getting over an affair

[taylor]

If the general consensus is that men enter affairs because of a sexual attraction and women enter affairs because of an emotional connection, would it make sense to generalize that women would have a more difficult time overcoming an affair than a man?

 

In other words, wouldn't it be easier for a man to forget and move on from a sexual attraction than for a woman to forget and move on from an emotional attachment? (This is given that the affair partner is no longer in the picture)

 

If this is true...just one more reason women should think twice before taking that leap. Thoughts?

[Geishawhelk]

People have affairs/screw other people because they want to.

 

Bottom line.

 

We can apply all kinds of emotive labels, but they can be interchangeable, so it's not as stereotypical as you make out. But the bottom line is that people have affairs, then try to justify/explain the rationale afterwards.

The reason people have affairs is because it's natural to do this.

[Athena]

Yes, but apparently men need sex in order to feel/ gain an emotional connection, whereas women need the emotional connection first before they commit to the sex.

 

So, I would assume that any affair eventually involves the two components of sex and intimacy. This would make breaking it off from the OM/OW equally difficult to detach from, because at a certain point ALL affairs pretty much get to that point where both sex & feelings are an issue... It's just a different time line as to how they get there.

[sadintexas]

I don't think that's the general consensus at all. My personal belief is that people seek something outside of the marriage that they aren't receiving in the marriage. Sex may be that sometimes, but often it is emotionally driven for both genders.

[Trialbyfire]

While I understand this is a generalized thread, I can specifically say that my ex-H had an affair for emotive reasons. He needed a narcissistic supply.

 

His OW wanted sex, so he gave it to her, gifted man that he was.

[Geishawhelk]

I don't think that's the general consensus at all. My personal belief is that people seek something outside of the marriage that they aren't receiving in the marriage. Sex may be that sometimes, but often it is emotionally driven for both genders.

 

Emotions are different to instincts.

We splatter our emotions all over our instincts and try to find reasons for justifying everything.... It's easier to make things complicated, because we are human. Things are MEANT to be complicated.

It's the price we pay for having intellect and reasoning.

[65tr6]

If the general consensus is that men enter affairs because of a sexual attraction and women enter affairs because of an emotional connection, would it make sense to generalize that women would have a more difficult time overcoming an affair than a man?

 

In other words, wouldn't it be easier for a man to forget and move on from a sexual attraction than for a woman to forget and move on from an emotional attachment? (This is given that the affair partner is no longer in the picture)

 

If this is true...just one more reason women should think twice before taking that leap. Thoughts?

 

taylor, i could not agree with you more. I know folks will jump all over when you make general statements like this but in the last several months that has been my experience.....From what i have read on several websites and also learning from others. Not too many out there that truely want to recover from an affair where the wife strayed.

 

When men stray, they are fairly quick to jump right back in (assuming that BW takes him back). From what i have read here and other place, it usually takes few weeks before they are working on the Recovery plan. In cases of woman, you are talking months, if not years, before they can even can get out of the fog. (depending on the affair ofcourse).

 

When a woman strays, assuming that husband is willing to fight for the marriage and wants her back....it is SO difficult and painful for both that you start to wonder. Is this ever going to work ? I dont think i have lost hope but I still think it is well worth it in the end.

 

I also believe that when men stray they do it primarily for sex. (bring on the 2X4s, i am ready for it). That does not mean there is never emotional bond in the illicit affair but I have hard time thinking that men do it primarily for emotional support.

 

What amazes me is when woman, who have little kids, actually have affairs. What in the world are they thinking ??? (I know that goes for men as well)

 

I know the statistics say that a woman has an affair it is more likely to end in an divorce. I am not sure if it is because men have difficult time accepting back an unfaithful wife or is it too painful to recover from such a trauma. In either case, it is easier to take the easy way out and i think most people do.

[Reggie]

First, the question seems to presume that emotional attachment is deepr or more entrenched than sexual attraction/attachment. I don't think these things can be quantifed. If a man is there for sex, it may be every bit as difficult to walk away from as walking away from an emotioanl attachment. And, as another poster said, I think we are fooling ourselves if we beleive for many women this is not all about sex. Women are every bit as drawn too sex as men are, and it is just as common for the draw to be entirely physical. Check out the recent cougar phenomena.

Actually, I've read that in many case, particularly when a women reaches her late thirties, with testosterone increasing, the urge for strange, pure physical connection is greater in women than it is for men of a similar age.

 

As for affairs being about looking for something missing in a marriage,that may be the case. Problem is that in many cases the expectation that is not being met is very unrealistic. You still see folks on some of the threads talking about finding soulmates well beyond the typical age when it would be expected one would have a better handle on reality.

[Trialbyfire]

Actually, I've read that in many case, particularly when a women reaches her late thirties, with testosterone increasing, the urge for strange, pure physical connection is greater in women than it is for men of a similar age.

 

Just to provide some information about this, women experience their highest level of testosterone at 20, where it halves by the time they hit their forties.

[Reggie]

I may have misread the article ,then. Perhaps it was the diminishment in estrogen as compared to the testosterone level that the author claimed caused the desire to increase. I'll check on that. It may not be entirely accurate at all.

