getting over an affair

[Reggie]

Not sure where you get the idea that divorce means taking the kids father away. If done civilly , the father remains a big part of the kids' lives. Problem with having cheated is that it often makes an amicable divorce much more difficult. Most folks resent this type of abuse for a long time.

[jwi71]

I ask for nothing.

 

Why?

 

Why not ask more of him?

 

If you are NOT happy about his role at home, what can YOU do to change it?

[Untouchable_Fire]

When I am feeling weak, I do imagine myself having to tell them that I am the reason their father would be leaving and I feel physically ill.

 

I have a feeling that the action of splitting would not hurt the children as much as the why of it.

 

I know this is already something you know, but I will say it anyway. Take any step necessary to make sure the kids NEVER know about an affair. If your husband finds out in some way... force him to agree to this.

 

My husband is the classic loner type and probably shouldn't have gotten married. And I don't say that to be mean or excuse my behavior. Dexter accused me of it being all about me, me, me. That is so far from the truth.

 

What does your husbands background look like? How close is he with his family?

 

He should be the focal point of the conversation. Clearly this is about getting him to a place where he is comfortable being affectionate. Most likely what stops him is fear. I doubt he is just lazy or stupid.

 

Also, you are going to have to ask him to take more responsibility in terms of the kids. Do you trust him to take care of things like school shopping?

[Dexter Morgan]

Thank you for your apolgy UF. As a mother, I am obviously not proud of my behavior.

 

But not as a wife.

 

 

 

When in that affair fog, I don't think about my children finding out. When I am feeling weak, I do imagine myself having to tell them that I am the reason their father would be leaving and I feel physically ill.

 

Well at least you'd have the decency in that sense to tell them the truth so they don't think daddy is the selfish one by leaving.

 

 

I have given all I have to my family....I do everything for everyone.

 

Is this an attempt at justifying your cheating?

 

 

My husband is the classic loner type and probably shouldn't have gotten married. And I don't say that to be mean or excuse my behavior.

Dexter accused me of it being all about me, me, me.

 

nope. I wrote that you mentioned your kids:rolleyes:

 

 

That is so far from the truth. Most women would agree that they do so much for their families and are underappreciated. Is that the reason to have an affair? No, but my chance came at a time that I was feeling very lonely and undervalued in my marriage.

 

I felt undervalued in my marriage, and lonely, but you didn't see me going out and sticking it to any other women.

 

 

I am not ready to leave my marriage

 

why not? You obviously have no feelings for your husband. You show no remorse for what you did to him...to the kids yes, to your H...no.

 

You don't even give him the respect and consideration by mentioning what you did to him....only the kids.

 

So why are you not ready to leave the marriage?? for the kids? I can tell you that is for the wrong reason.

 

Or are you wanting to stay together because if you got a divorce, you'd have to admit that it was because mommy had an affair and you don't want to be perceived as the bad guy?

[jwi71]

I know this is already something you know, but I will say it anyway. Take any step necessary to make sure the kids NEVER know about an affair. If your husband finds out in some way... force him to agree to this.

 

I disagree. The children should know the truth of why their parents split up. Of course, their age is a large determining factor - one shouldn't try to explain to a 5 year old that mommy had an A.

 

Older children are far better able to cope with this. And in all honesty its on their mind anyway - why did mommy and daddy split up has been in their heads for years. Give them the truth - they deserve to know. In fact, given what they have lived, they have a RIGHT to know.

 

I would NOT volunteer the info but I wouldn't lie about it either.

[Dexter Morgan]

He is emotionally/physically cold. You can't pay attention to someone only when you want sex. He could go days without ever touching me....not a kiss goodnight, hug hello....NOTHING!!!

 

Ok, so all of this is his fault and he is an undesirable man to be married to.

 

So get a divorce. There is NO reason to stay in this marriage.

 

 

He would never have an affair as it would be too much work!

 

Oh, is that why? not because he might be a man of integrity and values. Its because it would be too much work???

 

 

Of course I was wrong to look outside of my marriage for that connection, but I could only be lonely for so long.

