I think i really screwed this up.

January 27, 2009

Hello, I do not know what I'm doing. I guess I'm asking for help. I just dont know how, here is the background, sorry its so long, but I just haven't been able to really get it all out. I'm so lost.

I have been with my better half for 2 years. In the beginning it was great, it always is. I had just come out of another long relationship, and was only single for about three months when I met this one. I am in the army, and she knew she didn't want to be commited to a military man, (going away, the job we do and what can happen to us) and I knew I wasn't really ready for much of a relationship.

Well, none of that mattered, we completely hit it off. We fell so crazy in love, that nothing else mattered. And we have been in love ever since. After a while, things cooled off, and thats when it all started. I always had doubts about her, my self esteem was pretty low and she was gorgeous, so far out of my league, i always thought she was too good for me. So I became jealous of little things. I'd get mad at her for nothing, and ended up pretty much trying to control her. I didn't even realise I was doing it.

The whole time, as I have learned from lots of reading recently, she became more and more deceptive (which i now know is totally normal, and i should have figured it out sooner) but of course, I saw this behaviour as justification for my jealousy... of course, if you are lying about these little things, going out to dinner with a friend (girl) and that she would be back home soon, then going out to a movie, and not calling until she gets back. I started losing my mind.. did she even go see her friend (girl) did they go to a movie, or were they out flirting.. etc... crazy **** like that.

She is so beautiful, but I became so overprotective, I'd get upset if in the summer, she would wear a top that came down a little too low. etc.. you get my point. Eventually she tried talking to me about it, but I still thought it was mostly her being defensive of her "bad" behaviour. We had a couple of times where we almost split, I'd know she wanted out, and I thought all I was doing was loving her, so I'd go out with my friends and drink, not call etc.. we made it through it, and I got better. Not fixed, but better, trying to pick my battles more, etc.. then i found out she had a email account and a facebook page.. we met online, when we got together, we both mutually agreed that we'd have no more profile pages, and we would share an email account.. neither of us asked the other to do it, it just came up one day and we both said that if we eliminated the possiblity of mistrust, then we would be happier.

She also always told me that "happy couples don't go to bars" she is not a very good drinker, she has too much, gets sick, and makes quick choices that she ends up regretting.. About the time I found out about the internet things, I also found out that if I'd go home to my parents on a weekend leave, she would be out at the bar. I got so mad at her, for going, and lying, telling me she was going to bed, turning off her phone, then being out all night. I should have realised what she was telling me. We weren't a happy couple.

We talked about it, and decided to work things out, and for a while things were going pretty good, but I guess she also realised how suffocated she was, and really wondered if she could be with me. She had made a "friend" on her secret email account and was talking to him. I just found this all out, i'll get to that in a bit. Regardless, she didn't know what to do, and she didn't know how to tell me any of this. She loves me, that much I know, and I am so grateful for that, and she has tried to leave, but she knew that I could be better, and always held on.

Late in november, she had her facebook page showing that she was single, she told me she was moving to her parents to get some space and figure things out.. this was news to me, I thought we were working on things, and that we were really getting better. I told her that I understood why she was moving out. We weren't breaking up as far as I knew.. and I still didn't know about her facebook at this point. I was blown away by it. The next day, we were talking and she told me that she wasn't moving to her parents, but actually getting an apartment down the street. I was hurt by her lie, but I still understood, I finally started to realise that I was the one that was being "bad" and was looking into getting some help.

Before she even moved out, I had given up my house on the base, and began moving into the barracks. She called me one night asking me to come back, but at that point it was too late, i already had the paperwork in to the army, giving them back their house, and we really needed to move anyway, so i told her that she would move to her apartment, and i'd have my room, and we could see eachother as much as we wanted to, and that it was probably good for us to have the space to figure ourselves out. I knew that I had a problem, I hadn't identified it yet, but I was working on it. And I knew that she did need some space. She only ended up spending one night alone at her new place. The next day she was asking me to move in.

At the same time, the army had just told me that i would be going away for 4 months (starting in Jan) and I knew that things weren't exactly perfect between us, and that maybe it would be best if we just kept things the way they were... I had fears (i believe rational. if not responsible) of having all my belongings there, and us not working things out. And I didn't want her to feel trapped with all my things if something went wrong between us. She agreed, but was hesitant about it. We spent the next month together everyday, In love, we did christmas with eachother's family, all was good. Eventually I moved in.

The last friday before I left, she wanted to go out with some friends, and I felt like going out to relax for a bit too. Before we left, we agreed that this was our second last night together, and that we would go, have a few drinks then go home to be alone together. No problem.. then she drank a few too many, didn't want to leave, and even started flirting a bit with some guys she knows I work with. I told her that I was very uncomfortable and that we should just leave, no fight or nothing, just go home and cuddle, go to bed. She did not like this idea at all.

She was very drunk by this point. we did end up leaving, and i could tell she was really pissed off. I didn't get why, we talked about this didn't we? The whole walk back to the apartment was pretty much a fight. We got home, and I proceded to pour out the last of my beer, I knew i was leaving on sunday, and that i didn't want to be drinking on our last night, as it seems to cause problems for us. She began getting physical with me, pushing me, and hitting me. Because i was pouring out the beer???? I tried to put my arms around her and sit her on my lap, saying i love you and please calm down, why are you so upset? etc... she elbowed me in the head, then bit my arm, there is still a bit of a mark. i let her go, she ran to the bedroom crying. I figured this was a pretty good sign that things were not going to work, so i began packing up my most valuable things and began moving them down to my truck, i would be by in the morning to pick it up. She came out, sorry and crying, please stop, taking the bags i had by the door, and putting them back. I told her that she was scaring me, and that she should talk to me, because I know she is hitting me because she doesn't know how to say what she is thinking. I'm getting pretty hurt now, but I don't want to make things any worse. I told her that I knew this would happen, why try to make me move in, just to pull this **** the first time you drink? She got mad again, hit me again, I told her that I'm glad hurting me like this made her feel better and that she should **** off and go to bed, talk to me in the morning. She ran to the bedroom again.

At this point I collapsed on the floor, heartbroken, after all we had been through, the ups and down, this is how it was going to end. I began crying uncontrollably.. she came back out, and felt sad, she tried to calm me down, but there was no helping me yet. it was all pouring out, and i didn't really want to stop it.. it needed to happen. She got mad again and stormed off. I finally picked myself up off the floor, went to the bedroom to get a blanket and a pillow so that i could sleep on the couch. She came out and snapped again, "i don't care if we are fighting, we sleep together etc" this made me have hope, she still wants to be together tonight. I get to bed, we both calm down enough to sleep.

The next morning was a bit akward, we both did some apologizing, and then spent the day together, went shopping, made love, just trying to make the best of it. Talked about working on us, and set some boundaries. I left thinking things were maybe going to work out.

I was away for a week, the first weekend, she told me she was going over to her friends house after work for some drinks... okay, I'm still a bit jealous, but i tell her to have fun and that i love her. She says she will call in a bit to tell me that she loves me and to put my mind at ease. She sent me a text at about 8pm.. then her phone was off. My mind is assuming the worst already, but i'm trying not to lose it. all night i can't get a hold of her.. then at about 1:30 she calls me, i can hear that she is outside walking, and she is bawling in hysterics... she says she is upset because i'm gone, and that she is mad because her friends all ditched her to go out to the bar, and she didn't want to go. In my head, i'm a bit happy she didn't go, but I hate hearing her so upset and I can't help her. She doesn't stop crying and eventually passes out on the phone. The battery eventually dies, and i'm worried she drank too much and maybe had alcohol poisoning or something i don't know. i didn't sleep at all that night. the next morning, i called her cell about 10 times in a row to wake her up and tell her to throw the cordless on the charger, go back to sleep and call me when she gets up. She eventually calls, and tells me she is sick to her stomach, she puked on the phone, for about 3 hours. she would have a sip of water then run to the toilet and right back up it would come. VIOLENT vomiting, she says she is so sorry and that she isn't going to drink anymore.. i'm like, well at least you are learning.

