Forgiving yourself after a relationship ends

[sad_panda]

How do you forgive yourself if you know your actions and behavior greatly attributed to your BF's decision to break up with you? For example, if you cheated on him, or took him for granted, or didn't treat him with enough respect, or abused his kindness too much, or always suspected (to the point of paranoia) that he had someone else, or just nagged him all the time, or just played mind games with him for the fun of it.

 

I know my ex is far from perfect and that he has a lot of shortcomings too. But the breakup was not the usual "it's not me, it's you." It was an "it's you" breakup, and all the blame and guilt were left on my shoulders to bear. I just want to get rid of those so I can truly move on. I'm in the process of moving on but my inability to forgive myself for now is hindering my progress.

[Geishawhelk]

First of all, it takes two to tango.

Now really and truly consider:

What proper proportion, really, what true percentage of this break-up was ENTIRELY and completely, solely, uniquely, down to you?

 

Is there anything he could have done, or said, to stop you from doing it, and working with you towards making things better?

 

To what extent can it honestly be said it was your fault?

 

Now, let's go from there.

[sad_panda]

What proper proportion, really, what true percentage of this break-up was ENTIRELY and completely, solely, uniquely, down to you?

 

To what extent can it honestly be said it was your fault?

 

 

I have a temper problem. I believe the cause of my anger is usually legitimate, but my manifestation of it is just horrible. It has always been a struggle for me, this temper of mine. I don't curse him or spew out profanities, but I know I could really say hurtful things when I'm mad. On top of this, I usually took the little things he did for granted. I was demanding, and I let him know that I expected more from him.

 

My ex told me that he was just tired of being understanding of my behavior. He was tired of feeling emasculated because to him he could never make me happy anymore.

 

Anyway he had other reasons for leaving me, but those are things that are more dependent on him (like how he realized that he doesn't see himself marrying soon) than on me.

 

I'm truly very sorry for what I did, and when we broke up I gave him my sincerest apologies (which he most likely didn't believe). I truly love him, and I don't know why I treated him the way I did...maybe I was just too complacent and confident in his love for me that I forgot to nurture it.

 

We're not going to get back together (he has a new girlfriend now, after just a month and a half of being separated), but I'm still hellbent on making myself a better and mellower person. I don't want this terrible pain I'm going through to be all for nothing, and I want to make sure that I get it right the next time.

[Ronni_W]

if you cheated on him, or took him for granted, or didn't treat him with enough respect, or abused his kindness too much, or always suspected (to the point of paranoia) that he had someone else, or just nagged him all the time, or just played mind games with him for the fun of it.

I believe the cause of my anger is usually legitimate, but my manifestation of it is just horrible

Yikees, that is kinda a lot to have to forgive all in one go, isn't it?

 

You may want to work on first finding ways to make your role in the "lesser" stuff okay, and then dealing with the "more serious" behaviours.

For example, taking others for granted is a fairly common mistake that is usually done unconsciously. NOT that it isn't harmful but, to my mind, it's not on the same level as consciously playing mind games just for the fun of it.

 

Paranoid suspicions come from feelings of insecurity. Nagging can come from having controlling tendencies, often combined with perfectionism. Anger comes from errors in thinking/perception, and is a maladaptive coping strategy.

 

Is it forgivable to have insecurity, and control, and anger issues, and a bunch of dysfunctional coping strategies? Hell, yeah!!!...we ALL do have some of all of that, to varying degrees.

 

More important is what you are going to do about all of it, starting today?

An anger management course sounds like a no-brainer. And then self-help or therapy to increase your self-esteem, self-worth, self-confidence.

 

The past is done and unchangeable. Just beating-up on yourself and feeling "bad and guilty" over it, is basically self-indulgent and non-productive behaviour...and self-loathing is self-sabotaging cos it just works to stop you from improving what needs to be improved.

 

So, forgiving yourself actually comes out as the ONLY sane and wise course of action for you to take. Yes?

 

It's not going to be easy to do the growth work that is required to get a handle on all of it, but the good news is that it is totally within your own power and control.

 

Good luck!

[eDave]

OMG Sad_panda.

 

No offense what-so-ever but you must be my ex. Seriously. I went through all of what you stated with my ex, with the added bonus of trust issues and accusations of cheating that made absolutely no sense and really came from left field. It was indeed very tough but I knew where they were coming from. It is as Ronni says (I am always agreeing with you. LOL).

 

Regardless, nothing I said or how I acted or 'improved' changed things. It got very tiresome many times and I just couldn't handle it sometimes. I needed many breaks to clear my head. I broke up with her many times over this, only to miss her, convince myself that it was all worth it because when she was 'happy' it was just the greatest thing ever in my life and ask her back. She did but nothing changed and neither did my tolerance levels. Finally, I am here now because she is "done" with all of the heartache, is convinced I was with another woman, just doesn't trust me. THIS is textbook insecurity. I am now a member of the many other guys who are all cheaters, liars, pigs, want nothing more than sex, etc., etc., etc.

