getting over an affair

[taylor]

If i forget the affair then actually i already think my marriage is better...correction...my overall life is much better...for simple reason that we are communicating in a manner we never did before...and my relationship with my little son changed so much that i feel like i am on the Mount Everest. I have done it in a matter of months. My wife knows it and she saw all this happen in front of her own eyes in the last few months (ALL after d-day)...

 

BUT here is the part i dont like......

 

About my wife not connecting with me ...I know you said that is not a switch and i understand that it takes time...I start to wonder. This is just not right. Why should i continue to have feelings for her (I am not saying I dont want to put up a fight to save our marriage actually i do). Why should i continue to love my wife after all what she has done ? You would think after all this, I should have every right to feel angry and disgusted with her that I start to fall out of love with her. In reality, I feel the same way about her now as i did on the d-day. Absolutely no change. (ok, i was desparate back then). And that makes it even more hard for me. That is why i think it is SO difficult to recover if wife has an affair. There is always that dreaded emotional factor you have to deal with. With all the points for an against that i saw in this thread, I still think it is much easier to recover when men have affairs...assuming they get their act together and their spouse is willing to take them back....

 

I have no doubt this is going to take plenty of time. The thing is this whole experience has exposed both me and my wife as to what we are looking in a relationship. What our needs are. The issue is she is not ready to be back in a relationship! And unfortunately it took an affair for us to realize this. I know woman have great instincts in seeing some of this ahead of most men and i thought you mentioned to your husband about seeing a MC before you actually had the affair. I dont know if that would have helped or not.

 

65tr6,

 

When I read this, what I am hearing loud and clear is a marriage that is in the midst of recovery. Recovery is not a pretty sight. It's gut-wrenching. It's an emotional roller coaster ride. It's like walking through muck or over burning coals. But the point is you have a goal...to keep on walking til you get to the other side. You won't see or feel the happily ever after til you get through the muck.

 

You ask, "Why should I love my wife?" You don't have to. You can stop loving her and divorce her. You have that right and no one would blame you if you did. But if your goal is to save your marriage then you recommit to loving your wife. Love is a decision you make even if you don't FEEL it.

 

Recovery is not all about feel good feelings. Alot of time and focus is on all those other not so good feelings like guilt, anger and trust issues. But you can still love your wife even if you are angry with her...even if you don't think she deserves your love. And she can still love you even if she doesn't FEEL loving. She can choose to love you by what she does. This was a hard concept for me to wrap my head around at first. But the more lovingly your wife acts toward you,, the more likely she will start to FEEL love for you as well.

 

Have your wife think about what she did when she first met you and when you first started dating. I bet she DID alot of things for you. You DID alot of things for her. All of those things you did for each other led you both to become more emotionally involved with each other. You built a connection based on what you did for each other...kind, loving gestures. Love grows from these acts of love and kindness.

 

I tend to agree that marriages are more recoverable if it's the man that has the affair and especially in cases where the man compartmentalize the affair and the wife downplays the affair because she values the comfort and security he brings to the marriage.

 

I acknowledge that there are women who lust after men and enter affairs purely for sex, but it is hard to deny that many women do get emotionally involved in affairs. And that emotional bond is hard to sever. It takes time.

 

Let me ask you this, 65tr6, you say your wife is not ready for a relationship with you. Is it because she is still in the affair fog? Has she completely severed ties with the OM? Is she still in counseling? What does she say she wants right now?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I agree with this. Even though i hold my wife 50% responsible for the affair, I feel she was completely duped. Yes she admits she was naive and immature to have done what she did.

 

I'm going to be very blunt, because I have read a lot of your threads and have never really provided comment.

 

You come across as very weak. I think your wife simply does not have a lot of respect for you. If you can't fix that then your marriage will never completely get to where you want it. You may be happy with the progress right now... but believe me... No Woman on this Earth can love a man she Does Not Respect.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I surely don't know enough about this and is one reason I posed the questions in this thread. I know it has been nearly 11 months since my EA ended and the desire for my husband is just starting to return. It has been an uphill struggle to hold on to the few remaining fragments of our marriage and to try to piece the rest of it back together. But we are doing it and the committment to continue doing it grows stronger every day.

 

Yet, I still wonder. If it had been my husband who had had the affair, whether EA or PA, would he have struggled just as much as I did to return to the marriage? Could he have walked away from the affair partner faster or more easily than I was able to? My husband has been the most patient man in the world. If the shoe were on the other foot, I am not sure if I would have had it in me to be as patient.

 

11 months and your still having issues? That says more about your marriage than it does about your EA!

 

If it had been your husband who found someone else... more than likely it would have had a strong desire for him right away... and it would taper off over the ensuing months. That is when you would start to struggle.

