getting over an affair

[tchrgrl]

I forgot to thank you Taylor for getting what I am talking about in regards to putting everything into the marriage only to have my H blow it off. It does get discouraging. And though I can take the harshness of some of the posts directed at my situation, it is nice to find support as well from people who know what I am talking about/going through

[65tr6]

I would have felt terribly weak/guilty telling you all that I had broken my NC streak! Deep down I was thrilled to know he still thinks of me but I focused on all the terrible things he has done to me and I tried to imagine my children finding out. .

read my earlier post....that is exactly what i had said. That deep down you were looking forward to hearing from him. You should come out clean with your husband and pray that he wants you back..Together it is easier to fight the OM.

 

Remember everytime there is a contact (no matter how) the NC clock gets reset. So your 21 or 22 day clock just went back to 0.

[Reggie]

I forgot to thank you Taylor for getting what I am talking about in regards to putting everything into the marriage only to have my H blow it off. It does get discouraging. And though I can take the harshness of some of the posts directed at my situation, it is nice to find support as well from people who know what I am talking about/going through

 

Well. it's terribly hard to be objective about oneself in terms of how much you bring to the marriage. There are two sides to this and your H may have a very different view. Throw in the need to justify in order to preserve the image you have of yourself, the already displayed dishonesty and willingness to potentially inflict incredible pain on your H and family, and it is difficult to accept that your role in the marriage and your H's perceived deficiencies are accurate.

[roybatty]

First, I don't beleive there is a difference in the way men and women form attachments or view sex, as I mentioned.

 

I think that woman are more picky about who their sex partner is going to be. Most woman could have a multitude of willing men, ready to have a one night stand. They wait around until they find someone they think is suitable. This doesn't have to run to the extreme of deep emotional attachment. Men on the otherhand, have to work harder to find a willing partner. When they find a hot prospect, they may work harder to keep that option available. There could be some disappointment for the man if that woman fell through.

 

There is a difference in the way men and women form attachments, or should we say, approach encounters.

[taylor]

Taylor, I beleive you have a terrible misconception of how man are. In a previous post, you said men have a terrible time opening up and do not want to look at themselves.

But, look at all the authors,poets, and philosophers that are men.

 

You are looking at caricatures of men, the butt slapping, have a beer , Al Bundy thing seen portayed in films etc. It's baloney. I've had many intimate conversation with my buddies and I do not think I am the exception.

 

I don't understand the affinity for going with stereotypes. I kniow many women who are invested in things like the Brad/Angelina story or crap like that. These are people you consider invested in opening up and communicating on an intimate level?

 

Sorry if my stereotyping/generalizing has offended you, Reggie. I don't mean to. And I really don't want to lump all men into a particular category. I know there are many exceptions.

 

But in my life experience, I see women being more comfortable with opening up to others than men. Women cry at weddings and romance movies. Few men do, in my experience. Women carry on and on about men who broke their hearts...look at the OM/OW forum...it's monopolized by women...where are all the men? Check out the male poster who started a thread regarding gender differences on this forum. He is a man claiming men "just want to get their stick wet" and can and do do it with no emotion...that men don't want all the emotional stuff...that they lie about their feelings, dupe women into thinking they love them...just to get in their pants. This is a man reporting on the male psyche. We've heard this before. What are women to believe if men like this are telling us this is how it is?

 

I believe women are more emotional than men and they either have an easier time expressing it or a harder time controlling it. Men have an uncanny ability to control strong emotions. Why they choose to control their emotions, rather than express them, I don't know. This is just my life experience.

 

I also believe men have a sense of pride about themselves, moreso than women do. And that for that reason, they are sensitive to criticism about themselves. I think a woman is more likely to beat herself up if someone points out a flaw or error. A man is more likely to counter the accusation or criticise the accuser, keeping his pride in tact. I have seen this many times over.

 

Example: if someone tells a woman she has a fat butt, she's likely to fret about it. Ask her best friend if she really does have a fat butt. She'll feel bad about it. Maybe look into exercises to fix it.

 

Example: if someone tells a guy he's a scrawny little wimp his first reaction would probably be to punch the other guy out..the "I'll show you who's a scrawny little wimp."

