How to do LS - living down the road from each other

[Toodle]

I started typing out an email to her, got as far as "hi xxxxx, how are you?" and didn't know what else to put. I've deleted it. I guess I'm just panicking that i've misread things completely and that i'm destroying everything that was left. If her motives are in fact genuine, and that she did feel liek the last part of the relationship was all about me,me,me, then am I not carrying this behaviour on? She probably thinks I'm a jerk - maybe what she meant by "seeing you has set me back" wasn't so positive after all, maybe she just meant I'd been horrible and she was actually moving towards a reconciliation, and I blew it by not being cool when she tried talking about the situation

 

ETA: Argh. I added an apology for some of the things i said last week, that i was raw and stopping smoking didn't help. Then I deleted it again.

[Geishawhelk]

DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH HER!!

 

THis is absolutely crucial, Toodle, really!!

 

It's so important to keep this distant!

 

I know the pull is almost unbearable, but really, you'll come over as a creepy jerk if you send her mixed messages!

 

I know it's fighting every fibre....

 

But don't on any account contact her!

[Toodle]

Creepy jerk? That's put it in perspective, thanks Geishawhelk! I guess jerk is more than enough, don't need to be creepy too.

 

I just need to be told that I haven't ruined anything further by my words on Thursday (if it's true). Just beating myself up a bit more for good measure

 

And breathe...

[Toodle]

Well I got my answer

 

Got a text message this morning, starting off with an affectionate first initial which I'm taking as the first signs of desperation at my silence:

 

"Hi Z. How are you? Have you had a good wk? I emailed your mum earlier this wk but haven't had a response. Was that the right thing to do? Anyway, hope you have a good day. X"

 

I've left a message with my mum letting her know - I think she won't have told me simply in case it upset me. One positive is that I am not reeling from the contact, and I'm secretely pleased that I haven't burnt my bridges.

[Geishawhelk]

Breathing is good.

Especially if the out breath is followed by an in one.....

 

never initiate.

Always be polite and only respond if it's a practical necessity. (like "have you seen the cat? Last time I saw her she was with Tom...." )

 

Any kind of little chit-chat on her part, and aimless banter, you should ignore as much as you can.

 

It will, ultimately be good for you both.

[Toodle]

Thanks Geishawhelk. I can definitely feel myself letting go slowly. Gonna sit on that text until I hear from my mum. No rush in replying. Interesting that she didn't email me at work, but I guess after I started replying a day later she figured she'd try texting

 

Breathe in, breathe out...!

[Toodle]

I spent 6 months pushing her away, not being sexually responsive, arguying with her, all because I allowed my depression to get the better of me I told her this during the week over which she was deciding whether to end it and she just didn't have the energy to deal with it and had obviously got to the point where she felt better without him and lonely than with him and miserable. She just didn't trust I could change. I'm resigning myself to the fact that I blew it - i did fancy her, I did love her and I didn't want to push her away. I feel so stupid. Beyond NC, I don;t know how to make it up. Therapy is helping but while she might see change at the top level in our interaction, why should she ever trust that it would work again. As far as she is concerned, I probably just don't like her enough, and I don't know how to show her that's not the case

[Toodle]

Got a text on Vday, saying she'd just found my smart suit in a cover bag in which her own smart dress was, and asking when would be good to drop it off at mine, and that she can get it dry cleaned as she was getting her dress done too anyway. I told her I'd pick it up at hers and no, i'd take care of the dry cleaning of the suit - had to break NC as I do need the suit and didn't realise she had it.

 

On sunday she text again saying no it's fine I'll drop it off, let me know when you're in Monday night. After talking to my father who is a very much no bullsh*t guy, I text back saying no, I will pick it up at your door as I will be passing by on my way back from the gym. I haven't politely stood up to her like that since the first year and a half of our relationship. Unsurprisingly, I got a very short text back shortly afterwards saying ok, she understood, see you then with no punctuation. Kind of like those throwaway texts you get when someone is trying to display lack of caring but is actually a bit annoyed. My father said good - I feel good for standing up to her, and she reacted. She doesn't get to be my carer by dropping the suit off, and i'd rather she is annoyed at me than neutral.

 

For myself so I see it on the screen in front of me: I prefer to pick the suit up at hers for several reasons. One is that I am in control of how long the interaction lasts for, and can leave when I want to. Second is that if she comes over to mine, I am in the difficult situation of either not inviting her in for a coffee "as friends would" and being branded a rude person, or inviting her in and risking rejection, either there and then or when she decides to leave. I wanted to go to hers. I told her this twice, she relented. I can say what I want and get it, I just need to be persistent, polite and consistent.

[Geishawhelk]

My friend, you are getting it.

 

Good for you.

I agree with you about the tone of her text, and I also agree with your dad.

 

You've done the best thing you could possibly have done, and for the very best reasons.

 

*Pat on the back*.

 

Have a beer!

[Toodle]

Phew. It was quite scared but the irony is that I wouldn't have thought twice about sending that type of text at the beginning of our relationship. Should be interesting tonight - Hopefully the endorphins will be pumping after the gym so I can maintain a chirpy and positive behaviour. I have my "I can't come in" excuse all set - that I'm smelly and sweaty and need to go home for a shower, which is neither dismissive nor impolite. I'm half expecting her to be really cold towards me but I guess we'll see.

