Can't stand being around ex husband who is addict/alcoholic

[sshish216]

I am divorced 8 years from an emotionally, mentally abusive addict. We have 3 kids. He is still using. The kids want him in their life (until he does something to make them angry, at which time they come to me to complain) He has done things to me during the 8 years we have been divorced to hurt me financially as well. I get alimony, child support. Now the kids wants him in their life (kids are in early 20's) but I refuse to be in the same room with him. So when there is something involving my kids, either my ex will go or I will go. Never will I go knowing he is there. My son has said that his father has quit pot (other things) but still drinks a little (keeping the addiction going). My kids are fooled by him. I am not. He has not gotten any counseling as far as I know. The guy is 52 years old and has always smoked pot, did drugs/drink all his life. As far as I am concerned, he is still in a full blown addiction. There is no sugar coating it. I have been through counseling.

 

Call it immature if you want, but after all I have been through, why do I have to be around him? I am not comfortable at all. A friend told me that there is no reason why after 8 years we can't be in the same room together. HA She wasn't abused by him and it's easy for others to say. I know at some point, whether one of my kids gets married or graduates school, that I will HAVE to go. But when its not a HAVE to, I don't. Am I missing out on things? Sure some things. But I was always there for my kids in the day to day stuff, the important things. I was the one who raised them, not him, he was out partying, so I am missing very little.

 

Opinions are appreciated

Thank you

[Geishawhelk]

I'm with you, kid.

[sshish216]

Thank you Geisha! I hate when people don't understand the situation and try to make me feel like I am the one wrong here.

 

This guy is still in a full blown addiction! I dont want to be around it at all! If he were to clean up his act, I could probably be civil. NOT UNTIL!

[amaysngrace]

I don't know about all that...it sounds like you are too attached to this man emotionally after quite some time.

 

Why he can still get all this anger and disgust out of you seems like you have not yet moved on. I am not trying to make you feel bad about that, I'm just saying it as I see it.

 

Why dwell on all the anger and hurt and even resentment because your children love this man as well as they love you?

 

Shouldn't knowing he is out of your daily life be enough to make you at peace?

 

I'm sorry but I just don't understand all this pent-up hostility.

[Geishawhelk]

Oh, sorry...yes, good point........

[amaysngrace]

Oh, sorry...yes, good point........

 

What's that suppose to mean?

[Geishawhelk]

I mean I agree with you.

 

Why is the OP still so vitriolic after all this time?

Why would she still be allowing something like this to occupy her energy?

Would it not be healthier for herself and her children to just drop it, keep her distance by all means, but just move on emtionally and drop the baggage?

 

The "rolleyes" was a self-criticism. I'm an idiot for not having seen that.....

[amaysngrace]

I mean I agree with you.

 

 

Oh okay. Phew! I thought you and I were going to tango today.

 

And not in a good way.

 

Thing is I know we'd be cool about it either way. We got it going on like that.

[Geishawhelk]

Yes, and that is sooooooooo cool!!

[sshish216]

Let me give just a few scenarios that I dealt with.

 

Just 2-3 years ago, my daughter was asleep at his house. She was about 19 at the time. Her father got high, put his bong back in the bathroom cabinet where he always kept it, the ashes lit q tips on fire and it set the whole bathroom on fire. The smoke alarm went off, my daughter woke up and grabbed a hose right outside the door and put it out. She called me up screaming at the top of her lungs. He could have killed my daughter and the pets that were in the house at the time. The bathroom had to be gutted and the rest of the house painted, cleaned.

 

When she was 12 years old, he let her drive the car on a major highway with my 9 year old son in the back seat, he was in the front seat "teaching" her. He told me she did a great job.

 

Those are just a few.

 

Oh and I did take him to court for these incidents, the court would just give him supervised visits for awhile and then give the kids right back after a few months.

 

Yeah I would say I have disgust for him.

[Geishawhelk]

Ok, however justified you feel, and I can see why you'd feel like this, you have to stop the hate.

It's completely destructive and does you no good at all.

 

Your kids are grown up now, and whilst they may make choices you disagree with, they have a biological tie to him. He is their father, like it or not.

 

You on the other hand, can distance yourself. You owe him nothing.

So really, it's self-defeating.

[sshish216]

Easier said than done. It will take time, if ever, that I am completely over what he has done.

 

If, the best I can do for now is to stay completely away from him, that is how I have to handle it.

 

Thanks for the opinions

[Lishy]

Shish, I agree with you! Why should you be in the same room as him?