 

Remember that a good part of what creates an attraction for you is 1. A need to get him and 2. a need to keep him. If he is already yours, and you don't have to do much to keep him... Why would you be attracted to him.

 

I believe if you think about it... you will find this to be true.

 

And it does seem there are alot of very bitter men who truly can't seem to get passed the betrayal, even if they divorce their wayward wife.

I'm not sure how much of that may have to do with how long it takes a wayward spouse to get over the affair. It seems like very few men are willing to wait for that to happen. They choose to wash their hands of the cheating spouse because they know they can never trust again, and of course, that is their right to do so.

 

From what I see, the majority of men with WW have a kneejerk reaction to try and fix the marriage. If that fails it leaves a very bitter taste.

[tchrgrl]

I do think it's a gender thing in most cases. There are exceptions to every rule of course. My A was emotional with sex as the secondary component. The MM was just in it for the thrill, sex with someone else. Claimed he married young and didn't have a chance to experiment. I went along because I loved the attention. Someone earlier posted they couldn't believe women with young children would risk an A. I have young children and still can't believe I did it. I would rather die than hurt them but I guess I think they won't get hurt. I am on 19 days NC and feel like I will never get over it. The A was less than 6 months so I can only imagine how stopping after 5 yrs. must feel. I just try to picture the faces of my sons and try to remind myself that it's not about my needs, but about theirs. This doesn't always work as many days I am constantly thinking about MM. I'm just hoping time heals as I hope it helps you too.

[65tr6]

I'm going to be very blunt, because I have read a lot of your threads and have never really provided comment.

 

You come across as very weak. .

with all due respect, I dont think so...I am not going to defend myself because i know who i am. Look, this is way too early for me, I have a long way to go. I will ask for your opinion again one year from now. Hope you stick around.

[65tr6]

Let me ask you this, 65tr6, you say your wife is not ready for a relationship with you. Is it because she is still in the affair fog? Has she completely severed ties with the OM? Is she still in counseling? What does she say she wants right now?

taylor, she is very very ashamed and is stunned by the events. She is doing her best to meet my needs and I have to admire her for that. She does not know what she wants at this point. She values marriage...that is one thing for sure....but she also thinks that i deserve much better. As far her fog, good point...Dont they say it takes a good six months sometimes for it to lift completely ? How long did it take for you ? If i have to put a number, i think she is about 60% out and my guess is it would take another 2 months or so before i can say for sure she is back on earth.

 

Yes she is still in counselling. It helped her tremendously in the beginning. She pretty soon knew that the A was her responsibility. She never blamed me for the A. Counselling really helped her identify issues that she could work on.

 

As far as ties with OM, they is complete NC the day after she confessed. She knows that even one attempt on her side to make contact will make things very ugly for both of us...I guess i am just frustrated with the slow progress (being impatient in general is not making it easy for me) but I also realize it takes years. I see owl, jw, yourself (the ones i have been following here) in front of me and mine is in infancy compared to rest of you folks.

[65tr6]

There are exceptions to every rule of course. My A was emotional with sex as the secondary component..

 

Sounds like very similar to what my wife went through. Actually carbon copy of what my wife said about her A.

 

Someone earlier posted they couldn't believe women with young children would risk an A. I have young children and still can't believe I did it...

 

I believe that was me. I asked that because i asked my wife the same question...What if my son had seen them together. Her response "I would have died of shame". Funny, when you are in the affair fog, you dont think like a normal person.

 

I just try to picture the faces of my sons and try to remind myself that it's not about my needs, but about theirs. This doesn't always work as many days I am constantly thinking about MM. I'm just hoping time heals as I hope it helps you too.

 

I havent read your story, but i am assuming you came out clean with your husband ? yep 19 days is nothing from what i have seen so far. Actually the first 4 weeks were the worst for my wife and then it got slightly better after that. Hang in there. Like you said, think about your kids to get through your worst moments of the day. My wife says it works most of the time.

[65tr6]

11 months and your still having issues? That says more about your marriage than it does about your EA!

 

If it had been your husband who found someone else... more than likely it would have had a strong desire for him right away... and it would taper off over the ensuing months. That is when you would start to struggle.

 

Remember that a good part of what creates an attraction for you is 1. A need to get him and 2. a need to keep him. If he is already yours, and you don't have to do much to keep him... Why would you be attracted to him.

 

.

Interesting, so what do you suggest ? Active dating on the part of BHs to give the WWs a sense of insecurity ? Not sure where you are going with this.

