I didn't cheat but flirted and got caught...

[sw1911ct]

I have been with the first girl I've ever loved for almost two years now. We have had some really rocky times and have split up (from a week to a month) several times since we've been together. Right before Christmas I felt like things had really started to change for the better. Our conflict resolution was at an all time high and we were able to work things out a lot better instead of storming out the door in anger.

 

Before the tide in our relationship had this positive upswing, I had on occasion been in contact with old girlfriends, and to say the least I said some pretty inappropriate things regardless of the actual state of my relationship at the time. Of course I was too cowardly to sit down and tell her about these emails and myspace messages, I figured it would be a lot easier to simply stop the behavior and our relationship would continue to get stronger leaving that BS in the past.

 

Unfortunately she gained access to both my long term email account and my myspace account and spent a lot of time reading through everything and printing it all out and dropping it in my lap, telling me she never wanted to see me again.

 

I was at first shocked at having that behavior exposed, then embarrassed, then angry at her for finding it, then I finally settled on a profound guilt that what I had done was wrong and she certainly didn't deserve any of it.

 

We have since reconciled somewhat, but it has only been three weeks and obviously there is no trust there yet, and she's probably only halfway to forgiving me for my actions.

 

I am convinced that this girl is the love of my life. The best thing I could think of to tell her (besides apologizing and admitting how much of an a hole I was) is that if she could look into my heart as easily as she looked into those accounts she would know that would not, could not ever happen again. I am a fairly self-actualized person and I know that I am not lying to myself when I say that behavior will never happen again.

 

But I'm looking for help on showing her this. I know time is the biggest factor. But what else can I do? I am going to every effort to be super consistent and reliable with her. When I say I'll call I'll call, when I say I'll be somewhere I am. Of course I have deleted my myspace account and all contact info for those old girls in my email and my phone both for her and for myself.

 

The only good thing is that as much proof as she found of the crap talking she also saw that nothing ever came of it, and it wasn't a logistical issue I simply never wanted to actually cheat on her, I "only" wronged her through words.

 

Anyone been through this that can help?

 

edit: I forgot to mention that I am a big boy and I will be able to take it if you think I've really blown it and don't deserve another chance or her respect again...

[JennaGennaro]

I don't really advocate her snooping into your personal accounts, but you had to have known that what you did would come back and get you into trouble eventually.

 

My brother did this to a GF through an online dating thing. She was a little more clever, though. She set up a date with him anonymously and the idiot fell for it. She caught him red-handed. She dumped him flat and he was devastated - crying and trying to win her back, but she wouldn't take him back and rightfully so.

 

I thought he learned his lesson, but then he had another nice girl and did this when they were married. He claimed he didn't know why he did it either, but she found out. He deleted everything and (I believe) has not done anything sense. They now have a child and seem to be fine, but I know my brother and even if he said he wouldn't do it again, I betcha he would.

 

I guess you just have to avoid the temptation to do it again and prove to her that you can be trustworthy, but it may take some time for her to believe you. Hopefully this will blow over, but it may also cause her to examine the way you act with any girl you pass by or watch on the screen - you could have just played into her insecurities. Just keep doing the positive things that you are doing and be sweet to her - don't give her the tiniest reason to distrust you further.

 

I also think you did a little more than just flirting. I know you say you only wrote suggestive things, but I think it might border more on cheating (emotional) than flirting - at least that is how I would look at it if I were your GF.

[Trialbyfire]

If you crossed the line from lightly flirting to the inappropriate, you've cheated.

 

While you say that you would never do it again, before you did it, you probably never thought you would do it. If that's not the case, ask yourself why you would ever do it in the first place. Where is your moral line in the sand? Do you have one?

 

The impression I get is that you're feeling crappy, not so much as seeing what you did as something terrible but that you're more concerned about losing someone you value. So what happens when you stop valuing her in the future? What's going to stop you from doing it again?

[sw1911ct]

If you crossed the line from lightly flirting to the inappropriate, you've cheated.

 

 

So what happens when you stop valuing her in the future? What's going to stop you from doing it again?

 

 

Yes I did cross the line and if I were to read about her what she read about me I would imagine that she was completely ready to go out and be intimate with the guy she was having a conversation of this nature with.

