Interesting twist

[herenow]

No response in the real world aka business world or politics, means they agree that they're not entitled to anything from the wife. Sounds like your friend is doing the right thing!

 

So, my only advice to her should be "make sure you use a condom". When I told her I would be posting this tonight, I thought for sure I would get some OW input. Oh well, maybe I'll get some tomorrow. Good night all.

[NoIDidn't]

So, my only advice to her should be "make sure you use a condom". When I told her I would be posting this tonight, I thought for sure I would get some OW input. Oh well, maybe I'll get some tomorrow. Good night all.

 

It seems to be a general rule amongst the OW here not to respond to a thread started by BS or over-responded to by BS.

 

But I am sure that they are busily sending PMs to each other about it.

 

Honestly, it is probably one of their worst fears. Don't know why though. If a woman initiates a divorce, its not likely that she is going to take it back - just like your friend isn't planning to not divorce him even though they are still having sex. I had sex with at least one man before without marrying him, kwim?

 

As another poster always says, what's good for the goose (OW, in this case) is good for the gander (BW or STBXW) right?

[awkward]

Is this situation really all that uncommon? I would think the wife feels "safe" with the STBXH. She should always have him wear a condom just to be safer.

 

Your friend will tire of her STBXH soon enough. I'm sure that it is hard to take off the wife hat and start dating again. She will find her wings. Until then, if the sex is good she should enjoy her husband and their "alone" time.

 

I'm sure the OW would be hurt as at this point she probably feels like he owes her fidelity. But until the ink is dry, they are married. Married people tend to fornicate. I don't think the wife has any moral obligation to inform the OW as the "relationship" that they have is between husband and wife.

 

Now once they divorce, that's another ball game. If STBXH marries OW and ex-wife screws MM then she becomes the OW. Unfortunately, I don't think that situation is all that uncommon either. I think the difference is that in these cases the XW/OW probably doesn't want the MM to leave his marriage. It's probably just a comfortable sex type of thing.

 

Either way, I think mostly the wife/BS is the one to put the lock on the cookie jar when she is ready. If I had to guess, I would guess that even XMM still love them some cookies.

 

Anyways, this is all just wild speculation on my part. I just don't think that it would be all that uncommon.

[NoIDidn't]

Unfortunately, I don't think that situation is all that uncommon either. I think the difference is that in these cases the XW/OW probably doesn't want the MM to leave his marriage. It's probably just a comfortable sex type of thing.

 

I don't think its uncommon either. But I think in this case it IS more a revenge, see if the former OW likes it thing. And the ExW isn't living in a fantasy affair as she probably enjoys just having him part time knowing what it was like full time and not wanting it back.

 

Thing is, before any OW starts calling an ExW immature in this case, I will tell them their beef is "with [their] husband" as the ExW didn't exchange any vows with them.

 

Ahhhhh. Infidelity. The gift that keeps giving.

 

Eventually the ExW does get tired of him, though. From the cases I know of, the MM is more than happy to have two women regardless of the circumstances.

[OWoman]

I have a co-worker whose H had an affair and she has filed for divorce. For almost a year he has been with the OW. My co-worker has limited contact with the OW, but she sees her stbxh quite a bit because of the kids.

 

My co-worker and her stbxh seem to have a new found attraction for each other. They have had dinners without the kids and some late nights talking. The OW doesn't know about their time alone. Problem is now it has gotten physical and my co-worker is having a hard time deciding what to do. She still wants a divorce and will never trust him, but she enjoys the no strings relationship.

 

She knows that her stbxh will never be honest and tell the OW (now GF) about their "alone" time, so what should she do?

 

There have been so many threads on this forum about the fact that the OW didn't make any promises to the BW, so it isn't her place to tell. What happens when the BW becomes the OW? Does the former OW want to know? Or should my co-worker just let it be and not say anything?

 

My advice was to get as far away from her stbxh as she can. But, she doesn't seem to want to do that at this point. I think they have some unfinished business.