[tchrgrl]

thank you 65tr6 and I'm sorry to hear what has happened with you wife. I don't think I know your complete story but I thought of my husband as I was reading your posts. I have not told my H and would be afraid of ruining the lives of my children by doing so. I know everyone on here will tell me he deserves to know and has the right to make a choice to continue to be with me but I cannot hurt my young children that way. Thanks for your input on the affair fog lifting...I know that 19 days is nothing is terms of getting over this but it's a start. Seeing as the sexual aspect was secondary, I don't miss that part so much as the emotional attachment that was formed on my part with the MM. That's why I think most women (not to generalize) have a harder time letting go. I regress back to the feelings I had in h.s. when some crush would end. I am the typical under appreciated wife married for 8 yrs. and doing everything for everyone while getting little in return. My H is emotionally cold and I hate to live that way. I know that an affair is a stupid/dangerous way to get that need met and so I guess I should thank the MM for breaking it off. I just wonder when I can stop counting the NC days and feel like I'm not waiting for him to call/text/e-mail and say he made a mistake. Thanks for letting me vent. I have told no one about this and hate suffering in silence.

[Athena]

My H is emotionally cold and I hate to live that way. I know that an affair is a stupid/dangerous way to get that need met and so I guess I should thank the MM for breaking it off.

 

Perhaps telling your husband about the affair would jolt him out of his complacent cold and distant attitude with you and not take you for granted? He might wake up that you have needs too. He might wish to fight for you. He might decide to see his part in your dissatisfaction

[65tr6]

tchrgrl, here is something i had said before. I dont know about your husband but men, in general, need respect. And betrayal is the ultimate form of disrespect. IMO anyways. Do yourself a favor and do NOT contact MM in any circumstances. You are doing great so far just keep doing that for rest of your life and you will be fine !

 

In my wife's case, the OM tried breaking it off but my wife could not. I am glad he could in your case. My wife never confessed anything on her own but she was so aloof the days before the d-day that i knew something was wrong. When i asked her she spit her guts out. I guess your husband does not seem to suspect anything from your demenour yet or you are doing a fantastic job of concealing it.

 

By the way, I have to commend folks like you and taylor who find websites like these to even make sense of the situation they are in. You are doing excellent in that aspect. Here is what you may want to think about doing next...

 

I strongly advise you in telling him. Everything. Here is why....

 

1) It will come as total shock complete surprise to your husband. So be ready ! But he will know the truth. Dont have to suffer in silence alone anymore. You both do from this point on. For better or worse ??? (ring a bell ?)

2) He will be angry, hurt, cry, grieve the loss of companionship like you have never seen before

3) He may kick you out OR as in my case wants to work it out. So there is a 50% chance that he wants you back.

4) He could also change for the better....I now realize it takes something on this scale to wake people up or gives them much needed jolt as Athena says above. It did for me. Boy, is it working wonders or what !

5) You could both be communicating in a manner unforeseen before in your marriage.

 

Read, read, and read. Educate yourself. There are plenty of great books out there.

 

I am the typical under appreciated wife married for 8 yrs. and doing everything for everyone while getting little in return. My H is emotionally cold and I hate to live that way. .

 

Guess what, it almost always starts with you and you alone. Stop blaming your husband and see what you can do to keep yourself happy and in the process your family. Your husband will pick up on it sooner or later. You say you have kids, and there you go they are your source of inspiration. Set goals. Short term for now. It works! I am doing it and I am seeing results already.

 

I'm not waiting for him to call/text/e-mail and say he made a mistake. Thanks for letting me vent. I have told no one about this and hate suffering in silence.

But deep inside you still are expecting, right ? Change your email, phone number. It takes one text/call to ruin all the good work you have done in the last 19 days or is that 20 now ?

 

Back on the original topic, I agree that most women have it harder to let go of an affair for that same reason. (that's what i said before and i see so many cases every day that it does not surprise me anymore).

[tchrgrl]

Actually Athena I went to indiv. counseling last year to help understand why I had an EA with a male friend. My husband is completely against therapy of any kind and so I tried working on our issues alone. Not too successful as 6 months later I had a full blown affair with some random guy! The therapist had me talk with my husband about how little he puts into the marriage (I know it sounds like I am blaming my husband) and what he could do to help me feel more wanted/needed and my husband blew it off. In fact, I often wondered even if he did start trying would I even be interested any more? I wonder if anyone else has felt that way. Does the affair fog make you think that the MM is the only one who can make you have those euphoric feelings. It is not about loving my husband. It's about keeping my family in tact. I make comments all the time to my husband (not in front of kids) of how we are like roommates and he just smiles and walks away. Very in denial of how bad our marriage is. I guess I feel doomed to live this way as I don't feel divorce is an option. Not sure why I rambled on about this....find this site helpful in getting things out there in a safe environment and the hope that someone has experienced the same thing and lived through it.....as the NC continues, the images/remembering seem to get more intense, I really hope this passes soon.

[Reggie]

Thing is , Tgirl, divorce is the most honorable option. And, unlike an affair, if it does wake your husband up, the damage is so much less.