 

Well it won't get better any time soon the way you paint your husband. So you will either have to:

 

1) get a divorce and live your life

2) stay in the marriage and put suck it up

3) stay in the marriage and keep cheating

 

 

And unless you've had kids, I have said before that I will not take away the father my children love so much so that my husband can be "set free" from my evil ways and I might find a man who is affectionate.

 

I have kids. I divorced my wife. Yes, it sucks that a cheating wife can get custody and I lost being with my kids on a daily basis. But I don't think they'd like the father I would have become if I stayed with a cheating wife. And I wasn't going to settle for living out a life with a cheater.

 

Kids are not a good reason to stay married if you are miserable.

 

It is a no win situation from my vantage point.

 

I forget....does your husband know of the affair? If not, tell him and let him be the judge of what is best for himself.

[Dexter Morgan]

I know this is already something you know, but I will say it anyway. Take any step necessary to make sure the kids NEVER know about an affair. If your husband finds out in some way... force him to agree to this.

 

LOL, funny you should mention that.

 

My x wanted me to never tell my sons what happened. She obviously doesn't want to be viewed as the "bad guy".

 

I told her I wasn't going to lie to them. i don't feel the need to tell them out of the blue what happened, but when they grow up, and if they ask...I'm not going to lie to them. I'll tell them exactly what their mother did....then I'll drop it.

 

but I'm not going to bring it up to them unless asked.

[65tr6]

but I'm not going to bring it up to them unless asked.

dexter, I have to admire you on that. I think you should tell your kids (now that you are divorced), at a high level atleast, but then I know you are smart enough to make that decision yourself...has that question not come up at all ? I am curious.

[Untouchable_Fire]

LOL, funny you should mention that.

My x wanted me to never tell my sons what happened. She obviously doesn't want to be viewed as the "bad guy".

I told her I wasn't going to lie to them. i don't feel the need to tell them out of the blue what happened, but when they grow up, and if they ask...I'm not going to lie to them. I'll tell them exactly what their mother did....then I'll drop it.

but I'm not going to bring it up to them unless asked.

 

I would wait until they are 30 or 40, or never at all.

 

The younger they are... the greater chance that they will repeat your wife's poor choice in their own lives. It is much easier to do something bad when you are not the only one.

 

dexter, I have to admire you on that. I think you should tell your kids (now that you are divorced), at a high level atleast, but then I know you are smart enough to make that decision yourself...has that question not come up at all ? I am curious.

 

You should start a new thread for this... because it is a very interesting topic. You will get a better response if more people weigh in on it.

[Dexter Morgan]

dexter, I have to admire you on that. I think you should tell your kids (now that you are divorced), at a high level atleast, but then I know you are smart enough to make that decision yourself...has that question not come up at all ? I am curious.

 

No, because my kids are too young right now. They wouldn't understand. My oldest just turned 8.

[Dexter Morgan]

I would wait until they are 30 or 40, or never at all.

 

Like I said, I'll tell them if/when they ask.

 

 

The younger they are... the greater chance that they will repeat your wife's poor choice in their own lives.

 

Not if I have anything to do about it. If they do end up being lousy cheats, it will be because of the lousy values their mother instilled in them.

[Reggie]

kids should be told the truth. There has been enough dishonesty from the cheater already. If they get the truth, it teaches them a valuable lesson: there are consequences to bad behavior.

 

I do not bad mouth thier mom , as she does me. But, I told my kids upfront what had happened and with who. I wanted them to know that the man she had living with them was not to be trusted and was a liar. I also did not want them buying any of their mom's lies about me.

[Owl]

When I confronted my wife on d-day, OM bought her plane tickets so that she could go live with him.

 

I told her that she was going to be the one to explain to the kids why she was leaving, and where she was going. If she wanted to destroy our family, she could be the one to have to explain it to them.

 

When they got home from school, I went outside while she talked with them. They went ballistic on her for what she'd done, and what she was about to do.

 

When they came out to talk with me, I made sure that she'd told them the whole truth (and she had).

 

They were 15 and 17 at the time.

