28 year old with Jealousy issues

[taintedsoul]

I have been jealous generally as long as I can remember. I was 'chubby' at school and just frowned about it and thought the world was against me, that nothing was fair and I had generally been given the short straw in life. I was bullied for being 'fatty' and all that.

 

I lost my mother at the age of two. And my dad did a good job of bringing me up, but over the years it's clear that I'm very different to others, never having that mother to well be motherly. My dad is a straight forward fellow and I have always been an emotional sensitive soul, bluntly I got little reassurance from my father.

 

I guess I choose to laugh or make people laugh sometimes to hide what's beneath, a massive sheild. Making people laugh and smile makes me feel warm inside, when I try and fail I feel awful and self doubted.

 

I can't help comparing myself to people - whether they're better looking than me, have better jobs, more money, more success. I rarely look at what I have got - which is a good bunch of friends, a trustworthy father and a wonderful girlfriend.

 

I find it incredibly hard to let people 'in' due to previous relationships - half of them cheated and I found out, one told me, the other a friend of the partner did - which brutally wrecked my general trust for people somewhat. OBVIOUSLY this is not what everyone is like, but it just bites me sometimes.

 

I've never really talked in depth about this to anyone. I told a close friend when I was a teenager and we grew apart, and I later found out that such 'secrets' where spread by him and was massively embarrassing for me.

 

Every relationship I've had has been tainted by the 'getting to know' stage being lovely and wonderful (when everythings fresh and new, and you have no reason for paranoid/jealous thoughts) to generally steady and happy, but unpredictable outbursts of negativity from me directed at my partner.

 

When I feel a bit low, i.e. I've had a bit of a bad week and I'm not reassured that I'm a good person, etc. I can go in to a thought process where I worry that other blokes will be more desirable than me, and steal my girlfriend from me, that my girlfriend (current and past) grow ever more distant from me in fear of my un-called for outbursts of negativity. i.e. WHY have you been talking to that guy on facebook? - When it's done I know it's going to cause grief, and I dislike myself for doing it straight away. I guess I feel needy too when I'm in a lull (every couple of months say), which is not pleasant for any lady. I make partners feel restricted and that they are walking on egg shells in fear of upsetting my sensitive emotions.

 

Deep down I KNOW my current girlfriend is trustworthy, feels very strongly for me, loves me - but my actions will end this and will every other partner I may or may not have in my life.

 

I'm not sure whether to go to my doctor as they tend to prescribe 'happy pills' that I would feel guilty taking as it's a bit of a cop out and isn't truly dealing with the problem.

 

I did a lot of thinking at the weekend and visited my Mothers grave (which I tend to when I can't find an answer). I've come to the conclusion that I am tainted and feel so outcast due to never having a motherly figure in my life at all, my self esteem is easily tarnished when someone is doing 'better' than me at something.

 

I'm a level headed guy, am confident and relatively content in my working life, and I enjoy the company of my friends and loved ones. BUT this 'monster' keeps appearing and I don't know how to fight him away for good.

 

Any advice would be greatfully received. If there are any questions that might help me further if answered, I'd be happy to do so.

 

Thank you.

[mr.dream merchant]

When I feel a bit low, i.e. I've had a bit of a bad week and I'm not reassured that I'm a good person, etc. I can go in to a thought process where I worry that other blokes will be more desirable than me, and steal my girlfriend from me, that my girlfriend (current and past) grow ever more distant from me in fear of my un-called for outbursts of negativity. i.e. WHY have you been talking to that guy on facebook? - When it's done I know it's going to cause grief, and I dislike myself for doing it straight away. I guess I feel needy too when I'm in a lull (every couple of months say), which is not pleasant for any lady. I make partners feel restricted and that they are walking on egg shells in fear of upsetting my sensitive emotions.

 

That was such an accurate description of when I used to suffer from this. I really can't form any method of how I got over it. It just...happened. I don't get really jealous anymore, I guess because I'm used to my girlfriend now and I'm past the possessive stage, where I felt my girlfriend was more of a territorial thing rather than a person. Every now and then though, just like you, when I'm having a ****ty day, of course I'm at a low and I'll see a nice looking guy and think "Man that dude could steal my GF if he wanted" But its never the reality. Its just how we perceive things because we're depressed and aren't thinking very clearly. I'm sure you a wonderful looking guy, as am I, but depression gets the best of us man. And with it comes its buddies jealousy and insecurity.

[taintedsoul]

Thanks for your words. I hope I too can get over it. It's definitely ridiculous and irrational, when 99.9% of the time we're great. This is also the most painful as to her I'm obviously very confusing, which in turn pushes her away, which makes me feel terrible for hurting her and mad with myself for causing the hurt.

 

Vicious cycle...

[bigproblems]

A lot of people deal with jealousy, and honestly in some ways its perfectly rational, but sometimes it can consume you and turn into an ugly monster that can quickly get out of control. Feeling jealous when your gf talks to another man I would say is fairly normal, as long as you keep it under control and dont let it turn into something that its not. If your gf was seeing other men, then you shouldn't sit back and wait for her, but if she is just talkint with friends and what not you shouldn't gut her about it.

 

Jealousy is a tricky emotion, because one second you can be ok and the next you can be anything but ok. It can be as little as a frustrated feeling, or it can be as big as a abusive boyfriend. There are boundaries in which you should reasonably express your jealousy. Does that make sense? Its about controlling your thoughts, really.