 

It's nice to know that there are guys like you Reggie that are comfortable enough in their own skin to verbalize their feelings and aren't afraid to show that they are human..with fears, weaknesses and flaws...just like the rest of us.

 

When I met the OM, this is one of the first things that attracted me to him. He was SO OPEN with very raw emotions. He wasn't afraid to show me how vulnerable he was. It instantly drew me to him because I was not used to men being like this.

 

Brad/Angelina who? I don't have any interest in that Hollywood crap.

[Woggle]

I just think that many women are addicted to emotional drama like it is crack and that is why they cheat. When a marriage is stable and on an even keel they get bored and want to stir things up so they have an affair. They become so addicted to these affairs because many times these men only want some fun and women hate being rejected. If your husbands had served you divorced papers on the spot instead of becoming lap dogs you would probably drop the OM in a heartbeat and beg for a 2nd chance. The number one element in a woman's attracting is respect and if a man is ready to throw a woman out on her butt if she betrays him he quickly earns her respect.

 

I think that many men are afraid to open up because most of the time these talks consist of the woman talking at the man and him sitting and taking it. She rarely has any use for hearing his point of view and looking at things from his perspective. It is all about him hearing how horrible he is and even if he breaks his back trying to please her she will still resent the hell out of him so why even bother? Women would really be shocked to find out what men say when they are not around because then we can truly open up without fear of starting a screaming match. It's not that men have no desire to fix a marrriage but many of us already know that Isreal and Palestine will have everlasting peace before we are able to please an angry and resentful wife.

[taylor]

I have not checked out of my marriage and my husband is not angry -he is indifferent. I don't find divorce to be an option as he is a good father and it would be unfair to my children to not be with their father on a daily basis. Financially it would be a disaster for all involved. My parents divorced when I was young and I would have rather them stay together for the "sake of the children" than create the insecure adult I am today. My husband and I get along well but there is no real emotional connection.

My children are happy and so I feel it is my obligation as their mother to forgo that emotional connection to keep their lives on track. I guess I have become indifferent as MC does not appeal to me at this time. After being in therapy at different points in my life, there is little left to say. I do blame my husband and will not back down on that. I am incredibly articulate in my needs/wants and expectations of what I want in my marriage. Like I said, my husband never takes it seriously. Maybe telling him about the affair would wake him up but I am not willing to go that route at this point. I am in the middle of the night replying to this as I can't sleep. MM made contact tonight via text and my head is very confused. I did not make contact back....this board actually helps. I would have felt terribly weak/guilty telling you all that I had broken my NC streak! Deep down I was thrilled to know he still thinks of me but I focused on all the terrible things he has done to me and I tried to imagine my children finding out. This kept me from making the wrong decision yet again. I'm sure people are wondering why if my parents divorced and I was so destroyed by it, why would I put my own children at risk? I ask myself that question everyday and I don't have a good answer. I think I have been lonely my entire life and am always looking for that connection with someone else.

 

Hi tchrgrl,

 

This post raises so many questions and concerns.

 

You say your husband is indifferent. This is a bad sign, I'm afraid. The opposite of love is not hate..it's indifference. Is it possible your husband may also be having an affair. This is not to make you feel worse than you already are, but if your marriage is in trouble and your are not connecting, to the point of indifference, it is a possibility.

 

Have you discussed these feelings of "indifference" with him?

Have you talked to him about how happy he is in the marriage? About his needs?

 

I ask this only because when I was so miserable in my marriage it never dawned on me to consider if my husband was also just as miserable as I was. Neither one of us was happy. But I only dwelled on my own unhappiness and what I wasn't getting out of my marriage. You may be surprised to find out he feels the same as you.

 

My husband didn't want to think about or talk about the marriage and he definitely didn't want to attend MC. He was in denial about how bad the marriage was..didn't want to admit it was on the verge of failing...was afraid. So he just closed his eyes to it and hoped it would all go away..work itself out.

 

 

Another question. You say you would rather stay in a poor marriage than get divorced for the sake of the children because you don't want them to suffer the effects of divorce like you did.

 

Do you really think your parents' divorce MADE you the insecure person you are today? Can you really blame that on their divorce? Do you think your parents' divorce was in THEIR best interest.

