Trialbyfire Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 I understand the argument about insecure/jealousy. Yeah they can happen concurrently. Jealousy can be categorized in different levels as well. If you hear(and this question is thrown out to everyone) your boyfriend talking about an ex would you feel a LITTLE pinge of jealousy? Most likely. Not always, but I think most women do. It's great to be secure in a relationship. I still maintain that everyone feels a "little" jealous of someone in their life at some point. In every relationship, no, in SOME relationship in their life, yes. No, exes never trigger anything in me...period. They're exes for a reason. Having said that, my attitude smacked me in the face once, when it turned out the guy was still hung up on his ex and I had no idea. It creeped me out, finding out about it afterwards. Link to post Share on other sites
AlektraClementine Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Well I suppose there are 100s of things that make people feel like their relationship isn't secure. Not always jealousy. Tell me, are you able to pinpoint some of the specific things that make you feel so secure? I guess for me it's all about exposure. Exposure to certain elements increase the likelihood of someone being unfaithful. My BF travels extensively in the music industry. This equals more exposure. He's a faithful guy and I don't believe it to be in his moral fiber to cheat. However, I am not blind to the fact that guys like him are more exposed to "elements". For me this causes some unease or "insecurity". I can't help that. I CAN choose to trust for the good of the relationship and not give in to the inclination to freak out about it. That's enormously helpful to the relationship. His contribution is keeping in touch with me when he's on the road. Being sensitive to the fact that I'm the one at home. It works quite well for us. Hell, maybe you're just calling a spade a spade and I read too much into it. It just seemed like you were insinuating that your relationship was more "secure" than those relationships with some jealousy involved. I suspect you say otherwise though. Seriously though, I'm very interested to know why you feel so secure in your relationship. Not questioning it. I'm just genuinely interested. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 . Bottom line. If your girlfriend does not mind you talking to other girls then that's a red flag that she is losing interest level in you. She should want you to give up your female friendships. What a ridiculous thing to say. Maybe she's just mature and knows that trust is a vital part of any successful relationship.\ Yes Actually, girls who won't "care" if you talk to other girls are the ones you want to be with because that shows that they trust you. Girls who say no don't trust you. A relationship with no trust is as good as dead. Yes And trust is the main basis to a successful relationship. Absolutely. I don't agree that EVERYONE is jealous and that a certain degree of it is normal in a R. Like SG, I have not had one scrap of jealousy with my H. Jealousy doesn't feature in our R- we both have friends of the opposite sex, and everything is great. I trust him implicitly, and the feeling is mutual. If my H talks about an ex- no big deal. She is an EX. I am the one who is married to him. I am 100% secure in this R. So maybe its not that uncommon. I know several couples who would say the same thing- in fact most of my friends are in relationships that aren't affected by jealousy. I am no stranger to jealousy- I have experienced it in a previous relationship, and my ex didn't want me to have male friends. One of the MAIN reasons for the demise of that R was his possessive jealousy. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Relationships are a balance between two individuals. Insecurity on either side does nothing for the relationship and many times is caused by both parties, in that inconsistency breeds insecurity. If insecurity is triggered, you know you're not compatible since needs of some kind aren't being met. If you're with someone with compatible values and boundaries, there will be no insecurity. Their actions won't trip negative triggers. Both parties will instinctually do the mating dance in the way that works. It's difficult to explain in words. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Well I suppose there are 100s of things that make people feel like their relationship isn't secure. Not always jealousy. Tell me, are you able to pinpoint some of the specific things that make you feel so secure? Your logic doesn't follow. I didn't say jealousy makes a relationship insecure. I said if you are jealous, you are insecure in your relationship. What other reason would you have for being jealous, if you're not insecure in your relationship??? Explain that. It just seemed like you were insinuating that your relationship was more "secure" than those relationships with some jealousy involved. I suspect you say otherwise though. No, that's exactly what I'm saying. Jealousy is a horrible emotion. One I hope to never experience in my current relationship, because I know where it stems from - insecurity. Seriously though, I'm very interested to know why you feel so secure in your relationship. Not questioning it. I'm just genuinely interested. Hard to explain it, but I just do. As TBF would say, "He's rock solid." I have nothing but 150% trust in him...and it's not blindly given. He simply doesn't trigger any of my fears or insecurities, and all my needs are being met. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 To use a '70's analogy, the two of you are going to get up on the dance floor and do the Hustle together, rather than sabotaging it by stepping on each other's toes. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Hi- five goddesses! Link to post Share on other sites