[Mary1977]

I'm resigning myself to the fact that I blew it - i did fancy her, I did love her and I didn't want to push her away. I feel so stupid. Beyond NC, I don;t know how to make it up. Therapy is helping but while she might see change at the top level in our interaction, why should she ever trust that it would work again. As far as she is concerned, I probably just don't like her enough, and I don't know how to show her that's not the case

I don't get it, are you saying here that you unintentionally pushed her away due to your depression, that deep down you do want her and you do want a relationship with her? I am sure your therapist has told you that depression isn't something that can be 'cured' it is a chronic disease that will stay with you for life - but you can learn to manage it so that it doesn't control your life.

There is no reason why she should ever trust that it would work again. There is no reason unless you give her one. If you really want to try again with her then you need to start being honest with her regarding your emotions and how depression can cloud your emotions for her. If you can't say it to her face write it down. Never underestimate the power of a well written letter.....no contact can only be of benefit if it is coming from a place of honesty. Fine if you don't want her back, then no contact is very beneficial for you (and her) but if you do, before you initiate the no contact you need to make yourself vulnerable and say what is on your mind and in your heart.

I don't go with all the negativity. No matter what someone has done there is no need to go with the negative emotions......

[Toodle]

Thanks Mary1977 I'm working on the basis that since we live close by, we will have chances to interact and I can drop references in our conversations. In fact, that happened this morning - we happened to be at the train station at the same time. I did see her a bit further up the platform but thought I'd leave it so stopped walking and read the paper. She came u[p to me a couple of minutes later quite shyly/apprehensively and said hi. We then chatted throughout the journey. I played it cool, politely interested but not overbearing, and mentioned a couple of topics that I discussed with my therapist recently that I know where issues in our relationship, making sure there was no suggestion that it was due to anything personal between her and me. Nothing heavy and I didn't bang on about it, I just dropped them into convo and moved on to other topics.

 

Our awards ceremony is tonight - she said I'll see you there, I said yeah maybe see you there and carried on to my office.

 

In regards Monday when I picked up the suit, I rang her doorbell after the gym (which really help as it worked out any worry i had and I was feeling good about myself) having told her I'd pick the suit up from her door. She of course didn't have it with her and invited me up for a cup of tea to pick it up. I said thanks and went up. We then had a 30mn catchup during which I made sure I stayed on generic topics like friends and family, was confident, teased her a little and played it cool. Her body language in both encounters was good I thought. She was very curious about things I was up to, so I answered but without giving too much away.

 

I did notice a few tests - she mentioned a female friend of hers had come to visit on valentine's day, and that this friend was like a dog on heat when they went out. She said it as if she was a bit shocked by it - I just said oh right and moved on. She also mentioned some guy asking her for her email address to buy a laptop off her - again I didn't react and moved on. I made sure I didn't enter some "emotional tampon" situation and then made my excuses and left. She initiated a tight hug as I was leaving.

 

The vibes I'm getting feel positive in small doses - she's initiating contact, physicality, I've tested a bit by not always carrying the conversation and she's made the effort to find a topic to talk about. During the moment I feel I can be cool, detached, smiley and not mention us at all. It does shake me a bit afterwards though because I start analysing but after an hour or so I stop caring.

 

I'm just not sure what my next move should be if any. It's been about a month or so since she moved out. Should I be initiating anything at all? If she asks me to dance tonight do I agree if I feel up to it? Do I brush her off tonight if she comes over? Keep it brief or make the effort and essentially treat her like a girl I would fancy and flirt? Or should I keep playing it very cool and see whether she shows her hand first?

 

Forgot to say - she mentioned this morning that she was having friends (all female) round on friday night. In fact, thinking about it (and again this is a gut feeling) she seems to be brining up her weekend p hlans without me prompting, and almost making a point. Is she trying to tell me something? Probably not and it's just chitchat...

[Toodle]

Gah - my head's spinning. I'm back to over-analyising, thinking of what I'll talk to her about if/when I see her, etc... Will I be cool enough? Or too cool? Am I in fact pushing her away too much to leave the door open to reconciliation?

[Geishawhelk]

Stop.

Stop, stop, stop.

 

Calm down.

What's the purpose of this function?

 

It's an awards ceremony, right?

 

Are you receiving anything?

 

Is she?

 

Focus on why you're going, not the fact that she'll be there.

So what?

 

Don't do the dance routine.

I'd find it highly irregular if she came and asked you to dance.

Just make sure you're well away from the dance floor when the awards are over, and the festivities begin.

Or maybe, when you're sure she's not watching, quietly leave.

That's what I'd do.

 

And if you did that, and she brought it up with you another time ("Hey, where did you disappear to last night?") then she's even more tactless that I'm giving her credit for already.....

 

Don't fuss over this, Toodle.

Give your poor fried brain a rest, hun.....