 

As most of ya'll know...we reconciled. The boys took it well when she decided to stay, but it took our daughter quite a long time to forgive her. She did tho...and things worked out great for us as a family.

 

I say tell them the truth.

[Dexter Morgan]

When I confronted my wife on d-day, OM bought her plane tickets so that she could go live with him.

 

I told her that she was going to be the one to explain to the kids why she was leaving, and where she was going. If she wanted to destroy our family, she could be the one to have to explain it to them.

 

When they got home from school, I went outside while she talked with them. They went ballistic on her for what she'd done, and what she was about to do.

 

When they came out to talk with me, I made sure that she'd told them the whole truth (and she had).

 

They were 15 and 17 at the time.

 

As most of ya'll know...we reconciled. The boys took it well when she decided to stay, but it took our daughter quite a long time to forgive her. She did tho...and things worked out great for us as a family.

 

Although I'm a skeptic, I'm happy that is true for you.

 

but what are you going to do when both kids are adults and out of the house?

[Woggle]

I am so glad that my first wife and I never had any kids before she cheated. It made it so easier to just kick her out of my life even if she did go nuts later on. Getting shot at is much easier than having kids with a resentful woman who blames you for her unhappiness.

[tchrgrl]

I have a feeling that the action of splitting would not hurt the children as much as the why of it.

 

I know this is already something you know, but I will say it anyway. Take any step necessary to make sure the kids NEVER know about an affair. If your husband finds out in some way... force him to agree to this.

 

 

 

What does your husbands background look like? How close is he with his family?

 

He is not that close to his family....they all live in other states and he wouldn't talk to them unless they called or I remind him to.

 

He should be the focal point of the conversation. Clearly this is about getting him to a place where he is comfortable being affectionate. Most likely what stops him is fear. I doubt he is just lazy or stupid.

 

I don't know if it's fear....affection is foreign to him. His siblings are not affectionate and he is that lazy!

 

Also, you are going to have to ask him to take more responsibility in terms of the kids. Do you trust him to take care of things like school shopping?

I am a control freak on that end and would not give him more responsibilty there. I don't even mind that so much. It's more the fact that he assumes it's my role

 

Dexter, you are just mad at all women who have had afffairs and don't really come to this board to support but to take it out on others who have.

[Owl]

Although I'm a skeptic, I'm happy that is true for you.

 

but what are you going to do when both kids are adults and out of the house?

 

I'm not sure what you mean by this?

 

What would I do different then than I'm doing right now? Why would I do anything different when the kids are out than when the kids are here?

 

And, FWIW...the two ages are deceptive...it's actually two sets of twins. The older two are out of the house now, and the younger two are old enough to be out, just working on saving money and getting their feet under them before they go.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter, you are just mad at all women who have had afffairs

 

nice try. i'm mad at the cheating men too. read and you will see.

 

And what should I be towards people that have affairs? Should I think, "you go girl/boy"???

 

 

and don't really come to this board to support but to take it out on others who have.

 

See, this is the mantra that is spoken by cheaters when given the cold hard truth about things. Cheaters will say the most ridiculous thing, just as you have.

 

You are blaming all this on him. This is all his fault according to the way you paint him.

 

So am I mad at a woman(or a man) for having an affair? Yes, to some extent, but the real disgust comes from cheaters, like you, who cheat and blame it all on their spouse.

 

We get it....you did everything, you were an angel, and your husband is the cold ahole. You deserve to gratify yourself with another man, and you did......KUDOS!!

 

is that what you wanted to hear? Because you are trying damn hard to have us believe that it is poor you for putting up with your husband.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm not sure what you mean by this?

 

What would I do different then than I'm doing right now? Why would I do anything different when the kids are out than when the kids are here?

 

Because too many people stay for the kids sake. Not saying you stayed for that reason, but its all too common.

 

Let me ask you this, if you didn't have any kids with your wife, would you have stayed with her?

[Owl]

Because too many people stay for the kids sake. Not saying you stayed for that reason, but its all too common.

 

Let me ask you this, if you didn't have any kids with your wife, would you have stayed with her?

