engaged and hesitant

[Nina]

My boyfriend of a little over a year recently asked me to marry him. I love him, he's a great guy. He's very stable, dependable, handsome, successuful and devoted. He brings me flowers all the time, he treats me very well. We're both in graduate school, but he has a business he started that's doing well.

 

The problem is this: our familes are polar opposites. I'm bi-racial, so it goes without saying that my parents are open-minded. My family is loud and obnoxious, we have fun and laugh a lot, but they also accept people readily. I guess it's safe to say we wear our hearts on our sleeves. My fiance tells me that that's one of the reasons he loves me, I can't lie at all and every emotion I feel is plastered accross my face like a neon-light! We are also not really into organized religion. My mom is from another country, and she is the funniest lady you've ever seen. A little tiny woman from Korea who can cuss a trucker out like there's no tomorrow.

 

His family is white. Quiet, reserved, suburban. They are just really, really, REALLY normal. He said he's never seen his parents argue in front of him, they're both calm. They watch football, go to church every Sunday and are active church-members. Whenever I visit them, I feel so uncomfortable I want to jump out of my skin. Their house is so neat, I'm afraid to touch anything. I just don't feel comfortable being myself around them at all.

 

So I know when we get married, they'll be part of my family. I just do not look forward to hanging with his family. I feel so out of place and clumsy and messy and disorganized, and they don't really do anything to make me feel comfortable. If I'm alone in the room with his mother, she ignores me and I have to initiate conversation. She treats me like I'm a friend from college visiting with him, not his fiance. He even had to argue with them about me sleeping in his room. They wanted me to stay in the guest room on the other side of the house and once when I visited, I actually did, just so there wouldn't be any more tension.

 

I feel like they disapprove of me. I honestly don't care, but marriage is a big deal. I could just as easily live with my fiance for the rest of my life and be happy. But he wants the committment and now the wedding day looms and I am dreading the marriage because of them. I love him so dearly, I'll endure it if I have to. Any advise?

[Miranda]

Hi Nina-

 

I'm multi-racial, so I can feel where you're coming from.

 

How old are you two?

 

His parents sound like really uptight people...is your bf really different from them? Did you know each other for a while before becoming a couple?

 

In regard to not sleeping in the same room when you visit the parents, I wouldn't be too bothered by it. Many parents, not matter open/ closed minded, can get weird when thinking of their children having sex.

 

If you can, try not to let his parents get to you. It's probably not against you personally, just any love interest for their son. When/ if you marry, yes, you will have to include them in your life, but if they don't thaw out, you can just keep them at a polite distance and focus on your cool parents.

 

Best Wishes!

[Jesaco]

My boyfriend of a little over a year recently asked me to marry him. I love him, he's a great guy. He's very stable, dependable, handsome, successuful and devoted. He brings me flowers all the time, he treats me very well. We're both in graduate school, but he has a business he started that's doing well. The problem is this: our familes are polar opposites. I'm bi-racial, so it goes without saying that my parents are open-minded. My family is loud and obnoxious, we have fun and laugh a lot, but they also accept people readily. I guess it's safe to say we wear our hearts on our sleeves. My fiance tells me that that's one of the reasons he loves me, I can't lie at all and every emotion I feel is plastered accross my face like a neon-light! We are also not really into organized religion. My mom is from another country, and she is the funniest lady you've ever seen. A little tiny woman from Korea who can cuss a trucker out like there's no tomorrow. His family is white. Quiet, reserved, suburban. They are just really, really, REALLY normal. He said he's never seen his parents argue in front of him, they're both calm. They watch football, go to church every Sunday and are active church-members. Whenever I visit them, I feel so uncomfortable I want to jump out of my skin. Their house is so neat, I'm afraid to touch anything. I just don't feel comfortable being myself around them at all. So I know when we get married, they'll be part of my family. I just do not look forward to hanging with his family. I feel so out of place and clumsy and messy and disorganized, and they don't really do anything to make me feel comfortable. If I'm alone in the room with his mother, she ignores me and I have to initiate conversation. She treats me like I'm a friend from college visiting with him, not his fiance. He even had to argue with them about me sleeping in his room. They wanted me to stay in the guest room on the other side of the house and once when I visited, I actually did, just so there wouldn't be any more tension.

 

I feel like they disapprove of me. I honestly don't care, but marriage is a big deal. I could just as easily live with my fiance for the rest of my life and be happy. But he wants the committment and now the wedding day looms and I am dreading the marriage because of them. I love him so dearly, I'll endure it if I have to. Any advise?

Hi!

 

You are marrying him, not his family. Yes, you will be related, but so what. Your fiance loves you and is willing to stick up for you against his parents. That's all that matters. He doesn't let them put you down. All that ever matters in marriage is that the two of you are in love. And when you are put in a situation where you're alone with his parents, don't do anything. You can't make them like you. And if you're uncomfortable, then leave. Yes, they are your fiance's parents, so you will have to spend time with them from time to time. But only if you fiance is there too. Don't stick around if your fiance has to go somewhere. Either go with him, or go do something on your own. It took close to ten years for my parents to truly accept my husband, and even now, after twenty years, my husband still is not comfortable being alone with them. And they are not comfortable being alone with my husband. And none of this has had an affect on our marriage. We are still just as happy as we were the day of our wedding.

 

Congratulations on your engagement, and best wishes,

 

Jesaco

[Bliss]

As long as your fiance sticks up for you in front of his parents and understands and supports how you feel you shouldn't have any problems. From what you say, they don't sound like the proactive destructive or interfering types which would be an issue.

 

Does your fiance know how you feel? If he knows, he can make your life a little easier. My mother is really uptight too and makes people feel uncomfortable and I wouldn't force them to go there any more than necessary. My ex on the other hand had a blind spot when it came to his mother being cold to me - he defended her and made out that I wasn't making much of an effort. It's important to have that emotional separation from your parents so you can see them objectively.

 

Good luck and congratulations.