 

Like I said, things had changed in our relationship. Because of the tides of our relationship and what I expected or believed to be the long term potential I acted differently than I did after this "revelation". I had already stopped making or responding to contact from these old beaus of the past. The latest thing she found was from several months before her revealing to me all the details.

 

Also, like I said, I truly believe I am a self actualized person, and I am honest with myself beyond what I would be comfortable being honest with anyone else... I KNOW I would never contact or respond to contact from these girls again (I've proven this to myself in the short time period). I KNOW that what I did was wrong even given the circumstances. I KNOW that I love her now beyond words or explanations and that if all I had to do was never repeat the same mistakes we will be fine because I have NO desire or inclination to do so.

 

So the point I'm at now is how to deal with someone who understandably so, has very very little trust in me.

 

I know she loves me as evidenced by her even talking to me at this point. I KNOW she will experience reminders that take her three steps back to the one step forward she has achieved. I'm WILLING to do anything to prove this to her. She still has all my passwords because I want to give her any proof possible that this isn't happening again. I know I could go create separate accounts to continue the bad behavior so this isn't proof enough.

 

It was more like, at bad times in our relationship I wanted to know whether or not I had other options. And that was totally wrong I know and would never do that again.

 

But I'm looking for tips or insight on how to prove this to her.

 

I've known couples that have gotten over worse (real cheating) and are stronger for it. I want to achieve that.

 

I'm willing to be patient and honest from here on out.

 

We talk almost everyday and I appreciate and love that fact. But almost each time we hang up it is very obvious that I'm the only one who says I love you.

 

My cheating heart, and I admit I had one, is dead. I only want to do what's right by her from now on.

 

Besides patience and understanding does anyone have useful tips?

[sarah8688]

well...i am one of those snooping types...and I feel so much guilt for it when i do it. but I just found some suspicious emails and texts from my bf and I have confronted him, although he says he didn't cheat, I and i honestly dont think he would, I still have that worry that he did. And if he didn't would he actually do it?

 

You broke her trust for you. Let her trust you. It sounds like she's a snoopy. Well, go through anything you think she has access to and delete anything you think she would find suspicious whether its legitimate or not. Doubt is what stirs suspicion. Build her trust by not closing windows out quickly when she walks in the room, be aware that that kind of stuff will just fuel her insecurities.

 

I can honestly say i don't fully trust my bf like i did. But I want to work on it and if she is willing to it should work out

[Trialbyfire]

sw, I responded like I was your g/f, going through trust issues. Your response doesn't give me comfort. You've avoided my questions or tangentially answered them. Go back and take a look at what I asked.

[sw1911ct]

If you crossed the line from lightly flirting to the inappropriate, you've cheated.

 

While you say that you would never do it again, before you did it, you probably never thought you would do it. If that's not the case, ask yourself why you would ever do it in the first place. Where is your moral line in the sand? Do you have one?

 

The impression I get is that you're feeling crappy, not so much as seeing what you did as something terrible but that you're more concerned about losing someone you value. So what happens when you stop valuing her in the future? What's going to stop you from doing it again?

 

sw, I responded like I was your g/f, going through trust issues. Your response doesn't give me comfort. You've avoided my questions or tangentially answered them. Go back and take a look at what I asked.

 

Ok I will give that a shot...

 

I just want to be clear that I'm not trying to justify what I did because there is no justifying it but I can try to tell you what I was thinking at the time.

 

Although I love her to pieces now, and (if we can get past this) I truly believe we have a bright future ahead of us. That is the biggest reason I don't think I will ever be tempted to act like this again. In fact I had already stopped long before she found this stuff out. It wasn't from the week or even the month before, it was from several months before.

 

Whenever we would disagree about something important or she was mad at me, she was so quick to storm out and not talk to me at all for days on end, I thought well man I love this girl but how can I believe in the long term potential of this relationship if this is the way she handles conflicts? That was the biggest reason I had doubts for us. And having doubts for us lead me to seek out other options. The right thing to do would have been to let her know I wanted to pursue other options. I know this.

 

But just a few months ago I had a talk with her about how important it was to me for us to be able to get past conflicts more effectively than walking out the door. She listened. We had several rough spots since then but we were able to sit down and talk it out and things were better much faster than before and I didn't have to feel helpless to do anything about it.