Finally she stops throwing up long enough to try to take a nap, fine sounds like she needs it. When she gets up, she calls me and says she is going down to the pharmacy to pick up some meds and some snacks.. good idea, she says she will call back in an hour. An hour and a half passes, 2 hours.. etc.. i call, no answer, call cell, cell is off. she ends up out all night. her excuse is that she was leaving as her friend came over, and they went to her house for the night, partying.. (so much for not drinking) this went on. Come monday, i told her that she can't do this to me, if she is going to be out, just let me know, i'm not trying to give her **** or anything, just tell me so i don't have to worry. if you say you are going to call, just call, or dont say it. she agrees, and says she is sorry.

that last until thursday.. she usually calls when she gets in from work around 5. well it was 6, i figured i'd give her a call and see how her day went. she said she couldn't talk because her friend was over, i could hear a case of beer in the back ground. she said they were having a few drinks, then her friend was going home and she was going to bed. I said ok, sounds good. She said she would call back, because she was going to take a bath, immediately my suspicion was perked, "why are you taking a bath when your friend is there, and she is going home soon?" she says oh, well i mean, i'm going to get changed out of my uniform and eat something, then i'll call.. "OK Babes, i'll talk to you in a bit" is what i said.

a half hour passes, then an hour, then 2... ok, so i'm calling her, no answer, cell is off.. wtf? a few hours later i call a friend of mine, just to bitch a bit, and talk about how my job is going away from home. turns out he is at the bar, and guess who is right beside him? he puts her on the phone.. she sounds HAMMERED. "HELLO??? I"LL CALL YOU LATER!!! " click... i'm like seriously? wtf? I'm really starting to get worried now. This isn't like her. She never did call. I was up all night worried sick.. I called her work in the morning, to see if i could talk to her, she came on the phone, all nice, like nothing happened, she said she couldn't talk becasue she is working, and that she will call when she gets home.. Okay, well i'm glad to hear that your alright and safe. i'll talk to you tonight.

She didn't call that night, i called her at the house, she had the balls to pick up, she said she couldn't talk right now, she had a house full of people over and she would call me in a little while.. I'm like no, please, just go into the bedroom and talk to me for 5 minutes, tell me what is going on. i can read between the lines here.. something isn't right. she hangs up on me. I'm livid.. I"m trying so hard to let her stretch her legs.. I knw i oppressed her, and she is sort of getting it out of her system, but come on, at least try to pretend you want to work things out. I call her parents, to see if they knew anything, if she'd been talking about leaving again or anything, they said they didn't know, but they would drive up to check on her the next day.

the next day, she called me, to apologize, she started off saying that she is sorry, and that she had done something bad. I asked her, what did you do? she told me she was out at the bar and she took Extacy with one of her girlfriends... i said ok, that sucks, you don't normally do that kind of thing, and ex is a sex drug isn't it? why take that if i'm not there, but i try not to make too much of a big deal about it because i want to keep her on the phone. i told her that i talked to her parents and that she should expect to hear from them sometime that weekend. she got soooo pissed off, then they showed up, she hung up on me. I didn't get mad, i realised she was upset, and so i sat down and just wrote her a love note, talking about i know she is acting out, and i'm going to be patient with her, i'm done with getting so upset about it. I'm going to give her the space she deserves and I hope that she can be patient, and try not to forget that she does love me.

That night, I talked again to her parents, and they pretty much told me what I just wrote down, she is a free spirited person (which is why I love her) and needs to have space. I've been doing everything I can to give her that space, but she is being really cruel about how she is using it. It's not much to call to say your going out is it? I don't mind, i just need her to be open with me while i work out my jealousy, insecurity and trust issues. After talking to her parents, it all hit home, the way she was acting, the things she was doing, and how stressed out it was getting me. I wasn't sleeping at all, didn't want to eat, and when i did eat, i threw up. I realised that its all my fault. I've been trying so hard to keep her close that I completely pushed her away! I started crying, unstoppable, extreme crying...

then I wrote her an email. telling her what i had come to realise, and that I"m getting help, and that I"m sorry for everything and please give me a chance to show her. She never read it that night, she went to bed as she was quite tired from partying for about 3 weeks straight. I was up all night, hating myself for doing this to us. I started to calm down, watch a movie, then I started to cry at random, I had to call her. I started by apologizing for calling, crying the whole time. I said I'm not trying to crowd you, I'm just so sorry, I told her that its all me, and she listened, she sounded worried, and asked me to try to come home, tell the army about our problems, and that it was making me physically sick etc.. we talked quite a bit that day.. went to bed at night and I actually slept, it sounds like she was happier. and i felt better too, it was like a huge weight was lifted off my chest.

As soon as i realised this stuff, I stopped worrying, i knew she never gave me a reason not to trust her, and that if i didn't want to worry, then all i had to do was love her and be good for her. just like she is to me, and thats why i never ever would cheat or anything. i can't even look at other women, i dont even want to. i love her so much. the next day she had to work, she called when she got home, and then got mad at me when i told her that i'd talked to her parents after they visited.. she hung up on me. i went on msn to tell her that i'm sorry, and its ok that she is mad, but that i didnt talk to them to hurt her, i was just worried about her, i know she doesn't have much money, so if she is spending it on drugs and booze, is she eating? etc.. she said she was sorry for getting mad, and that it isn't my fault.

she said that she has been trying to push me away for a while, she had been talking to another guy for a while (the "other boyfriend" that I always joked about) she said that they had been in contact while i was away, and that he came up that friday night, and brought her the extacy. she said that she kissed him at the bar, and that she had intended on sleeping with him. but she couldn't do it. she instead invited a bunch of people over to our apartment after the bar to keep the party going. and not be alone with him. i'm happy she told me right away, but then i worry that she told me because she thought i'd break up with her, because she doesn't want to do it herself and be the bad guy. i don't know, i'm still working on my jealousy things, i'm not perfect yet, so i sort of assumed the worst. i got a nosebleed, immedieately when she told me this, i've never had a nosebleed in my life. it was pretty scary, but i kept my cool.

i told her that its ok, and we will talk through it, and as long as i'm away, i'm not going to make any decisions, but she had to cease contact with him, get rid of the other account etc.. she agreed.

that whole week things were better (this is last week) she called lots, and i didn't call her at all. giving her the space she needs. she sounded like she genuinely missed me, and just wanted me home. we made plans for her to come up next weekend, and we were both really excited about it. she worked friday night so i know she wasn't out partying, i managed to sleep. it was all good. she said she was going to have a couple girlfriends over saturday night, and just watch some girl movies, maybe have a few drinks, nothing too crazy.. i said that sounded like a good idea and told her to have fun. she called me the next morning, and she was sick, it was obvious, she had a head cold.. she said that she wasn't going to have anyone over, just going to rest.

i thought that was a good thing, i was proud of her to realise she needed a break. she said she was going to the pharmacy to get some meds, and she would call me back, i said "are you going to, cuz last time you went to the pharmacy..." and she was like, of course babe, i know i was being stupid, and i'm not gonna do it anymore. ok sounds good.

she went to the pharmacy, and called me back, i was happy, she said that her friend was coming over after all, and that they were just going to take it easy.. then it was some more friends are coming over, then it was, can't talk now, friend is here, we are doing our makeup.. OKAY? dont really know why you need to get all done up if you are sick and just relaxing with the girls, but i guess girls do these things.. she calls me every couple of hours, just to say hi, and that she didn't want me to worry that she was getting into any trouble. she called at 8 and at 1030, at 1030 she said she'd call me back in an hour so that i could say goodnight to her.. 1130 came, no call, 1230, no call, 130 no call, ok, i'm calling, no answer, but cell is ringing, voice mail.. "baby, this is getting hard to take in, i'm not freaking out, but i'm a little hurt. i don't know if you went out, or are just caught up in the moment, but i'm not going to wait for your call, i'm going to bed. i love you"

and that was that. the next morning, no missed calls, no nothing, not online. is she even home? i start worrying, she is doing the same thing already, like, was last week all just a lie? i had another breakdown she eventually calls around noon, her girlfriend is still there, and they are making breakfast, going to watch a movie, call back in an hour.. whew, i don't think they went out. i call back, nope, call in another hour, ok, call back, nope 2 hours.. i'm like, did you know that i'm really let down about you not calling me back last night? she give me some story that her friend made a phone call, and instead of pushing "end" on the phone, she pushed "talk" and then the battery died... don't know, could be true, but wouldn't i get a busy signal? i don't know if i'm worrying about nothing or what. eventually her friend goes home, she calls me, and i'm still upset, but i don't want to waste my phone call with her arguing or being pissed off, so we are talking. then the worst.. the ride she was going to have to come up to see me had to cancel, pushed back a week.

