How to do LS - living down the road from each other

[Toodle]

I figured I may as well start my own dedicated thread for my situation, given that it will most likely carry on for at least 6 months until the break clauses in both our leases can be activated.

 

So... Broke up about two weeks ago, girlfriend did the breaking up, usual "feelings not there", "don't fancy you anymore" etc. Initial asking for a chance to make things work was denied, so went as LS as I could given we were living together. Kept upbeat when we were both home, to the point where it was obviously making her confused. She moved out on Sunday. She sent me one text message on Monday morning to say that she's popped in to get rid of a piece of furniture she was selling, so we're now quits as it were (apart from photos etc I suppose, but we'll cross that bridge if needed). I replied in the evening sayiing thanks, mentioning I saw the furniture in the 2nd hand shop window, and that was that.

 

She now lives about 15 doors down from me.

 

Anyway, I went NC since, but of course she still has a set of keys and I was expecting her to contact me. She did that today, by sending me an email at work, which I'll paraphrase below. To be clear, my intentions are to see whether a reconciliation is possible, although I accept it is unlikely, and that her break may have been triggered by an interaction with someone else (I don't know this for sure so not thinking too much about it)

 

The email:

 

... how are you? not sure quite what else to say at this stage except it's all very strange. I hope you are ok.

I know I need to give you back your spare set of keys so let me know when is a good time? I could potentially pop round tomorrow night although I'm still waiting to hear from [...] as she might be coming over.

Otherwise is next week ok?

 

x

 

ps. how much was the desk marked up for in the furniture shop?!

 

After the initial sick feeling, my gut reaction is to sit on this email until tomorrow morning. I was going to say something along the lines of "Unfortunately I am busy tonight. Next Monday is good for me. If that's a problem, you can always stick them in the letter box in an envelope" Is that a bit cold, given that I want to remain on perceived good terms? I will pad it out with a response to her PS. Do I ask how she is? Tell her how I am? Tell her about anything I'm up to? I'm sure I'll bump into her at some point so maybe it isn't necessary... Bit lost right now as to what to do. I feel I need a few months to fix some underlying issues I have personally so I am not looking for a reconciliation right now anyway, just don't want to shut her out too much if that makes sense. Any tips from any experienced LS-ers?

[Toodle]

This is what I've got so far:

 

I'm doing well. I agree, it's definitely a big change.

I'm busy on Thursday but can do Monday, if that's convenient for you. What's your house number and postcode? The council were asking for it in regards the single person discount.

The desk was selling for £95 I think...

[2sunny]

don't give her any info or ask for any info.

 

just ask her to drop the key in the mail slot or you will have the locks changed.

 

give NO INFO!

[Toodle]

I see your point 2sunny, but I need the info from her... It's so I can claim a rebate on my property tax as its now single occupency.

[2sunny]

then state in simple terms what you need and tell her where to drop the key.

 

do not indicate seeing her, meeting her or wanting to know any further personal info.

 

this keeps you on a path of healing.

[Geishawhelk]

Toodle, the whole point of NoContact is to distance yourself emotionally and to make progress with your own healing.

Try to understand:

"No Contact" isn't implemented out of spite, malice, revenge or a desire to be nasty to the ex-. Some people may feel very hurt depserate, sad and distressed. They may be resentful, angry and in pain. Others seem to take things a little better....

 

Whatever.

 

No Contact is implemented for YOU GOOD to help YOU move along, heal, get over it and live life.

 

All these little nice friendly gestures., sweet talk, empty placatory simpering comments are designed to make HER feel nice. To make HER feel kind. To make her believe she is being truly wonderful to you, and generous to be so gentle with you.

 

It's Bullsheit. BULL - SHeIT.

 

She's making herself feel better out of guilt.

 

Here's the e-mail you send - Word for freckin' word:

 

"Please provide following info: (request info required).

Please put keys in envelope and deposit through mailbox.

Please avoid all, any and every contact with me until I feel sufficiently well and healed enough to be able to be in the same country as you, without it feeling like a knife through my heart.

Thank you."

 

I guarantee she will respond, or try to talk to you.

Even after you've just asked her not to.....

I REPEAT:

This will be for her benefit, not yours.

[2sunny]

i agree with geisha's advice except the emotional part at the end.

 

no reason for her to understand that she is affecting your emotional state in any way. leave that part out. it only gives her the idea that she has power over you if she decides to try to manipulate your emotional well being.

