i love this girl but she doesn't want a relationship

[joh2141]

OK, first off I'm new here so I might not know how things work around here but here I go.

 

Recently, I've been hanging out with this girl that is a friend of my friend. I guess you can say we became close friends, or because she likes me.

In the matter of couple of weeks compared to her two closest friends, which are guys but they are also friends of mine, I became very close to her and she would invite me over. Unlike her two best friends whom she knew for a long time, she lets me stay until she has to go to sleep and I have slept with her (not sex.) Normally, I wouldn't really care about things like this but this is the first time I had felt that I WANT to offer a relationship. You know, for the first time I want to make a commitment to a girl, and it's the one that I really really like. However, she doesn't want a relationship due to certain things. One, one of her best friends that was described above is an EX of hers and she feels that no guys would ever feel good about that.

 

For me, if that was the case, I wouldn't care because I'm friends with him too and he's a good guy. However, there's a lot more to it than that that I don't know about yet. Every one of her friends tell me that she likes me (or that we would be the cutest couple ever) and she told her friend that we would be "the cutest thing since sliced bread."

 

Now, if it was just a crush I wouldn't care... but I really think I've fallen for this girl. Just every little thing about her, her flaws even, I find attractive. When we study together, I can't help but look at her because she's too cute when she studies. Her personality is very warm and friendly yet spontaneously abrupt and fun to be with. She laughs at these jokes or comments that aren't even funny. But just being with her makes me feel so damn happy that I would give the world for her. Even moments where it wouldn't be a big deal, like a hug or a kiss on the cheeks, it meant the world to me when it was with her. Today, I'm supposed to talk to her about it. Technically we did not yet confess to each other but I will do it today or tomorrow. Today I would like to but it's busted with snow out. But she told her friend that she was going to say no if I asked her out.

 

Anyone have any advice or anything you can let me know on? I would never hurt her (and I'm not only saying this to get her. I really never hurt anyone in my life) and I would support her with everything. I would protect her when needed and I would do anything in the world to make her feel even slightly bit better even if it would cause me pain.

[thrillaveza]

 

Anyone have any advice or anything you can let me know on? .

 

umm just be cool with her and take it slow, i am kinda in your situation because this is what we call unrequited love (of some sort) . i say, judging by what you wrote, there is a high chance that she might have feelings for you.

all you have to do is keep it cool and take it slow, and until you are ready, you can gradually show her how you feel. but remember it is not the end of the world if she does say no, but goodluck man!

[Spoonie]

I have been in this situation a number of times. i have to agree with the next man.....take your time and dont rush into. If you can bring up a conversation that would lead to her talking about it dont ask!!! Yeah other guys may not like it, but one of your friends is her ex.. talk to him to see how he feels about you dating her. REAL FRIENDS TALK. Knowing that she invites you and he doesnt must be a sign that he's not accepting this well....If he's cool about it make your move, just be cautious about it. All in all you should get good answers off of this....

 

Just another suggestion... If you really want to get into a relationship with her, dont let the lovy dovy blind you too much....spend some more time with her befor you give the title "relationship", if your real serious about her.... just a suggestion

[nazli]

I suggest dating someone else and making sure she knows. Women like to know that the men they are with are desirable. I think there is a 85% percent success rate with this one!!

 

There is nothing complicated about it.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Well, I've been the girl in this situation. And when I said "I don't want a relationship" to him, what I meant was "I don't want a relationship with you."

 

There are times when people don't feel ready to be in relationships, but I've never heard of anyone saying no to one if he/she truly liked the other person. I mean, people walk out on LTRs and marriages to start relationships with people because they really want that person. If someone wants to really be with you, it's usually not a mystery or this much dancing around.

 

The fact that you know she will say "no" if you ask her out means - don't do it. I'm guessing there is something holding her back - and I doubt very much it's fear that you would "hurt her," or whatever. It's probably because she's not totally over the ex OR, it could simply be that she just doesn't think that way about you.

 

From the timeframe described, you've probably already discussed your feelings with her. Let us know how it turns out; I truly hope I'm wrong.