 

I'll never undrstand why divorce frightens people so much when the stigma and damage from an affair is so much greater .I suppose it is because so manyaffairs go undetected that folks opt for that route. But, if it is discovered it almost surely leads to divorce anyway. And, it follows you so much more.

[Reggie]

thank you 65tr6 and I'm sorry to hear what has happened with you wife. I don't think I know your complete story but I thought of my husband as I was reading your posts. I have not told my H and would be afraid of ruining the lives of my children by doing so. I know everyone on here will tell me he deserves to know and has the right to make a choice to continue to be with me but I cannot hurt my young children that way. Thanks for your input on the affair fog lifting...I know that 19 days is nothing is terms of getting over this but it's a start. Seeing as the sexual aspect was secondary, I don't miss that part so much as the emotional attachment that was formed on my part with the MM. That's why I think most women (not to generalize) have a harder time letting go. I regress back to the feelings I had in h.s. when some crush would end. I am the typical under appreciated wife married for 8 yrs. and doing everything for everyone while getting little in return. My H is emotionally cold and I hate to live that way. I know that an affair is a stupid/dangerous way to get that need met and so I guess I should thank the MM for breaking it off. I just wonder when I can stop counting the NC days and feel like I'm not waiting for him to call/text/e-mail and say he made a mistake. Thanks for letting me vent. I have told no one about this and hate suffering in silence.

 

I wanted to add that many husbands feel unappreciated, as well. Men's lot in life is not a bed of roses.

[taylor]

11 months and your still having issues? That says more about your marriage than it does about your EA!

 

You raise a very interesting and valid point here, UF. It gave me alot of food for thought and raised a number of additional questions.

 

For example, what criteria should you use to determine that you are indeed OVER the affair.

 

In my mind, having been the one who had the affair, what I would consider being "over the affair" is reaching the point of indifference to the OP. And that point of indifference included several steps:

 

1. Taking steps to initiate total NC, knowing that it is in the best interest of everyone to do so. (It doesn't count if you are being forced to go NC).

 

2. Developing a desire to put the OP in the past by consciously removing thoughts, memories and fantasies as soon as they pop in your head.

 

3. Acquiring a true sense that what you did was wrong and detrimental to all involved.

 

4. Acquiring the wisdom and resolve to never, ever go that route ever again...the "I wouldn't do that again if someone paid me a million dollars to do it" attitude.

 

To me, getting over the affair meant becoming indifferent to the OM. I had to reach a point where:

 

1. I no longer had the desire to see him, talk to him, be with him.

 

2. I had to reach the point where I no longer believed HE was the only person who could make me happy.

 

3. I had to reach the point where memories and fantasies of him didn't elicit a feel good emotional response.

 

Timewise, it took about 6 months for #1 and #2 to happen. #3 was much more stubborn, but as time went on I could sense that the memories were starting to fade and the fantasies just didn't have the same powerful effect that they had had months earlier.

 

I wouldn't say that I am totally indifferent to him yet. But close.

 

But I do know I do not want to see if. If I did, I would avoid him. If he called, I wouldn't answer. If he e-mailed text, I'd delete. I would do this not just out of love and respect for my husband, but also because I have no desire to go down that path of destruction with anyone, let alone him.

 

Now, if you asked my husband at what point he thought I got over the affair, he would see it a different way because he would use a different set of criteria.

 

He would gauge "getting over the affair" by how I responded to him..by how much our marriage has improved since the OM has been out of the picture.

 

But, like you said, UF, there is a difference between the affair issues and the marriage issues. A person can get over an affair but the marriage issues can remain. How do you tell the difference? Where do the affair issues end and the marriage issues begin?

 

And I think you are right. At this point my husband and I are probably dealing more with the marriage issues than the affair issues.

 

But I do Know that for a good 6-8 months we sat with a big elephant between us - the OM. As time went on that elephant got smaller and smaller. The smaller it got, the easier it became to focus on the marriage issues. The fog lifted.

 

I know that I also had to reach a point where I truly believed I could be happy with my husband. And I had to reach a point where my desire to make him happy returned.

 

At least a year prior to the affair I questioned whether I could be happy with my husband and as our marital issues worstened, so did my desire to make him happy. The affair only made these issues worse. During the affair I reached a point where I believed ONLY the OM could make me happy and HE was the only one I wanted to make happy.

 

It took a long time to turn that back around and put the focus back on my husband. I would say being able to put 100 percent focus and desire back on my husband is the point where the affair issues started to take a back seat and the marital issues took front and center.

 

It's been nearly a year.

[taylor]

If it had been your husband who found someone else... more than likely it would have had a strong desire for him right away... and it would taper off over the ensuing months. That is when you would start to struggle.

 

UF, my husband and I talked about this very early on after D-day. Mainly because I couldn't believe he was sticking with me after I had let myself develop feelings for another man.