 

My parents divorced when I was a teen. It was horrible and it affected me for a long time. But I grew to understand WHY they divorced and that it was the best thing for each of them. To have stayed married would have been a terrible waste of two lives.

 

And now, about the OM. I am 11 months NC with an OM I had an emotional affair with. At one point, I actually thought he was the only person in the whole world who could make me happy. He made me feel so good about myself. I grew very dependent upon him.

 

But I realize now how toxic and unrealistic this relationship was. Drugs make people feel good, too, but they are toxic. Drugs can make you feel so happy, but they are toxic. The dependency is toxic.

 

You know in your heart that this affair is not good for you. He is not the answer to your marital problems. You said he has done terrible things to you. He is not in your best interests. He will do you more harm than good in the end. I am glad you had the strength to resist contacting him. NC is in your best interests even though it hurts right now to do it. The pain will subside with time.

 

In the meantime, try to communicate with your husband in a different way..approach in a different way...like some of the other posters on here have suggested. It's worth a try.

 

It sounds like your husband may be carrying some resentment or anger underneath that indifference (something made him reach the point of indifference). Get to the bottom of it. There has to be a reason he is "blowing you off."

 

Good luck and keep posting.

 

Suggestion: You may want to start your own thread regarding your situation because you will get alot more responses from posters who like to respond to newbies!

[taylor]

I just think that many women are addicted to emotional drama like it is crack and that is why they cheat. When a marriage is stable and on an even keel they get bored and want to stir things up so they have an affair. They become so addicted to these affairs because many times these men only want some fun and women hate being rejected. If your husbands had served you divorced papers on the spot instead of becoming lap dogs you would probably drop the OM in a heartbeat and beg for a 2nd chance. The number one element in a woman's attracting is respect and if a man is ready to throw a woman out on her butt if she betrays him he quickly earns her respect.

 

I don't think all women are addicted to emotional drama. But I do think women enjoy feeling alive...like having relationships in which their is a strong emotional connection..and when you have that, it's far from boring.

 

I think women get addicted to their affair partner because he makes them feel good about themselves. I think the same is true for men involved in affairs.

 

I don't think women in affairs want to divorce. Nor do they want their husbands to be lap dogs. I think there is alot of room in between being divorced and being a lap dog.

 

I think if a man throws a woman out on D-day, he holds on to his own self-respect and his pride.

 

You have to give respect to earn respect.

 

I think that many men are afraid to open up because most of the time these talks consist of the woman talking at the man and him sitting and taking it. She rarely has any use for hearing his point of view and looking at things from his perspective. It is all about him hearing how horrible he is and even if he breaks his back trying to please her she will still resent the hell out of him so why even bother? Women would really be shocked to find out what men say when they are not around because then we can truly open up without fear of starting a screaming match. It's not that men have no desire to fix a marrriage but many of us already know that Isreal and Palestine will have everlasting peace before we are able to please an angry and resentful wife.

 

I agree with your here, Woggle, as i have seen this many times in my life experience. But why do you think this is so? Why do men "sit there and take it"? Why aren't they the ones talking AT the woman and HER sitting there taking it? No one is holding a gun to his head, making him sit there taking it. How is it the woman has the power to do this to a man?

 

This is all a perfect example of a breakdown in communication..the major roadblock in fixing any marriage in trouble. And the longer a marriage stays in trouble like this, the more likely one of the marital partners will seek relief outside the marriage, IMO.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I have not checked out of my marriage and my husband is not angry -he is indifferent. I don't find divorce to be an option as he is a good father and it would be unfair to my children to not be with their father on a daily basis. Financially it would be a disaster for all involved. My parents divorced when I was young and I would have rather them stay together for the "sake of the children" than create the insecure adult I am today. My husband and I get along well but there is no real emotional connection.

 

You have "checked out"! Otherwise you wouldn't be playing around with other men.

 

This is driven 100% by your insecurity, selfish decision making, and lack of values. You made this choice, and you need to come to terms with that. This is not anyone's fault but your own.

 

I do blame my husband and will not back down on that. I am incredibly articulate in my needs/wants and expectations of what I want in my marriage. Like I said, my husband never takes it seriously.

 

me Me ME ME ME!!! That's all I hear. Chances are, that is all your husband hears as well. I would become indifferent to you just as he has. It's hard to make a great marriage with someone who takes, but does not give.

