Interesting twist

[herenow]

I have a co-worker whose H had an affair and she has filed for divorce. For almost a year he has been with the OW. My co-worker has limited contact with the OW, but she sees her stbxh quite a bit because of the kids.

 

My co-worker and her stbxh seem to have a new found attraction for each other. They have had dinners without the kids and some late nights talking. The OW doesn't know about their time alone. Problem is now it has gotten physical and my co-worker is having a hard time deciding what to do. She still wants a divorce and will never trust him, but she enjoys the no strings relationship.

 

She knows that her stbxh will never be honest and tell the OW (now GF) about their "alone" time, so what should she do?

 

There have been so many threads on this forum about the fact that the OW didn't make any promises to the BW, so it isn't her place to tell. What happens when the BW becomes the OW? Does the former OW want to know? Or should my co-worker just let it be and not say anything?

 

My advice was to get as far away from her stbxh as she can. But, she doesn't seem to want to do that at this point. I think they have some unfinished business.

[bentnotbroken]

Sounds twisted, but you said it was her STBX, meaning they are still married. Having sex with your spouse seems to be okay:rolleyes:. Until they are divorced, the ow is still just that....the ow. I wouldn't touch him with somebody else's vagina.

[herenow]

Sounds twisted, but you said it was her STBX, meaning they are still married. Having sex with your spouse seems to be okay:rolleyes:. Until they are divorced, the ow is still just that....the ow. I wouldn't touch him with somebody else's vagina.

 

Their divorce isn't final yet because they are selling their house and working out the financial stuff. I don't know all the details, but he has been living with the OW for almost a year. Twisted indeed.

 

I'm not entirely certain why she is even having this relationship. I really don't know any of them well enough to tell. She has no problem talking to me about it though.

[NoIDidn't]

Not all that interesting, its common.

 

A cheating man almost always has unfinished business with his W whether they are divorcing or not.

 

My dad and ex-stepmom are still having sex even though their divorce was final nearly six months ago.

 

Every single one of my separated or divorced friends was still sleeping with their spouse - OW or not, OM or not. Every single one of them. And their logic is just what Bent says: they are still married.

 

Well in the case of my dad, I dunno what's going on there. I just wish they would make up their minds. They may get remarried. I don't care anymore.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I have a friend who started dating a man who has been divorced for 10 years. They see each other because of the 4 kids. They aslo sleep together occasionally and still fight like cats and dogs. Its nuts but it seems normal to he and his ex. He's now in therapy.

 

You would think after 10 years it would be safe.

[underpants]

So she has been having casual sex with her stbxh for about a year? Although he is living with the woman he left her for?

 

I can understand the revenge aspect to a degree, but after that long it just seems overly dysfunctional. Has she sought therapy for the loss of the marriage?

 

More like something to prove rather then unfinished business.

 

Nobody is going to win in this. It's like a case of hot cheater potato.

 

Who ever winds up with him loses.

 

The OW knew he was a cheater when she helped him cheat, so I have no sympathy for her. The stbxw now knows his character now. The guy is just the pea being shuffled in a temporary shell game. He is insignificant.

 

I have no sympathy for any of them. Although exposing the drama would be a lovely afternoon delight.

 

Please tell me they don't have children.

[2sure]

I know what I would do. I would call his house anonymously and hang up when OW answered. I would leave my lipstick in his car, and a shallow but telling scratch on his back. And I would never say a word.

 

Let OW figure it out. Let her become suspicious and wonder if she is crazy when he tells her she is being paranoid. She already knows he has a proclivity for cheating. I would sleep very very well knowing she was not.

[Trialbyfire]

While this isn't something I would do, if she's happy with her HWB, who am I to say otherwise?

 

I do agree that this would be interesting to watch, if it blew up. I wonder what the OW would say? "You, you, dirty lying cheater!"

[NoIDidn't]

I wonder what the OW would say? "You, you, dirty lying cheater!"

 

LOL!

 

Actually in the cases that I know of, the OW did, in fact, try to tell the W to leave him alone because he was HER man now.

 

Oh the irony.

 

Usually they stop sleeping with each other after the STBXW gets tired of it or finds someone new with most of the folks that I know of.

[NoIDidn't]

I know what I would do. I would call his house anonymously and hang up when OW answered. I would leave my lipstick in his car, and a shallow but telling scratch on his back. And I would never say a word.

 

Let OW figure it out. Let her become suspicious and wonder if she is crazy when he tells her she is being paranoid. She already knows he has a proclivity for cheating. I would sleep very very well knowing she was not.

 

2Sure, you are 2funny!!

[herenow]

So she has been having casual sex with her stbxh for about a year? Although he is living with the woman he left her for?

 

I can understand the revenge aspect to a degree, but after that long it just seems overly dysfunctional. Has she sought therapy for the loss of the marriage?

 

More like something to prove rather then unfinished business.

 

Nobody is going to win in this. It's like a case of hot cheater potato.

 

Who ever winds up with him loses.

