Long Time Ago affair

[scarred]

Athena - OK - I hear you. I think I've done that but I appreciate your advice.

[Athena]

Scarred, good luck, I am glad for you to know what you want going forward with your marriage and your wife.

The pain will lesson soon... it definitely helps to realize that she did that a long time ago, and that there is no threat of it continuing....

[Owl]

Scarred...a couple of thoughts for you.

 

First off, something you might consider about all the posters that are telling you that they believe that there is "something more" to your situation that hasn't been brought out yet.

 

Realize that most of us posting to you are former "BS's". We've gone through the pain of having had a spouse cheat on us, just as you are doing now. And both through our own bitter experience and through years of posting on this forum and others, we've seen similar patterns repeated over and over and over.

 

One of those patterns is that a "WS" (wayward spouse) or even a former one...rarely, VERY RARELY reveals the entire truth in one fell swoop. Much more commonly you will see them reveal secrets a little at a time. They do this as a method to gauge what the BS's reaction is, and how they'll respond to the next layer.

 

It's most commonly like peeling onions when you're trying to get the whole truth of what happened.

 

The typical response of a WS who is confronted with the affair is to deny, deflect, and then minimize the damage.

 

What you're seeing here is that people suspect the same thing has happened in your situation.

 

What you've described in what your wife has told you doesn't appear to be likely, given the massed experiences of the people here.

 

She might be telling the truth...but...the experience of most of us here leads us to heatily suspect that she's not.

 

With all of that said, I think you're on the money in seeking marriage counseling after this relevation you've come through in the last few weeks.

 

Something to keep in mind, and something to remind your wife of as well:

 

She's had 15 years to process and deal with this information. For her, this was 15 years ago...it holds little meaning in the face of the 15 years of marriage that have transpired since then.

 

But for YOU, you just learned about this last week. There is no 15 year of processing that's gone on. The wound is newly made...it's fresh and bleeding, not 15 years healed like hers is.

 

You're going to have to work to keep reminding yourself that it has been 15 years since this happened. You're going to have to focus on how things are for the two of you NOW, rather than what happened then.

 

It's not going to be easy, which is why MC can help you a lot with this.

 

Hang in there...keep looking for ways to deal with the emotions you're going through.

[scarred]

Owl - I understand that others are speaking from experience and I can appreciate their experience. However, when I hear the story and having known my wife pretty well for the past 14 years since, it does seem to make sense to me. And yes, while it does sound a bit implausible, I can see how the events might play out as she described.

 

I realize this is going to take a while, maybe a long-time to have the anguish fade. I have good days and bad. The good ones are when I think about moving forward, the bad are when I dwell on it and want to degenerate back down into the details. So I prefer to think to the future.

 

Thanks again for all the encouragement and advice.

[anijanoki]

I was pregnant when I started my affair. Newly pregnant too. I know that my husband wonders sometimes. I know it's his, I knew I was pregnant before the affair. When we got back together, he told me he may have a paternity test, but that regardless of the outcome that baby was his and that no one would know differently. He hasn't asked for a paternity test though, it's hard to tell what he thinks..But enough about me, maybe that guy did think it was his. You know your wife better then anyone else, or at least you thought you did. So does your gut tell you she is telling you the truth?

I know that I live in fear that my husband will change his mind and leave me. That fear that I am sure your wife is experiencing is gut wrenching. It makes you hold your breath and torments your mind.

I agree with everyone else. Go to counselling, with her or on your own. The things that go on in your head always find their way to the surface and spill into your life.

[Reggie]

Cost/Benefit analysis makes sense. Sounds like you have a good handle on what you want to do and are at peace with it. Good luck.

[scarred]

Anijonki - I appreciate your unique perspective. I'm pretty confident I have the real story as the conference where they would have first kissed was well after she would have become pregnant. As for the rest of the story, my gut does tell me its true, although I have to admit when I read some of the comments here, my confidence takes a bit of a hit.

 

I'm wondering - in your case did you come clean with your husband about how far it escalated when the topic first came up or did it take you a long time to finally reveal the magnitude of what occurred?