[Geishawhelk]

My point in putting that (and I'm not aiming to start a dispute, I'm just explaining) is that by continuing a chatty and 'even-keel' relationship with her, she actually has no idea of the enormity of her actions. She will carry on regardless acting like nothing's happened, under the illusion that he's quite happy, gotten over it, and that it's quite cool to pass the time of day with him, without a single thought as to how he might, actually, be feeling.

Now - if in fact Toodle does feel fine seeing her, talking to her and is over her and healing, then yes, maybe that part isn't right.

 

But if he's in pain, confused, hurt, distressed and misses her a whole lot more than he's letting on - then I think he has a right to make it clear to her - and really push the point home - that actually, no it's not OK to do all those things.

 

That was all.

[Toodle]

I ended up removing the bit about being well. Just it's a big change, can do monday.

 

Thing is, she first brought up doubts on new year's day (and had been acting withdrawn for 5 days prior) so i've already done the wailing to myself etc. Last week I started formulating my plans for the next month, and I'm putting them into action so while i do still think about her pretty much all the time, i guess i don;t have that crushing feeling anymore. I've rejoined the gym, play soccer on wednesdays, hooked up with some old friends and made plans, you know the drill. So yes, i did get that sinking feeling when i saw her name but not because i wanted her back right now or wasn't in a good place as such, more because it's still fresh and was a reminder. I don't hate the girl - I was half expecting this anyway and she did warn me but I didn't react, so I'm not resentful.

[Toodle]

Her response just came in. I think I can see what's happening here (if I'm paranoid ) but opinions welcome as always!

 

"Can we maybe say Thursday next week? Do you want me to come to the flat or would you like to go for a drink?

My address is [...........].

 

[her brother] tells me you've been in touch with him?

x"

 

I get on really well with her bro and I councelled him a while back after his gf told him she didn't want him right now as she was travelling. He offered a phone call if I needed to talk, and I asked him to remind me his number yesterday. haven't called him yet as I am weary of what will be shared between them (even if i do talk ot him I'm going ot ask him what he thinks and let him do the talking, not say anything myself)

[Toodle]

Urgh. Closely followed by a message on facebook from her mum:

 

"Dear ...,

... and I are very sorry to hear about the way things have turned out

between you and .... We think you're a great guy and we will miss

you.

We hope you and .... can remain friends.

Good luck in the future

 

best wishes

.... and ...."

 

I guess I keep things very sweet, can anyone suggest anything? Thanks for having me over, you're lovely parents etc?

[Toodle]

ps: reckon the last bit is some form of emotional blackmail? I wouldn't expect it from her parents, but all's fair...

[Geishawhelk]

"Can we maybe say Thursday next week? Do you want me to come to the flat or would you like to go for a drink?

My address is [...........].[her brother] tells me you've been in touch with him?

x"

 

"No, please don't come to the flat. And no, I don't want to go for a drink either. let's just leave things as they stand.

Yes, I talked to your brother. Nothing interesting.

I think it best we keep contact to the minimum possible. Just for essential matters, nothing else."

 

 

You really do have to act a lot more cold and detached than you feel. It's really a way of protecting yourself. I realise it may seem out of character, but truly, it's the only way currently to try to drive the message home.

 

 

Urgh. Closely followed by a message on facebook from her mum:

 

"Dear ...,

... and I are very sorry to hear about the way things have turned out

between you and .... We think you're a great guy and we will miss

you.

We hope you and .... can remain friends.

Good luck in the future

 

best wishes

.... and ...."

 

Do not reply to this at all. Next time you see her, just ask her to thank her parents for their note. Formally, no emotion.

Really, you have to 'cold it hard'.

[2sunny]

no contact after telling her to just drop the key in your mail slot.

 

no need to see her (this will set your emotions into a tailspin). no need to talk now that you have the necessary info you requested. and definitely no need to go for drinks!

 

wtf is she thinking trying to go for drinks??? just to stomp on your heart more? geeez, tell her to go take a flying leap!

 

NO CONTACT! send the LAST email and tell her to drop it in the mail slot ANYTIME. no need for you to be there and no need for her to ring the bell even if you are home... you are busy getting on with living life...

 

even if she rings the bell - don't answer!

[itsallmyfault]

sorry for bein such a newb, but i gotta know, what is "LS" i'm not up on the slang around here, is there a thread for it someone could direct me to?

 

sorry to butt into your thread.

[Geishawhelk]

LoveShack.....?

[Toodle]

sorry for bein such a newb, but i gotta know, what is "LS" i'm not up on the slang around here, is there a thread for it someone could direct me to?