 

It sounds like to me you fall into something called "brain lock", where literally you focus on whatever this issue is that is causing you so much jealousy. You get locked into this thought and you get stuck, unable to pull yourself out. It happens, it happens to me and to many others. Its part of an OCD trait that most people have, and it can be resolved.

 

First you need to understand that this has nothing to do with your mother, what she could have given you if she was there. She is not there, and trying to place blame on the fact that she is not will never get you over this issue. The first thing you should do is just accept it for what it is: a problem with you.

 

Once you have done that, you need to then establish what feelings are causing you discomfort, and what feelings you get locked into. You should write them down in a list and make sure you are familiar with what you are writing.

 

Once you have your list, you will know what you are fighting against. This is the hard part. Now it is stime to start refocusing your mind, and getting your thoughts where you want them. Every time you find yourself starting to dwell on one of the things that locks you in, you have to forcefully redirect those thoughts onto something more constructive. If you need to clean, or write, or go work out make sure you do it... But remember the most important thing is that you get your mind off of whatever it is your obsessing about.

 

Your mind is a very powerful tool, and it can be retrained and reconfigured. It is a fact that you can learn to refocus your thoughts. It is a fact that you can learn to weed out the negative imbalance of thoughts that course through your mind. You just have to try, try, and keep trying. Eventually it will happen, and all this negative stuff will be a thing of your past.

 

After a while of doing this you will start to re evaluate these negative thoughts. You will start to place much less value on them, and you will see how they no longer intrude your mind with such impacting negative feelings. These thoughts you have now that seem so devastating that hurt you so badly will eventually have very little effect if any at all once you have learned how to refocus your mind.

 

I hope some of this helps you... I have been in similar situations as you, and I know how horrible and destructive your own thoughts can become.

[LovieDove24]

Hey tainted soul,

 

Let me start off by saying you do indeed sound very level headed. I always say that being self aware is the first step in overcoming life's obstacles. And you definitely seem to know what your issues are and some of the timing of the triggers.

 

With that being said I want you to know I can relate. I have the same tendency to get jealous and demand things of my partner that are unnecessary. Quite honestly, they don't deserve it, its MY issue. What I have found to be helpful when I am in a funk, or having a ****ty week is DONT rely on my partner to bring me out of it. I'll ask for a few days space and find activities to brighten my mood and reinforce the idea that it TRULY IS MY ISSUE, not his. I think giving ourselves personal time to "fix" our own problems is the best lesson you can learn in this life. In the end all we have is ourselves anyways.

 

Keep this in mind...hope it helps!

[taintedsoul]

Thanks for the advice. It's very warming to me knowing that I'm not alone in these quite ridiculous, and out of character outbursts of 'paranoia'.

 

They definitely hinder life in general, but only when someone is so close to you does it prove damaging to more than just yourself. I suppose I've been used to 'thinking' as I do for so long I've just got on with it in my own way. Choosing to just think 'I'm inferior' rather than actually dealing with it.

 

I'm confident I am in a far better mindset now I've shared this with like minded people. I mean god, I've got a good business that I run myself, have lots of friends from all walks of life that truly love me for who I am. Doubting that I'm 'right' or 'normal' is ridiculous, nobody's normal in that respect.

 

Individuals we are, and I am as special as every other person.

 

I have compiled a list of sentences that I think really relate to times when my mind can get the better of itself and say/do silly things:

 

Wondering whether she's cheating on you - You KNOW her, she would not!

 

Facebook - WHO care's what people have been doing, or who she's been talking to - you're the one she touches, cuddles up to and cares for you. Whenever she can, she does, nobody else is in mind!

 

Thinking she wants someone better looking/more successful/richer than you - She loves you, not your money - what you do, how you are - YOU.

 

Differences of opinion - You can't agree with everything, everyone is different, not worth falling out about. Opinions are subjective, don't fret about it!

 

Being needy - Even if she wanted to you cannot be the centre of attention 24/7. It's life, enjoy the time you do have together rather than worrying about the time you're apart!

 

 

So I'll see how I get on!

 

Thanks again.

[taintedsoul]

Has been a tough week, in my own personal emotion/jealousy journey, and with my partner.

 

Everything's alright with my partner but obviously she needs reassuring that I will sort this out. I confidently feel I can and have gotten a lot just from sharing my scenario here.

 

She said to me that she thinks it's just 'how I am' and doesn't know how things will turn out. That's life I guess. I said to her I can't promise but that I feel confident more than ever in dealing with this. But I suppose she's heard it before and deep down is fearful these outbursts will continue. She has said if there is any little thing I get 'stuck with' in my mind. To tell her rather than just blurt it in a way that undermines everything we do have that is positive. So she is as understanding as I could ask for, and I shall definitely do my utmost on this.

 

She has done it to me before, i.e. when I meet up with girl mates, that she is welcome to see but has had other plans. Just makes point of saying 'so how do you know them, etc'. She's most worried about the single girl pal I am friends with. I reassure her, not in the slightest bit getting annoyed as I do love her and care enough to understand that jealousy just does come into play now and again. The key is to just not let it control you.

 

Here's to battling with self-doubt and jealousy!