 

I told him if it had been the other way around, I would have packed his bags and told him to have a wonderful life with the OW. But now I realize that's only because of where I was emotionally at the time...I had already checked out of the marriage and all desire for my husband was gone.

 

However, if I was the one still IN the marriage, and he was the one checking out and having an EA, I could see myself trying to cling to him and doing whatever I could to save the marriage.

 

Remember that a good part of what creates an attraction for you is 1. A need to get him and 2. a need to keep him. If he is already yours, and you don't have to do much to keep him... Why would you be attracted to him.

 

I do believe this to be true. My husband said after D-day his greatest fear was losing me. He changed overnight, becoming overly attentive and affectionate, etc. All of a sudden he felt like he had to do alot of things to keep me.

 

But wouldn't you say this is how alot of marriages get in trouble? Spouses get comfortable, start taking each other for granted...lose attraction because they KNOW they HAVE their spouse and don't have to do much to keep them. It truly is a mistaken assumption. One day, one spouse wakes up and realizes they aren't happy. They meet someone who is attracted to them and that OP does ALL he/she can to "get" her/him. And the unhappy spouse feels happy once again...with someone else.

 

From what I see, the majority of men with WW have a kneejerk reaction to try and fix the marriage. If that fails it leaves a very bitter taste.

 

I agree with this also. My husband jumped into action immediately after D-day showering me with love, attention and affection in an effort to fix the marriage. He was under the impression that he could find a quick fix...solve the problem fast...and get on with our lives as normal.

 

But it doesn't work that way. Sometimes it's too little, too late, and the WS has checked out of the marriage with no real desire to return. Sometimes the BS tries to FIX what they perceive are the problems, but aren't addressing the right problems. Sometimes they address the "cosmetic" problems or the symptoms, but don't get to the root of the problems. And sometimes they don't know how to fix the problems...they don't have the know-how to fix them. And sometimes they get extremely frustrated when they don't see fast results...they want the quick fix. Thank goodness for MC!

 

I can see where BS could be left with a very bitter taste after all attempts to save a marriage fails. I would think many a BS would feel like this, "I did everything I could...I gave it my best...my all...and he/she still didn't want me." It hurts and that hurt can turn to anger and bitterness toward the WS.

[Untouchable_Fire]

In my mind, having been the one who had the affair, what I would consider being "over the affair" is reaching the point of indifference to the OP. And that point of indifference included several steps:

1. Taking steps to initiate total NC, knowing that it is in the best interest of everyone to do so. (It doesn't count if you are being forced to go NC).

2. Developing a desire to put the OP in the past by consciously removing thoughts, memories and fantasies as soon as they pop in your head.

3. Acquiring a true sense that what you did was wrong and detrimental to all involved.

4. Acquiring the wisdom and resolve to never, ever go that route ever again...the "I wouldn't do that again if someone paid me a million dollars to do it" attitude.

 

I think that is a good definition for being "over it", and some very solid steps.

 

To me, getting over the affair meant becoming indifferent to the OM. I had to reach a point where:

1. I no longer had the desire to see him, talk to him, be with him.

2. I had to reach the point where I no longer believed HE was the only person who could make me happy.

3. I had to reach the point where memories and fantasies of him didn't elicit a feel good emotional response.

 

All three of these are affected very heavily by the amount of self esteem you have, and by the amount you were getting from him.

 

If you tend to have low self esteem you will struggle very hard in getting over an affair. Over time you mentally place some portion of your self value with this OM.

 

If you can switch that over to your husband, the affair issues vanish relatively quickly. However, my guess is that you and your husband had some ongoing issues pre-EA. That makes it so you are hampered in moving towards him emotionally.

 

Timewise, it took about 6 months for #1 and #2 to happen. #3 was much more stubborn, but as time went on I could sense that the memories were starting to fade and the fantasies just didn't have the same powerful effect that they had had months earlier.

I wouldn't say that I am totally indifferent to him yet. But close.

But I do know I do not want to see if. If I did, I would avoid him. If he called, I wouldn't answer. If he e-mailed text, I'd delete. I would do this not just out of love and respect for my husband, but also because I have no desire to go down that path of destruction with anyone, let alone him.

 

#3 should be the hardest to tackle. Interactions with him in the past provided positive feelings. You can't change that, so it takes time for them to fade into a more distant memory.

 

Now, if you asked my husband at what point he thought I got over the affair, he would see it a different way because he would use a different set of criteria.

He would gauge "getting over the affair" by how I responded to him..by how much our marriage has improved since the OM has been out of the picture.

But, like you said, UF, there is a difference between the affair issues and the marriage issues. A person can get over an affair but the marriage issues can remain. How do you tell the difference? Where do the affair issues end and the marriage issues begin?

