I didn't cheat but flirted and got caught...

[sw1911ct]

Explain, please.

 

 

Well I thought I had.

 

I thought that if every time we had an argument and her solution was to storm out (not just big arguments but little ones too) how much worse would that be later when if we are married and living together? That concern made it hard for me to believe we would make it in the long run. That had relatively recently changed, and we handled those conflicts that inevitably come up much much better. So while things weren't always perfect I knew we would still be able to work them out and move on.

 

There may still come a time where I get to feeling that way again. It will probably be over something else (I hope it's smoother sailing from here on out but I'm trying to be honest and realistic) but if it does, I will take a different approach. I will never lie to her and seek other avenues as a safety net while waiting things out with her. I've learned my lesson the hard way but I have still learned it but good. It was easier to do it the first time not because I didn't know it was wrong, but because I had never seen that level of hurt and pain in her before and that is something I will never forget. Not with her or with anyone else down the road.

[D-Lish]

These two areas are key for the OP. Learning to do the right thing, no matter how difficult it might be for self.

 

 

I agree that he believes he loves his gf. It's why I've even bothered responding at all.

 

 

Maybe he can change but in order to do so, his mindset has to change.

1. He has to know that this isn't the way to handle healthy relationships by looking externally.
   
2. He has to KNOW that cheating in itself is wrong, not just that it causes him to lose someone he values thus experiencing short-term remorse.
   
3. He also has to know that he can't defend himself to his g/f or respond in any way that's not directly answering her question in the way that gives her a feeling of comfort.
   

 

I know. I don't think change is possible. That's just me though.

it reminds me of things that still make me sad.

 

I hope at the very least he learns to recognize when things aren't okay, and tries to address them- instead of having an affair.

[sw1911ct]

Maybe he can change but in order to do so, his mindset has to change.

1. He has to know that this isn't the way to handle healthy relationships by looking externally.
   
2. He has to KNOW that cheating in itself is wrong, not just that it causes him to lose someone he values thus experiencing short-term remorse.
   
3. He also has to know that he can't defend himself to his g/f or respond in any way that's not directly answering her question in the way that gives her a feeling of comfort.
   

 

THANK YOU! That is the kind of thing I am looking for. It's not exactly a word for word guidebook on how to talk to her but it is what I need. I will think of how to make that advice fit my situation and carefully apply it.

 

Because even if I do everything right from here on out we might not make it. I know that I, on a daily basis, see and hear reminders of what I did so she is obviously experiencing the same and will for a long time to come. I am trying to be an open book to her. She still has all my passwords, and will never ask me a question about who that text or email is from, where I am or what I'm doing, or any other checking up on me that will make me get defensive. I will never have anything else to be defensive about and I've lost the right to the level of trust someone who has never done these things deserves. That may NEVER be regained but I am willing to face the music and answer up. I will actually be glad if she digs and digs and keeps coming up with clean hands, it's one of the few things that I can do for her to help my situation.

[sw1911ct]

I know. I don't think change is possible. That's just me though.

it reminds me of things that still make me sad.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with your view on this.

 

I am curious though how you came to this line in the sand. Was it because something similar happened to you and you want to safeguard that it will never happen again? Or is it because you know you would never make this transgression and that makes it completely unforgivable? Or is it both? Or something else?! I just want to know.

 

I hope at the very least he learns to recognize when things aren't okay, and tries to address them- instead of having an affair.

 

And if they can't be addressed there is a way to deal with that too. I always knew that but I just had to have it stamped on my forehead in such a way that I'll never forget it again.

[sw1911ct]

Just wanted to update you all on this situation.

 

Pretty much since this started I've been traveling for work. After a week of either bitter or NC since this all came out we started talking again. I did my best to explain why I acted like I had, without justifying it in any way. I also tried a real candid and honest explanation of why I knew I would never behave this way again.

 

I really thought I had made progress. We've talked almost every night that I've been gone, sometimes for hours just like we used to. Sometimes she wanted to talk about what happened and ask some more questions. I was always very honest with her and told her about more than she had already found out about, even though this was only beneficial from a coming clean and being honest approach. It certainly was tempting to go back to my old ways and lie more but I never did.

 

I came home for a long weekend on a break from my project and it was really nice. We spent all 5 nights together, made love, cuddled and made sweet talk. I never tried to act like things never happened the way they did, but of course I was going to be receptive to any time she was willing to spend with me.

 

That was a couple weeks ago. Since then things had been the same. I finally finished the out of town work and we had plans and everything for this weekend. Well, she said she got sick and couldn't see me. Nothing had changed, I hadn't done anything (else) wrong. She told me tonight that she had decided she just needed time away from me and wanted to just be friends. I told her that was awfully confusing it seems to me like it's either one or the other. I can't just go have lunch with her and talk on the phone like we used to after she dropped this bomb on me. I'm planning on NC for both our benefit but this always seems easier when you're fresh off the phone after one of these calls.

 

I don't know what to do. She says she needs more time to think. I don't want to be strung along and waste any more of either of our time if this just isn't going to work. I also don't want to press her with an ultimatum.

 

How would you all proceed? You have to pretend for a minute that you could possibly be in my shoes, even though I know most of you are smart and good enough never to actually be.