 

I'm not entirely sure why this thread was aimed specifically as OWs, since the "OW" in question is now his GF, and the situation becomes the same as any guy having sex with an x behind his GF's back. That's BS territory, right? I really don't feel qualified to comment on whether I'd want her to tell, as I've never been a BS.

[OWoman]

Every single one of my separated or divorced friends was still sleeping with their spouse - OW or not' date=' OM or not. Every single one of them. And their logic is just what Bent says: they are still married.[/quote']

 

:sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: I'm sorry I just can't get my head around that! Sleeping with someone you've dumped smacks of desperation on at least one person's part. It's like eating, throwing up and then eating the vomit. Gross!

[NoIDidn't]

I'm not entirely sure why this thread was aimed specifically as OWs, since the "OW" in question is now his GF, and the situation becomes the same as any guy having sex with an x behind his GF's back. That's BS territory, right? I really don't feel qualified to comment on whether I'd want her to tell, as I've never been a BS.

 

Until the ink is dry on the divorce decree, they are still married and she is still the OW. Sorry.

 

If he died at this very moment, his W will inherit everything legally.

 

I do agree that he is having sex with an X behind his OWs back, but this isn't your typical Ex situation with the person being cheated on being the person he cheated with.

[OWoman]

Until the ink is dry on the divorce decree' date=' they are still married and she is still the OW. Sorry.[/quote']

 

OTC - that depends on the laws of the country. In my country she's be regarded as his common law wife, and his S2BXW as his separated wife.

 

If he died at this very moment' date=' his W will inherit everything legally.[/quote']

 

Again, that depends on the legislation of the country, it's not an absolute. In my country and in my fiance's country, once separated the estates are no longer regarded as joint, and the W ceases to be an automatic heir, unless specifically provided for in the will.

 

I do agree that he is having sex with an X behind his OWs back' date=' but this isn't your typical Ex situation with the person being cheated on being the person he cheated with. [/quote']

 

I don't regard any situations as "typical" or not - I think they're all different and each has its own dynamic; it tends to be BSs who think As are all the same, not OWs.

 

But to me, who's technically married to who doesn't matter - my views on the sanctity of M are well known. To me, the primary R would be whoever is living together and going about their daily business in the eyes of the world as a couple. So, to my mind, it's just another GF being "cheated on" by her BF, with whomever.

[NoIDidn't]

Owoman you didn't really address anything that I said. Everything was passed over with the "not so in my country" angle.

 

And regarding the "typical" comment. If your "fiance" cheated on you with his exW, you wouldn't feel anyways different about that instance of cheating? Don't answer the question with "he would never do that", either. Its hypothetical.

 

Of course, OWs don't think As are the same. They all think theirs is different until they read about how similar they sound. BSs aren't the only ones with this view of affairs. BSs aren't the only ones responding on this thread either. I know how convenient it is to think that though.

[OWoman]

Owoman you didn't really address anything that I said. Everything was passed over with the "not so in my country" angle.

 

I addressed it by pointing out that your assumption that "separated is just married in a different light" is wrong. I can't speak about the US, about which legal system I know nothing, but in the countries whose laws I DO know, separated is very different to married, particularly if there is another partner with whom the "married" person is living common law. The common law partner is the one recognised by those countries as the "married" one for the purposes of legal protection of rights, etc.

 

And regarding the "typical" comment. If your "fiance" cheated on you with his exW' date=' you wouldn't feel anyways different about that instance of cheating? Don't answer the question with "he would never do that", either. Its hypothetical. [/quote']

 

First off, the situation CAN'T apply as "cheating" implies that there is the expectation of sexual exclusiveness and disapproval of stepping outside of that. I don't hold those views.

 

But if he were to have sex with his xW - were she not to die of shock, since they haven't had sex in several years, long long before even the separation never mind the divorce - would I regard that as different to him having sex with anyone else? No.