 

Your kids are not kids and do not need mum and dad to be together at functions. They should appreciate that you do not like him as he ABUSED you, why should you like a guy who takes drugs, nearly kills his kids and abuses the mother of his children?

 

You have put up with enough because you have kids with him, the link has to stop somewhere!..

 

Dont let anyone make you feel bad for the choice you have made, it is YOUR choice to be in the same room as him. He made his choice to abuse you and who is standing over him making him feel bad about it?

 

Some people like to take the 'politically correct' approach but really have no idea of the emotion that comes after years of abuse. You do what suits YOU and stop worrying about if it is right or wrong, like I have said, your kids are not kids and you are entitled to feel exactly how you want to feel!

[Geishawhelk]

Some people like to take the 'politically correct' approach

 

What 'politically correct' approach do you mean?

 

but really have no idea of the emotion that comes after years of abuse.

Unless you know their story, you have no right to assume that.....

 

You do what suits YOU and stop worrying about if it is right or wrong, like I have said, your kids are not kids and you are entitled to feel exactly how you want to feel!

 

Absolutely.

But if it's a feeling that leads to anger, bitterness and a self-destructive attitude - tell me anything about it that's healthy?

[sshish216]

Thank you Lishy. I feel that if I am in any way uncomfortable being around him, why should I subject myself? I am in peace NOT being around him. I am HAPPY when he is NOT around me.

 

I feel that anything less than NC is enabling this guy. There are enough of his family members AND his kids that enable him. That is why he is 52 and still going strong with the drugs. Its the elephant in the living room that everyone just walks around.

 

So the next time his house is on fire from his stupidity and my kids are in that house, they will call me and ask me what to do. I will tell them call 911 and hang up??? How do you not get emotionally involved in this? Its their choice so let them deal with it on their own? I am really am having a hard time with this. I dont know that I can ever not be around him. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop with him. I know my kids are young adults. But as a good mom, do you ever stop worrying about them when their father is so reckless? I know things can happen and I pray that they dont. But he is soo reckless and is teaching them his ways. I have tried to be civil towards him. The crap just continues. He emails me, tries to get in my face and talk to me. I ignore him. Hard to keep that up, when he doesnt get it. I dont want to be bothered by him.

 

This has been a tough one for me.

[Geishawhelk]

So the next time his house is on fire from his stupidity and my kids are in that house, they will call me and ask me what to do. I will tell them call 911 and hang up???

Yes, got it in one!

 

How do you not get emotionally involved in this? Its their choice so let them deal with it on their own?

Yes, if you've made your feelings clear and explained your reasoning, of course. Why not?

I really am having a hard time with this. I dont know that I can ever not be around him. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop with him. I know my kids are young adults. But as a good mom, do you ever stop worrying about them when their father is so reckless?

No you don't. A good mum never stops wondering and worrying about her children. But at one point you have to realise they make their own life choices, and you make yours. They can't ever hope to impose their desires on you - and nor can you do it to them.

 

I know things can happen and I pray that they dont. But he is soo reckless and is teaching them his ways.

They're not stupid, are they?

If they want to learn his ways, they will. That's their choice.

If they don't want to learn his ways, they won't. That's their choice.

You can try to influence by good attitude, example and living. Everything outside of that is up to them.

 

I have tried to be civil towards him. The crap just continues. He emails me, tries to get in my face and talk to me. I ignore him. Hard to keep that up, when he doesnt get it. I dont want to be bothered by him.

 

This has been a tough one for me.

Then don't make it any tougher.

Block his e-mails, and cut him off everywhichway you can.

Let go.

Let your kids do what they want and trust their judgement. The truth will out, you've tried. You can do no more.

[sshish216]

There is no right or wrong answer here. I am going to do only what "I" feel comfortable with. No one else can live my life for me. I feel that I have "tolerated" him for the sake of the kids while they were young. AND NOW that they are young adults, I can live my life for ME and do what I feel is comfortable for ME. It's me time.

 

If I don't feel comfortable being around "anyone", I don't have to. I have that right. I wasn't "allowed" to feel when I was in the relationship, wasn't "allowed" to think for myself, be myself. Now I am doing whatever I **** well please.

 

So to follow the rule books on etiquette and just ignore the ex husband at social functions with the kids doesn't work for me. Not with this guy.