 

Again, I'm 99.9% confident he's mine since we look so much alike and of course I do believe my wife that there was no sex. We will continue the counseling and if something else is there to reveal then I guess I'll have something else to write about.

[whichwayisup]

Scarred, I hope things go well and we're all wrong - That your wife has totally come clean and what she's told you is the absolute truth.

 

I am sorry if I came across harshly or didn't seem supportive of what you're going through and your pain. Noone here wants to ruin your confidence or your trust in your wife, but just don't close your eyes completely.

[scarred]

Whichway - thanks. I don't have my eyes closed. But again, this happened 14 years ago - not like it was yesterday. And yes, she should have come clean back then. But she didn't. And I am 100% confident nothing has occurred since that time period. So, I guess it doesn't really matter what happened then - even if she is holding back a little truth because she doesn't want to hurt me. I can tell she has hurt herself regardless of how far it went. And I know we're both committed to making the marriage work better going forward - if at some point that changes then I guess we'll go our separate ways.

 

And of course if at some point a greater truth comes out about what happened then I guess as one poster stated, I just got one free get out jail card for life (just kidding....).

[whichwayisup]

Nah, two wrongs don't make a right..Going out and chasing/getting some tail for payback isn't worth it. You sound like a good guy and probably couldn't go through with it anyway..

 

Ok, then focus on counselling and making your marriage more open, honest and happy. Don't ever (each of you) put yourself in a situation where it could lead to other things, especially if it's a crush or feelings are involved.

 

Crushes are healthy as long as it's innocent, fun and platonic (that and the other person has no clue), it's when lines get crossed and real feelings get felt for whatever reason, is when the problems start.

[Dexter Morgan]

While this happened 15 years ago, for me it is new.

 

Does she still go on business trips and to conventions? If so, I'm willing to be it happened more than just 15 years ago.

 

 

So I am hurt and want to understand how this could happen. She indicates it was pure and simple a case where she knew what she was doing was wrong but it was the "sinful" side of her wanting to feel that thrill.

 

Well that "sinful" side and wanting a thrill doesn't go away. Unless she is a born again Christian, and even then, sorry to say that part of her character isn't going to change.

 

 

She never intended to have sex with the guy but the excitement in the "fantasy" world that being away in hotels can bring had a terrible hold on her. She didn't tell me earlier about this because she was afraid of losing me, although now she is very distraught about it and has tremendous fear I'm going to leave her.

 

Well she should be scared, and you should seriously think about leaving her. Ya ya, people will say, "but it happened so long ago, get over it". Sorry, I bet she did it more than just then.

 

In any case, I think she needs that fear instilled in her, and I wouldn't do anything to calm those fears. i wouldn't do anything to worsen them, but don't act like some whipped puppy and like she has you wrapped around your finger. I'd be getting angry and letting her know you are not going to be ok with this for some time.

 

She has alot of ass kissing to do if you decide to keep her worthless butt.

 

 

What is most painful is that during 3 of the 5 conferences when this was occuring she was pregnant with our baby (I know its mine).

 

Then I take it you had a paternity test done?

 

 

I'm not going to leave my wife because I love her, she is a totally different person now as evidenced by her faith and devotion for the past 14 years. However, this is the strangest situation I have ever been in and don't know how to process the feelings of betrayal - particularly given the pregnancy? Anyone out there have some helpful thoughts?

 

Yes if you are willing to ignore that she has a "sinful" side of her that could burst out if she ever found herself miles away from you again, I do have to say you are a fool for that. Not getting down on you. I've been where you have been. I feel for ya.

 

But if you are concrete in staying with her, then if I were you, a few things would have to be satisfied here.

 

One, she either does not go on these business trips any longer, unless you go with, or she finds a job that doesn't require them. She has proven she has a "sinful" side and can't be trusted when far away from you. When the cat is away the mice will play.

 

Second, if she is the type to go out with "the girls" and party, drink, club...whatever....i'd say those activities need to stop. If she isn't willing to stop things that more easily put someone in a position of cheating to put their betrayed spouse's mind at ease, then they aren't really too concerned about the state of their marriage.

