Long Time Ago affair

[stampdaddy]

Thanks Stampdaddy. I'm aware of all the conspiracy theories because I have thought about all of them. My wife is now a pretty strong christian so now that she knows I know, I really think she feels like I need to know the whole truth and she'll accept the consequences. I do think she wrestled with this over the years, particularly after she became a christian about 10 years ago, because of the hinting comments she would make to me that dumb me didn't pick up on. Why all of a sudden recently I did, I'll never know.

 

Maybe for some reason its better that I found out now because I've been able to see the intervening 14 years of great marriage and that dulls the outrage. I'm still upset, angry, depressed, sad, etc. about all of it. A little piece of our union will never be the same because what happened can never be taken back. But, I have to decide whether I can trust her going forward - I think I can; whether I'd be better with her in my life or not - I think her in my life has enriched me deeply; and whether ultimately I can let go of this and take this opportunity to make our marraige even better - I hope I can and I can look back 30 years from now and this was a blip on the radar.....

 

Question: how old are you?

[scarred]

2sunny - thanks for your candid remarks. I hope you're wrong, although again, I'll likely never know for sure. But if you're right, why would she tell me anything at all. I had no other way of knowing other than if she told me. The other guy lives 200 miles away so its not likely I'd ever run into him. After 14 years its not likely someone who "saw" them entering/leaving rooms would decide to tell me. She could have simply taken the truth to her grave and not shared anything.

[2sunny]

You have just been handed 1 get laid free card. Don't wait too long to use it!

 

ya, and his wife just got the "get out of jail free" card. he believes her. :rolleyes:

[whichwayisup]

Does she still go on conferences out of Town? I just ask if there's any way that they could still see eachother during business times, that's all. Ask her if he emails her.. Infact, she should be readily giving you her passwords to her email account so you can check up on her at anytime.. Not saying she IS still intouch with him, but ... Trust has been shaken big time and it'll take alot of effort on her behalf and truthfulness to gain it back.

[scarred]

No - she quit work at the organization she was at when this happened right after this all happened. So, no they don't work together, haven't had contact since 1995.

 

Again, I know you guys think I'm stupid and naive - but are we all so cynical about these situations that every single one leads to sex?

[whichwayisup]

Let me ask..Is it better than you know the truth or would you have preferred she never told you about any of this, kept it to herself?

[2sunny]

2sunny - thanks for your candid remarks. I hope you're wrong, although again, I'll likely never know for sure. But if you're right, why would she tell me anything at all. I had no other way of knowing other than if she told me. The other guy lives 200 miles away so its not likely I'd ever run into him. After 14 years its not likely someone who "saw" them entering/leaving rooms would decide to tell me. She could have simply taken the truth to her grave and not shared anything.

 

this is part of what bothers me! i think she only told you to relieve herself of the guilt she's been carrying around.

 

if she didn't want to hurt you:

 

a) she wouldn't have done this and;

 

b) she wouldn't have told you

 

 

if it was a non issue at this point - then WHY tell you ANYTHING if it will hurt you or cause harm to you or the marriage?

 

if it was over - then why share the info? why not just go along being in a marriage that she has now learned from mistakes and vowed not to make the same past ones?

 

i still think her shared info is selfishly driven and i continue to be suspicious for that fact alone. THAT is not loving and kind behavior in a marriage.

[JennaGennaro]

"But, I'm really looking for someone who might have some insight on why two people would do this when the wife already is pregnant with her husband's baby."

 

I can only offer speculation, but like the other poster, there was no danger of her getting pregnant because she was already with child.

 

Maybe he didn't have a child with his wife yet or wished that she was pregnant and was fixating on your wife because the attraction was there.

 

Hormones definitely play a role, but they are not an excuse.

 

I agree with you, though. He is a scumbag for doing that. I could see it if she was in a bad marriage (abuse, neglect), but if there was nothing wrong with the two of you, then he had to have been pretty full of himself to make a move on her. Then again, she didn't slap him or reject him - she kissed him back. Obviously she was sending out signals that she welcomed that.

[scarred]

Verified - no contact - I have the cellphone bills for the past several years, have the password to her email account, she has been a stay at home mom and I work out of the house for the past several years.

 

She says she realized after it happened that she had made a big mistake - that she was definitely culpable because she could have said no to any of this all along the way. There is real remorse and I do believe she is telling me the truth.

[whichwayisup]

Noone thinks you're stupid..At all! It's just after reading thousands of situations involving affairs, nothing surprises me anymore - Well, rarely.. Most A's seem to fit a certain pattern. Hopefully your wife IS telling the absolute truth and they just fooled around, no physical sex.

[Reggie]

I'm certain a paternity test is not needed - my son looks just like me - if he didn't I might consider it.