 

He just emailed yesterday morning for something stupid. Just to piss me off? Just because he is stupid? I dont know. But I will ignore it either way. He wants to be in my life and as long as he is an addict, there will be no contact. If he chooses to clean up his act and grow up, we can absolutely have a civil relationship for the sake of our kids. I am up for that. But I will not enable him anymore, even being in the same room as him. That to me is enabling him. It is saying, I can be in the same room with you even though I know you still use.

 

Not going to happen.

 

Thanks for the opinions folks. It has confirmed how I feel and I am doing what is right for me. I am thinking of me for the first time in my life and not doing what is right for everyone else.

[Geishawhelk]

You're absolutely right, there's no arguing with any of that.

 

Just don't do it out of anger or resentment.

 

Do it out of Dignity, Self-Respect and Serenity.

 

Go to it!

[Lishy]

This is what I mean Geish ...

 

Ater the initial post you said

 

 

I'm with you, kid.

 

Followed by ....

 

 

I mean I agree with you.

 

Why is the OP still so vitriolic after all this time?

Why would she still be allowing something like this to occupy her energy?

Would it not be healthier for herself and her children to just drop it, keep her distance by all means, but just move on emtionally and drop the baggage?

 

So again I ask, how do you just drop it???????????

 

The "rolleyes" was a self-criticism. I'm an idiot for not having seen that.....

 

 

Ok, however justified you feel, and I can see why you'd feel like this, you have to stop the hate.

It's completely destructive and does you no good at all.

 

It is fine to tell her to drop it Geish but you are not telling her where this tap is in her head, so she can turn her emotions and the damage done to her by theis man off!

 

Your kids are grown up now, and whilst they may make choices you disagree with, they have a biological tie to him. He is their father, like it or not.

 

You on the other hand, can distance yourself. You owe him nothing.

So really, it's self-defeating.

 

But she still has to deal with the gnawing in her mind that their dad is a drug addict who could put them in danger!

 

What 'politically correct' approach do you mean?

 

The approach I was talking about was your simplified way of telling her to backoff and get over it!

 

 

Unless you know their story, you have no right to assume that.....

 

And YOU have no right to make a woman who feels bad, feel even worse do you? Do YOU know her story or the emotion that goes with it? Practice what you preach sista!

 

 

 

Absolutely.

But if it's a feeling that leads to anger, bitterness and a self-destructive attitude - tell me anything about it that's healthy?

 

Is it healthy to have lived with abuse and still have to have the abuser in your life?

 

Yes, got it in one!

 

 

Yes, if you've made your feelings clear and explained your reasoning, of course. Why not?

 

So YOU would do that would you? You would tell your kids to call 999 and just put the phone down? What world do you live in?

 

No you don't. A good mum never stops wondering and worrying about her children. But at one point you have to realise they make their own life choices, and you make yours. They can't ever hope to impose their desires on you - and nor can you do it to them.

 

Absolutely right! And that is why she is here ... She is WORRIED! She needs help not to be told to let it go and no help in how to do that!

 

 

They're not stupid, are they?

If they want to learn his ways, they will. That's their choice.

If they don't want to learn his ways, they won't. That's their choice.

You can try to influence by good attitude, example and living. Everything outside of that is up to them.

 

Hahhaha this is the real world Geish, not Brady Bunch world, our kids will be influenced by many bad people in life, but the bad person/influence in their life is their dad, a person they SHOULD look to for guidance!

 

 

Then don't make it any tougher.

Block his e-mails, and cut him off everywhichway you can.

Let go.

Let your kids do what they want and trust their judgement. The truth will out, you've tried. You can do no more.

 

This is what she IS doing, and she is being put down for it?

 

Geish I normally agree with what you say but I think you are spending too much time on here and are a bit jaded, tough love is one thing but what you are saying lately on here is just bitter! Sorry but it's true!

 

OP, I understand how you feel totally as I am in a similar position with my sons dad and my son is 12. I know how you feel and I agree that you should just tell your kids how you feel and stay away from their dad. They will have to understand as they are adults and you are entitled to your feelings and hurt.

 

If our boss screamed abuse at us and emotionally and mentally tortured us whilst taking drugs and gettng drunk, would we work for him? I doubt it!

[Geishawhelk]

 

But she still has to deal with the gnawing in her mind that their dad is a drug addict who could put them in danger!

yes, but what you're not getting, is that they are adults now. She has no say in the matter. She can care all she wants - and as a mom, she should. But their choices, are their choices. Just as your son's choices - when he's an adult - will be down to him, whatever your opinion in the matter will be.

 

 

Is it healthy to have lived with abuse and still have to have the abuser in your life?

