I think i really screwed this up.

[itsallmyfault]

I was on her facebook today, and you know how the main profile page tells you how many friends a person has? hers said 47... i click on see all, and there is only 46..... my gut wont let me not look into this. i remember being all crazy, looking on plenty of fish to see if she'd made an account, i found one called poisonivy85 no pic, but the dimensions given matched, as did the age.. there was no pic, so i never said nothing....

 

today i looked at it, and it said that profile had been shut down at the end of november, right about when she said she wanted to try to make us work... odd..... you know on windows, when you first turn on your comp, it asks for a password... her computer password is poison.. and this secret email that she had was c**********85@hotmail dot com. i pieced all this together, and decided that she must have another secret email... so i search google for poison ivy, PoIsOn IvY, poison_ivy_85...

 

and wouldn't you know it, there is now a poison_ivy_85, i click it, and there she is... "single, catholic, doesn't do drugs... looking for : men, friends,

 

she goes into the self description, its a bunch of BS that she used to tell me when she was sucking me into her vicious trap... then this:

 

"I looking for friends at the moment if you happen to be more than friend

material Im oppen to giving it a go!"

 

WHAT A WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so disgusted.. she has been cheating on me for months, with all kinds of different guys.... she was using me for money all right, drugs? probably, mostly just a poor dumb nice guy, giving her a free ride. And she rode that ride hard man... like, i'm broke now. probably why she is so willing to leave now.. cuz she should have known that if she'd been smarter, and more patient, i would have eventually given her a kid, then she could have left me, and i'd still be pumping money into her.

 

I'm so scared... like, what if she caught something? what if i have something? my stuff is still in her apartment, 2 provinces away! she doesn't know I know... i managed not to BLOW UP on her. i havne't even talked to her... i think she is with someone now to be honest....

 

i think i'll be able to go home this weekend, i'm gonna get there in the evening, be nice to her, NOT sleep with her (tired from flight, we have two weeks etc...) get up with her, drive her to work., tell her i can't wait to pick her up, go for romantic dinner etc.......

 

then come back to apt... get all my **** out, put it somewhere, i dont know where yet... then open up her internet, pull up her profile, and leave it on the screen, turn off the monitor. i'm going to leave her valentine's day gift on the bed, along with the shirt she got me for my birthday, it will smell like me, and it will be under her pillow case, so she has to smell me when she is sleeping, and f*cking other guys. scent is the most tied to memory, and she HAS to know that I"m a friggin amazing guy.

 

then i'm going to leave, got get my phone number changed... email my mother with my passwords to facebook, hotmail etc... have her change all my passwords, use gibberish ie: asl;dkgngje;stlhsasohg so that i can't even ask her to tell me what the password is. answers to secret quesitions? sa;lgndlghljgsdghsaf;ljk

 

Then i'm going to stay with my parents until i have to come back out here... she isn't even going to get the satisfaction of me getting mad in front of her, she won't even have a chance to try and talk to me. how do you block someone from facebook? so that she can't come at me through my friends when i make a new account.. actually f*ck that, i dont even like facebook, its for drama.... i wont have one.

 

then i'll probably get drunk, cry.... cry some more, and vomit a bunch.. and then commit myself fully to doing my job out here.

 

I can't believe i doubted myself so much... and i'm sorry i didnt just take y'all serious and just cut her loose... its hard though, with my stuff there.

 

its gonna be brutal, not letting on for however long it takes to get my stuff out.... trying to be nice to her that night, and not sleep with her, (she will know something is up) i'll just get there late... real late, so we can go right to sleep.

 

i'm comparing this to my expirence as a paratrooper, jumping from an aircraft.... the build up sucks, standing in the door sucks, then the jump is just mayhem, but by the time you hit the ground, its the best feeling ever.

 

getting through this week will be tough, but the payoff, her getting completely blindsided, and not being able to even get a word to me....

 

I hate her, she is pure evil.

[Island Girl]

I am so glad you have put together such a complete plan.