 

Yes. You are right to separate marriage and affair issues. However, just keep in the back of your mind that they overlap.

 

Sometimes we compartmentalize too much. I think it is a much more frequent issue with men.

 

I know that I also had to reach a point where I truly believed I could be happy with my husband. And I had to reach a point where my desire to make him happy returned.

At least a year prior to the affair I questioned whether I could be happy with my husband and as our marital issues worstened, so did my desire to make him happy. The affair only made these issues worse. During the affair I reached a point where I believed ONLY the OM could make me happy and HE was the only one I wanted to make happy.

It took a long time to turn that back around and put the focus back on my husband. I would say being able to put 100 percent focus and desire back on my husband is the point where the affair issues started to take a back seat and the marital issues took front and center.

It's been nearly a year.

 

At least you are moving in a clear direction.

[Untouchable_Fire]

with all due respect, I dont think so...I am not going to defend myself because i know who i am. Look, this is way too early for me, I have a long way to go. I will ask for your opinion again one year from now. Hope you stick around.

 

Give it 3 years. Then you will know if you want the marriage or not.

 

I would have preferred to have you defend yourself. In all honesty I would have enjoyed being wrong about you. I think standing up for yourself is a skill that must be learned. I hope you are just the type that chooses battles wisely.

 

Interesting, so what do you suggest ? Active dating on the part of BHs to give the WWs a sense of insecurity ? Not sure where you are going with this.

 

If I could give you one solid piece of advice: You don't have to be moving on to somebody new to be moving on. That is what she will react to most strongly... you... moving on.

 

Our minds and social interactions are far more complex than we can really comprehend at this time in existence. So, when you read someones "theory" on relationships... keep in mind that it is essentially a metaphor so that our minds can wrap around a concept that is somewhat reflected in reality. These theories... even mine... are never completely accurate.

[65tr6]

1. Taking steps to initiate total NC, knowing that it is in the best interest of everyone to do so. (It doesn't count if you are being forced to go NC).

 

2. Developing a desire to put the OP in the past by consciously removing thoughts, memories and fantasies as soon as they pop in your head.

 

3. Acquiring a true sense that what you did was wrong and detrimental to all involved.

 

4. Acquiring the wisdom and resolve to never, ever go that route ever again...the "I wouldn't do that again if someone paid me a million dollars to do it" attitude.

 

To me, getting over the affair meant becoming indifferent to the OM. I had to reach a point where:

 

1. I no longer had the desire to see him, talk to him, be with him.

 

2. I had to reach the point where I no longer believed HE was the only person who could make me happy.

 

3. I had to reach the point where memories and fantasies of him didn't elicit a feel good emotional response.

 

.

Looks like a good plan to me. Your MC came up with this ? Sounds like you put a lot of thought into this. Template for WWs interms of what their short term goals/long term goals should be.

[65tr6]

If I could give you one solid piece of advice: You don't have to be moving on to somebody new to be moving on. That is what she will react to most strongly... you... moving on. .

U, yes i am all open to any advice and it is much appreciated. (Never thought i would say that in my life, lol). Yes i get your point and I understand it.

 

I said one year because I know things will be so different for me in a year from now. I was so desparate on the d-day now it is more of a preference. Dont you think that is a good sign ? I know we will still be struggling through our marriage a year from now.....but as a individual, I would have learnt so much more.

 

Our minds and social interactions are far more complex than we can really comprehend at this time in existence. So, when you read someones "theory" on relationships... keep in mind that it is essentially a metaphor so that our minds can wrap around a concept that is somewhat reflected in reality. These theories... even mine... are never completely accurate.

 

You bring up you a very interesting point that I have not shared with folks here. For a long time i thought some of the knowledge i have gained does not apply at all to our relationship because of our background. I still think it is true to an extent. But there are some trends/patterns that relationships follow no matter where you come from. Honestly, that part has come as a surprise to me.

[taylor]

taylor, she is very very ashamed and is stunned by the events. She is doing her best to meet my needs and I have to admire her for that. She does not know what she wants at this point. She values marriage...that is one thing for sure....but she also thinks that i deserve much better. As far her fog, good point...Dont they say it takes a good six months sometimes for it to lift completely ? How long did it take for you ? If i have to put a number, i think she is about 60% out and my guess is it would take another 2 months or so before i can say for sure she is back on earth.

 

65tr6, I can only speak for my own EA and my experience in the aftermath. I think everyone's recovery is different, so take this for what it's worth. It took a good 6-8 months for the fog to lift for me. During this time, three important things happened:

 

1. I lost all desire to talk to, see, or be with the OM

 

2. I lost the urge to keep the fantasies of him alive because they could no longer elicit the powerful feel good feelings that they had.