In any case, this author claimed sexual desire in women peaked late to mid thirties for biological reasons.

[Trialbyfire]

In any case, this author claimed sexual desire in women peaked late to mid thirties for biological reasons.

I agree with this. The biological clock is ticking for certain.

[anijanoki]

i think an affair is hard for everyone. The cheater when he/she is really regretful, and the cheated.

I don't think it's harder or easier for either gender to get over it

[IfWishesWereHorses]

My personal belief is that people seek something outside of the marriage that they aren't receiving in the marriage.

 

Ummm... like sex with someone else. I'll go with this.

[Meaplus3]

If the general consensus is that men enter affairs because of a sexual attraction and women enter affairs because of an emotional connection, would it make sense to generalize that women would have a more difficult time overcoming an affair than a man?

 

 

I don't think that makes much sense at all. All men and woman are not alike. Each person is unique and enters into an affair for thier own reasons. When and if the affair ends, then the recovery time and method IMO is not the same for everyone.

 

 

If this is true...just one more reason women should think twice before taking that leap. Thoughts?

 

Men and woman should think twice before taking that leap.

 

Mea:)

[Geishawhelk]

Of course, it could be argued that they shouldn't take that leap at all.....!

[jasminetea]

I agree with sadintexas, but that doesn't mean they should be receiving whatever it is they have an affair to get.

My personal belief is that people seek something outside of the marriage that they aren't receiving in the marriage.

Ummm... like sex with someone else. I'll go with this.

 

*snigger* Many a true word... and all that.

[skywriter]

I can't speak for others but as a former OW. I have to agree with Geishawalk. I did have an A with a MM.

 

I was much lonlier than I realised because I worked two jobs. I tried to concentrate on myself for eight yrs , I was alone, just myself and my kids.

 

The MM was crafty, he loved my son, took him fishing, helped him repair things, cars etc. Maybe he had alterior motives, maybe not.

 

Bottomline, I am responsible for my choices and I accept that responsibility. I knew better and I didn't do better for my own selfish reasons.

 

The A changed me into someone that I didn't recognize, someone I would never want my children to know.

 

I never want to treat an innocent W this way again. I'm so relieved it's behind me.

[taylor]

Yes, but apparently men need sex in order to feel/ gain an emotional connection, whereas women need the emotional connection first before they commit to the sex.

 

Athena, this is what I keep reading over and over again on forums like this and in other literature regarding relationships. I never really gave this much thought. I wonder how true this really is.

 

So, I would assume that any affair eventually involves the two components of sex and intimacy. This would make breaking it off from the OM/OW equally difficult to detach from, because at a certain point ALL affairs pretty much get to that point where both sex & feelings are an issue... It's just a different time line as to how they get there.

 

What if the affair is strictly an EA...say it ends before it turns into a PA..before the affair partners cross that line? Does that mean that the woman has already formed an emotional attachment but the man has not because he has not had sex with her yet? Could you then say it would be harder for the woman to overcome the affair because the man did not have sex, therefore, did not form an attachment either? She would have an attachment to break free from. He would have a sexual attraction to break free from. Is one harder to break free from than the other?

 

I have read over and over again on these forums how men can compartmentalize sex...separate it from their feelings...perhaps have sex without forming an attachment...and how women have a much harder time compartmentalizing.

 

In fact, when I posted on here almost a year ago, ready to cross the line into a PA, posters warned me emphatically to NOT cross that line because of the real possibility that I would form a deep attachment to the OM if I did, but that he may not. Some went as far as to say that he would JUST be using me for sex...meaningless sex.

 

So, if this is true, and say an affair crosses the line into a PA, again, I ask, who has the harder time getting over the affair...the woman who forms a strong emotional attachment after sex or the man who can compartmentalize sex, use the affair partner for meaningless sex, and not necessarily form an attachment. Do they form an attachment after sex or not?

 

I guess I am kind of playing devil's advocate here.

 

There is just so much talk on these forums about how men compartmentalize, how they use women for sex, how the women mean nothing to these men..just side dishes. Is this really true?

 

And then you read over and over again the stories of the OW...how they love their MM and hold on for months and years hoping their MM will leave their W's and be with them in a happily ever after. Rarely do you see the OM or MM pining away like this (I know their are exceptions!). Even if you google "affair" there is a ton of info regarding the MM/OW affair dynamic with the focus on how the OW/MW can free herself of this situation.....very little emphasis on how the MM/OM can free himself of the situation. Why is that?

[Athena]

 

There is just so much talk on these forums about how men compartmentalize, how they use women for sex, how the women mean nothing to these men..just side dishes. Is this really true?

 

 

Take my H for an example -- over two marriages he has had affairs with 12 women. He always managed to compartmentalize the affair from the marriage and the sex from falling in love with them. No matter if the cheating was a one-night-stand, a weekend affair, or over a year or more. Except for this last affair -- he fell in love with her.... funny thing was he finished up his time abroad, said goodbye to her at the airport & they broke up, and he returned home to me. She, within one month, was dating his best friend there.... and they are now talking of marriage.