 

The OW knew he was a cheater when she helped him cheat, so I have no sympathy for her. The stbxw now knows his character now. The guy is just the pea being shuffled in a temporary shell game. He is insignificant.

 

I have no sympathy for any of them. Although exposing the drama would be a lovely afternoon delight.

 

Please tell me they don't have children.

 

No, the physical part has only been recently. She has no desire to be with him and has every intention of finalizing the divorce when everything is settled. I think she just likes the no strings sex. She considers herself to be single and him to be an ex husband.

 

She has said that she will never get married again. Her kids are living with her and he has full visitation. They try to have an amicable mother/father relationship because it's what is best for the kids. Even the kids know that mom and dad will never be together, but they are loved by both parents. I have seen how they act around their kids and as much as they may be bad spouses, they seem to be good parents.

[NoIDidn't]

Yep, that is usually how the STBXW feels to. Like its nice to be a free agent but she knows what she's getting with sex from the ex. Much safer than trying out someone new during such emotional upheaval from the divorce.

[herenow]

LOL!

 

Actually in the cases that I know of, the OW did, in fact, try to tell the W to leave him alone because he was HER man now.

 

Oh the irony.

 

Usually they stop sleeping with each other after the STBXW gets tired of it or finds someone new with most of the folks that I know of.

 

I'm think you may be correct. She may be sleeping with him because she just wants to have her sexual needs met for now. No expectations and she knows what she is dealing with.

 

I posted here because I would like to know if the OW would like to be told if her BF was having sex with his ex wife.

[Trialbyfire]

I posted here because I would like to know if the OW would like to be told if her BF was having sex with his ex wife.

Technically speaking, this would be his wife not ex-wife.

[herenow]

Technically speaking, this would be his wife not ex-wife.

 

Yes, technically that's true. So, I guess the OW would technically still be the OW. And, in that case, no harm done? And no reason for the OW to know what's going on.

 

I'd still be interested to get an OW thoughts on the subject. OW, would you want to know if this was you?

[underpants]

I think there is probably alot of harm being done.

 

How old (generally) are the children?

[herenow]

I think there is probably alot of harm being done.

 

How old (generally) are the children?

 

Between 10 and 13. The kids only see them as parents. They do not know that their father had an affair or that his new GF was the OW. Like I said, their personal lives are a mess, but they seem to really try to be good parents. If harm is being done, they are doing it to themselves from what I see.

 

BTW - I know the kids from little league and I see how they are when they are all at games.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, technically that's true. So, I guess the OW would technically still be the OW. And, in that case, no harm done? And no reason for the OW to know what's going on.

 

I'd still be interested to get an OW thoughts on the subject. OW, would you want to know if this was you?

Technically speaking, the vows are between the wife and the husband, so no vows are being broken.

 

To also apply the same logic as what's usually applied in this forum, the relationship is between the wife and the husband, the husband and the OW.

 

I think this type of arrangement meets everyone's criteria of okay, or at least everyone in the triangle!

[herenow]

Technically speaking, the vows are between the wife and the husband, so no vows are being broken.

 

To also apply the same logic as what's usually applied in this forum, the relationship is between the wife and the husband, the husband and the OW.

 

I think this type of arrangement meets everyone's criteria of okay, or at least everyone in the triangle!

 

So, based on the theory of substitution, the wife owes nothing to the OW?

 

Still looking for an OW to weigh in.

[underpants]

Still looking for an OW to weigh in.

 

 

It would be interesting to hear that perspective. Funny that you haven't yet had any weigh in?

 

My only concern in this scenario rest with those children. I think they know. Kids are so much smarter then we want to believe.

[Trialbyfire]

herenow, that's a question only an OW or OM can answer. If they feel they're entitled to more, it's best they express it.

[herenow]

It would be interesting to hear that perspective. Funny that you haven't yet had any weigh in?

 

My only concern in this scenario rest with those children. I think they know. Kids are so much smarter then we want to believe.

 

I agree that kids do know when things are not quite right. But I also think these kids see their parents happier apart then they were together. So, it just may be a better situation for these kids.

 

I also know that she isn't ready to bring a new man into the mix, so having sex with her stbxh is a way of getting her needs met without having to start a new relationship.

 

As wrong as it may be, this may also be the better situation for her and her kids. I don't know, I personally wouldn't be doing it since I think it holds her back from finding someone that she can trust and will love her. I guess she isn't ready for that yet.

[underpants]

This may be a case when absence speaks volumes.

[herenow]

herenow, that's a question only an OW or OM can answer. If they feel they're entitled to more, it's best they express it.

 

Yes, that is why I posted this here. If I get any answers, I can have her read them (and maybe post herself) if she wants to.

 

Just realized, I said theory of substitution when it's really method of substitution. Middle school math ya know.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, that is why I posted this here. If I get any answers, I can have her read them (and maybe post herself) if she wants to.

 

Just realized, I said theory of substitution when it's really method of substitution. Middle school math ya know.

No response in the real world aka business world or politics, means they agree that they're not entitled to anything from the wife. Sounds like your friend is doing the right thing!