 

What part have you played in the state of your marriage? Yes you tried to fix it... but you tried to fix it for yourself. A marriage should be two people working for each other, not two people working for themselves. Do you understand the difference?

 

You should take some time and think about this. There are better ways to get what you want.

 

Maybe telling him about the affair would wake him up but I am not willing to go that route at this point. I am in the middle of the night replying to this as I can't sleep.

 

Right now it is easy to not tell him, because you blame him for your actions. Hopefully in the future your eyes will open and this will be much harder to do. Secrets hurt everyone involved... even you.

 

MM made contact tonight via text and my head is very confused. I did not make contact back....this board actually helps. I would have felt terribly weak/guilty telling you all that I had broken my NC streak! Deep down I was thrilled to know he still thinks of me but I focused on all the terrible things he has done to me and I tried to imagine my children finding out.

 

I was that guy once. I have an idea how he thinks and feels. Remember that for men their emotions most often lie with their duties! You are not his responsibility... Therefore in the end... you mean very little.

 

I'm sure people are wondering why if my parents divorced and I was so destroyed by it, why would I put my own children at risk? I ask myself that question everyday and I don't have a good answer. I think I have been lonely my entire life and am always looking for that connection with someone else.

 

You need to answer this question for yourself. It is a very important question to ask.

 

How important are your children to you? Do you think a good mother would put them in danger?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't think all women are addicted to emotional drama. But I do think women enjoy feeling alive...like having relationships in which their is a strong emotional connection..and when you have that, it's far from boring.

I don't think women in affairs want to divorce. Nor do they want their husbands to be lap dogs. I think there is alot of room in between being divorced and being a lap dog.

You have to give respect to earn respect.

 

There is a growing number of women who are addicted to emotional drama! How many stable relationships do you see on TV? I'm not sure women my age can even relate to them.

 

Maybe this is an age gap perception.

 

In terms of what women in a man... face it... women tend change their minds on this daily. Sometimes the lap dog sounds great... sometimes it's Mr. Backbone.

 

There is no hard and fast rule for respect. You can get it unearned. You can earn it and not get it. You can give it, earn it, and still not get it.

 

I've learned the best way to combat this as a man. Demand it.

 

I agree with your here, Woggle, as i have seen this many times in my life experience. But why do you think this is so? Why do men "sit there and take it"? Why aren't they the ones talking AT the woman and HER sitting there taking it? No one is holding a gun to his head, making him sit there taking it. How is it the woman has the power to do this to a man?

This is all a perfect example of a breakdown in communication..the major roadblock in fixing any marriage in trouble. And the longer a marriage stays in trouble like this, the more likely one of the marital partners will seek relief outside the marriage, IMO.

 

I've been the brunt of this one. In my experience the women who do this are doing it for emotional reasons. That means they are impervious to all forms of logic, and are processing emotional data like a high speed blender, while I'm using an eggbeater.

 

Bottom line is that society is teaching women that this is Ok when it's not. Somebody needs to explain to them that treating a man like a child create a child.

[taylor]

There is a growing number of women who are addicted to emotional drama! How many stable relationships do you see on TV? I'm not sure women my age can even relate to them.

 

Maybe this is an age gap perception.

 

There are many marriages..troubled marriages..that are full of emotional drama..and the couples involved in these marriages are stressed to the limit...some totally drained. I don't see the appeal of "emotional drama."

 

Also, could you define "stable" with regard to marriage? Stable may not necessarily mean both partners are happy, IMO. Sometimes the apple cart has to be upset for changes to occur that actually improve a marriage.

 

TV is not reality. The emotional drama there is meant to bring in higher ratings, not be a true reflection of society.

 

In terms of what women in a man... face it... women tend change their minds on this daily. Sometimes the lap dog sounds great... sometimes it's Mr. Backbone.

 

I think men change their minds, as well. They want their women aggressive in the bedroom but passive in public...the church lady, Martha Stewart, career girl, stay-at-home mom, and bedroom porn star all rolled into one. Which is it? Which one do they want?

 

 

 

There is no hard and fast rule for respect. You can get it unearned. You can earn it and not get it. You can give it, earn it, and still not get it.