 

So, I guess while my H thought he was very clever at keeping his feelings and emotions out of all his affairs, he was caught out himself this last time, and it hurt him big time.

 

Yes, there are exceptions.... there always are to every 'rule'. But you, being a potential OW have to watch out for being taken advantage of by a MM who just wants 'extra' on the side, and is not looking for true love -- whether or not he finds it with you is questionable, but I believe he is not actively looking for love, but for other stuff that comes with affairs -- fun, excitement, thrills, sex, validation, affection, companionship, etc

[stampdaddy]

I agree with sadintexas, but that doesn't mean they should be receiving whatever it is they have an affair to get.

 

 

*snigger* Many a true word... and all that.

 

"Snigger".. can you say that??

[OWoman]

I have read over and over again on these forums how men can compartmentalize sex...separate it from their feelings...perhaps have sex without forming an attachment...and how women have a much harder time compartmentalizing.

 

I find these gender stereotypes very far from my lived experience. I've had many As, and in each one it was the MM who formed the emotional attachment, not me - I just wanted sex. I had my life very neatly compartmentalised - which I did with ease - whereas they struggled with that. Once they had a good thing going with me, they fell in love and had to be dumped, since that wasn't what I wanted. In some cases they left their Ws for me, and then found themselves all alone.

 

In my last A, we both formed emotional attachments and decided to be together, so he dumped his W and we're about to marry. But still, at the outset it had been about sex for me (the emotional attachment came later) while for him it had been primarily about the emotional attachment with the sex as a bonus.

[Dexter Morgan]

If this is true...just one more reason women should think twice before taking that leap. Thoughts?

 

Thoughts? Women, or men for that matter, should think twice before cheating because they don't want to hurt the one they supposedly love and don't want to become that which they should despise.

 

Not out of fear that they won't be able to get over the affair.

[Reggie]

I find these gender stereotypes very far from my lived experience. I've had many As, and in each one it was the MM who formed the emotional attachment, not me - I just wanted sex. I had my life very neatly compartmentalised - which I did with ease - whereas they struggled with that. Once they had a good thing going with me, they fell in love and had to be dumped, since that wasn't what I wanted. In some cases they left their Ws for me, and then found themselves all alone.

 

In my last A, we both formed emotional attachments and decided to be together, so he dumped his W and we're about to marry. But still, at the outset it had been about sex for me (the emotional attachment came later) while for him it had been primarily about the emotional attachment with the sex as a bonus.

 

Wow, I agree with O. These steroetypes ar BS in my opinion. I know so many women that view sex as mere recreation, just like it is alleged guys do.

For some strange reason, society just does not want to acknowledge that there are many, many women who desire sex without attachments. I think the concept scares some folks. But, it is reality. I've been propositioned tons of times for casual sex and I'm not Brad Pitt.

[taylor]

First, the question seems to presume that emotional attachment is deepr or more entrenched than sexual attraction/attachment. I don't think these things can be quantifed. If a man is there for sex, it may be every bit as difficult to walk away from as walking away from an emotioanl attachment. And, as another poster said, I think we are fooling ourselves if we beleive for many women this is not all about sex. Women are every bit as drawn too sex as men are, and it is just as common for the draw to be entirely physical. Check out the recent cougar phenomena.

Actually, I've read that in many case, particularly when a women reaches her late thirties, with testosterone increasing, the urge for strange, pure physical connection is greater in women than it is for men of a similar age.

 

As for affairs being about looking for something missing in a marriage,that may be the case. Problem is that in many cases the expectation that is not being met is very unrealistic. You still see folks on some of the threads talking about finding soulmates well beyond the typical age when it would be expected one would have a better handle on reality.

 

The part I bolded is just the thing I have been pondering for a long time and that which I am seeking some insight into.

 

So many responses on this and other forums can lead one to believe that men can have sex and just walk away without a blink of the eye....meaningless, utterly meaningless.

 

By the same token, there are so many OW on this and other forums who pour out their hearts, seemingly hopelessly in love with an affair partner they just can't seem to break free from once they have had sex.

 

OW/MW who want casual sex and OM/MM who want love/relationship seem to be in the minority here.

 

So, wherein lies the real truth?

 

And again, would it not be easier to walk away from casual sex than a relationship with more emotional involvement?

[taylor]

Thoughts? Women, or men for that matter, should think twice before cheating because they don't want to hurt the one they supposedly love and don't want to become that which they should despise.

 

Not out of fear that they won't be able to get over the affair.

 

I totally agree with you Dexter.

 

The sad thing is most waywards do not think of their spouse when involved in an affair.

 

If they don't think of their spouse, then maybe the next best thing would be to think of what would be in THEIR best interest...to think of the hurt and heartache that lies ahead if they take a turn down this dangerous path. It's just ONE more reason not to go there. Especially for women who often put their heart into an affair.

 

I also think it deserves mentioning how difficult it is to overcome the emotional aspect of an affair because it truly is an uphill battle for any couple who decides to make an attempt at recovery. For those not interested in recovery, the point is moot.