[joh2141]

Well, due to certain circumstances on both my part and hers, we haven't even talked let alone seen each other for a while until recently. The ex, which is also hers and my friend, is trying to get us together. Whenever we hang out with a group, he tries to get us alone. Anyways, for now, I've decided to take it slow because her best friend which is also one of my best friends told me to take it slow and bide my time. She's confused. It's really frustrating when a girl is confused. =/

 

Thanks Crestfallen for the honesty and for that hope. I prefer blunt honesty than a cushioned white lie. I know for a fact that she isn't saying no just to me but to everyone in general because there was this other guy she knew and the same thing happened except he rushed in. I mean, sure what you're saying does make sense. If she really likes someone, then she wouldn't be concerned about not getting into a relationship. But I heard from many people that when girls are confused, they think in a very... wide range. They aren't crazy, just not logical. I'm not trying to be a sexist, as I heard this from a 26 year old girl friend of mine.

 

A part of me wants her to say no because it really hasn't been healthy for me because of this. And what's more, I'm going off to college soon and she still has a year left. Granted, I'm not going far away but still... And she IS one of those hard working students... whereas I'm just a delinquent =/ It feels like Aladdin. But honestly, people like her don't like people like me. Same goes for her best friend, but we became friends because I was just there for her (both of them) when they were stressed out.

 

At the moment, I THINK we are going to prom together but that's just it. It sounds stupid, I know, but I don't really remember what happened. Apparently I asked her to prom and she said she would come.

 

God, I'm a mess... I missed the days where I didn't like any girls and just partied around...

 

But Crestfallen, if I know she would say no and I don't do anything, should I try to move on? Is that what you are saying? Or just stay static in the friendship for now? Or whatever it is. My friends and her friends told me to take my sweet time that I don't have. So what now from here?

 

Thanks to everyone who replied by the way.

[carman15]

It's really frustrating when a girl is confused. =/

 

well duh....

[4givrnt4gtr]

AHHHH!! ive been here! only in the girls position!

 

 

Well good news for you, not all may be lost....

 

Let me tell you how it went for me...may enlighten you a bit of whats going on in her head....

 

So i broke up with this total douche i had been dating for like a year and a half. Right before the break up I started hanging out with a crowd I used to live with before that relationship. In that crowd was this guy, who i always thought was cute, but was in a relationship for as long as I knew him. No biggie, never thought much of it.

 

anyhow I broke up with the douche and i felt SO HAPPY being single. I was excited to be out of the up and downs that relationships bring (at that point i didnt realize only bad relationships have those crazy constant up and downs). At the same time i learned the cute guy had been single for a few months. Again didnt think much of it.

Well, a week after my break up the cute guy asked me out. As much as I thought he was cute, I was way too happy being single and didnt want to complicated my life. Plus, i was newly single, thus i said no but would love to be friends and hang out.

Well cute guy took that and ran with it. WE talked a few times on the phone, in my mind as friends. I swore to my friends and family that I would not date this guy. Besides having just broken up with my ex, he also was friends with another ex of mine and it would be just way too messy.

Anyhow, we kept talking and I felt i was leading him on, since i was so determined to not go out with him, so i sent him a text telling him i hope i wasnt misleading him and just wanted to be friends.

He wasnt too happy about that...but never became angry or anything, he just followed my lead. One night he called me to ask me if i wanted to have dinner with him. I thought, cool, no pressure, just friends.

So i did....and good lord Im glad.

 

I realized how awesome he was, how funny and how much he truly like me. Not just "wanted" me, but like me, as a person, he actually thought i was cool and funny.

 

After that night i began to reassess my decision...by the next week I decided he was worth the shot. WE've been dating since then, and trust me I dont regret that decision. He is truly amazing and Im glad I gave myself the time to be sure that he was.

 

 

Now the reason why i highlited parts of the story is because i feel those were the reasons I changed my mind about him. He never pressured me, but he also didnt completely backed off. It was like he told me he liked me and he wasnt going to changed his mind about that no matter what I said. He wasnt pushy to the point of being annoying, he was just there, ready to make his move when I was ready to let him. I knew exactly what he wanted without any games or guessing stuff.

 

Also, the fact that he showed me he likes me as a person, (the way you seem to like your girl) made me feel safe. I wasnt a rebound or a fling. He truly liked me and thats priceless for any girl.

 

Anyhow, my point is...talk to her...tell her you like her and see what she says...if she says she likes u but....dont get totally discouraged. Just take it slow, take her lead but dont allow yourself to be placed in the friendzone entirely. As in, as soon as she starts talking about someone else, let her know you dont really wish to hear this as you still have feelings for her.

 

Im not saying what happened with me and my SO always happens...but i CAN happen...its up to you, how you show yourself to be, to win her over...

 

It can be done