I've learned the best way to combat this as a man. Demand it.

 

I don't see how anyone gets respect by just demanding it. They may get a facsimile out of fear and by force, but it isn't true respect. I think there has to be an element of admiration in there for the respect to be true.

 

they are impervious to all forms of logic, and are processing emotional data like a high speed blender, while I'm using an eggbeater.

 

Bottom line is that society is teaching women that this is Ok when it's not. Somebody needs to explain to them that treating a man like a child create a child.

 

There is no way to logically reason with another person whose emotions have taken over. It's the wrong approach. It doesn't work. You deal with the emotions by dealing with the emotions, not by trying to interject logic into them.

 

You deal with a grieving person by focusing on and validating their emotions.

 

You deal with an electrical problem by looking at a schematic.

 

Some issues call for logical thinking. Others call for emotive expression.

 

Why are you using an egg beater while she is using a high-speed blender?

 

Who in society is teaching women to treat men like children?

 

And why are men allowing women to treat them as such?

[tchrgrl]

This is not the kind of website I had in mind. Don't you people think that I beat myself up every hour for what I have done??!! I don't need to be condemned by strangers who are obviously holding on to lots of anger themselves. You can't beat up the spouse that betrayed you so you come here to punish those you think you can. If you're on here than I doubt you should be casting the proverbial stone! Thank you Taylor for your non-judgemental replies and advice. I came to this board 6 months ago when the A started and just read to see if others had experienced what I was going through. Now I know why I never posted. It's not worth it...

[Dexter Morgan]

This is not the kind of website I had in mind. Don't you people think that I beat myself up every hour for what I have done??!!

 

Dunno. In post 54 you make no mention of hurting your husband, only your kids. You also in that same post talk about healing and seems to be in reference of healing from the loss of the MM.

[Dexter Morgan]

I have not checked out of my marriage and my husband is not angry -he is indifferent. I don't find divorce to be an option as he is a good father and it would be unfair to my children to not be with their father on a daily basis. Financially it would be a disaster for all involved. My parents divorced when I was young and I would have rather them stay together for the "sake of the children" than create the insecure adult I am today.

 

 

So basically someone that suffered under the actions of a cheating spouse should stay with that cheating spouse and be miserable?

[Reggie]

Well, we'll have to agree to disagree on the emotional openess, Taylor. Perhaps there are more OW on the other forum because the moreOm have more empathy for the victims of their cheating and do not seek to justify it. I don't know, but it's a possibility that these OM don't seek support because they realize the wrongness of their actions.

 

i also think that each gender may not be privy to what the other is like when interacting with their own gender. The example you made of the guys discussing the marriage proposal is nothing like anythin I would have expierienced with my guy friends. There would have been a discussion about aspects of the impending nuptuals, although the inquiry may have been about different aspects.

 

And, believe me, many guys accused of looking like a scrawny wimp despite any adversarial reaction, would fret about it. And, I think any woman told she had a fat butt by a stranger would fire back in some fashion.

 

It just strikes me how invested we are in maintaining there are these huge differences between the genders. I know many guys that tear up or get lumps in their throats at movies(Scharzennegger always makes me misty:).

 

Seriously, though , there is a such a huge misconception about men, in general, IMO. As I mentioned earlier. how would it be possible that men are so well represented among authors and poets and musicians if they were not open about their feelings?

 

It is sad, IMO, to see how women and some men view guys the way they do. There may be stylkistic differences in how the genders express their feelings but I know my friends will open up. And, like i said, based on the sterotypes we see out there, these are guys that we are told , stereotypically, are not likely to open up.

 

I've seen and expierienced the phenomena of men being shut down by women when trying to express their feelings. I think some women view it as a sign of weakness and seeing it threatens their sense of security.

 

In my marriage, my wife gravitated toward a neanderthal types for her affairs. These were guys that I am sure I could best in any athletic endeavor. They wore their hats backwards and had tattoos. I'm also pretty sure I could kick their butts, if I needed to. But, the bad boy image drew her.