AlektraClementine Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 I will not disagree with the fact that I feel insecurities about my relationship. I'll give you that. I think that your belief that your relationship is more secure than mine or anyone else's based on one facet of the relationship is VERY presumptuous. But, no matter. You could be right or you could be wrong. Same for me. I *try* very hard to not think or speak in absolutes. It is my belief that there are none, which is probably the only absolute that I believe in. I think this is the point where you and I split off. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Back atcha' sb! If someone is triggering your insecurities, take a good hard look at your relationship. Someone isn't meeting your needs. So some of the questions to ask is, have you expressed those needs? If so and they either refuse or are unable to meet them, then it's time to reconsider the relationship. Do you want a project or a mature relationship? Your choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Yup, ^5 ladies! Took me a while to figure this stuff out. I will not disagree with the fact that I feel insecurities about my relationship. I'll give you that. I think that your belief that your relationship is more secure than mine or anyone else's based on one facet of the relationship is VERY presumptuous. Well, you have insecurities about your relationship. I have absolutely none about mine. It it really all that presumptuous for me to believe that my relationship is more secure than yours, when mine has absolutely no insecurities and yours does? Again, your logic doesn't follow. If someone is triggering your insecurities, take a good hard look at your relationship. Yup, yup. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 If you're with someone with compatible values and boundaries, there will be no insecurity. Their actions won't trip negative triggers. Both parties will instinctually do the mating dance in the way that works. It's difficult to explain in words. I call it “cadence”, and I couldn’t agree more. Link to post Share on other sites
LovieDove24 Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 If someone is triggering your insecurities, take a good hard look at your relationship. Someone isn't meeting your needs. So some of the questions to ask is, have you expressed those needs? Im glad you added this tidbit about "expressing your needs" to the last little tidbit you posted. You see, the mating dance will get you so far but if neither party is willing to let their guard down and communicate that has more to do with the relationship success than the level of insecurity present. I can sense you may want to jump down my throat for this but listen. I, for instance have had a series of life experiences telling me not to trust a soul but myself. I lived in a toxic environment as a child where life was constantly upheaveled. Am I taking active measures to correct this? Yes but its still a long road coming. The relationship I'm in right now has stagnated from the "dance" since we are now 4 months in and it can only take us so far before I need to open up and help this relationship flourish. Life experience (i.e. rotten childhoods, terrible relationships, etc) has a MUCH larger effect on insecurites than the "dance" compatibility of your relationship. I will probably always think I have a fat ass no matter how often my bf reassures me I dont. Why? Because its all I ever heard from my father as a child. Kapeesh? Link to post Share on other sites
AlektraClementine Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Back atcha' sb! If someone is triggering your insecurities, take a good hard look at your relationship. Someone isn't meeting your needs. So some of the questions to ask is, have you expressed those needs? If so and they either refuse or are unable to meet them, then it's time to reconsider the relationship. Do you want a project or a mature relationship? Your choice. You know, sometimes the project is yourself. Some insecurities are a result of learned behavior or rearing rather than a mate who's not "meeting my needs". Yes, I express my needs. He listens. He acts. For me it is a step by step process that gets easier every day with a little effort. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 LovieDove and Alektra, there's only so much you can do to pretzel yourselves for a relationship. This doesn't mean you shouldn't change serious dysfunctional triggers but that's separate from feeling insecure in one relationship but secure in another. This is the difference between changing for someone else and changing for yourself. If your relationships implode the same way consistently, you know there's something to fix, whether it's your choice of partner, your dysfunction or a combination of both. Link to post Share on other sites
AlektraClementine Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Your logic doesn't follow. I said if you are jealous, you are insecure in your relationship. What other reason would you have for being jealous, if you're not insecure in your relationship??? Explain that. Well, I think my insecurities come from farther back than him. I am also very familiar with the music industry. My grandfather and father and many other family members and friends well all travelling musicians. I had a grandmother who advised me as a teenager/young adult to look the other way. "a man has needs. I never discussed your grandpa's girlfriends with him", etc... My father ran around on my mother and my mother around on him. It's a very exposed and free lifestyle. I'm not saying that people don't have choices but the frequency is higher. My boyfriend is an honest and moral man. I know this. Intellectually. This does not automatically stop my mind from remembering what I saw and heard growing up. Therefore, if I love him and want this to work, I have to put a bit more "blind trust" in him. And I do. Haven't been burned yet. Each day that I'm not burned, makes it easier. He realizes my insecurities and takes measure to ease my mind preemptively. That's his contribution. Link to post Share on other sites