i was horribly dissappointed... this was me letting her down, i had arranged it, and now i'm backing out. she doesn't seem too upset, she tells me that its ok, and there isn't much we can do. so don't get to upset.. she's right sounds good.

shortly after, her "other" msn (which she still hasn't got rid of) that has said she loves me and can't wait to see me, now says nothing. she changed her profile pic on facebook from us to her. i think she is doing it to tell me something, i don't know. since the weekend, she has changed, she is no longer happy to tlak to me, she still calls and all, and says she loves me, but she is now dwelling on the past, she is all i don't know if i can trust you to change... etc.. going on about how bad i was to her etc. i know all this, and i'm working on it. i understand she needs to vent, but its hard. she is pms ing, and i understand all that. but she really sounds disconnected. i told her i might have managed to get myself out of being here for four months, i told her i might be home soon, and she didn't seem excited at all. she said that she is liking her new freedom, and is scared that i'm just going to come back home and smother her again. i know i'm not going to, and all i can do is ask her to let me show her, and i'll soon be home to do it. she says part of her wants me home, but part of me doesn't, she sounds so confused, and i know i did it to her. i'm scared that her thinking that it was going to be another 2 weeks before she could see me, that she made up her mind that she likes it better without me. i found out today that yes, i'm coming home, soon, i dont have a date, but its either later this week, or early next week. i dont know if i should tell her, i want to get there and suprise her with something romantic, she wants a cat, so i want to get her a kitten, and some flowers, and show up at her work, just before she gets off, and pick her up to take her to our home. i'm just so afraid that if i'm not there before the weekend, she will have made up her mind, and do something that I can't forgive, or just decide to leave me, late by one week.

I love her so much, and I know that if I can get there I can fix it, even if she says she doesn't know, I know that when she sees me she will feel it too. I just dont know if she is going to wait.

I've thought about sending her an email saying you know, I'm trying my hardest to make this work for us, i'm giving you everything you ask me for, and i dont feel that you are returning that, i feel that you really want some time and space, so i'm not going to call or write until you make up your mind,. but i'm not going to put myself through waiting for the phone to ring, only to hear that you don't know what you want. you are scaring me away from trying to make this work.. i under stand that i pushed you away, but you say you want to work this out, then dont act on it. maybe i havent given you a chance to miss me, so that is what i'm going to do.

the other email might be more like: baby, I did it, i'm coming home to you. im not coming to smother us, if you want, i'll move out to the barracks, and we can try that, so that you can feel that you have your space and all.. I want to encourage you to go out with your friends, and i want to show you that i can be better for you, i want you to see that i'm getting help for MY problems. and i want you to know that it is my problem, and i'm sorry i took it out on you. we both know we love each other, and maybe we just need some time apart, i know i need to sort my issues, and you need to come to terms with everything. i'm not saying anything like going on a break or anything like that.. we will still be together, just apart for a while until we get our own lives a bit more squared away. i love you, and you don't have to worry about me doing anything to hurt you or nothing like that, i'm not going to try to "get you back" for cheating or anything. i love you and i understand you made a mistake, and i definetly had a part in driving you to that mistake. i'll be here for you when you are ready. I love you so much and I can't wait until we can put this all behind us and move forward in our relationship.

I just don't know what to do. I've never loved anything like i love this woman. She has made me learn so much about myself, especially in these last few weeks. I know we can be good together, and I"m really asking for help here, i don't even know how to ask for help, as you can probably tell from this insanely long post.... i just don't know what to do.. i've pushed her away and i'm now terrified its too late. she hasn't broken up with me yet, and she says she doesn't want to, she is just scared. and i understand that, i just dont know what to do to show her i'm going to be better. i don't want to come home and "love her to death" because that is really the root of the issue, I dont know how to properly express my love for her. its either too much or too little. please help.

January 28, 2009

I only read the 2nd- & 3rd-last paragraphs of your post...the two email "drafts".

The first one makes you sound helpless and like a victim.

The second one, you're waffling between being a victim and being a persecutor .

If you REALLY want to show her that you're getting help for your problems, then make an appointment with a psychotherapist and commit to actually getting the help that you know you need, that you've been talking/thinking about getting.

If you are going to be emailing something, I'd strongly urge you, for God's sake, don't threaten to NOT cheat on her. And don't bring up whatever "mistake" it is that she made. Things sound bad enough, and these two things do NOT add anything even remotely encouraging.

Actually, maybe you just want to email: "I can't figure out anything on my own. I have set-up an appointment with a therapist for myself. How do you feel about accompanying me to marriage counseling (with a different counselor)?"

You will need two separate counselors for the individual and the marital, three if she also decides on individual for herself -- otherwise, professional conflicts of interest.

Sorry I can't be of more use -- it's just that I've got a book over here that I can't get done, and there are less words left to read than in your post .

I do wish you both ultimately happy and successful outcomes.

January 28, 2009

hey, thanks for replying. i have asked for some help through the military. I've been speaking with the chaplains, and have gone to the medics. I have been set up with a "social worker" to help me to deal with my issues, and actually have an appointment this morning. I'll do anything to show her that I've realised the err of my ways. I know that she does love me, and part of her wants to try. She is also not very good at communicating, but what I can gather is that she is very confused. Last week was so good, then she had a friend over on the weekend, drank a bunch, then this week she has sounded more like she is giving up. I'm so worried that I'm too late.

I didn't send either email, I did end up on the phone with her and Il told her that I'm going to stop groveling, that I understand that I have been hurting her, and that I'm going to do what I have to to get better, for myself and for us. I think she might have taken it as a bit of a cold shoulder, I want to give her space so she can figure herself up, while still being available/not push her away. I want her to feel that I'm not trying to pressure her, or rush her. When we get off the phone she says she still loves me, and says she will try to call. But I know that she probably wont,

I try not to get worked up about it, and I did manage to sleep for a while, I did wake up startled, missing her. I'm so used to laying beside her, I'm so cold at night without her. I'll find that when i'm "sleeping" now, I wake up with a pillow between my arms, squeezing it, and my other pillow is covered in tears. Can one cry in their sleep?

Any help is appreciated, and I'm going to have an open mind about everything anyone says. I need help, and I'm going to accept anything anybody has to say.

January 28, 2009

First - it isn't all your fault.

She didn't have to act out instead of opening her life completely up to you.

The way to show someone you have nothing to hide is to hide nothing.

You have invested quite a bit and she hasn't had to take responsibility for hurting you at all.

I am telling you right now that is a mistake.

You are becoming a doormat and she is losing respect for you. That respect is vital for the relationship to be salvaged and continue.

But she has been screwing up left and right and you aren't calling her on it.

I know why you aren't. You are too scared she'll say screw it and be done. But you aren't going to hold on to her by groveling or kissing her behind.

So she is upset. So what. You have a lot to be angry about yourself.

She doesn't need to be out getting hammered and treating you like crap on the phone.

Screw what her parents said too. What they should have said - is that their daughter is acting out in ways that are unbecoming and hurtful to the relationship.

Two wrongs don't make a right and that's the road you are on right now.

Stop calling her. Stop placating her and trying ti make her "good" until you can get there and "rescue" the relationship.

You can't do her side of the work. She has to be a completely willing party.

Don't send any e-mails. Don't contact. Let her frickin' worry for a change.

If she doesn't then you know her foot is out the door and begging isn't the way to get her to step back in anyway so it is a win win. You get the info you need - she possibly gets a reality check.

If she is out the door do not chase after her. Let her realize men like you are RARE and that you are not so replaceable as she might think. She can also learn how quickly that party life leads your life right into the toilet. And she'll have no one to blame but herself.

Look, I know you love her. But because you are groveling and kissing her ass she is slowly becoming a person unlovable. She is turning herself into a barfly which is not who you met or who you want to be with.

So give yourself the reality check. Put work into yourself. Don't excuse her mistakes and don't put up with being treated like crap because you made a few mistakes. That will never save your relationship.

January 28, 2009

I think Island Giris spot on. It feels completely counter-intuitive, but it's the only way she'll even consider her behaviour. By being "nice" about it, you're ackowledging it in a way, a bit liek when a child acts up. You give it attention, it'll keep acting up. You ignore it, it eventually re-evaluates it's behaviour.