 

Look, I'm not being blind or stupid here. I'm not really looking for people to shoot holes in my wife's story either - I truly believe she is telling me the truth. We spent practically 2 whole days where she told me pretty detailed information. Could she be lying - of course - I'll never know for sure - only God will know.

 

But, I'm really looking for someone who might have some insight on why two people would do this when the wife already is pregnant with her husband's baby.

 

As others have said, she is the only one that can answer this. I think the guy's thinking is pretty clear. He cared nothing about you or her conditon and wanted to have sex. Probably the same thing for her: she wanted to do it and she did.

[scarred]

Do I wish I didn't know? There is a big part of me which wishes I didn't - I wouldn't now be dealing with the pain. There are a lot of complications in any person's life which influences the decisions they make - including my wife. I'd have to write a novel to set the stage. But our marriage was pretty good - we were a bit different - me into financial/numbers - she into literature, etc. This guy probably appealed to something I couldn't provide and my guess is it was exciting and a bit dangerous. It got out of control and thankfully they stopped it before it got too far - unless of course I believe the normal pattern of affairs which end up with actual sex. So, I guess I'm glad I know. I'd rather continue on without secrets in our lives that could come back to haunt us later.

[stampdaddy]

I too do not understand why some things just simply cant be what they are: SIMPLE

 

What is so crazy to think that a woman who has been carrying a burden of guilt wouldnt "confess"? Why is that so bad? Is it bad when a Catholic goes to the church to confess their burden of sin? She "hurt" her husband and was hurting him with having that knowledge that she "sinned" against him, and she may be trying to lay that burden down. Jeez..

 

My question to Scarred is how old is he.. I am seeing a little "doubt" in his tone regarding "maybe" getting out of his marriage. If he is 40ish, alot of people "make the change" then and that is what I am starting to get a glimpse of... I could be WAY off, but this could be used as his "exit card". I hope not

[2sunny]

Noone thinks you're stupid..At all! It's just after reading thousands of situations involving affairs, nothing surprises me anymore - Well, rarely.. Most A's seem to fit a certain pattern. Hopefully your wife IS telling the absolute truth and they just fooled around, no physical sex.

 

well the fact still remains that she met with him on more than one occasion. therefore she cheated several times - with the full knowledge ahead of time that he would be there.

 

it wasn't as if she made a random "mistake" while in a drunken stupor... she knew she was tempted by him and put herself in a vulnerable position with him time and time again. knowing full well that if you knew the truth that it would hurt you - and she still chose to do it... then keep it from you for 15 years???? come on! WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE??? i don't call that love!

 

oh ya - she is a good christian woman... you can forgive all you want to - it still doesn't make the justification of what she rationalized right when she did this knowingly on several occasions...

[scarred]

I am 45, my wife is 44. No, I'm not seriously thinking about leaving her. Too much good marriage since then. My wife was about 30 when this all happened.

 

Yes, she acknowledges she "cheated" several times knowing full well what she had done. I have to decide whether the magnitude and number of times are going to outway the 2 years before and 14 years after of good marriage. I'm deeply hurt by the betrayal so while I say I want to stay with my wife and expect to do so, is anyone ever sure what will ultimately happen? I read another thread on here where the guy's wife had an affair 10 years prior but he could never let it go so he's now going to divorce her....

 

Time will tell.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe you need to set the stage - Tell her that IF she did have sex with him - NOW is the time to come clean - Not 2 or 6 months from now when she feels guilty that she didn't confess it all to you. Again, not saying she is not being truthful, but because she allowed this to happen many times, it is questionable..And her fear of 'how much' to tell is what could be driving her.

[stampdaddy]

Maybe you need to set the stage - Tell her that IF she did have sex with him - NOW is the time to come clean - Not 2 or 6 months from now when she feels guilty that she didn't confess it all to you. Again, not saying she is not being truthful, but because she allowed this to happen many times, it is questionable..And her fear of 'how much' to tell is what could be driving her.

Amen! Hallelujah!! Somebody said it... The truth shall set you free... Something IS missing here my friend... Don't know what, but SOMETHING is

[whichwayisup]

With that said, before talking to her, you need to decide what IS forgivable. If she did end up having sex with him, and tells you - She needs to know that you aren't going to walk away from her. That is what her fear is..One thing to admit to fooling around and kissing, but another to come clean and say we had sex. If she knows that you won't leave her reguardless if it happened or not, she'll more than likely come clean 100%. But, that decision of how much of the truth you can handle and if you can work through it, forgive her, is totally up to you..

[SRV]

What ACTUALLY triggered her to REALLY confess?

 

Most of the time in WS, they minimize the truth, you will never get the complete truth.