 

sorry to butt into your thread.

 

I mistyped - it should have been LC, limited contact.

[Toodle]

I can see where you guys are coming from, but I'm fine with seeing her. I am not the person she broke up with at the moment. I do feel I can sit through a couple of drinks (and then end them) without becoming an emotional mess... As for the parents message, one of our problems was that I didn't communicate enough with her parents. Wouldn't this be a good opportunity to show otherwise? If I just thank her, I'm essentially continuing not to communicate with her parents..?

[Geishawhelk]

Toodle, in this case, I just think you have to judge each situation as it arises.

If you think something is going to make you uncomfortable, act on it. If you're cool with it, act on it.

 

Only you can assess the damage, and implement limitations.... I'm not trying to be critical but it sounds as if you're either blowing "hot 'n' cold" - or - to be honest - you weren't as deeply and passionately in love with her as perhaps you thought.

You're taking things extremely calmly, which is unusual on this forum.

 

D'you see what I mean?

[Toodle]

Yes I do. I guess there could be several reasons - one is that I was very quick to implement a plan which covered my own arse (start working on myself very quickly), that the person she fell out of love with is not who I am 95% of the time (just for a period of a few months which led to the breakup) so I think it's salvageable, and that I've already been through something similar once during which I reacted in the LS typical way. I did eventually lose my rag with that particular girl and told her to leave me alone, at which point she came back.

 

Having said that, maybe I'm in such deep denial that the therapist I'm going to see next week will have me committed

[Toodle]

Gah, can't edit my post. I responded today to her email from yesterday, very short - Let's meet on Thursday, we can go to the xxx for a drink.

 

And thanked her for the address.

 

She replied 10mns later (I find the longer I leave respionding the quicker her replies get) with just great, sounds like a plan x

 

I spoke to my parents about how to respond to her parents and they advised I keep things reasonably formal and polite, and ignore the reference to staying friends. So I thanked them for being welcoming and for their kind message, and wished them the best.

 

My plan now is to disappear again until wednesday when I'm guessing she'll be in touch to confirm Thursday. I'll be in the gym tonight, tomorrow and sunday, still reading my books, soccer on wednesday and I'll go out with friends on tuesday so aiming to really clear my head, boost my self-confidence and stand on my own two feet for Thursday.

[Geishawhelk]

Maybe not in denial.

Maybe you've erected such barriers around your heart, it's hard to get to you, or for you to to be approachable.... I dunno.... I'm not insulting you, but maybe you've just gone a bit icy as a self-protective measure, but now you don't know how to warm up again.

Wild guesses, based on words on a page..... *sigh*.....

 

(this is in response to your previous post!!)

[Toodle]

All fair comments and I think you might be touching on something there. That's why I decided to go see a therapist - I can be emotionally unavailable at times!

[Geishawhelk]

Well that's natural. it stops you getting too hurt.

 

When people give of their all, and a break happens, they become so hurt, so damaged, so broken, that the plummet to the depths of despair and can honestly never see themselves loving or being loved ever again.

They're heartwrenching to watch.

 

On the other hand, right at the other end of the spectrum, you have Mr/Ms 'cool calm and collected', who can dust themselves off, pick themselves up and start all over again... (there should be a song about that! )!

 

You're coming across a bit like that, and I suspect it's because you've either been in situation 'a', or have no wish to ever go there.

You ('You' generic, not 'you' specific) need to find a happy medium.

You need to be able to throw yourself wholeheartedly into a relationship, with gusto, enthusiasm and affection, but always be aware that bumps and tumbles happen. It's called 'Life' and a healthy attitude to how things come and go, can change our whole outlook.....

 

Good job on going to see someone.

 

I wish you well with that.

[Toodle]

I've been in a. Went through the mill with the girl I mentioned before, during which she claimed she'd been raped, then pulled away from me and became unavailable. I didn't know what to do as I didn't want to put pressure. Then I get a text from a friend of hers a month later saying the guy who allegedly raped her is in her flat. So I go over, he's there, they are half-undressed, I freak. But she didn't let me go. Kept me hanging, made me feel guilty for suggesting anything was going on, he did rape her don;t I know (I guess she just invited him in for a repeat...?!) God only knows what was going on. That went on for 4 months of going back, backing off, sleeping with her then finding out she was sleeping with him. I had moved cities to be with her, so I didn't have a support network at the time (and wasnt aware of this sort of site). So yeah, I think you've interpreted the words on the screen very astutely!