And as hard as it is to see right now, you might be better off without someone who behaves like this!! It all sounds quite extreme.

January 28, 2009

you guys are so right. I know what I need to do, and when i do stop calling, she does make some effort to call. this morning she called when she got up, and told me she loves me and seems a bit more excited for me to go home. i've decided for myself that i'm not goint to suck up to her, becuase it hasn't been working, and i dont like who its making me. i'm getting help mentally, and i'm forcing myself to start eating and working out again. I slept pretty decent last night, and i feel better today knowing that i've made up my mind to stand up for myself, and i told her that too.

thanks for the support guys, it's really helping!

January 28, 2009

In time of trouble, I asked myself "What would Clint Eastwood/Tyler Durden/Carey Grant do?" Gets me through some bad times if I have the strength to see it through

January 28, 2009

i'm getting help mentally, and i'm forcing myself to start eating and working out again. I slept pretty decent last night, and i feel better today knowing that i've made up my mind to stand up for myself, and i told her that too.

Keep on doing that...for yourself, first and foremost. Sometimes yes, it does take sheer will power/self-discipline to do all the healthy and necessary self-care activities. Well done, on all of it!!!

When you act assertively, and set your healthy and appropriate boundaries, some people will try to get you off that behaviour by saying it's "cold shoulder treatment", or "uncaring", or whatever. Just tell them that their interpretation is inaccurate, because you are ACTUALLY acting in a sane, adult, functional way -- give their crap back to them, don't take it on for yourself.

Hugs and very best of luck!

January 29, 2009

Hey all,

update: I"m hanging in. We have been talking more, and things are getting more positive between us. I still haven't grown the balls to really tell her off about her ways. I don't know how to do it. We haven't broken up, and she did mention that she wants to be with me,

she sent me a text mid day yesterday, she said she'd been thinking, and she loves me, then asked when i'm coming home. my heart melted, but i dont want to get sucked in too quick,

as we all know, i'm a jealous person, with a suspecting nature. i'm definetly a nut when it comes to this stuff. i told her i wanted to suprise her when i got home, so i wasn't even going to tell her. i don't know why i said it, i just can't keep things from the one i love. she said not to suprise her, she doesn't like suprises. i'm such a freak that i automatically assume she doesn't want a suprise cause she doesn't want to get caught doing anything. i don't know, i don't have any reason to think this. its just the way i am.

i saw my therapist yesterday morning, it was my first session, and basically he just wanted to know the situation, didn't really get into how i feel about things or anything like that, but it felt good to start at the beginning of our story together, how we met etc.. then get everything off my chest, all at once, verbally.

later that night i was doing some soul searching, and i discovered some more roots of my jealousy issues, besides my ex cheating on me then marrying my friend, my mom was into "chatting" when my family first got the internet. my dad was very nervous about this, and lots of fights came out of it. eventually he did find a webpage my mom had made, proclaiming her love for one of her online friends. my dad fell apart, she did to, my sister and i were young, and had no idea about how this would impact our lives in time.

now dad is fiercly jealous, and suspicious, its damaging behaviour, they stayed together and worked things out, but its still there, and they never really got any kind of help (to my knowledge). I am seeing a lot of my behaviour mirrors his. Its all something i never got help with either. He is a drinker, tends to be verbally aggressive, down putting etc.. all the things that i've been doing. I have become him at his worst. He is a very loving father, and has never hurt her physically or anything, and he loves my mother so much. It is just like I am. I think I may have found my starting point for resolving some of my issues. so i feel good about that.

anyway, back to my love. Like i said things are improving, or at least i think, but i read so much about people getting led on, etc.. i know that her financial situation is tight, and so is mine. she is asking for help with her bills, groceries etc.. i feel that i'm still responsible to help out with the apartment. she told me first that she wanted me to pay the phone bill, i had no problem with that, because i dont have to give any cash, and the phone bill is my only way to stay in touch with her. then she said that her pay was short, and that she needed me to send cash somehow, i'm not comfortable sending cash, i dont know where it is going to be used. I do know for sure that she doesn't make much, but i'm worried that giving her cash is just going to be used to get herself in trouble. i shouldn't worry, i know she needs to eat, and i want to provide for her, because that is my job. i'm just worried that she could be stringing me along for financial support, until she is caught up, then she will go back to her ways. i just don't know. Its all unjustified worrying, i know..

sorry for going on like that, i just wanted to voice my concerns. with the weekend coming, i'm scared, as usual, the weekends are hard, i ahve too much time on my hands, and my mind wanders like crazy, and i want her to know she can have some fun with her friends, i just dont want to enable her to get drunk or what have you. i'm hitting snags with the army regarding getting home, and its frustrating, because i already told her im coming, i'm disappointed, and she is too.

when we talk, she really does sound like she loves me. I love her so much, and if i was home this would be so much easier. How do you fight for a relationship while being away? In my head i want to try NC, but I know that my motives are probably not proper. I do want to be able to put my mind at ease, and work on myself, but i also want to do it to put some fear into her that she'd better smarten up.. and thats not really what NC is for is it?

Island girl is bang on, I don't want to do much because I do want to go home and "rescue this", although i have decided not to kiss her ass anymore.. but when we are talking, of course i go into how much i love her, and we do make plans for our future together. i just dont know how to do this lol, whatever i'm doing seems to be working, but like i said, it works during the week. the weekend is coming and i'm so worried. I don't know what i'm going to do.

THanks for letting me vent here guys.. and thank you for reading, and helping.

January 30, 2009

well, here we are. it is friday again, the start of another lonely weekend. I am going out tonight, with some friends i met up here, away from home. I know she is going out tonight.. she has some girlfriends over, and sounds like she wants to be good. but she keeps asking me about sending her money.. she seems like she is in a big rush for it.. i'm probably nuts, but i can't help but think she is using me, leading me on to see how far i will support her.. i dont know.

so ya, i basically told her that well, you are going out, and getting all drunk, going to the bar, still, after you know how it makes me feel.. so i'm not going to stay in for you anymore, i'm going out to blow off some steam.. call me if you want, but no promisies that i will answer right away. She says good, it will be good for me to go out. she has always been so opposed to me going out like this, just like i have been her. i think maybe she hopes i'll go out and f*ck up, maybe give her guilt a break? that is more wishful thinking for me than anything.. common sense seems to tell me that she wants me to **** up, so she can justify to herself what she did to me. and leave me.

i dont plan on getting into any kind of **** tonight, but it has been a while, and i'm carrying a lot of baggage tonight. part of me has a bad feeling about this, but i can't just sit around in my room waiting for a call that isn't going to come, from a girl that is out shakin her booty in front of who knows who.

im going to try so hard not to even call her, or text or nothing. make her wonder for once, so to speak.. i hope things work out, i really do. i'm so f*cked up right now.

January 31, 2009

I am so sorry things have gone so far off track and that you are feeling so rotten.

Communication between the two of you is definitely in the toilet and there are major trust issues going on.

I'm sure you know that she doesn't necessarily need your money to get hammered. There are guys out there who will try to get a girl drunk - well you're a guy. You know.

So whether you give her money or not she can accomplish that.

But I completely understand that you don't want to be giving her money to help her get drunk. You don't want her drunk.

What does she say she needs the money for? Bills?

There is banking online - online bill pay - and you can set up even private party bills like private landlords.

I am just giving the suggestion. Just in case you do want to give her financial help that may ensure that you are in fact paying bills. But then there is no guarantee that she won't use money that was for those bills for fun instead.

I wish I could tell you what to do. In your scenario, I have been the girl. And me as the girl I was in fact guilty of everything you are imagining her doing. And worse...

That doesn't mean she is.

And that is why I am having a difficult time giving you suggestions.

What the guys should have done with me, was tell me "you are obviously confused and having issues and that is really effecting our relationship so perhaps it would be best for us not to talk right now. When I get back we'll see if there is anything left to salvage and whether we both really want to. But I am not going to ride this emotional roller coaster with you anymore."

I just see that piece by piece what there seems to be is getting systematically destroyed. Isn't it?

Do you think you could do that? And then let her make whatever decisions she makes?

I hope you don't read this drunk and make a phone call. In fact I hope if you get drunk you just don't talk to her at all. Especially if she's drunk as well!