[Untouchable_Fire]

This is not the kind of website I had in mind. Don't you people think that I beat myself up every hour for what I have done??!! I don't need to be condemned by strangers who are obviously holding on to lots of anger themselves. You can't beat up the spouse that betrayed you so you come here to punish those you think you can. If you're on here than I doubt you should be casting the proverbial stone! Thank you Taylor for your non-judgemental replies and advice. I came to this board 6 months ago when the A started and just read to see if others had experienced what I was going through. Now I know why I never posted. It's not worth it...

 

I'm not hear to beat you up. I apologize if that is how it sounds.

 

I see the futility in the way things are for you now. I would like to see you make some changes. Since I have already been through this... I tend to know how these things go. However, if your not interested in listening, I will shut up and let you live your life as you see fit.

 

Best of Luck in Life! I mean that sincerely.

[Untouchable_Fire]

There are many marriages..troubled marriages..that are full of emotional drama..and the couples involved in these marriages are stressed to the limit...some totally drained. I don't see the appeal of "emotional drama."

Also, could you define "stable" with regard to marriage? Stable may not necessarily mean both partners are happy, IMO. Sometimes the apple cart has to be upset for changes to occur that actually improve a marriage.

TV is not reality. The emotional drama there is meant to bring in higher ratings, not be a true reflection of society.

 

You can't really argue that TV has no effect on our real life actions. Example, studies have shown that girls who watch large amounts of TV have an increased rate of teen pregnancy by over 50%.

 

And that makes sense. Garbage in, garbage out as they say.

 

Consider that what we see on TV is often what we aspire to be and to have. I think if you dated a few women you would understand what I am saying a little more. Not that men are very different in this regard.

 

I think men change their minds, as well. They want their women aggressive in the bedroom but passive in public...the church lady, Martha Stewart, career girl, stay-at-home mom, and bedroom porn star all rolled into one. Which is it? Which one do they want?

 

You are correct, we do! I freely admit that my list of wants is situational.

 

Remember, stereotypes are essentially averages. They never accurately represent one person. On the other hand, they are useful for understanding trends and generalities. That is why they exist.

 

I don't see how anyone gets respect by just demanding it. They may get a facsimile out of fear and by force, but it isn't true respect. I think there has to be an element of admiration in there for the respect to be true.

 

Respect is complex. When I say demand it... I don't mean "beat your wife until she respects you". I mean you need to make it an issue. When something is disrespectful you point it out and clearly request respect. If it is not given... this is a clear indication that the relationship should end. Walk away. A woman who doesn't respect you... doesn't love you.

 

There is no way to logically reason with another person whose emotions have taken over. It's the wrong approach. It doesn't work. You deal with the emotions by dealing with the emotions, not by trying to interject logic into them.

 

This isn't an issue of right vs. wrong. It's simply an issue of poor communication skills. Approaching a topic on an emotional level is fine, so long as it is done properly.

 

My experience has shown that more often than not it is simply a self centered rant. That is where the "Yes, Honey" approach is used by most men. Otherwise the situation would call for an open discussion and compromise from both parties.

 

Hen-Pecked husbands all over the world understand that it's a my way or the highway situation... so they simply become indifferent over time.

 

To be clear... There are men who do this to their wives as well, and not every woman does this. Just enough to make a discussion of it worthwhile.

[taylor]

Well, we'll have to agree to disagree on the emotional openess, Taylor. Perhaps there are more OW on the other forum because the moreOm have more empathy for the victims of their cheating and do not seek to justify it. I don't know, but it's a possibility that these OM don't seek support because they realize the wrongness of their actions.

 

I do believe there are men in touch with their 'sensitive' side who have no qualms about expressing it. But more often I see men with the tough guy image who wouldn't dare let anyone see them shed a tear. As women, we love both sides of them. Really, we do.

 

I am not so sure why you don't see many OM or MM on these forums. Most of the posters who come here do so because they are in some kind of emotional turmoil. They seek different things...answers, support, guidance, just a place to vent. But still, you see few OM or MM, compared to OW.

 

Again, it just makes me wonder if they do go thru the same emotional upset that women do at the end of an affair? Do they get emotionally attached to the same degree? Do they have an equally difficult time overcoming an affair as do the OW you see here day after day. And if they do, why don't you see many of their stories here.

 

I am going to question the altruistic motive that MM/OM don't need to post here because they realize the affair was wrong and don't need to come here to justify it. I don't think most are quite that noble.