 

OK...given that assumption, your questions make sense.

 

But the answer in my case is yes. My choice to reconcile actually had nothing to do with the kids. It had everything to do with me, and my marriage.

 

I would have ensured that my kids were well taken care of, had we ended up divorcing. And, I was in a good position to do so at the time, for a lot of reasons.

 

I wasn't worried about what would happen to them if she left us. Nor was her choice to stay motivated by that, either.

 

Even if we'd not have had kids, I would have worked to reconcile our marriage.

 

Something to consider tho...sometimes, it doesn't matter why the WS stayed initially...it could have been to reconcile, or for the kids, or because they didn't want to lose the dog. The choice to stay gives the BS a chance to work on rebuilding and recovering the marriage. And as long as the right steps are taken, that can happen, regardless of the reason for staying at the time. A lot of that depends on the quality of the marriage prior to the affair, and on what kind of person the WS is 'normally'...when not in an affair.

 

Good questions tho...thanks for the clarification!

[Dexter Morgan]

Something to consider tho...sometimes, it doesn't matter why the WS stayed initially...it could have been to reconcile, or for the kids, or because they didn't want to lose the dog. The choice to stay gives the BS a chance to work on rebuilding and recovering the marriage.

 

Thanks for the answer. And don't get me wrong, wasn't trying to pry anything out of you that wasn't there. I'm in your corner bro.

 

I just can't understand why anyone would want to stay with a cheating spouse. You have your reason and I respect that.

 

The part about giving the BS a chance at recovering the M? Hmmm....dunno. For me, I'll never give a betrayer that chance. My thoughts are, someone I am with can claim to love me and never do it again, and they could just make good on that promise.

 

But there would always be something amiss and something will always be out of balance......the fact that during a marriage/relationship she chose to have another man inside her. That is something that will never go away and even if I could get to a point where it doesn't really bother me and it doesn't consume my every thought any longer, it would still get my blood boiling if I thought about it from time to time.

 

I think about what my X did from time to time, not because I want to think about it. Just call it involuntary memory recall.

 

But the difference is, if I would have stayed with her, it would eat me up each time. Now that she is no longer my problem, the thoughts don't bother me. Why? Because she is now insignificant. She is someone elses problem.

 

Hope everything stays on the straight and narrow for you and there is no relapse from your wife.

[tchrgrl]

I am not blaming my A on my husband. I made the choice, I just tried to explain the reason behind it. I'm sure many people are strong and wonderful (like you obviously) and live in loveless relationships. I was not willing to do that. Would I take it back?? Maybe, maybe not. I hate what I am going through now and the fact that I gambled with my sons' futures. I am not apologizing for giving myself a snippet of happiness. And Dexter, I never said I was the perfect wife and my husband is the ahole. I just don't get what I need from my marriage and I have asked repeatedly. I am no longer having an A and realize that I will stay in a loveless marriage until my children are out of the house. I am sure I will be criticized for that comment, but that is what will work for me. I will state again that I didn't think this particular board was for disgruntled spouses who prefer to beat up on stangers since they can't do it to the spouse/ex-spouse who betrayed them.

[65tr6]

it doesn't matter why the WS stayed initially...it could have been to reconcile, or for the kids, or because they didn't want to lose the dog. The choice to stay gives the BS a chance to work on rebuilding and recovering the marriage. And as long as the right steps are taken, that can happen, regardless of the reason for staying at the time. !

 

Very solid point. Puts a lot of pressure/burden on BS imo. Owl, my wife asked me the same question yesterday....If she had the affair several years ago prior to our son, if I still would have taken her back. I said "yes". WSs are in such a fog, it falls on the BS to take that additional responsibility to fight for their marriage in addition to all other trauma they go through. Not fair, is it ?

[65tr6]

I am not blaming my A on my husband. .

then let him know about the A. Let him know what an Ahole he is. Let him know what a bad choice you made. The ball is in your court.

[tchrgrl]

I can't tell him about the A and ruin the lives of my children. I suffer internally with that guilt on a daily basis. Why screw up everyone else's lives??