 

Of course' date=' OWs don't think As are the same. They all think theirs is different until they read about how similar they sound. BSs aren't the only ones with this view of affairs. BSs aren't the only ones responding on this thread either. I know how convenient it is to think that though.[/quote']

 

Interesting then that whenever I post, I get told "but your situation is different". Either they're all the same, or each one is different. It's highly unlikely that I just happen to have the one (or string of? not sure) A that happens to be different from every single other one...

[NoIDidn't]

Man, you are no fun. Refusing to answer a question with anything resembling something more than a well thought out circular logic.

 

So you are engaged with no expectation of exclusivity? I have a hard time with this from you. Why does a person that doesn't believe in the social constraints of marriage even plan to do so?

 

Well here comes the dreaded, "your situation is different". Either you can't or just won't attempt to see a view other than your own. I can see that if you truly don't believe in exclusivity that this may not apply to you. But being human I doubt that very seriously.

 

You have accused me of wanting to pick a fight in another thread. But that's not the case. I am trying to see where you are coming from, but you keep saying nothing applies to you. Either that or you don't own up to having any real feelings about anything. Oh well. I tried.

[OWoman]

I'll ignore the insults, and focus on the question:

 

So you are engaged with no expectation of exclusivity? I have a hard time with this from you. Why does a person that doesn't believe in the social constraints of marriage even plan to do so?

 

I don't "believe in" sexual exclusivity, in the sense of I don't subscribe to that set of values politically. Obviously I "believe in" it in the sense of believing that it can exist - my fiance and I are proof of that, having been sexually exclusive for much of the A (me, for much of it; him for the entire time) and since. However I recognise that that's where we are NOW; and that this may well (and probably will) change. I've never in my life previously been sexually exclusive, so this experience is new to me and I have no idea how long it is likely to last. But I hold out no expectation or demand that it will be forever.

 

Under "normal" circumstances, I wouldn't marry. I've BTDT and have many criticisms of the institution - the social expectation of sexual exclusivity being merely one. But, because he and I are citizens of different countries, in order for us to be able to live together and work in whichever country we domicile, we are required to be married to signal to the state that it's a valid union and not just one of convenience. So, we're marrying.

[herenow]

So, back to the original question to OW. If your MM was living with you for almost a year, the divorce almost final, would you like to know if he was still having sex with his wife? I know this is hypothetical, but I have always said that as a BS, I would want to know. But, many OW have different opinions.

[LakesideDream]

I say "who cares"? If three people want to act like alley cats, and mate when the oppertunity arises more power to them. Ultimately one of them will end up here whining about "infidelity" and how "disrespected" and dishonored they feel. It's all about me, me, me these days. This situation does not suprise me in the least.

[OWoman]

So, back to the original question to OW. If your MM was living with you for almost a year, the divorce almost final, would you like to know if he was still having sex with his wife? I know this is hypothetical, but I have always said that as a BS, I would want to know. But, many OW have different opinions.

 

If I was living with my fiance, and he was having sex with anyone other than me, I would like to know. Same way I'd tell him if I was having sex with anyone other than him. It's an agreement.

 

Would it make any difference if that person was his W - if he was still separated and the D was not yet finalised? Not remotely. I'd question his taste, but beyond that it would be the same as him bonking the postman or the lady in the co-op.

[Owl]

How would you feel if you found out he was sleeping with someone else, but didn't tell you? For whatever reason?

[OWoman]

How would you feel if you found out he was sleeping with someone else, but didn't tell you? For whatever reason?

 

Owl I'm not sure if this was addressed to me, or was a more general post, but on the off-chance I'll answer it.

 

If I found out the my fiance didn't share ANYTHING important with me - about work, about family, about life in general or about having sex with someone else in particular - I'd know it was over between us because it would mean he'd moved on and was no longer sharing the important stuff in his life with me. Which is fine - people change and their needs change - and I'd deal with it at the time.

 

If I found myself not sharing important things with him, about whatever, I'd similarly recognise that I'd moved on and that it was time for us to split.