 

I know there are difficult steps coming up (the getting to that day, the not sleeping with her part, etc.) but I think you really have covered all of the bases.

 

You really should not let on. I know you are saying that now but you do need to stick to it.

 

If things turn really ugly who knows what she'll do to your stuff.

And she has access to your vehicle, correct?

Don't lose your head and go off. You have to keep yourself in check.

 

I can not believe she has had a profile up this whole time! Ugh! Your instincts were right on.

 

I am so sorry you have had to go through this but now you may be able to walk away and go NC a bit more easily.

And the NC is SO important especially in your situation.

 

She has lied and manipulated you in the past. You just can't allow her to ever do that to you again.

 

We all have moments of weakness but if you deny her access to you she'll never be able to exploit that again.

 

Again, I think you have a great plan put together. Just follow through and you will be FINE.

[itsallmyfault]

NC will be a piece of cake... i just cant wait for it to start.

[itsallmyfault]

wow, this is gonna be hard. she called me this moring, all cheery, she "went with her gf, took her gf's kids to they gym for some sports thing" that was only gonna last a few hours. she'd call in a couple hours.. (rolleyes) of course she doesn't.

 

this morning she's all like, :0 you didn't call to wake me up? in like a cute little suck up voice. I'm like, well, you didn't call to say nights... she's like, yeah, sorry, i was at "friend thats a girl"'s house after, we had some drinks.. (ITS A WORK NIGHT!!) she didn't want to call and wake me up... ya, cuz i was sleeping, knowing how much of a whore she is.

 

anyway, phone call goes good.... (everything she said, I pretty much have a smart ass your a f*ckin whore comment, but keep it to myself)

 

she comes on msn.. "i love you, can't wait till you come home"

 

then its like, when you coming home? you prolly know and just aren't telling me... all ths.

 

errrrg.. its so hard, not ripping into her. i just keep telling myself.. i love my truck, i love my truck, i owe lots of money on my truck still, i love my truck, my truck isnt a whore, i love my truck.....

 

barely slept at all, i'm going through a lot of new emotions.. like, i'm happy i saw this, and like, i've been under a spell or something, and i'm now free, and knowing that feels a lot better...

 

then of course there is the... WHORE!!! i love you so fu*king much! how could you do this to me? you have set a pattern, i hope the next soldier catches on quicker than i did!

 

 

i'm so torn apart, i'm barely holding it together, but I am holding. this, being nice to her, is THE hardest thing I've ever had to do.....

[Libellule]

Oh gosh! First things first... I don't want you to think it's your fault ok! You need to stop putting yourself down about mistakes that you have made in the past such as some part of your behavior with her... Everyone does mistakes and we all learn from them... and you have clearly shown that you have learned from them... already there you have shown yourself worthy of having this woman love you and what not...

 

But to be honest darling...

 

From what you say I don't really know if she wants it with you. I know she says it and all but don't you sense the immaturity in her that tells you one thing (or what you want to hear in that matter) and the does the opposite. If you say her facebook page, profile picture and status don't indicate nothing that she is in a relationship with you and did before... If she started havinf or intended on having a fling with another guy means one of two things:...

 

1- That she really doesn't want to be with you anymore because she isn't happy with the relationship but is either to scared or imature to tell you... wich in that case would be only keeping you on the side lines for needs that aren't met without a man in her life like the money you send her etc...

 

2- Or secondly... she is very mixed up in her life right now... in subjects that have nothing to do with you...but yet she takes it out on you and your relationship because she feels like that is the problem... (and that would explain her regrets, confusion and crying after doing all the stupid things that she does).

 

So... all this to say that I think you need to take a step back a view your relationship from outside the box. I know that it's hard for you right now because you are away from home and friends and really don't feelin in your element right now... but for now... you really need to think about yourself. After all you are the one who knows her not us... and you need to see who she is for her real colors... and try not to let your love for her mask it all ok... because in the end you don't want to be deceived.

 

But this isn't your fault ok! It takes 2 to tango.