 

If it helps, here is what I think now. Her personality, which is so much like yours, has doomed her to relationship failure every time. She is 42, engaged 7 times now and never married. Believe me there is a reason for it. For some reason, she thinks she is fine and that she will find the right person for her, one who accepts her for who she is and will be everything she wants him to be. She will not give up and won't 'settle' nor ever go backwards. Knowing that, do you really think she is going to find that now? The pool of available mates at 42 is pretty small and polluted. I feel a sense of sorrow for her with all of this pain I have now. I am one of the good ones and I know that. Not perfect but pretty damn good but I digress.

 

In the end, I don't dislike her. I really, really love her. I am 43 and have learned that I never really loved before I met her. At least not this intensely. She is who she is and I am not holding it against her. I hope your ex feels the same way. But I did become co-dependant. Your ex is not that. I believe she is making a big mistake and I am powerless to stop her. I spoke with an ex of hers once (shameful) and his relationship with her was just like mine, though he was painted as very black. Her past WILL be her future because she just keeps on looking for the person who accepts her the way she is, which is fine. But I do believe we have to take personal inventory and see what is not working for us and make positive change.

 

Don't do this to yourself. Take this time to look in the mirror and realize your part of it, which it sounds like you have. You can fix it. Awareness is the first and biggest part.

 

I am not putting you down in any way. But take from my experience with "you". Just do it. You will cross paths with him again and you will look better, which is an indication of being better sometimes.

[alwayssme]

Ok i have felt like that alot..its a part of the grieving process and thats the guilt part...it was hard to get over it and while yes i will always regret my ex, i am only human and so are you! we all make mistakes..sounds cliche but its the truth and everything u mentioned (except cheating) i have done it..u need to forgive yourself and alot of times people misinterpret what that means...forgiving yourself means accepting that you did something wrong--feeling guilt and remorse for it--sincerely recognizing your mistakes--regretting them--but knowing that no matter what, the past can NEVER be changed...the only way to "cheat" on changing the past is by being more cautious about your future.

[Ronni_W]

Forgiveness is the opposite of dragging around the emotional baggage of guilt, regret, blame, resentment, animosity, etc.

Self-forgiveness is accepting -- and being okay with the fact -- that you are human, with weaknesses and the ability to make mistakes, cause others harm, etc. (Forgiving someone else is accepting, and being okay with, their human-ness.)

 

After one has made amends as best one can, forgiveness means moving forward with a clear heart and mind, and the sincere intention to learn from the past so that one can do better in the future.

Forgiveness is letting go of guilt, regret, etc, not staying stuck recycling thoughts of, and feeling "bad" about, the past.

[sad_panda]

if you cheated on him, or took him for granted, or didn't treat him with enough respect, or abused his kindness too much, or always suspected (to the point of paranoia) that he had someone else, or just nagged him all the time, or just played mind games with him for the fun of it.

The faults I mentioned above were just examples of what I consider 'deal breakers.' For the record, I didn't cheat on him in any way and I was never the jealous type. He also had a lot of freedom and space. I also didn't nag. I, however, took him for granted, abused his kindness too much, and played mind games because I was passive-aggressive. I had a hard time telling him what bothered me (because I hated to nag) but I ended up playing mind games so that he could figure out what I really wanted. It all boiled down to my being a spoiled brat. I got angry a lot when I didn't get what I wanted.

 

However, I know I treated him badly. I'm full of remorse.

 

Thank you for everyone who posted. All of your replies give me hope that I'm not a lost cause. I think my ex will be my biggest regret (he was really a nice, sweet guy) but I don't want to be chained by the mistakes I did in the past.

 

eDave, I'm glad to hear that you don't dislike her. Hopefully my ex feels the same way. I hope he doesn't hate me.

[Geishawhelk]

I echo Ronni's Post. Half the cure is to wish to be cured.

Anger management is a great place to start....

Please try to move forward, because guilt is like a quagmire, that keeps you stuck and unhealthily focussing on the wrong things.

[Meaplus3]

Well, I think the best place to start is to accept that thnigs just were not meant to be for what ever reason. When you can accept that.. it makes it much easier to move past the relationship.

 

Mea:)

[sedgwick]

I feel the same way, except my boyfriend left me because I wasn't the right kind of artist. I would have given him anything in the world, but I got left because what I do was not as good to him as what he does. Talk about not being able to forgive yourself.

[Ronni_W]

I wasn't the right kind of artist. ...what I do was not as good ... Talk about not being able to forgive yourself.

Hey Sedg.

Close as I can tell, the process of forgiveness is exactly the same NO MATTER WHAT the specifics.

It's you forgiving yourself for being the human who cannot live up to all standards, and who cannot play all instruments at highest levels.

 

The errors in thinking that allow you to let someone else set a standard for you and to compare yourself to others' skill levels, is a different matter. But then forgiveness comes in again, whereby you accept and allow that one of your human weaknesses is to indulge in these mental errors.

 

The forgiveness part is the same. It can be done whenever you're ready to do it.

In the meantime,

Sending hugs, courage and strength.