

 

It isn't that he may not see himself eventually getting married. He just may like the idea of getting married but the reality scares him.

 

In that case, what should I do? I can think of 2 options, breaking it off (and by extension, break up) or not breathing another word about marriage/engagement/anything for a set amount of time and just giving more time to tell/demonstrate how he really does feel. Believe me this is weighing heavily on my mind.

 

I know I am going to really catch hell from some who will say hold on and hold on and hold on -- but yes. This is what I would do.

 

I would let him know that I want a loving permanent commitment. And yes I do have my own time line and that doesn't have to do with dates or days but it DOES have to do with a foundation in your life. That is what you want. And that you understand he is putting marriage off for some reason. But he isn't disclosing any information to you. You feel shut out and you do not feel that he is wanting to be married. You feel he is perfectly happy with the relationship as it stands. Which is fine. But you aren't.

 

You can give him the option of doing some couples counseling so the two of you can get an accurate picture of where each of you stand. What you are willing to concede and what you aren't.

 

Or you can do what I would do and that is have a serious talk. Outline unemotionally why you do not believe he is in the same place you are. That is not saying you do not think he wants to get married. Because he will just turn around and say he does.

 

It is outlining that he has voiced that he wants it to be further down the line, and that feeds your feeling that it may not happen at all and that you do not want to be the driver. You do not want to push him toward something he is not ready for. But because it has been 4 years, and you do not want to keep investing time into a relationship that may not develop into what you want, you must accept it and move on. If he is ever ready, and you are still available, you really hope you're the one. But you are not going to sit around waiting.

 

Here is your other option. You can wait it out with him. You can invest the time and not push for a date or a ring, etc. You can not discuss it ad let him come to the commitment on his own. However you will be putting your feelings on a shelf. If you are okay with that then that is a viable option.

I just couldn't put my feelings aside and be happy. But you may be different than I am.

 

Remember it has been 4 years. So you don't have to rush this decision. It may even be extremely beneficial to put it out there to him that you are thinking about what your options are and what you are willing and unwilling to do.

If you go this route - matter-of-factly put all of these options out there and then stay quiet. No matter what he says just let him know that you are doing some thinking. Ask him to refrain from telling his family about the engagement and tell your mom it is on hold right now. Just tell her that temporarily you have some other things going on and that is not where your focus is. And let him see you acting completely normal - even having great days - but NOT talking about the relationship - marriage or any of it.

 

He says he wants marriage but his actions are different. What kind of a guy says "Yes" to something like that, when he doesn't want to? It just seems so out of character for him. Sounds like this is not normal cold feet. Thanks for the fresh perspective and I'd really like to hear concrete suggestions on what to do now to salvage everyone's dignity, and in my heart of hearts I hope, the relationship.

 

I believe I gave you the suggestions above. I do hope that helps.

 

No, it does not seem like normal "cold feet" especially since the wedding day is no where near now - but more than a year away.

 

I really appreciate your response. Thanks again. Feel free to knock some more sense into me if I'm not getting it

 

You really are a sweet intelligent woman. I think you know all of this already you are just stuck.

 

It has got to be hard to want to spend the rest of your life with someone and want the actual affirmation of commitment and not be getting it - or at least not have the other person just as excited and sure.

 

I wish there was some other way I could help. In any event - you can come here and vent all you want.

[andwhoknew]

Four years of companionship and horizontal mambo? What guy would piss in his Cheerios and toss all that away?

 

Hah! Thank you for making me laugh, I needed that. Suspect it is close to the truth. It's heartbreaking, but that may be what it is.

[Posco_Proudfoot]

Good point, we're clear on that, please see above post.

 

 

 

Good point, we're not clear on that, I would love to know that. Especially since everything leading up to this point has been indicating he wanted to. I have directly asked why it seems he's not interested, but he says he wants to get married. Do you have any suggestions for more subtle (or more effective ) ways to find out if this really is the truth? I don't want to harp on the situation, or nag him.

 

PMC will do it, but if like the first response suggested, I dragged him into marriage, would he not view this as dragging him even more. I am second-guessing everything about our relationship now.

 

Thank you for your response. I appreciate it.

The important thing is if you love him. I'm reading a lot of the symbolism of the marriage from your posts.

 

Is it possible you may have given him the impression you just want to get married, and it doesn't really need to be him?

Sometimes men start feeling they're losing their individual freedom if pushed enough. Very true that you'll have to work with finding out what the issue is with getting a commitment from him. If you really love him, you'll figure that he is the one, and not marriage or move on.

[andwhoknew]

Island Girl thank you for your lengthy and well thought out response. I think to really do a reply justice I am going to have to sleep on it and do some more soul searching and really think about everything that was said. Thank you again and if I don't reply till tomorrow I just want you to know that it is helping me get things straight in my head in the meantime.

[lkjh]

Sounds like he really needs to grow up. I hate that stupid argument about the government getting involved. The concept of marriage is far older than our current government. If he isn't really getting into this then you may want to separate. You have already given him everything he "needs". Worry about yourself right now. I think it is usually a bad idea to move in with each other before marriage because it kind of lowers the need to get married. Maybe you should move out for a while and let him know you mean business.