 

So partly because of this righting of the ship, and partly because I've just plain grown up (stopped drinking as much, quit smoking pot, paid bills on time etc.) I completely stopped talking to those girls and rarely signed on to myspace anymore. I was getting everything I needed from the relationship I was in and we even started talking about marriage.

 

Can't I feel terrible for what I did in conjunction with worrying over losing someone that is good to me and I care about? What makes these mutually exclusive? I guess you are referring to the balance between the two and in that case I would have to say that it is pretty evenly split.

 

Since we fixed our conflict resolution I can't really imagine how I would ever lose that belief in our long term potential again, i.e. to stop valuing her.

 

Does that address everything you brought up? I have explained this to her as well because of course her biggest question was why? You just have to be careful when explaining why as to not come across as sounding like you're trying to justify anything. It's a fine line.

[sw1911ct]

tangentially

 

btw great word use and I promise that wasn't my intent

[Trialbyfire]

So partly because of this righting of the ship, and partly because I've just plain grown up (stopped drinking as much, quit smoking pot, paid bills on time etc.) I completely stopped talking to those girls and rarely signed on to myspace anymore. I was getting everything I needed from the relationship I was in and we even started talking about marriage.

Continuation of role playing...

 

So what's to stop you from cheating again if the two of you hit a rough spot in the future and communications don't flow as smoothly, thus your needs aren't being met in the relationship? For example, if she becomes pregnant or has a family, whereby her energies are put towards that/them v. meeting your needs?

[D-Lish]

Continuation of role playing...

 

So what's to stop you from cheating again if the two of you hit a rough spot in the future and communications don't flow as smoothly, thus your needs aren't being met in the relationship? For example, if she becomes pregnant or has a family, whereby her energies are put towards that/them v. meeting your needs?

 

He'll do the same thing again.

[Trialbyfire]

He'll do the same thing again.

Still role playing...

 

That would be my concern with giving someone a second chance.

[sw1911ct]

Point taken, I understand exactly what you both are saying. I can really do nothing to prove myself but I will clarify this:

 

It was more than a rough spot that we hit. It was the whole dynamic of our relationship wasn't right but we stayed together anyway.

 

I mentioned that we have had rough spots since then, and I was never tempted to do anything but work them out.

 

It's not like everytime we have a tiff in the future I'm going to feel like I did 6 months ago.

 

And I'm not one of those people that asks for more than I would be willing to give. I've forgiven someone in the past for outright cheating on me and we were happy for the rest of that relationship until she moved away.

 

Also I trust that my SO will not repeat the same worst thing she's ever done to me. She basically was really drunk one night and hauled off and punched me in the eye. I had a black eye for a week. She was drunk and confused and I did nothing to deserve it (witnessed by all others present not just IMO). But hearing her apologize for it the next day was enough for me to trust that it wouldn't happen again. Not because she'll never be that drunk again, not because she'll never get angry with me again I'm sure she will. But she learned her lesson on that one and I don't exactly cower in the corner when I see her taking shots these days.

 

If it's fair to label me a hopeless serial cheat, then you would have to call her domestic batterer. I obviously disagree with both.

[bunk2406]

Thanks for the post on my thread. As i just read yours it brought back a lot of familiar feelings. Like you said people make mistakes...on both ends. Sorry...but I know how it feels to be the one on the other end, to have someone do those things behind your back...and it takes snooping to find it out. Trust me I myself didn't want to snoop...its disrespectful and wrong on my part (and hers), but we wouldnt have found out had we not. We wouldn't be able to have a "complete" relationship of truthfullness i guess. I think that it takes someone to be in our situation to really understand it maybe. Like no physical wrong was done. Maybe what he/you said wasn't idea or right in anyway...but who ever says all the right things? I pray that you and my SO as well have learned from your mistakes because you have both been given second chances by someone who really cares for you. And i guess i could tell you some things i've wanted my SO to do since it's happened to gain my trust back. It was a little different from day 1 with us since we were in a long distance realtionship...not something i loved, but i saw something in him that was worth trying..and as i continued to get to know him i found no reason(except for this) to doubt him. After it happened...i needed and loved to hear nice things from him. To get nice texts, emails, random cards or flowers. Now not all of those things can happen forever...but ANYTHING that shows that ur thinking about her...Don't get defensive when she gets angry or brings it up again...as soon as you get defensive she thinks you don't regret it. Basically do everything you can and everything she asks until you can be great again. I feel terrible when i bring stuff up again about what happened to my bf...but sometimes i just need reassurance that its ME he wants to be with forever. I know hes hurt because he did it and its not something hes proud of...but if you love her, just show it and let her know she's the only one who really matters.