I can't imagine it would be a great conversation at this point - it would go really really well or really really badly depending on where both of your heads are...

So just don't.

I wish I could be more help. *sigh*

I feel for you.

January 31, 2009

island girl, so far you have been my hero.

and i think we are sort of on the same page about some of this.

as far as money... she asked, and made a deal that if i help her she would stay out of the bars....i offered to pay the phone/internet bill, "send me the acc't number and i'll take care of it.. (i still worry, by paying it i just free up her own money)

she said no, the phone bill can wait till her next pay, she wants money for "rent" red flag, well at least in my paranoid eyes yes.

i managed to not send her any money, and while i was out, i stayed away from my phone... i was going crazy worrying, why isn't she trying to call... she said she would before she went out, and that she would be available when she gets home.... guess what... its well past last call, and there is no answer... yet again... ERRRRG!!!

i sent her a text.. stupid i know, but i really wanted to say what i felt i had to say... it reads:

"thanks for calling! i guess i should take the hint.. you love me when you need something from me, i can't believe i thought you would call this time"

i sort of wish i didnt send it, its possible she is out with the girls having fun etc... but really, she cheated, she should be going out of her way to put my mind at ease, she shouldn't even be going out right now as far as i'm concerned...

as far as telling her off, and almost putting NC into effect, I believe i'll be home really soon, the army is kinda dicking me around about it, but i just dont see the good in saying like, **** off, i'm sorting my **** out, you figure out what you want, then call me, with an apology... when i know i'll be home before she comes around.

i'm the best thing that has ever happened to her.. i honestly believe i love her more than her own parents... and i'll do anything to try to help her, and this is my biggest flaw... oh how i hate my self for becoming so attached... i should be just saying **** off. have someone pick up my **** from the apartment, getting checked for STD and preparing for what i'm going to say when she realises what an idiot she is being.....

im not going to lie, earlier tonight, i thought about suicide.. i'd be free of this pain, and maybe then, she might learn something.. sort of like my last gift...

i went out, with friends like i said.. we went to a "pub" and saw a live band.... the singer was angelic, so beautiful, so ballsy, i havent seen a band in a long time... i thought i was the control freak, i think we both were, except i was open about it, she has manipulated me to the point that i dont even know what i missed before her..... i love live music.. i get so inspired by it... after the show, i went up to the singer, and told her briefly about my situation, and thanked her and the band... i believe they really saved my life tonight..... seeing them perform, in a little pub in the middle of nowhere New Brunswick, Canada, and do it so well, with such confidence, well it gave me hope, and something to look forward to..

a new goal for me is to get into/form a band, that can play, and try to inspire others... but i dont know how long this new energy will last... i've been back to my room for only two hours... and i'm going crazy. why can't she just ****ing call me.. even if to lie through her teeth, just to put my mind at ease so i can sleep for a bit... i was drunk as hell, but now am sobering up... and my brain is just going crazy chasing my broken heart around in endless circles... **** i just want some peace... one way or the other... this part time boyfriend/fiancee/common law husband **** is going to be the death of me... I hate it, and i'm beginning to hate her, and of course "all women" because of it.

now i know that she isn't "all women" but its so easy to get pissed at them all, rather than try to sift through all the bull****, and games to find one that is actually a little bit honest.. like really, i do have jealousy issues, but is it any wonder? **** i just dont know anymore... i just want to curl up in a hole in the ground somewhere, and forget about everything, and be forgotten about. I HATE this.

January 31, 2009

island girl, so far you have been my hero.

and i think we are sort of on the same page about some of this.

I am happy to help in what limited capacity I can.

I think we're kind of on the same page too. Except my perspective comes from being the girl that guys would love and stay with pretty much no matter what.

as far as money... she asked, and made a deal that if i help her she would stay out of the bars....i offered to pay the phone/internet bill, "send me the acc't number and i'll take care of it.. (i still worry, by paying it i just free up her own money)

I knew that's what you were thinking. That if you paid the bills she'd be able to use her funds for more partying.

Has the amount changed? Or is she still requesting the same amount for the same things...

I know the money part is tough. I'm sure the are very valid situations where women have needed help - and this may be one of them. But she is behaving as I used to -- when I wasn't invested in the relationship anymore but I knew the guy loved me and I didn't want to let that go in this world of uncertainty (plus it was an ego booster when I felt low) and there were several instances when these guys paid for things they shouldn't have.

I mean sure I needed the help but they were not the ones who should have stepped up. I should have been made to suffer through it and fix it some other way.

I think they thought in a sense it would create a kind of loyalty. It didn't. It was enabling.

So I can't steer you in either direction on that. You know her and you know what you are comfortable with. But it has been my experience that when you feel that sense of more than hesitation...there's a reason.

she said no, the phone bill can wait till her next pay, she wants money for "rent" red flag, well at least in my paranoid eyes yes.

May or may not be paranoid. Why doesn't she have the money? Where has her money gone? Does she live in a place she can't afford?

i managed to not send her any money, and while i was out, i stayed away from my phone... i was going crazy worrying, why isn't she trying to call... she said she would before she went out, and that she would be available when she gets home.... guess what... its well past last call, and there is no answer... yet again... ERRRRG!!!

Well, I am glad you went out and very glad you stayed away from the phone. But it sounds like you monitored it for at least a little while and then you ended up calling her. I wish you wouldn't have. If she says she's going to call then you wait for her to call. And if she doesn't call when she says then she gets to leave a message when she does eventually call. And she doesn't get an immediate call back either.

It just doesn't do any good to break down and call her in the first place. But then for her to not answer and just see you trying to call well it doesn't make her worry about you or the relationship, let's just put it that way.

i sent her a text.. stupid i know, but i really wanted to say what i felt i had to say... it reads:

"thanks for calling! i guess i should take the hint.. you love me when you need something from me, i can't believe i thought you would call this time"

I know it's torture. And someone who loves you - really loves you - wouldn't want you stressed and freaking out.

I hope that pulls you back from the "edge" a bit. That you are going through all of this and she ... isn't.

How does someone ever miss you if you are always there. Your presence is known. Always waiting and there.

When these kinds of things happen in relationships, instead of a clean break and then a possible reconciliation often there are a series of missteps by both parties. One is unsure and starts making choices that are destructive. The other scrambles in response and over compensates becoming more and more of the doormat. -- Sorry about that - the wording. But that is the only way I could really explain it.

You guys are on that path. Whether she has checked out for good or not she is not behaving in a way that is beneficial to the relationship. She is not even caring for herself very well. She is getting hammered and needs money for bills. She has also cheated recently and instead of allaying your fears and being completely accountable she is disappearing and not following through with her words.

Of course you know that. But perhaps reading it clearly like that will show you that what you have been doing - the chasing and remaining in contact - has done absolutely nothing to improve the situation.

You are tormented even more than you would be if there was no expectation of a call, aren't you?

i sort of wish i didnt send it, its possible she is out with the girls having fun etc... but really, she cheated, she should be going out of her way to put my mind at ease, she shouldn't even be going out right now as far as i'm concerned...

Well not if she was concerned about rebuilding your trust.

as far as telling her off, and almost putting NC into effect, I believe i'll be home really soon, the army is kinda dicking me around about it, but i just dont see the good in saying like, **** off, i'm sorting my **** out, you figure out what you want, then call me, with an apology... when i know i'll be home before she comes around.

I guess I don't understand.

You shouldn't tell her off. I mean you do in fact want a relationship with her and you do want problems resolved so telling her off would only add more crap to the already huge crap pile you have going on. She is adding more and more by not calling, going out (which is a huge trigger for you considering she already cheated when she went out before), and drinking. Not answering the phone when you call just makes your head spin and she knows that. C'mon, who doesn't know that?

That is why I proposed you breaking it off for right now. So more damage wouldn't be done. I mean, you're right there in the thick of it.

i'm the best thing that has ever happened to her.. i honestly believe i love her more than her own parents... and i'll do anything to try to help her, and this is my biggest flaw... oh how i hate my self for becoming so attached... i should be just saying **** off. have someone pick up my **** from the apartment, getting checked for STD and preparing for what i'm going to say when she realises what an idiot she is being...