 

3. I realized the OM was NOT the only man in the world who could make me happy. How ridiculous!!!!!

 

It was only after these three things happened that I was able to turn my focus back on my husband and our marriage. It was only then that my desire to be in a relationship with my husband returned...a desire to make him happy. It was only then that I feel I was ABLE to put myself back into my marriage, both emotionally and physically. There was nothing coming between us to prevent this.

 

It's hard to say how long it might take for your wife to reach this point. Your wife had a PA and it is possible it may take longer because the bond may be stronger. Only she knows where she is at in terms of letting go of the affair and the OP. Keep communication open with regard to this.

 

What really helped me to come to terms with the affair was writing my story. Yes, I wrote the whole affair down on paper (with the help of Microsoft Word). When I went back and read it, I could see it for what it was and what it wasn't. I could see the OM for who he was and more importantly, who he wasn't. And then it was just a matter of acceptance. Followed by resolve.

 

Counselling really helped her identify issues that she could work on.

 

I hope she is continuing to work on these issues. It's vital to her and your recovery.

 

As far as ties with OM, they is complete NC the day after she confessed. She knows that even one attempt on her side to make contact will make things very ugly for both of us

 

But the question is...does she still have even an ounce of DESIRE to contact him...or are the consequences the only thing preventing her from contacting him? There's a big difference here.

 

I guess i am just frustrated with the slow progress (being impatient in general is not making it easy for me) but I also realize it takes years. I see owl, jw, yourself (the ones i have been following here) in front of me and mine is in infancy compared to rest of you folks.

 

Hang in there, 65. It is a journey that will make you and your wife wiser and stronger. And as Owl once told me, and many others, it IS a marathon, not a sprint. So true.

 

You know, it was just a few weeks ago I looked in my husband's eyes and saw AGAIN how beautiful they are. Saturday morning, as we made breakfast together, he held me in his arms and it felt wonderful...like the first time. And yesterday he pushed me in a snow bank and we proceeded to have an all out snowball fight. We laughed so hard... haven't laughed like that in over two years.

 

When my husband and I went thru the Retrouvaille program, there were many couples in there who had already given up on their marriages. Some had already filed for divorce. They were going thru the program as a last ditch effort to save their marriage. The only thing they had left was hope. If you and your wife still have that, you have a chance.

 

In Retrouvaille, we learned that marriages go thru cycles. One of the cycles in "Reawakening". That's your goal...and mine, too.

 

BTW, I have alot of respect for you, 65, because you continue to value and believe in your marriage long after many would have given up. I call that strength, not weakness.

 

If, over time, you and your wife see the writing on the wall and you both give up hope that you can save the marriage, then you can divorce with your head held high that you gave it your all but it wasn't meant to be.

 

If over time, your marriage turns around and you and your wife find happiness again, you can hold your head high and be glad you didn't give up on yourself, your wife, or your marriage.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I had a full blown affair with some random guy! The therapist had me talk with my husband about how little he puts into the marriage (I know it sounds like I am blaming my husband) and what he could do to help me feel more wanted/needed and my husband blew it off.

 

It's sad to hear how much you resent your husband. That makes it impossible to understand where he is coming from. Clearly you don't know how he thinks and feels.

 

Without knowing either of you it is hard to say, but it sounds like he is just as angry at you as your are with him.

 

It doesn't just sound like your blaming the husband for everything... you actually are.

 

It is not about loving my husband. It's about keeping my family in tact. I make comments all the time to my husband (not in front of kids) of how we are like roommates and he just smiles and walks away.

 

Why does he do that?

 

Do you really believe you are doing your children a service by faking this marriage? What is your financial situation?

[taylor]

Reaching that point of indifference included several steps:

 

1. Taking steps to initiate total NC, knowing that it is in the best interest of everyone to do so. (It doesn't count if you are being forced to go NC).

 

2. Developing a desire to put the OP in the past by consciously removing thoughts, memories and fantasies as soon as they pop in your head.

 

3. Acquiring a true sense that what you did was wrong and detrimental to all involved.

 

4. Acquiring the wisdom and resolve to never, ever go that route ever again...the "I wouldn't do that again if someone paid me a million dollars to do it" attitude.

 

To me, getting over the affair meant becoming indifferent to the OM. I had to reach a point where:

 

1. I no longer had the desire to see him, talk to him, be with him.

 

2. I had to reach the point where I no longer believed HE was the only person who could make me happy.

 

3. I had to reach the point where memories and fantasies of him didn't elicit a feel good emotional response.

 

65tr6,

 

I know I am probably going to hit a nerve with some posters when I say this, but for me it is true: Getting over an affair is no different than getting over any other romantic relationship. You still grieve the loss of someone you found some happiness with. You still have to find a way to move on and be happy without that person in your life.