[Adunaphel]

So, back to the original question to OW. If your MM was living with you for almost a year, the divorce almost final, would you like to know if he was still having sex with his wife? I know this is hypothetical, but I have always said that as a BS, I would want to know. But, many OW have different opinions.

 

I would *need* to know.

I'd rather hear it from him, and asap, but if this wasn't the case I would be absolutely grateful to anyone who informed me about it.

[Mino]

I would want to know. Just like I always felt that the wife had a right to Know.

[awkward]

Not all that interesting, its common.

 

Every single one of my separated or divorced friends was still sleeping with their spouse - OW or not, OM or not. Every single one of them. And their logic is just what Bent says: they are still married.

 

I was a little intrigued with this thread and how common/uncommon it was. I asked a few people how many people they knew still had sex after break-up, separation, or divorce. The answer: Every single one of them. I asked my brother and he said every single one of his friends had done this. I asked my husband and he said the same thing. I even asked a couple of friends. They both had done it and they couldn't think of anyone they knew who hadn't slept with their ex at least once. Whether their was an OP or not, it didn't matter. I know it's not a scientific sampling, but I wonder what would be the answer if all of you asked people you know. Also, I didn't ask for the logic behind it so I don't know why.

 

Which got me to wondering ... How often are the OW/OM ex's?

[NoIDidn't]

I was a little intrigued with this thread and how common/uncommon it was. I asked a few people how many people they knew still had sex after break-up, separation, or divorce. The answer: Every single one of them. I asked my brother and he said every single one of his friends had done this. I asked my husband and he said the same thing. I even asked a couple of friends. They both had done it and they couldn't think of anyone they knew who hadn't slept with their ex at least once. Whether their was an OP or not, it didn't matter. I know it's not a scientific sampling, but I wonder what would be the answer if all of you asked people you know. Also, I didn't ask for the logic behind it so I don't know why.

 

Which got me to wondering ... How often are the OW/OM ex's?

 

I know its not scientific but it IS VERY telling that we both have heard that ALL of our divorced or divorcing friends was still sleeping with their ex - OP or not.

 

I think the exW is the OW a lot of the time. I don't know about the exH being the OM.

[awkward]

 

I think the exW is the OW a lot of the time. I don't know about the exH being the OM.

 

I mean ex-GF, BF, XW, XH, long lost sweetheart, etc.

[NoIDidn't]

I mean ex-GF, BF, XW, XH, long lost sweetheart, etc.

 

Oh that is extremely common too. And is the cause of many divorces whether the two exes end up together or not.

[loulou101]

As an OW I wouldnt see where it is all that important for me to know because we have been doing the same thing for years he screws her at home and me on the side. Role reversal to a point I guess, but I dont see where it is that big of a deal. She doesnt owe me anything and I didnt owe her anything previously. It all goes back to the MM. He will act slefishly as long and as much as he possibly can!

[herenow]

I was a little intrigued with this thread and how common/uncommon it was. I asked a few people how many people they knew still had sex after break-up, separation, or divorce. The answer: Every single one of them. I asked my brother and he said every single one of his friends had done this. I asked my husband and he said the same thing. I even asked a couple of friends. They both had done it and they couldn't think of anyone they knew who hadn't slept with their ex at least once. Whether their was an OP or not, it didn't matter. I know it's not a scientific sampling, but I wonder what would be the answer if all of you asked people you know. Also, I didn't ask for the logic behind it so I don't know why.

 

Which got me to wondering ... How often are the OW/OM ex's?

 

Now that is very interesting. So, these MM who complain that they never have sex with their wives are having sex with their wives after they break up?

 

I ate lunch with my co-worker today and we discussed this situation a bit more. I found out that not only is he having sex with her and lying to the OW, he is complaining to my friend about how controlling the OW has become and saying that it was all a mistake. That the OW wants him to commit to her and he wants his wife back.

 

When I asked her how she reacted, she said she laughed. She said sex was always good with him, but she will never trust him to be anything more than a father to their kids. She is looking forward to the divorce being final, but she still likes the sex. I had nothing to say. Too twisted for my taste.