 

 

i also think that each gender may not be privy to what the other is like when interacting with their own gender.

 

How nice it would be for each gender to be privy to that side of the other gender. I think it would go a long way to closing that gender gap, don't you think?

 

It just strikes me how invested we are in maintaining there are these huge differences between the genders. I know many guys that tear up or get lumps in their throats at movies(Scharzennegger always makes me misty:).

 

AAWW, how sweet!

 

But have you read the thread on this forum about male and female differences regarding affairs. That poster puts men in a truly bad light...emotionally-speaking. And he is a man. As a woman, I can't even begin to relate to what he is saying. I don't think or feel in any way the way he is describing men to be with regard to affairs. He is the kind of male that makes women like me believe men have no feelings - just cold and heartless. It is sad.

 

Seriously, though , there is a such a huge misconception about men, in general, IMO.

 

And who generates this misconception...other men, like the poster I mention above.

 

 

 

I've seen and expierienced the phenomena of men being shut down by women when trying to express their feelings. I think some women view it as a sign of weakness and seeing it threatens their sense of security.

 

For the record, I love to see men open up emotionally. To me, it's a sign of strength. A man comfortable enough in his manhood, to show his vulnerable side. I respect that in a man.

[tchrgrl]

Untouchable Fire -uou have the audacity to be critical of my parenting and then say you don't mean to sound harsh. You don't know me and I would predict that people who end up in affairs don't do so to intentionally hurt their children. If anyone had been through this, they would recognize that. Your comments on my husband's state of mind are so far off and your opinions on that are useless. I am the one living it. You act like I am a clueless wife who did this for fun! I come here so that someone who understands might comment with sensitivity. When you tear about people's posts and say nasty things, you defeat the goal of the website I'm sure.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I am not so sure why you don't see many OM or MM on these forums. Most of the posters who come here do so because they are in some kind of emotional turmoil. They seek different things...answers, support, guidance, just a place to vent. But still, you see few OM or MM, compared to OW.

Again, it just makes me wonder if they do go thru the same emotional upset that women do at the end of an affair? Do they get emotionally attached to the same degree? Do they have an equally difficult time overcoming an affair as do the OW you see here day after day. And if they do, why don't you see many of their stories here.

 

I did go through all of that emotional turmoil. It was tough. I never talked about it with anyone... mostly due to shame.

 

But have you read the thread on this forum about male and female differences regarding affairs. That poster puts men in a truly bad light...emotionally-speaking. And he is a man. As a woman, I can't even begin to relate to what he is saying. I don't think or feel in any way the way he is describing men to be with regard to affairs. He is the kind of male that makes women like me believe men have no feelings - just cold and heartless. It is sad.

 

We tend to compartmentalize better. I believe this is something that comes with high testosterone in maturation.

 

Consider the ramifications of this in nature. Humans are an apex predator. Our greatest threat comes from other humans... males in particular. To be successful you must be able to set aside the emotions that make us perform well in social settings. Women have this requirement to a much lesser degree.

 

Therefore you should be most attracted to a male that performs both functions well. Any imbalance should turn you away.

 

Captain sensitive has no biological edge. Mr. Constant Aggression will similarly be selected against.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Untouchable Fire -uou have the audacity to be critical of my parenting and then say you don't mean to sound harsh. You don't know me and I would predict that people who end up in affairs don't do so to intentionally hurt their children. If anyone had been through this, they would recognize that. Your comments on my husband's state of mind are so far off and your opinions on that are useless. I am the one living it. You act like I am a clueless wife who did this for fun! I come here so that someone who understands might comment with sensitivity. When you tear about people's posts and say nasty things, you defeat the goal of the website I'm sure.

 

I simply asked what YOU thought of yourself as a parent. I am making no judgment on that, because as you say... I do not know you.

 

Also, I did not intend to tell you what your husbands state of mind is. I wanted to paint a possibility you may not have considered.

 

I humbly apologize. I'm not here to bash you. I once made similar mistakes to you... I hope you don't have similar consequences. That is all.