 

I'd let her know that you now will no longer see her in the same light and will always be suspicious of her on some level. I'm not saying to be obsessed and overwhelmed with suspicion. But you will, and should, always from here on out have at least an inkling of supicion about her.

 

She needs to know that what she did changed you and changed the way you perceive her and that she has some MAJOR amends to make to at least allow you to gain some confidence back.

 

notice I said gain "some" confidence back, because you know the trust is forever broken. You can get "some" of that trust back, but never will it be completely and blind ever again.

 

She needs to know that.

[Dexter Morgan]

Through my prodding of her over time, I found out last week from my wife that she had an affair a long time ago - 15 years ago and 2 years into our marriage. She traveled to conferences with her job and was on committees with an outgoing gentleman about her age. He made subtle advances and over time through five different conferences it escalated from a kiss on the cheek to laying on a bed making out reaching a point where they had to decide if they wanted to take it further as in petting and sex. They evidently both decided they had reached their boundaries - that they were in love with their respective spouses and did not go further.

 

I have one thing to say about that as well.............bullsh#t.

[whichwayisup]

Does she still go on business trips and to conventions? If so, I'm willing to be it happened more than just 15 years ago.

 

He said she doesn't anymore and she's at stay at home mom. And, she isn't one to go off partying and drinking with the girls..

 

I do believe though if she cheats again in the future, all bets are off he won't give her another chance.

[stampdaddy]

here we go.........

[Dexter Morgan]

He said she doesn't anymore and she's at stay at home mom. And, she isn't one to go off partying and drinking with the girls..

 

I do believe though if she cheats again in the future, all bets are off he won't give her another chance.

 

Ok, missed the stay at home mom part.

 

But he said that they both reached their "boundaries" and didn't take it any further.

 

So her boundaries are she will make out with guys, but won't go past that?

 

That coupled with the fact she admitted to having a "sinful" side and wanted that thrill leads me to feel that if given the right opportunity, she will cheat again.

 

And she had sex with the guy....she is lying her ass off.

[vnqsh2001]

And she had sex with the guy....she is lying her ass off.

I'm with Dex on this. Fifteen years ago or not, she still cannot face the consequences of what she has really done and you, the BS, cannot face the pain of reality. Wake up and smell the coffee before it burns you, man. Wives cheat on their husbands and it's time you joined that club because you've already been made a full-fledged member whether you like it or not.

 

You need to admit the truth to yourself and deal with it even if your wife won't give you that satisfaction herself. Sometimes they just won't, because the social stigma attached to a cheating woman is too great.

[Lizzie60]

Hum... let's see... I only read the first 2-3 pages.. and I have to agree with 2sunny...

 

I would bet my life that they had sex.. there was no chance of getting pregnant, since she already was..

 

Come on.. it's been 14 years.. (not sure why you just heard about it..but anyway)... you forgave her.. you believe her.. you still love her.. then what's the big deal?

 

Just be happy!

 

ps: I see lots of MM... you'd be amazed how the W believe their lies/excuses.. One W even caught our emails.. we were 'clearly' saying he would pick me up.. blablabla.. he said he 'was going to.. but never did'.. she believed him.. we had an affair that lasted about 15 months.. He said he went to counselling with her so she would move on.. and forgive him.. they're still together... He said he'd be back one day..

[anijanoki]

{"I'm wondering - in your case did you come clean with your husband about how far it escalated when the topic first came up or did it take you a long time to finally reveal the magnitude of what occurred?"}

 

Well my husband found out with the OM told him. And the OM told him cause I told him it was over, and needed to try to save my marriage. Mind you me and my husband were separated at the time and I had move in wiht OM. Anyway, OM did it out of spite to try to make sure no reconciliation would occur.

 

Anyway when me and H got back together, there were a lot of questions, ackward questions. And I must admit I was really ashame and had a hard time answering them, but I came clean and try to clarify any questions H had. He had a right to know. He needed to know to make sense of it in his mind. Is that how you feel?

 

H was drinking alot when we got back together. Sometimes I think that ease the blow for him. And now that he is sober, more questions pop up but he doesn't want to talk about the affair, maybe because the pain is more raw when not numbed by alcohol?