 

Regardless I know for a fact I will never put myself, her, or any future relationships through this. Not worth it doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. Even though I was the screwup we certainly have both suffered from this.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't know what to do. She says she needs more time to think. I don't want to be strung along and waste any more of either of our time if this just isn't going to work. I also don't want to press her with an ultimatum.

How would you all proceed? You have to pretend for a minute that you could possibly be in my shoes, even though I know most of you are smart and good enough never to actually be.

Regardless I know for a fact I will never put myself, her, or any future relationships through this. Not worth it doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. Even though I was the screwup we certainly have both suffered from this.

 

Everything this girl does is to put herself in power over you! That's why she drops you for a couple days after an argument.

 

You need to force her to respect you. That starts with making her choose. Tell her that if she does X, Y, Z, you will be 1000% faithful and constantly work hard the best man she could ever desire. However, your not going to put up with her jerking you around, so pick a date and make her choose by then. If she changes her mind after that point... dump her, it's over!

 

Honestly, I would not want a relationship with a woman like this.

 

The girls on here are giving you crap advice! Kick power trip chick to the curb. Let some poor no-self esteem, doormat, loser have her.

[AlektraClementine]

Well you could do what that guys says. OR you could do what she asks of you. If she wants you to be her friend, be her friend. Maybe it would be good for the two of you to spend some non-sexual time together. No strings attached friendship. If you love her and the "burden of proof" (so to speak) is on you, then do it. To prove that her comfort is YOUR priority right now.

 

That is, if you want her back. If not and that's just too much pride suckage for you....Don't. Let her go.

 

p.s. get some dialogue going with her about this. She thought a lot about things before she came to this new "turn". Ask her why. Ask her what she was thinking about when she came to it. You're being honest right now. Ask the same of her. She'd probably LOVE to tell you. And it will hurt. But like you said originally... you're a big boy. You can take it.

[sw1911ct]

I really have been oscillating between what fire says above and what alektra says. They are both the end of the spectrum.

 

I guess I'm just left wondering how long is enough time to decide whether or not she wants to make a real run at this? I'm not asking for a timeline to get over it, or that she ever truly will get over it so to speak. But there is no way I can continue to sit here for months on end and wait to see what she'll do.

 

She said she needed space. I told her either be very clear about that definition or I was going to back all the way off. She never really clarified it. She says a big part of how she used to feel about me is dead now.

 

I do think she has either just come to this conclusion, and I have no idea how and she wouldn't say, or she has been leading me on for the past two months. Maybe I deserve that but she really is a kind person and although she is not above playing games like this I don't think she would set out to hurt me.

 

I did tell her to call me if she changes her mind about repairing this damaged relationship. So I guess I will just have to wait and see where that goes.

 

This sure was a tough lesson to learn. I'm jealous of those smart enough not to have to learn it the hard way.

[nittanylion]

First of all, you cheated on her. You have no right to demand timeline from her when she is ready to commit to you or not . She trusted it you and your broke her trust by cheating on your ex., sneaky behind her back. She was faithful to you all the way and you blow the trust.

 

I dont think you are faithful cause by the way you are talking that " If I have a big fight with her, I will consider my other option?" WTF? I mean are you mature or adult enough to work through a conflict or problem with your gf? Not every freaking fight you have with your gf, and need to resort to the OPTION. You cant have both ways!!!!!! Grow up and be a man!

 

Right now, she don't trust because of what you did. You have a long way to go to prove to her that she can trust you.

 

I think she deserves some kind of respects by you giving her at leat 2 weeks to think what she wants out of this relationship. You were selfish in the beginning now give her a chance to be selfish, and let her assessed whether to go back with you or not.

[Trialbyfire]

That's the risk you take for attempting to reconcile. When trust and respect are lost in a relationship, it's a hard grind uphill, to try to repair what's lost.

 

You're welcome to take the bitter boy route or realize that there are no guarantees in life. Actions have consequences, sometimes permanent, sometimes not.

 

Having said all that, you cannot control this situation. Consider this a lost cause but walk away realizing that a hard lesson was learned.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I really have been oscillating between what fire says above and what alektra says. They are both the end of the spectrum.

I guess I'm just left wondering how long is enough time to decide whether or not she wants to make a real run at this? I'm not asking for a timeline to get over it, or that she ever truly will get over it so to speak. But there is no way I can continue to sit here for months on end and wait to see what she'll do.

She said she needed space. I told her either be very clear about that definition or I was going to back all the way off. She never really clarified it. She says a big part of how she used to feel about me is dead now.

I do think she has either just come to this conclusion, and I have no idea how and she wouldn't say, or she has been leading me on for the past two months. Maybe I deserve that but she really is a kind person and although she is not above playing games like this I don't think she would set out to hurt me.

I did tell her to call me if she changes her mind about repairing this damaged relationship. So I guess I will just have to wait and see where that goes.

This sure was a tough lesson to learn. I'm jealous of those smart enough not to have to learn it the hard way.

 

Why did she go snooping through your accounts? She sounds like a headtrip to me.

 

You need to put her on the spot. Take her out to dinner and just lay it out! Let her know that you are willing to spend the rest of your life making this up to her, that she means the world to you, but you have enough self respect that you can't let her string you along like this forever! Make her give you a solid answer right there.

 

If she says no... great you can move on.

If she says yes... great you can start rebuilding.

If she gets upset or wants more time... Move on immediately.

 

Is she currently dating other men? I would assume that she is, otherwise you would have already had an answer.

 

Also, get her passwords if possible.