 

So, no, the MC did not come up with a plan to help me overcome the affair. I've been thru breakups before and I already knew the script that needed to be followed to get over a relationship. FOLLOWING it is where the rub is.

 

For a number of reasons, an affair can be harder to overcome than a regular "legitimate" relationship that runs its course. Affairs are extremely intense and rarely get a chance to naturally run their course. Most of the time, they get "interrupted" and the WS is left with the challenge of getting over someone who is still "perfect" in their fantasy perceptions.

 

It just takes a long time to separate the fantasy from the reality and when you do your realize you duped yourself! Trying to forgive yourself for being so weak, gullible and naive leads to a self-loathing and that, too, takes time to get over. Once you can accept the reality and forgive yourself you can resolve to never let yourself get in that position again.

 

This all takes alot of reflection and self-discovery. It's not a pleasant or easy process. But in the end, it is healing, and that is a must if you intend to move on from an affair.

 

One day, when my husband told our MC how frustrated he was with our progress, she told him this, "Why are you in such a hurry. She's not going anywhere. Give her time to come back to you."

 

The last 3 points I mention above were what I would call "turning points." They were distinct moments when I realized I was breaking free from the affair and the OM and doing a U-turn back to my husband. I didn't "see' these turning points at the time. I realized them only in hindsight.

 

65tr6, you mention you are frustrated because you and your wife are having trouble re-connecting. Did you and your wife have emotional connection problems prior to the affair or are you blaming this issue on the affair? Like Untouchable Fire pointed out, marital and affair issues can overlap. You may be dealing more with pre-affair marital issues than with the affair itself. If that's the case, your wife may be farther along in getting over the affair than you think and what you may be dealing with is pre-affair issues. What do you think?

 

My husband and I were having trouble connecting emotionally for about 3 years prior to my affair. We became distant. We both felt it but didn't know how to fix it. The affair just made it even more difficult to connect emotionally. But the problem existed before the affair. We are dealing with it now with a new determination and with better means.

[taylor]

Actually Athena I went to indiv. counseling last year to help understand why I had an EA with a male friend. My husband is completely against therapy of any kind and so I tried working on our issues alone. Not too successful as 6 months later I had a full blown affair with some random guy! The therapist had me talk with my husband about how little he puts into the marriage (I know it sounds like I am blaming my husband) and what he could do to help me feel more wanted/needed and my husband blew it off. In fact, I often wondered even if he did start trying would I even be interested any more? I wonder if anyone else has felt that way. Does the affair fog make you think that the MM is the only one who can make you have those euphoric feelings. It is not about loving my husband. It's about keeping my family in tact. I make comments all the time to my husband (not in front of kids) of how we are like roommates and he just smiles and walks away. Very in denial of how bad our marriage is. I guess I feel doomed to live this way as I don't feel divorce is an option. Not sure why I rambled on about this....find this site helpful in getting things out there in a safe environment and the hope that someone has experienced the same thing and lived through it.....as the NC continues, the images/remembering seem to get more intense, I really hope this passes soon.

 

Hi tchrgrl,

 

Sit your husband down and tell him you will divorce him if he doesn't go to MC.

 

My marriage took a similar course to yours. I knew we had problems. Husband refused therapy. The problems got worse. We both got frustrated and irritable. We distanced ourselves even more from each other to avoid the pain. Three years later I had an EA. We are in recovery now.

 

It sounds to me your husband is just as miserable as you are but just not vocalizing it to you. You both seem on the verge of throwing in the towel.

 

Your husband may have checked out of the marriage, just like you did when you had the affairs. The question is do each of you want to try to save the marriage. If you don't, divorce. You don't do anyone any good by staying in a dysfunctional marriage. If you want to save the marriage, you need to get both of you to counseling.

 

It may just be a matter of your husband not knowing what to do to fix the problems in the marriage so he does nothing.

 

You need to dig deep to get to the bottom of your marital strife and I doubt that is going to happen without counseling.

 

 

...and to answer your question...YES, the affair fog most definitely will make you believe the MM is the only person on the face of the earth who can make you happier than you could have ever imagined. It takes a long time to realize this is not true and how ridiculous you were for believing it. Been there, done that.

[Dexter Morgan]

One day, when my husband told our MC how frustrated he was with our progress, she told him this, "Why are you in such a hurry. She's not going anywhere. Give her time to come back to you."

 

I probably would have then asked the counselor...."why should I have to wait?"

 

Its bad enough he got stung by an affair from his spouse, but now HE is the one that has to wait? Something fairly out of whack with that.

 

All I have to say is, for someone to wait for a WS to come around, there better be some big freakin' rewards in that light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Can't think of what they would be.

 

 

My husband and I were having trouble connecting emotionally for about 3 years prior to my affair. We became distant.

 

And did he end up cheating because of it?