[tchrgrl]

Thank you for your apolgy UF. As a mother, I am obviously not proud of my behavior. When in that affair fog, I don't think about my children finding out. When I am feeling weak, I do imagine myself having to tell them that I am the reason their father would be leaving and I feel physically ill. I have given all I have to my family....I do everything for everyone. My husband is the classic loner type and probably shouldn't have gotten married. And I don't say that to be mean or excuse my behavior. Dexter accused me of it being all about me, me, me. That is so far from the truth. Most women would agree that they do so much for their families and are underappreciated. Is that the reason to have an affair? No, but my chance came at a time that I was feeling very lonely and undervalued in my marriage. I am not ready to leave my marriage and I am trying hard to recover from this. I am extremely sensitive and do take in the things that people post on here but I won't allow it to be detrimental to my getting through this. I am not familiar UF with how your situation turned out but I'm sorry for anything similar you have gone through.

[Reggie]

Here's another possibility re less om here. Maybe they are talking to their male friends about their situationvs an anonymous board. If that is true9who knows) a case could be made for men being more willing to open up. I think there are so many possibilities like this that one cannot draw any conclusion about the lack of OM posters meaning men open up less.

 

I did see that other topic about male female differences. It was one guys view, and , perhaps a couple others. But, clearly, one cannot say this view represents evryone's expierience. I could point you to two OW's posters who routinely indicate that their affairs were merely physical. Does that mean all women are like this.

 

Taylor, as I aid before, the two examples you cited, the scrawny wimp thing and the wedding thing don't ring true at all to me.And, if you look at it, perhaps you'd agree that a man would be every bit as offended by a derogatory comment on his physical appearance and would not just blow it off and not fret.

 

Teacher girl has mentioned a couple times that she feels women are routinely underappreciated by their husbands. Believe me, many men feel the same way about their wives level of appreciation and many men feel they are doing the bulk of the contributing. Women do not have a monopoly on this.

 

I've just seen the type of justifying Tgirl is doing so many times by both genders. Her husband may have a completely different view on who is contributing more,who made the greatest effort in the marriage. It is unlikey this guy was satisfied and happy based on the way she describes their interaction. Yet, as far as we know, he did not have an affair. He did not give himself permission to cheat, as she did. And, she always had the option to seperate or divorce. The claim that she chose this route in consideration of her kids welfare makes no sense in view of the amount of damage she has done to her family by cheating.

[tchrgrl]

Reggie, it probably won't matter to you what I say about my husband as you already have me pegged as the villian. My husband lives the life of a 1950's husband. I handle all the shopping, cooking, and cleaning. The children's affairs are my responsibility. He does play with them but I do all the homework, volunteering, clothes shopping, school events, etc. He goes to work, comes home to a hot meal and reads the mail/newspaper. He may help put the kids to bed and then prefers to lie on the couch and watch TV. He is never rejected sexually by me and I ask for nothing. I work part-time and pay for the things I need. He has a great life. He doesn't care if we interact at night as he truly is a loner. He doesn't like to go out, while I do. He feels uncomfortable making small talk and I will talk to anyone. We are oddly matched and that's not the biggest problem strangely enough. He is emotionally/physically cold. You can't pay attention to someone only when you want sex. He could go days without ever touching me....not a kiss goodnight, hug hello....NOTHING!!! That is what is killing me. To not have that connection with the person you married is very disappointing. He would never have an affair as it would be too much work! Of course I was wrong to look outside of my marriage for that connection, but I could only be lonely for so long. And unless you've had kids, I have said before that I will not take away the father my children love so much so that my husband can be "set free" from my evil ways and I might find a man who is affectionate. It is a no win situation from my vantage point.

[Reggie]

Actually, I have 5 kids. I've seen the tremendous pain their mothers' cheating has caused. It has them very confused and hurting. So, I cannot fathom how, despite the deficiencies in your marriage, you would choose the route that will cause the greatest harm to all. It is totally inconsistent with how you portray yourself.

 

Why did you get married to your husband if he is as you say.If he was not like this during courtship, something must have changed in the relationship and your behavior could be playing a part.

 

I feel you need to realize that divorce would have been way healthier for all concerned. You did not have the courage to face it, though and that is truly tragic.

 

Mist therapist will tell you that infidelity is the most severe form of spousal emotional abuse. So, if you have it within you to do this, perhaps you have other abusive behavors that are causing your husband to withdraw.