No, but if she doesn't don't drop the anger, resentment and hostility, he will continue dominating her life.

 

 

This is what she IS doing, and she is being put down for it?

The only thing I've remarked on, is the above. I haven't put her down over anything. Tell me - show me - anywhere, where I have actually "put her down"....

 

Geish I normally agree with what you say but I think you are spending too much time on here and are a bit jaded, tough love is one thing but what you are saying lately on here is just bitter! Sorry but it's true!

No, I'm not bitter at all. What do I have to be bitter about? I'm a very happy person, because any garbage, baggage, issues and agendas I had, I dropped ages ago, and if I can do it, so can anyone else. I'm not the one venting and protesting here, am I....?

 

OP, I understand how you feel totally as I am in a similar position with my sons dad and my son is 12. I know how you feel and I agree that you should just tell your kids how you feel and stay away from their dad. They will have to understand as they are adults and you are entitled to your feelings and hurt.

She can't. Because they too, are adults and free to make their own choices, equally. She can lead by example, but ultimately she has no say in what they do.

If our boss screamed abuse at us and emotionally and mentally tortured us whilst taking drugs and gettng drunk, would we work for him? I doubt it!

Maybe not. But what the other employees choose to do is up to them.

 

Lishy, you also have burning issues with your ex- and the problem is you are speaking from a base of anger, resentment, and hostility, which is understandable.

Butsuch emotions colour the view and perception, and not always positively.

[Lishy]

I agree that I feel her pain Geish because of my own circumstances.

 

What I am saying is that it is very much easier said than done to drop the hostility! I wish I knew how to!

 

When you have been mentally tortured by a person it is impossible to sit in the same room as them without feeling strong emotions/fear/anger.

[Geishawhelk]

I agree that I feel her pain Geish because of my own circumstances.

 

What I am saying is that it is very much easier said than done to drop the hostility! I wish I knew how to!

 

Give yourself permission to do so. Nobody is obligating you to continue feeling this way, but you. The reason you haven't dropped it, is because you feel it's not something you should do. You think dropping these strong feelings will leave you weaker. but the feelings are negative, and they keep you weak.

Dropping them will make you float to the surface again, and make you stronger.

 

Choose.

 

When you have been mentally tortured by a person it is impossible to sit in the same room as them without feeling strong emotions/fear/anger.

 

Why is it impossible?

Who told you this?

Where do you get the idea that it is?

This is something you have created for yourself, in your head.

That's where Fear and Anger thrive and exist.

In your head.

Why give them that clearance?

Why bow down to something that is intangible, invisible and non-existent as an object?

[sshish216]

Thank you Lishy

 

It does help that someone understands, can empathsize with how I feel. I have done everything I can possibly do to be civil, stay away from my ex. The only thing that seems to work the best for me in my situation is stay clear of my ex. That means everything. I can do that more so since my kids have become adults. Like I said, he still tries to keep the connection with me and I think more so recently knowing that there is no connection between us anymore. Kids are grown, no need to.

 

I know when my kids calls screaming that the house is on fire, I know I have to tell them call 911. I can tell you I will be doing it hysterically crying. It is hard to just turn off the disgust for him and his disease but it is the only thing I can do.

 

I know I sound angry, hateful. But really I am not. Just tired of it. I have been dealing with it for a long time. I am at peace, happier with my life as it is. Divorce doesnt completely end things. It just makes it so you don't to live with the day to day. I'll take it.

[Geishawhelk]

sshish, I just want to clarify that I am as with you as I was on the first post. But it doesn't mean I don't empathise.

The only reason I can give the opinion I give, is because I too have been there. So I'm not speaking from an outsider's point of view.

I can completely relate and equate.

The fact that I can be so objective is precisely because I know - for myself - that it can be done.

I'm living proof.

[sshish216]

I have taken what you both have said with a lot of weight. You both have made very good points.

 

It is unhealthy to be around someone who uses. He still does. I want no parts of him.

 

I have to keep my distance in a healthy way for myself. Without anger. It only hurts me.

 

So to get back to why I came here in the first place. I can't stand being around him and my kids are older, do I have to? I have come to the conclusion that I dont. No need to any more. My choice. Healthiest for me.

 

When the kids call complaining about their father because they choose to have him in their life, hang up. They are adults, they made the choice. Even though it hurts like H*LL to watch it all. I will work on that one.

 

This is great. Thanks again for hashing this out with me. It has helped me tremendously. You guys are awesome.