You may be the best thing that ever happened to her. And you probably would do anything to help her. But are you the person she fell in love with right now? You are a military man - strong, courageous, etc. You were a man in her eyes. Someone she respected and cherished. That respect has been damaged. Mostly by her actions and your reactions.

How it is going is just destructive. Both for you and the relationship. You do need to stand up for yourself and refuse to be treated badly.

im not going to lie, earlier tonight, i thought about suicide.. i'd be free of this pain, and maybe then, she might learn something.. sort of like my last gift...

No one should ever have that much control over you and how you feel. You need to care about yourself. This is disturbing to read. I have truly been there. Don't even think of it as a possibility. It isn't worth it.

You may be free of pain but you would leave a massive wake of pain behind you.

And as far as teaching her a lesson - a "gift" - that may not be true.

No the only way to teach her a lesson is not put up with being kicked around by her anymore. Say enough is enough and I won't let you systematically destroy the relationship. At least by calling aclean break that destruction is cut off. No more damage can be done.

If there is anything worth saving it allows it to stay where it is until you are in a position to really deal with the problems in person.

I know what is stopping you. That if you go on a break then she can do whatever she wants. But she is doing that anyway, isn't she? I know it's tough to take. But that is really what is upsetting you in the first place, isn't it?

i went out, with friends like i said.. we went to a "pub" and saw a live band.... the singer was angelic, so beautiful, so ballsy, i havent seen a band in a long time... i thought i was the control freak, i think we both were, except i was open about it, she has manipulated me to the point that i dont even know what i missed before her...

That is exactly what I was talking about! The you she fell in love with -- he's lost right now. You need to figure out who he is again. You need to work on your own stuff right now. I don't advise telling HER that's what you want to do.

You really do need to get your head on straight. Get a clear perspective. And you can't do that while this crapis going on.

You need to get out and go with your friends. See bands if that is what you love to do. Become a whole person again - without her. She is doing things she wants to do and you are stuck - not even know what you want to do.

That needs to change for you and for the relationship to have a chance.

i love live music.. i get so inspired by it... after the show, i went up to the singer, and told her briefly about my situation, and thanked her and the band... i believe they really saved my life tonight..... seeing them perform, in a little pub in the middle of nowhere New Brunswick, Canada, and do it so well, with such confidence, well it gave me hope, and something to look forward to...

Have you made an appointment to see someone? The military has counselors to just be able to vent some of this crap. It will help you feel better if you talk to someone - the same as writing here. You get a different perspective. But you also said you had some problems yourself about control, etc. Don't you think it'd be a good idea if you worked on some of that so you aren't pulled in to old patterns?

a new goal for me is to get into/form a band, that can play, and try to inspire others... but i dont know how long this new energy will last... i've been back to my room for only two hours... and i'm going crazy. why can't she just ****ing call me.. even if to lie through her teeth, just to put my mind at ease so i can sleep for a bit... i was drunk as hell, but now am sobering up... and my brain is just going crazy chasing my broken heart around in endless circles... **** i just want some peace... one way or the other... this part time boyfriend/fiancee/common law husband **** is going to be the death of me... I hate it, and i'm beginning to hate her, and of course "all women" because of it.

You are going to have the gammet of emotions. This is a difficult thing. It is for anybody and a lot of people go through relationship problems. Just about everybody I think.

I keep saying you need a break. And I know you are scared of it. But you really really do. You need a break from the roller coaster. You need time invested in yourself for yourself.

The energy will ebb and flow. That is normal too. But as you get yourself back you WILL be stronger and more capable of handling the relationship.

And no, not all women are like this. Hell, she isn't even "like this". She is way off track right now but I used to be too. I'm not anymore.

And I'd never do the same things to my husband or to our relationship that I have in the past.

But he'd never NEVER put up with it either. There is a lesson in that for you.

now i know that she isn't "all women" but its so easy to get pissed at them all, rather than try to sift through all the bull****, and games to find one that is actually a little bit honest.. like really, i do have jealousy issues, but is it any wonder? **** i just dont know anymore... i just want to curl up in a hole in the ground somewhere, and forget about everything, and be forgotten about. I HATE this.

I know. I really know. It sucks so incredibly bad. You feel like destroying everything around you but then also being destroyed into nothingness -- quickly because it seems you are being destroyed bit by bit right now.

I know.

But that is why it is so important for you to start rebuilding yourself. The strong capable man that she fell in love with. The man you knew yourself to be before you started getting yanked in all directions.

February 1, 2009

Island girl, your advice is great.

itsallmyfault, have you ever considered turning your own phone off? I know it's hard to stay out of reach for her, but having it on, constantly checking for text messages or waiting for it to ring isn't healthy.

It isn't all your fault. A relationship involves TWO people, and she doesn't seem to be making enough of an effort to work on yours.

Don't act too abruptly. Drinking only makes problems go away temporarily, but after the buzz is gone, you're left alone to wallow in self pity. Not good.

How about picking up a few hobbies? You mentioned starting a band, dedicate your time to learning a new instrument, maybe learning a new language, dancing, exercising (i realize you may receive enough exercise from the Army but running at a slow but steady pace feeling the wind against you really makes a person feel better).

Work on improving yourself. What's something you've always wanted to try? Or something you used to do that you stopped doing once you started dating her? Let's work on finding yourself again, and try to place her in the very back of your mind. It's the only way you'll be able to help keep your sanity.

When you go out, leave your phone at home. Take the battery out. The sim card. SOMETHING. Since you don't seem comfortable telling her off, just try to avoid being sucked into her manipulation even further. Perhaps instead of grabbing your phone to text her or messaging her online, you can write, the good old fashioned way, on a piece of paper everything you want to say to her, everything you're feeling at the moment. It helps you vent and gives you the chance to be able to throw it away if it is not ok after you've reread it, and does not leave you with regrets of sending something instantaneously.

February 1, 2009

I'm not a stupid person. Everything you all are telling me, is the same as I tell myself. And I feel weaker for.. well... ignoring it.

I had a moment tonight, a moment of clarity if you will...

I realised, I'm not losing her, she is losing me.

The reason she is treating me like ****, is because she feels "invincible" in our relationship, she has lied, decieved, lied again, and CHEATED.. and I've always told her its gonna be okay.

Well, folks, like I said, i'm not stupid. I wont kill myself, even for her, becuase:

A: I simply wouldn't put my mom through that.

B: F*CK her, she obviously isn't worth that.

I'm afraid of pulling tough love becuase as y'all said, who knows how far she will go till she hits her own perception of "rock bottom" and how far down can I handle her going? It scares me, because she is being so unlike herself.

It kills me, I'm pretty sure I have it bang on with her, I'm away, she has filled the gap with new friends, and well, they are all married/commited to the boys overseas (who will be home soon) and the one friend she is closest too, Is very recently single.

I see it as this:

Married/commited friends: the boys will be back soon, and the are gonna leave her hanging, because to them, their men are more important than partying.

New single friend: she is going to tell my gf anything she needs to hear, because she wants my woman to be newly single, so that they can share in that... but when newly single friend picks up a new "thing" and gets into "rebound/honeymoon" phase, again, my love of my life, will be left in the dust.

It is killing me that she is throwing all this away to fit in with these people, when I know, (and I believe she does too) that they will forget about her faster than she can spread her legs to anyone.