[sw1911ct]

He'll do the same thing again.

 

By both of your logic, there is no acceptable answer to your question. If I had said any other reason; I was out of town and lonely, I was drunk, this girl I talked to started it and I couldn't refuse the temptation... I could think of a thousand bad reasons to act like an a hole, and none of them are good reasons! Also all of them are easily repeatable scenarios. So following that logic there is no way someone should ever be given a second chance! If you truly believe that then I will take your point of view in stride but I can do nothing to argue against it...

[D-Lish]

Still role playing...

 

That would be my concern with giving someone a second chance.

 

Well, in his defense- he's up against a couple of harsh critics.

 

I guess what TBF is getting at is; is it always "once a cheater, always a cheater?"

 

My view is yes. If you hit rough times again- you'll revert back to the same actions. I'll also go so far as to say- if you hit some really rough times, you'll take it a step further the next time and have a physical affair.

 

I don't mean to sound judgemental. I'm trying to be straight up. I know you love this girl, and I know you mean well. Just trying to discern if this is a one time mistake, or a hint of a future pattern.

 

What would you do if times got tough again? Do you think you'd act different? Be honest- you have nothing to lose on an anonymous forum.

[sw1911ct]

Well, in his defense- he's up against a couple of harsh critics.

 

I guess what TBF is getting at is; is it always "once a cheater, always a cheater?"

 

My view is yes. If you hit rough times again- you'll revert back to the same actions. I'll also go so far as to say- if you hit some really rough times, you'll take it a step further the next time and have a physical affair.

 

I don't mean to sound judgemental. I'm trying to be straight up. I know you love this girl, and I know you mean well. Just trying to discern if this is a one time mistake, or a hint of a future pattern.

 

What would you do if times got tough again? Do you think you'd act different? Be honest- you have nothing to lose on an anonymous forum.

 

I could never be more sure of myself when I say that while I can't guarantee that I will marry this girl one day (I hope and think so), I can positively say that I will always be faithful to the one I'm with from now on, and if things get so tough that I want to look at other options then yes, I will do so, but I will let her know that first. I could never have imagined looking into those once so loving and trusting eyes that are so hurt by my actions. It would be unfathomably worse if it happened again. I may not be good enough to have never made that terrible mistake, but I know I'm good enough not to repeat it. First of all because it is a tough lesson learned about honesty and being forthright. Secondly and more importantly because I would rather have to tell her it is not going to work than to hurt her in this way ever again. Period.

[D-Lish]

I could never be more sure of myself when I say that while I can't guarantee that I will marry this girl one day (I hope and think so), I can positively say that I will always be faithful to the one I'm with from now on, and if things get so tough that I want to look at other options then yes, I will do so, but I will let her know that first. I could never have imagined looking into those once so loving and trusting eyes that are so hurt by my actions. It would be unfathomably worse if it happened again. I may not be good enough to have never made that terrible mistake, but I know I'm good enough not to repeat it. First of all because it is a tough lesson learned about honesty and being forthright. Secondly and more importantly because I would rather have to tell her it is not going to work than to hurt her in this way ever again. Period.

 

That's the right way to go about it.

Sometimes it takes the consequence to shake things up and make someone realize what is truly important.

[sw1911ct]

That's the right way to go about it.

Sometimes it takes the consequence to shake things up and make someone realize what is truly important.

 

Thank you for at least believing in the possibility of learning from this mistake. I don't expect to convince you of my honesty in all this but there is only one person that needs to be.