LovieDove24 Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Mine may be the combo deal. Not quite sure yet and won't know till I actually open up about my needs and insecurities to my bf. But now after reading this thread I think I feel even less comfortable doing so than I did before. Makes me feel like I'm wrong for having insecurities and the occasional jealous bout. I suppose I am wrong for it, but at least I do realize its coming from inward feelings of inadequacy as opposed to the way my bf and I "dance" together (I keep using that term bc I like it TBF, ya done good! ). Does this mean I'm sposed to stay away from the dating pool altogether cuz I'm occasionally jealous and insecure? Seems thats what many of you are saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Well, I think my insecurities come from farther back than him. I know you don't know my history, but before meeting my current BF, I would have said the same thing. I have insecurities or "issues," just like everyone else does...rooted way, way, WAY back. However, my current BF doesn't trip the wires to set off those emotions. I'm not sure if I found him because I was finally wise to the types of men who trigger those negative emotions and purposefully looked in the other direction, or if I just got lucky. But the fact remains that he doesn't trigger any of my fears. Because of this, I am completely secure in my relationship. It sounds to me like you're trying to accept fault for your BF's triggering of your insecurities. I don't think that's a healthy approach. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 LovieDovie, do all your relationships implode the same way? Link to post Share on other sites
theBrokenMuse Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 I've never been jealous and demanding in any relationship, ever. It's not a part of my personality. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 To use a '70's analogy, the two of you are going to get up on the dance floor and do the Hustle together, rather than sabotaging it by stepping on each other's toes. Hustle? How about Lambada Link to post Share on other sites
AlektraClementine Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 I know you don't know my history, but before meeting my current BF, I would have said the same thing. I have insecurities or "issues," just like everyone else does...rooted way, way, WAY back. However, my current BF doesn't trip the wires to set off those emotions. I'm not sure if I found him because I was finally wise to the types of men who trigger those negative emotions and purposefully looked in the other direction, or if I just got lucky. But the fact remains that he doesn't trigger any of my fears. Because of this, I am completely secure in my relationship. It sounds to me like you're trying to accept fault for your BF's triggering of your insecurities. I don't think that's a healthy approach. Thank you for sharing more about yourself. I see exactly what you mean. Not having your wires tripped sounds like a lovely position to be in. I'm a stubborn girl. I think I am trying to accept being with someone who's "genre" terrifies me. He's really an OK guy. Believe you me, he can be quite stewpid sometimes and I'm no doormat. I have gotten better about calling it out. You know why? Because it feels better. And I finally hit rock bottom one day and realized that the loss of the relationship would pale in comparison to the alternative: the state of my mind. I've made some changes. I've encouraged more talks about how we live our lives. I've made it clear that I have a certain direction in life that I hope is concurrent with his own. He's said as much and his actions seem to support the claims. Here's the thing with me. If I see progress, I keep moving. Maybe I'll be on here one day saying "you told me so". Who knows. I don't break easy though Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Hustle? How about Lambada Your post made me think about it another way. If one person's doing the lambada and the other is doing the hustle, how are you ever going to synchronize? That's a lot of hard work! Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Especially if you're doing it with other dance partners......! Hell-oooo?? Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Especially if you're doing it with other dance partners......! Hell-oooo?? I think the ideal is always one dance partner, but hey if they don't wanna stick around - someone else will wanna dance Link to post Share on other sites
LovieDove24 Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 LovieDovie, do all your relationships implode the same way? Kinda. Boyfriend #1 cheated on me and I caught him by digging thru emails when I suspected something was up. Boyfriend #2 just straight up stopped calling me and after two weeks I finally called and he said he just wasn't "feelin" it anymore (that was only like a 4 monther). Boyfriend #3 left me when I was two months pregnant. Common theme? Clearly abandonment. Thru therapy and attending Alanon meetings I've discovered I chose men who exemplified the abandonment I felt my whole childhood. My parents were so caught up in their drinking and gambling that I raised myself starting at the age of six or seven. I was a forgotten and neglected child and it has affected all of my relationships prior. Luckily, I am self aware enough that I can at least acknowledge my patterns...I just have not gotten rid of the anxieties surrounding them. Problem with current bf is that we both have children and have a hard time meeting up. We'll go a couple of days without talking. Sometimes the distance is totally comfortable for me, other times I start to get that terrible anxiety I never dealt with as a child. My recovery process is not something that is going to be fixed over night. My therapist has gone so far as to say that the constant abuse and trauma I dealt with as a child has led me to have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Relationships are my trigger. So as much as some of you want to say that it ALL has to do with the "rightness" of how you are together...I have to disagree. Just like a war veteran can't watch war movies without anxiety, I can't step into a relationship without anxiety too. I think biggest problem thus far is I haven't communicated any of these fears to my current bf. Didn't wanna come off as psycho if you will. Link to post Share on other sites
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