As far as me getting help, I've been through our medics, referred to the mental health folks, and have been seeing a therapist for 2 weeks now, (like i said, i'm so screwed up that i didnt even know i'm screwed up) its been helping. and i'm going to get into some financial counselling as well, anything I can identify that i could be better at/use some help with, i'm going to reach out.. because I never have before, and since I started, i feel a lot better.

there is an enormous amount of support through the military, and lots of others willing to help because i'm military. I'm going to take full advantage of that, not only for her, and for our relationship.. but mostly for myself. I compare it to a broken leg, when broken, x-rays are taken, dressings (cast) are applied, and medication is given, following that, physio/rehab is provided. I'm going through a mental health injury, and there is no reason that it can't be fixed.

about the money thing, she has no reason to be asking me for help right now, my pay is less than hers, and it is her fault, i wont get into the details, but she just got paid more than i did.... does she need help, probably, but if i give it, i honestly feel that i will be enabling her... i truly feel that if i send her money, its only because i dont want to piss her off, not because i think it will help...

she made the mistake of telling me that she and her friend bought themselves some dope, then this afternoon, she told me they were going to get coffee, oh, and she bought herself subway, and her booze money, oh and... it goes on and on... I can't even afford myself a pack of smokes, I'm fortunate that I'm surrounded by like minded military men, who help each other out in times of need. why should i be sending money home to her, if she is out drinking/smoking/who knows what with it... i'm not gonna ask her to send me money she doesn't have, and i sure wouldn't be pissed off if she couldn't provide it.. i feel so compelled to do it, because I feel that is my job, my duty, to provide for her. but she is abusing that. and i'm done with being abused.

the way i put it to her sister, (and i should tell her this too, but i just dont have the balls to right now) is this:

she is acting single, to my knowledge, she isnt. I'm not satisfied being a part time fiancee/boyfriend/whatever she is calling me. i'm no longer going to put up with taking her love only when its convinent for her... she says she loves me, and wants to be with me, well... that counts on weekends too.

if i wasn't so far away, i'd probably be dealing with this a lot differently. the problem, besides the fact that i'm so in love with her it makes me blind... is that my new truck is in her parking space, all my belongings are in "our" apartment, and she is broke, and pissed off... i can't have her taking my brand new guitar set up to the hock shope to make herself a few bucks for another weekend out... I can't deal with being in debt for a truck that she has gotten pissed off at me, and destroyed with a baseball bat. (not saying that this will happen, but at this pace, I'm afraid that I wouldn't put it past her)

my dad, the one that i'm realising i'm a lot alike, but never wanted to be, well i talked to him earlier, and he said what i already knew, and what you guys are saying, END IT, TO SAVE IT. for some reason, i can't get my head around that, until now, whether I save it or not, I can't continue like this, if we make it through this, unless i find myself, i'll be no good to her, and if we don't, I wont be any good to anyone.

its late here, and i've typed a lot, Island girl, you are cold, but you are right, and really, I need some f*cking honesty right now. It's been a while, and you are bang on... whatever you did, you learned from it, and you are now a prize. games are for children, and you seem to recognize that.. you are a good person. I thank all of you for taking interest in my situation, and really want you all to know, that every single word you have typed, has helped in some way or another. Thank you all so much. I'll be in touch.

February 1, 2009

The problem is...this girl is an alcoholic...

February 1, 2009

can someone become an alcoholic in a month? how long does it take? that is a very good point though, an angle that I haven't even considered.

February 1, 2009

A person can't "become" an alcoholic in a month.

1. Studies have shown there is a genetic predisposition to alcoholism.

2. Any psychologist or psychiatrist worth his salt will tell you that someone else can't diagnose an alcoholic.

For instance - this poster has no real evidence of that statement. Your girlfriend is going out and partying a lot lately. Does that mean she is an alcoholic? No. I used to do that on the weekends and in my college days - wow. But I can't stand alcohol now. The last 10 years I haven't really been a drinker even when I go out.

Could she be an alcoholic? Possibly. But it is too tough to call.

February 2, 2009

leave her, you both have issues go NC so you both can work on getting better

1. she's selfish

2. you've got jealousy issues

Don't go NC thinking youll get back together just focus on you. NC is about you not on some desired result.

I see people saying they go NC hoping their ex gives them an indication that they wanna talk.

NC is about you getting better

Sounds lie she doesn't respect you...SO WHAT show here what a life without you is like. If she doesn't respect you how can she love you? Math never lies

Work on you and find someone more mature who'll appreciate you for you.

sometimes we all get caught up in the vision we create about the there person that we ignore obvious red flags

I would have drawn the line at physical violence, turn it around, had you hit her you'd be in jail not posting on LS, she's not healthy leave her your own sake. I personally think she knows how to push your buttons and is either purposefully pushing them or is not considerate enough to realize that she is

this all goes back to the top of this post...she's selfish. do this for you let her yell and scream, she can scream at the back of your head

do it good sir go NC

February 2, 2009

thanks again for all your support guys. as it would be, weekend coming to close, and i'm feeling the aftermath.. she is totally ****(d, she definetly got into the wrong crowd. she is trapped by drugs... bad drugs, i can't tell which ones yet, but its definetly not good. and i thnk she owes money too, cuz she keeps asking me for some... she sounds like a junkie, begging on a corner.

i told her i wasnt giving her any money, if she doesn't have the respect to call me (sober) at least once through the whole weekend, i'm gonna take it as a slap in the face.. and i'm not going to enable her.

she told me that if im not going to give her money, then i'd better get home to get my stuff out. i told her "thank you for saying something honest for once, this is what you wanted all along.. you didnt want me, you wanted me to help you, pay you while i'm away.. i'm better than this, and i deserve better than beating myself up because you are so ****ed in the head.

she hangs up on me.. k, well i'm not calling back... then she comes online, "i'm sorry, i love you" all that crap.. no answer from me, not this time..

so she tries calling... nope, turing off phone now..

so shes trying msn... please answer, please talk to me.... then "fine, be like that... i'm so done..... then its no, i'm not, i'm sorry, back and forth back and forth...

finally i call her, cuz i'm an idiot.. (and i dont want her flipping out and destrying all my things) we talk for a bit, i tell her that she needs to get help, and she is agreeable, things are going okay, but she is passing out on the phone, now i know it was a long weekend of partying for her, but she was just soooo pissed off, and now passout? weird... but okay, she needs to sleep it off, it will be better to try and talk later. once we cool off... right before we say bye.. she asks me if i'm still sending her money... i'm like, i dont think so. i should be home soon enough, and we can sort it out then.

she hangs up on me. you know.... "fine.. clicK!!"

k well, i'm not gonna call back.. but i knew. she was being nice to try and get the money.. what a joke.

then i get a text... "we need 2 talk" well tahts what i think too, so being an idiot agian..i call. she is crying, the text is old, it came in late cuz my phone was off.. she's crying herself to sleep. i tell her to relax, shes' got nothing to be crying about... she starts calming down.. i tell her we will talk in the tomorrow. she says she loves me.

i look on her facebook, she put up some pics of her weekend... she looks soooo mangled.. its drugs.. she is into drugs, hard. i'm pretty sure she is so worried about this hundred bucks, because she owes her dealer or something...

if its drugs, its something i can help her with no? she is a bit bipolar, i spoke with her parents about this... she really is. do i need this, well i would have been better off without it.. but now i'm in it, and i can't live with myself not trying to help.. (yes, its the "fixer" mentality or something)

i'm a soldier, by profession, and my job is to defend and help those who need it. I feel that if i dont do everyting in my power to try and get her help, whether i'm with her as a spouse, or just as a good human, I will regret it. I dont give up on people, full stop. Its not in me.

I'm having such a hard time with this, I'm in New Brunswick, and she is in Petawawa, so far apart, and i'm scared, if she owes for drugs... like, is she going to pawn my things? is her dealer going to beat her up, and do something to my things? my truck, is she going to suck c*ck to get out of a beating? I can't take this. everything i've assumed about her so far has been right, i think i have this one pegged, she is in a bad way, and needs help... she begs me to help her, she was begging me to come home tonight... she wants help, but she is to far gone to get it for herself, she is too weak right now.

i'm not saying ill give her another chance with me... who knows, if she gets help, maybe somewhere down the road, with some couples counceling, and both of us getting help for ourselves.... maybe give it a try... but i do feel that if i dont try to help her with everything in my power, i will hate on myself forever for giving up on her.

like, i just want to scream.

February 2, 2009

this is what i have so far.... i will either email it to her, or print it (or even hand write it) and give it to her after my things are out of the apartment.

its going to be okay. i dont know whats going on with us, but i'm telling you, it will all be okay with time, one way or another. be strong, i love you, and dont you forget it. We both need to get help. its not that big of a deal, asking for help, and there are people that can and want to help you get through whatever it is that you are going through. there are a lot of people that love you, let them. you are lost right now, but you will find yourself again. i will help you if i can, but you have to be willing to be helped, and that day will come.

you have been through a lot in your short life, and i know that there are things you have told me about, that happened to you, that you have never really dealt with. its okay. but you are taking it all out on yourself. you deserve better than that.

i love you, and i want to see us get through this, but for that to happen, we need to sort ourselves out, for ourselves. its hard to ask for help, and its harder to accept that we need it, but i'm sure you know as well as i do, that help is needed right now. I dont know what path you are on, but i know that you know its not leading anywhere good. Just be okay. I'll be here to talk to you if you want. you are in some kind of trouble, its up to you to get out of it. people can help, but ultimately its on you. and you are strong enough to do it.

i believe in you. i'm not going to contact your parents about this, or your friends, or family... in time, you will do that yourself, in your own way. just know, you aren't alone, and we all know you are hurting about something. we all just want to help, no one is mad at you, just concerned. hang in there.

i've called it "intervention draft" what do you all think?