 

All I can say is open communication is key. There are stuff that I want to tell H about waht was going on in my mind before, during and after the affair. And I want to know what was going on in his.

 

There is abook I read, I can't remember the name of it, but basically it says to set time aside, once a day, once a week, whatever, where the cheated spouse can vent to the cheater. Say whatever, scream, swear, nothing physical though, just vent and get it all out in the open. And the cheater needs to respect the cheated spouse enough to sit there and take it in. And then have another session where the cheater basically begs for forgiveness. I know it sounds cheesy. But things need to get out, or they may find a damanging way to be heard.

 

I don't know about your wife, but I think I will always feel unworthy of my husband. I mean bottom line of a spouse that takes back the cheater is that the love they have for that person is real. And at least for me, why would I want to lose that? That love is pure and worth making any effort or sacrifice for.

[Reggie]

You could probably clear this up with a polygraph, Scarred. They are not too expensive and I cannot imagine your wife resenting this request in light of the fact that she caused all this. Why no suggest she take one and clear the air? Her reaction will speak volumes. But, even if she agrees, you should follow through. Many lying WSs agree at firstbanking on the test being cancelled in response to their professed willingness to take it. Then when the time approaches, they often come forth with different info.

 

I'd say there is a good chance she is lying. If it is important to you whether she had sex, this is an option.

 

On the other hand, in my mind, laying in bed making out is just as bad. So, maybe it does not matter. Betrayal is betrayal.

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

The issue is, she did this 14 years ago. In your mind it happened the day she told you. I am sure you have had a good marriage. And it may get better. But you will never have the same level of trust with her again (if any at all). She did not face the music and work through the contrition. She just waited your anger out, built up enough credit in you love account, and then drew out what she needed. She believed her balance covered it. And felt confident that you wouldn't close the account. I would probably be the most pissed about her testing the water so soon after marrying.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'd say there is a good chance she is lying. If it is important to you whether she had sex, this is an option.

 

On the other hand, in my mind, laying in bed making out is just as bad. So, maybe it does not matter. Betrayal is betrayal.

Yes, and forgiveness is forgiveness. I think that Scarred has decided that the 15 years since then is a "pay forward" for his wife's mistake. I'm not sure if it matters at this point if it was a bad mistake (kissing) or a horrible mistake (sex).

 

Look at it this way - had he found out about this then, what more could you ask of a repenetent WS than 15 years of love, faithfulness and devotion. She's done that and he should put this behind him (as hard as that is) and focus on being happily married for another 15 years...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stampdaddy]

Look at it this way - had he found out about this then, what more could you ask of a repenetent WS than 15 years of love, faithfulness and devotion. She's done that and he should put this behind him (as hard as that is) and focus on being happily married for another 15 years...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

My vote for POY (Post of the year...)

 

Mr. Stampy

[Reggie]

Yes, and forgiveness is forgiveness. I think that Scarred has decided that the 15 years since then is a "pay forward" for his wife's mistake. I'm not sure if it matters at this point if it was a bad mistake (kissing) or a horrible mistake (sex).

 

Look at it this way - had he found out about this then, what more could you ask of a repenetent WS than 15 years of love, faithfulness and devotion. She's done that and he should put this behind him (as hard as that is) and focus on being happily married for another 15 years...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No argument from me. I merely proposed a way of ascertaining the truth if that is important to him. It may well not be and that is just fine.

 

I have no problem with whatever his decison may be. I have no gripe about his wifes contrition and restitution , if that is how you see her living as she should have done all along the last 15 years.

 

Again this was merely a suggestion o a method of finding the truth. If he is okay with what he has, that's entirely his call. Same with forgiving. If it works for him, fine.

[Ramrod]

My advice, strap her a** into a chair and hook her up to a lie detector, you deserve to know everything she says is either true or untrue. Tell her the results of the lie-detector will create a new foundation of trust for your relationship, provided she passes it. That's what I would do. They can run about $700-$800, m,aybe a thou depending on where you live. Get one done, soon, so you'll know exactly what the hell happened between them. She OWES you that much now!!! Call it interest on 14 years of bs!

[Ramrod]

I see Reggie already advised you, GMTA!!!