 

I hear with some frequency people saying they have no regrets. I either don't believe them or am supremely jealous. As bad as this was it is probably not the worse thing I've ever done. But I'm also the kind of guy who can't drive by a stranded motorist (I know not the safest thing) or the kind of person that walks through a door without looking behind me to see if I can hold it open a second or two longer for someone else. I am so good in a lot of ways and my girl must know this and believe in it. Because she went from being angry enough to say she never wanted to see me again to opening up a dialogue about the whole situation. In which, I have admitted to doing other things (of a different nature) in the spirit of being honest about everything from here on out.

 

I know it's only short term and doesn't prove much, but I have gotten a flirty text in these past few weeks from an old girlfriend and I didn't respond to it or the one the next day asking what my problem is. There is no reason for me to mind burning those bridges and I don't. All I can do from here on out is act just like this and hope that time will heal, if not make us forget about my mistakes.

[Trialbyfire]

Why not respond to those texts, etc. with definitive responses that state you're involved, instead of ignoring them?

[sw1911ct]

She knows I'm involved. And I didn't want to open a dialogue on any level. That was a week ago, she got the point.

[D-Lish]

Thank you for at least believing in the possibility of learning from this mistake. I don't expect to convince you of my honesty in all this but there is only one person that needs to be.

 

 

Well that is the truth. You don't owe anyone on this board anything.

It's about you and your mate.

 

I'm no saint. I've got my demons and skeletons in the closet.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree he doesn't owe anyone on this board, anything. What he needs to do is to somehow work through the issues with the woman he loves.

 

Where this board can be of assistance, is to provide him with some insight about how someone who's been cheated on, might react to his responses, hence the role playing.

 

He's going to get a lot of tough love from his g/f. If he can't convince anyone on LS that he's sincere, then someone who knows him well, who can see through him better, is going to make mincemeat out of him, especially if she's hurt and lashing out.

[Star Gazer]

It was more than a rough spot that we hit. It was the whole dynamic of our relationship wasn't right but we stayed together anyway.

 

Explain, please.

[D-Lish]

I agree he doesn't owe anyone on this board, anything. What he needs to do is to somehow work through the issues with the woman he loves.

 

Where this board can be of assistance, is to provide him with some insight about how someone who's been cheated on, might react to his responses, hence the role playing.

 

He's going to get a lot of tough love from his g/f. If he can't convince anyone on LS that he's sincere, then someone who knows him well, who can see through him better, is going to make mincemeat out of him, especially if she's hurt and lashing out.

 

I'll be honest TBF, after having been there- I have far too many doubts.

 

I think OP is "fine" and focused right now- but I don't believe he'll change.

He doesn't "owe" us, on this board anything. It's a safe place to vent.

 

I think the BEST he and she can hope for at this point is, WHEN the boredom or turmoil sets in again, that he will do the right thing and break up with her.

 

Hey, I've been there- I am of the midset- "once a cheater, always a cheater".

 

I don't think you can change a cheater- but if that cheater has some remorse... at the very least- they may learn the merits of BREAKING UP with someone before humiliating them by cheating.

 

I think it's about recognizing that junction where a problem arises- and how to deal with it. Do you seek refuge elsewhere, or tackle the problem and stick with your partner.

 

I think OP means very well- I think he loves his gf... I think he truly believes that he can weather any storm that will come their way. I also think that if further turmoil arises that he will digress.

[Trialbyfire]

I think the BEST he and she can hope for at this point is, WHEN the boredom or turmoil sets in again, that he will do the right thing and break up with her.

 

I think it's about recognizing that junction where a problem arises- and how to deal with it. Do you seek refuge elsewhere, or tackle the problem and stick with your partner.

These two areas are key for the OP. Learning to do the right thing, no matter how difficult it might be for self.

 

I think OP means very well- I think he loves his gf... I think he truly believes that he can weather any storm that will come their way. I also think that if further turmoil arises that he will digress.

I agree that he believes he loves his gf. It's why I've even bothered responding at all.

 

Maybe he can change but in order to do so, his mindset has to change.

1. He has to know that this isn't the way to handle healthy relationships by looking externally.
   
2. He has to KNOW that cheating in itself is wrong, not just that it causes him to lose someone he values thus experiencing short-term remorse.
   
3. He also has to know that he can't defend himself to his g/f or respond in any way that's not directly answering her question in the way that gives her a feeling of comfort.