February 2, 2009

Oh I am so sorry you are going through this.

If she is into drugs then yes, she does need help.

But you are wrong when you say she wants help but she can't do it herself.

That is the only way she can be helped is if she wants it and she DOES do it herself.

Her family can do an intervention and maybe you can be part of that.

But you need to get your stuff picked up NOW and go NC.

That is for your own well being. You need to back off so you can get some perspective. It is more serious that you do this now. Before you get back there and get immersed in whatever bullsh*t she has going on (and it sounds like there could be a lot of it).

Don't just go headlong into this. You are going to end up pulled in and drowning like you're quicksand.

Remember you can't help anyone if you don't get yourself straight first.

GAWD this sucks. I so feel for you.

I hear from the tone of your post that it sounds like you think these "friends" are to blame.

That is not true. She is responsible for her own decisions and her own behavior.

She chooses who she spends time with and she chooses what she does during that time.

You need to hold her accountable and not let her get away with blaming others or the drugs for her actions.

She is so messed up right now that you have to keep reminding yourself:

you are no longer speaking with her you are talking to the drugs.

So when she is calling and calling - when she says she loves you -- when she says she is sorry -- you aren't hearing it from HER.

That hurts I know. But the drugs have taken control of her mind and her decision making.

So going NC -- all your doing is missing out on these druggie conversations that do not matter anyway.

I really hope you take a step back. I hope you have buddies there you can talk to - kind of explain that you need to be kept occupied - and do not spend too much time alone.

Just get your stuff out of there ASAP.

The mess will still be there when you get there.

February 2, 2009

About the intervention draft, I don't think it is good.

I think it it enabling and it basically tells her that you'll still be there even though she is doing what she is doing.

An intervention is a group of people intervening to get a person help - because they are on a path of destruction and they need a swift kick in the head.

Basically the people say if you continue to do what you are doing we will not be a part of your life nor will we give you any assistance to continue to do what you are doing.

It is really the only way to protect yourself from future mind games and crap that comes from having your emo0tional door open to a druggie and also possibly the only way that they MAY get the help they need.

If you are serious about helping her then you need to tell her parents. You need to shout it from the roof tops to whoever cares for her - really cares for her - in her life.

Screw how she feels about it. The sickness thrives in the dark. Don't help her keep it a secret. That just allows the problem to get worse and worse.

February 2, 2009

k, i will take all this in consideration. i've never had the honour of caring about somone so lost, and stuck into drugs. never done an intervention... i dont know the first thing about dealing with addicted people, i've been trying for years with my dad, and well, he's probably drinking right now, so obviously i dont know what i'm doing....

if i'm going to go through with NC, for my own piece of mind, i need to feel that i left things on something of a positive note. like i said, the note i'm working on is a draft... and the more i think about it, the more i think i'm not going to send it to her, but instead to her mom, her dad, her sisters, and her brother, to all the friends that she isn't talking too so much anymore, they will see the note, see the pics of her all strung out, and hopefully between the lot of them, they will know what to do.

as far as enabling her, i feel that i will always be there for her, in what capacity, i dont know.. i know that i can't do much helping, in the state of mind that i'm in. and i know i need some "me" time, to find myself again. do i hope to be with her? of course, but for that to happen, she needs help... and time. and so do i. i feel, that this will piss her off right now, she will be embarassed, and defensive, but if it works, i wont have to worry about convincing her to want me, that would happen on its own.

would i take her back? its impossible to say, by then i dont know who i'll be, or what i'll be doing, or ready for.. it will be hard...

i've been telling myself, going crazy, trying to find a way to show her how much i love her, and care about her. i think i'm realising that maybe saying good bye is the biggest act of love I can give her.

i'm so torn up by this.

February 2, 2009

k, i will take all this in consideration. i've never had the honour of caring about somone so lost, and stuck into drugs. never done an intervention... i dont know the first thing about dealing with addicted people, i've been trying for years with my dad, and well, he's probably drinking right now, so obviously i dont know what i'm doing....

Okay. Well the basics are that once a person is a regular drug user (using in the face of her life falling apart as your girlfriend is) they become a user.

The drug addict will use anybody for anything but usually the ones closest to them pay the highest price. The druggie will hit them up for money, a place to stay, rides to and from, vehicles, etc. and emotional blackmail is the way they usually accomplish this.

The druggie will use various avenues from "I Love You" to "You Don't Realy Love Me" and everything in between to get whatever it is they are after.

When the person gives to the druggie - whatever it is - they are enabling them to continue to use and spin their lives even further into the toilet.

The best thing anyone can do for the addict is not give to them. Not make it easier for them or their lives more comfortable while they continue to use.

Unfortunately most people get so wrapped up in it all that they want to believe the lies they are told - that the addict will stop - that the addict wouldn't really steal from them (they do especially with meth, coke, and herion - drugs like that) - that the person they love is still there somewhere reachable.

But that isn't the case. The real person inside is almost a hostage in their own body because it is the drugs that are in charge. The drugs call the shots, make each decision, and hold the conversations.

Until the addict is "clean" that is the way it is. And getting "clean" can take a while depending on the drug(s) of choice.

if i'm going to go through with NC, for my own piece of mind, i need to feel that i left things on something of a positive note. like i said, the note i'm working on is a draft... and the more i think about it, the more i think i'm not going to send it to her, but instead to her mom, her dad, her sisters, and her brother, to all the friends that she isn't talking too so much anymore, they will see the note, see the pics of her all strung out, and hopefully between the lot of them, they will know what to do.

They are the ones who can take action to stage an intervention.

An intervention is an ambush with as many people who care there to share with the addict their own feelings about what they see but the most important part is the definition from each person as to the boundaries that will be set and how their own relationship will be effected if the addict refuses to get help.

Usually the boundary is a very clear "you will not be allowed in my home or around me and I will not speak to you unless you stop using".

Even mothers and fathers have to set boundaries like these because of the torment that can happen from having a druggie around. They actually have to turn their backs on their children even if they are homeless, etc.

At the intervention there is usually a plan the participants are aware of and arrangements for help at that same time have been made so the addict, if they accept the help, can just go into treatment that same day.

as far as enabling her, i feel that i will always be there for her, in what capacity, i dont know.. i know that i can't do much helping, in the state of mind that i'm in. and i know i need some "me" time, to find myself again. do i hope to be with her? of course, but for that to happen, she needs help... and time. and so do i. i feel, that this will piss her off right now, she will be embarassed, and defensive, but if it works, i wont have to worry about convincing her to want me, that would happen on its own.

It most definitely will piss her off. Because the drugs want to stay in control and the drugs want her to keep using. Your actions will directly conflict with that. So the druggie brain will be very angry.

would i take her back? its impossible to say, by then i dont know who i'll be, or what i'll be doing, or ready for.. it will be hard...

Of course it will be. You are in a really hard situation.

It is always hard when someone you love is destroying themselves. You want to just stop it - help them - do whatever it takes - I know.

But the only thing you CAN do and the only thing that has a chance of working is NOT doing anything that assists them in any way. Whether that is paying their bills, giving them a place of refuge, or just being an emotional crutch when they crash it only helps them to continue down that path of destruction.

You may be doing the hardest thing you have had to do in action of loving someone. But she gets to be herself again if she accepts the help and wants to get herself out of it.

Once her brain is thinking straight again, well, then at least you'll be talking to her. Not the twisted druggie mind that is all f'd up.

i've been telling myself, going crazy, trying to find a way to show her how much i love her, and care about her. i think i'm realising that maybe saying good bye is the biggest act of love I can give her.

Gosh you've come so far so fast. I know you feel wrecked. I am so sorry. You genuinely love her. I know.

But you are right that the biggest act of love you can give her right now is not participating in her druggie life. Not i any way shape or form.

And letting her family and close friends know what is really happening. That is a must.

I feel so badly for you. I am so very sorry.

I think i really screwed this up.

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