[boldjack]

You two have lived together for 4 years. I believe that demonstrates that he is committed to you alone. You talk about "wasting", these years and maybe "wasting", 4 more. Is that how you feel about your relationship? Many couples have had long (30+years) relationships without marriage. (Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn come to mind) He is clearly happy with the status quo and you clearly are not, but it seems to be you, who is making this disagreement into a battles of wills. If you love him and he loves you, a piece of paper and a few spoken words seem to me to be a sorry reason to break up. I was married for 8 years and cheated on my wife, I lived with a woman for 10 years and was totally devoted to her because my love was more important to her than a golden ring.

[sb129]

Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell are another longterm couple who aren't married.

 

 

Do you really really want MARRIAGE or do you really really want HIM.

Are you prepared to have one without the other?

 

Ideally (in your world at least) you would like both. But sometimes we can't have what we want, especially when the will of another person is involved.

 

His feelings are just as valid as yours, and it sounds like his feelings aren't clear at the moment.

Not a good frame of mind to be going into a marriage with.

[lkjh]

You two have lived together for 4 years. I believe that demonstrates that he is committed to you alone. You talk about "wasting", these years and maybe "wasting", 4 more. Is that how you feel about your relationship? Many couples have had long (30+years) relationships without marriage. (Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn come to mind) He is clearly happy with the status quo and you clearly are not, but it seems to be you, who is making this disagreement into a battles of wills. If you love him and he loves you, a piece of paper and a few spoken words seem to me to be a sorry reason to break up. I was married for 8 years and cheated on my wife, I lived with a woman for 10 years and was totally devoted to her because my love was more important to her than a golden ring.

 

Thats you opinion. A lot of people(most of the world) believe marriage is far more important than any other form of relationship. This could because of religon or the way they are brought up. Also these few spoken words are a vow you make before God which is kind of a big deal. You say you lived; past tense. Are you still with that woman?

[boldjack]

I married her.

[lkjh]

I married her.

 

I guess your love wasn't enough. It seems like the golden ring made you two official.

[lkjh]

Andwhoknew, It seems like there are a few people that make it seem like you are asking to much. In reality the two of you had a agreement to get married. Wanting to be married is perfectly ok and it is not selfish to ask that of someone. What you do today determines tomorrow. A relationship can be broken anytime but a marriage is ment for life. Yes now of days people treat marriage like it is nothing but we know better. If he knew from the begining that this is what you wanted and he wants you, then he should figure out a way to make it happen.

[boldjack]

She WAS my lady friend, she IS my wife and the mother of my kids. That is the ONLY reason we married. Not because the world said that's the way it should be, or because our relationship wasn't "sanctified", or "official", but for more mundane reasons like insurance, inheritance and all the other impedia of modern living. Had we not decided to have children, our love would have remained the same. Our relationship with the almighty is none of your business.

[sb129]

Yes, but she can't FORCE her BF to marry her if he doesn't want to do it.

 

I wasn't that bothered about marriage to be honest, but I was absolutely delighted when he asked me (totally out of the blue) because it gave us a chance to make our commitment official in front of our family and friends. My H and I are both atheists, and making a vow in front of god was the last thing we thought of. It was a helluva party!

 

Point is- we BOTH wanted to do it.

One of the questions that legally has to be asked of the couple during the wedding ceremony is

"Do you both come here unhindered and of your own free will"?

 

Doesn't sound like the OPs BF would be able to answer that truthfully, and I think that its wrong that he should be getting married if he feels that way. He shouldn't have to marry her - his feelings matter too.

 

If she wants marriage more than she wants him, she should leave.

[lkjh]

When you post in on a public forum trying to discredit the value of marriage in other peoples eyes it becomes everyone's business. Im not trying to invade your personal space, I was just pointing out that your previous post you only told half of the story. Originally you made it seem like marriage is what failed and not getting married worked. You are the one that used your life as a example not me!

[lkjh]

Yes, but she can't FORCE her BF to marry her if he doesn't want to do it.

 

I wasn't that bothered about marriage to be honest, but I was absolutely delighted when he asked me (totally out of the blue) because it gave us a chance to make our commitment official in front of our family and friends. My H and I are both atheists, and making a vow in front of god was the last thing we thought of. It was a helluva party!

 

Point is- we BOTH wanted to do it.

One of the questions that legally has to be asked of the couple during the wedding ceremony is

"Do you both come here unhindered and of your own free will"?

 

Doesn't sound like the OPs BF would be able to answer that truthfully, and I think that its wrong that he should be getting married if he feels that way. He shouldn't have to marry her - his feelings matter too.

 

If she wants marriage more than she wants him, she should leave.

 

I agree. I don't think she should force him, if he doesn't want the same things then by all means leave.

[sb129]

Nobody is discrediting the value of marriage.

 

However if one party is doing it for the wrong reasons, THAT discredits the value of marriage.