Can't stand being around ex husband who is addict/alcoholic

[sshish216]

When women are abused by a spouse, they were never ever allowed to feel. Never validated. I understand completely what you are saying. Let the anger go, it only hurts me. I try. Its is hard when things keep happening. But I keep plugging along doing the best I can. It feels great when you have someone finally agree with how you "feel" , validate you. I know that what I feel is NOT wrong.... when it was to my ex for so long.

[amaysngrace]

The one thing you seem to overlook in this sshish is that YOU picked him. You made a choice years ago to be with him, marry him, let him father your children KNOWING he had this problem. You said it has been lifelong.

 

So hasn't enough damage been done? Haven't your kids been through enough having an addict as a dad? Haven't they suffered enough by being exposed to the abuse? Haven't they heard enough of your bad mouthing of this man you chose to father them?

 

I understand he behaves badly but it doesn't mean you need to as well. You are creating more tension in the lives of your children by being this way.

 

Yes be mad at him for how he acts. Yes be angry about the abuse if you can't let it go. But please don't just brush under the rug the fact that YOU picked him.

 

And therefore you have a responsibility in this situation as well. And just because he behaves like an irresponsible parent does not allieve you of your responsibility to be a good parent to your children.

 

Time to let the feelings go and put your children's feelings first. I'm not saying that you haven't done this all along, you probably have. But maybe you need to do it once more.

[Lishy]

I do not believe that making herself be at the same place as her ex is helping her. What is Sshish doing wrong? She has made a decision not to see him and in my eyes that is the best solution as long as he is using still!

 

She is doing her best by staying away from him and not letting her kids see her hostility towards him. They are adults and she can let them know why and why she has made that choice - It is not as if she is telling her kids that if they see him that she will disown them!!

 

Dont put the phone down on your kids if they are distressed about their dad, be there for them and advise them, just dont see him!

 

He will always be in your life due to you having kids with him but he does not have to be stood infront of you or talking to you.

 

Yes you chose him and now you have unchosen him! We make mistakes and we learn by them so you carry on doing what you are doing, whatever it takes to self preserve!

 

I only ever feel anger at my ex now when I see his face or hear his voice, so I too have made that choice and I know it is the right one!!

[sshish216]

OMG isn't it a little late for the blame game? Yeah I picked him, married him, suffered and got rid of him. We all make mistakes. I am not the only one that made a mistake. Look at the divorce rate. Thats why it is called disillusion of marriage. The blame game is way over with who ever you are. My kids are adults now. GEEZ. Thanks for taking over where he left off, where everything is my fault. That is what he beat into my head, that I was wrong about everything, that everything was MY fault, not his. Thanks so much for that.

 

And do the right thing for my children? I am... by staying away from him or other wise the abuse would continue. I am not telling my kids to stay away, I am. And the reason my kids want him in their life, he has money. I believe in my heart if he didn't, they wouldn't associate with him either.

[Geishawhelk]

When the kids call complaining about their father because they choose to have him in their life, hang up. They are adults, they made the choice. Even though it hurts like H*LL to watch it all. I will work on that one.

 

This is great. Thanks again for hashing this out with me. It has helped me tremendously. You guys are awesome.

 

sshish, you don't need to hang up on them, but you have to make them see that they too are the bearers of the consequences of their own choices.

The thing is, when they used to call you about anything, up to now, you have let them see that they can depend on you to fix things. because doubtless, you always have.... you have relentlessly made up for the shortfall in his commitment and obligations to them, and wiped their noses, brushed them off, wiped them down and stood them up again.

 

Well it all stops here, huh?

 

The next time they call with the plaintive "Mom, *this* has happened...!" All you have to gently ask is, "Wow, well, look at that! So what are you gonna do about it now?"

 

And await the response.

That puts the ball - and responsibility firmly at their feet.

if they're grown up now, they'll have to take everything being a grown-up entails. That includes making decisions, making mistakes and making good.

 

Don't ask what they expect YOU to do about it - that's provocation, if you see what I mean. Just ask them gently what they think their next move will be.

Bit by bit, let go.

Let them swim on their own.

They'll soon see how difficult it is when they get out of their own depth and mamma ain't there with the water -wings and towel.......

[amaysngrace]

Thanks so much for that, not that you matter.

 

And thank you so much for that.

 

I hope you never miss what you're missing.

[sshish216]

Thank you Geisha. I see exactly what you are saying. I am at the crossroads with them now. They are 17, 21 and 24. (The older ones I have let go more so, the 17 yr old I am still in protecting mode) Its hard when they become young adults, you know they still need you somewhat and you jump to help, but you can't anymore. Its been a natural reaction for me for a long time. I get that I just have to guide, not fix.

 

Asking them what they will do about "whatever" happens is a good way to put it. It's for them to figure out, not me.

 

I appreciate your help. You and the other poster Lishy? have been great. (not that last poster, how annoying. A little late for the "I picked him" stuff, so that means I deserve what I got? The nerve)

[Lishy]

Hahhaha whenever anyone on here posts a problem we should just all say that they made their bed so lay in it! How short would that thread be eh lol

 

Amay, I am shocked at you, seeing as you go through the same thing, oh well I am glad no one told you it was your fault as you chose your ex when he hit your son so hard he smashed his glasses into his face, as that would be hurtful and thoughtless right?

 

People just post sometimes without thinking and do not take into consideration that it is a REAL person with REAL feelings at the other end of the puter!

[sshish216]

I hope you are never missing what you are missing? What is that supposed to mean?

[sshish216]

OMG Lishy. She does have some nerve. The way she talked, she acted like her life had been so honky dory, like she made all the right decisions in her life. Unbelievable. Thank you again for that piece of information.

 

I would like her to step into a womens shelter and tell all of them that they "PICKED THEM" thats why they are all in there. They would run her out of there so fast.

 

Why do we have rehabs, why do we have websites like this one with "coping with addiction" sections? Many people have dealt with this and many are just looking for answers to help them make it better. To do just that, cope. Glad I told her off.

[amaysngrace]

Hahhaha whenever anyone on here posts a problem we should just all say that they made their bed so lay in it! How short would that thread be eh lol

 

Amay, I am shocked at you, seeing as you go through the same thing, oh well I am glad no one told you it was your fault as you chose your ex when he hit your son so hard he smashed his glasses into his face, as that would be hurtful and thoughtless right?

 

 

I was just thinking like a mom is all. One who can put her feelings aside, while even knowing I picked a loser, for the well-being of her child.

 

When life throws you lemons make lemonade. Or be bitter. Whatever.

 

Just realize sshish that when you make this situation tense for your children they probably don't appreciate it. They would probably prefer it if you could all just get along.

 

Your own friend doesn't understand you sshish...what's that tell you? Oh she probably doesn't matter either, huh?

[Tony]

I've just had to delete a number of posts from this thread because they were mean, petty, argumentative, insulting and off topic. Others remain. If you can't post ON TOPIC and in a civil way, please do not post here. Thank you in advance for your cooperation in observing the guidelines you agreed to when you joined our forums.