 

At the back of my mind I would be like what else is she not/has not told me in the past 14years? Just curious, would you have rather known 14 years ago and dealt with it then or knowing it now and having to deal with it currently?

[stampdaddy]

Amen! Hallelujah!! Somebody said it... The truth shall set you free... Something IS missing here my friend... Don't know what, but SOMETHING is

But how can he make that promise to stay BEFORE he gets run over by the bus? I think it may be best to state that he doesnt know what he could do, BUT, he DOES deserve the truth and the opportunity to make the decision when he has to.. It's like that one story (Joey's story or whatever it is called about the dude who wrote the letter about the jigsaw puzzle or something like that.. HELP PLEASE??)

[troubadour]

After reading this thread I am getting the same impression as Stampdaddy... there is something missing in this story.

 

Scarred, your wife has put you in a very very tough spot.

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

She might not have had sex with him. But she might have had it with someone else. She has admitted to this in some way to take heat for something else she did. Ask her to take a polygraph test. Just tell her you need to know for sure. After all she lied to you for 14 years. She may confess and you don't even have to get it done. That is if you really want to know.

[scarred]

I sometimes wonder if readers don't read the initial post before posting a reply. I indicated she confessed after I started probing here recently. My probing was due to comments she had made over the years which gave me hints she was feeling guilty. I just didn't really pick up on them until recently. My wife was brought up pretty religious and was a pretty straight-laced girl. Only been with two guys before me - one in college and the other her prior husband before we married. She had pretty strong beliefs in right and wrong, although she obviously chose to violate those beliefs during this period. That being said, during the period of the affair, she was undergoing some stress related to a joint custody arrangement with her/our daughter with her previous husband and it was the start of our third year of marriage - so the honeymoon period has worn off. She starts this new job where travel is involved and 5 or 6 months into it this guy starts to make overtures. At least initially she rebuffs (see a previous post) but ultimately the thrill is too strong and she plays along. By that time she is pregnant and probably is enticed by the combination of the thrill of another man finding her attractive and pursuing her (she was very pretty during this period, still is) and potentially the hormones of pregnancy, and of course some personal level connection she felt from him she didn't feel from me because of our different personalities.

 

Again, all of this doesn't make it right. She has stated point blank that she knows this without me telling her. I told her after some of the details starting coming out that for me to be able to move forward that I needed to know how far this went - ie details. I've asked her in a very loving way now a number of times - there was no sex correct? No petting, correct? She indicates that during the last encounter there was a "make or break" moment where the kissing was escalating and she was really torn between wanting to move forward with having sex and the thought that if she did she would have crossed a barrier from which there was no return - ie the sex act in her mind at the time would have crossed the line. The realization that she had let it get to that point I think hit her and she indicates she decided she couldn't take it any farther or it would tear her apart inside. Later on she indicates she realized that she had been kidding herself into thinking that the kissing she could rationalize in her mind as not being that bad, but when she faced the moment where the natural progression of passion takes you to the point of no return that she had been terribly stupid.

 

Again, I'm sure most of you are shaking your head thinking this guy doesn't have a clue. Again, my guess is the other guy did want to take it further and if my wife would have agreed he would have done so - thats how guys are. What I will never understand is the appeal of laying in bed with a pregnant woman - maybe he was thinking that if the conferences continue after she has the baby I'll be able to do more. Or maybe he is one of these guys that gets off on seeing how far he can get another man's wife to go - ie a power/ego trip - even though he may think in his own mind that he wouldn't have taken it farther.... I'm sure I'll never know. Maybe ignorance really is bliss....

[whichwayisup]

What I will never understand is the appeal of laying in bed with a pregnant woman -

 

But you can find out the appeal of your pregnant wife wanting to lay next to another man while carrying your child.

 

Maybe it is best to not know anymore or ask questions. If ignorance is bliss, it would've been better for her to relieve her guilt by confessing her affair to a Priest and not to you.

 

I hope you two do stay together though, life isn't easy with an Austic child.

[stampdaddy]

Scarred, I will speak for ME. I have read every letter of every word of every post you have written. My "feeling" is that "something" is missing. Maybe it is the sex part, maybe it isnt. YOU tell the story and you wonder about what the other man was thinking and "how could he" etc.. That is fine. I read the words that you write, and I wonder the exact same about a 7 month pregnant mother and wife who has a ring on her finger and all of the details that lead up to actually opening one of their hotel rooms.. Was it his? Did she invite him into HER room for a nitecap? What was the conversations that led up to going to the room? Were they excited to be seeing eachother before they got onto their respective airplanes? Idon't know.. All I know is that SOMETHING is missing here.. ALSO, how do you know that SHE was the one saying "NO?"