[Toodle]

Haha yes I'm going a bit doolally. What do you mean by tactless, based on the last few days' worth of interaction? Help me read between the lines please

 

PS: I'm guessing she's been so keen to know whether I will be at the awards (that she keeps saying she's not all that looking forward to) is that she might try to tag a way back home with me as we basically live in the same area. My gentlemanly side says if I'm ready to go then agree if she asks. My meany part says disappear like you said and let her sort her self out.

 

PPS: OK. It's just an awards ceremony. I'm going there with my workmates, a few closer ones who are very supportive, know the situation and I know will keep me occupied and check up on me. I will be fine, have a couple of drinks, enjoy socialising, and that's it. She pops up, she pops up. I take it from there.

[Geishawhelk]

What do you mean by tactless, based on the last few days' worth of interaction? Help me read between the lines please

I mean that if she knows from what you've already indicated, that you're trying to keep social contact to a minimum because of your break-up, then for her to now suggest dancing (which when you think about it, is pretty intimate and considered by some cultures to be a mating ritual!) then she's dense, or tactless. definitely one. Possibly both.

 

Oh, and BTW... I think you should have waited on her doorstep for her to bring the suit to you.

Never, ever play into her inter-action hands.

 

There's something you're not getting, here.

 

She is counting on your courtesy and politeness to not be curt, abrupt and short with her, so she keeps nudging ever and ever closer to yanking your chain.

Do you not see this?

By her not having your suit, and inviting you in - she, again, has started calling the shots.

She tried twice to get you to fetch the suit and make it a social occasion. Twice, you told her, no thanks, I just want to pick it up - and in the end, you gave way to her.

You really have to start exposing your 'mean side' a bit.

She's beginning to get the better of you.

 

PS: I'm guessing she's been so keen to know whether I will be at the awards (that she keeps saying she's not all that looking forward to) is that she might try to tag a way back home with me as we basically live in the same area. My gentlemanly side says if I'm ready to go then agree if she asks. My meany part says disappear like you said and let her sort her self out.

 

Let your 'meany' part win.

You are not at her beck and call.

Are you giving her a lift there?

then she can get a lift back.

Can't she?

 

YOU'VE BROKEN UP, REMEMBER - ?!

[Toodle]

Ah yes I get it. The thought was there in the back of my mind, but I guess I was so keen for her to see the "new" me that I sacrificed a bit of control to expose it to her. And her body language reassured me I suppose.

 

But I guess now she's seen the new me, I can back off and be unavailable.

 

I'm not giving her a lift there, and I'll be taking the train back - I guess it's a safety thing. But you're right, a friend or a boyfriend would be there for her, and I'm making damn sure I'm not the former so I don't qualify. If she asks I'll say sorry I'm planning on staying a bit longer, don't know when I'll leave. If she doesn't take the hint I'll say I'm planning on going somewhere else afterwards. I can always leave after she has. Or before, you're right. I guess I don't want to give the impression I'm boring by leaving early, or leaving cos she's there, out of pride.

 

However, all this being well, I do wonder how being nasty to her helps me? Given that I was being nasty to her near the end of our relationship which probably had a part in ending it (or did it?) how do I gain from carrying on?

[Geishawhelk]

OK, let me go over this again:

 

originally, way back when this thread began, in my post #6, I outlined the following:

 

Toodle, the whole point of NoContact is to distance yourself emotionally and to make progress with your own healing.

Try to understand:

"No Contact" isn't implemented out of spite, malice, revenge or a desire to be nasty to the ex-. Some people may feel very hurt desperate, sad and distressed. They may be resentful, angry and in pain. Others seem to take things a little better.........No Contact is implemented for YOUR GOOD to help YOU move along, heal, get over it and live life.

 

Remember?

 

Revise, remember, and go for it.

[Toodle]

Thanks for the reminder. You deserve a medal for being so patient. NC is for me. It IS working too - I can go days without seeing/hearing from her without being bothered, and I'm getting my stuff sorted. Keep calm and carry on, Toodle.

[Toodle]

My therapist suggested I was more comfortable when driving a situation and "making things happen", which is probably why I feel like doing something proactive. Plus this niggling worry about being so distant that she gives up I suppose.

 

Nothing to report on last night - I went to the awards with a male friend, made sure we arrived just as the first round of drinks were finishing and people were filing into the auditorium for the awards. I think I spotted her on the other side of the auditorium, no idea whether she saw me. I certainly would have been on her mind though as I was nominated for an awards and my name read out - didn't win but it was a big confidence boost

 

Then there were more drinks, and the building was split into about 4 rooms and a dancefloor. I did bump into a few people who know her and was friendly with them for a couple of minutes. Didn't see her, although it would have been hard to find a specific person - there were about 700 of us. So if I didn;t see her whilst keeping an eye open, she probably wouldn't have found me unless she was proactively looking.

 

Left at 11 having chatted to a few girls and getting more confidence boosts

 

Summary of my feelings - bit conflicted, as I must admit I was hoping for a little bit of interaction with her, but relived at the same time as it would have thrown my head in a spin for the evening. I did have a really good time and feel one step closer to being fully myself again. I am a touch hurt by the fact that I haven't heard anything from her in regards to congratulating me for my nomination, but she owes me nothing and I don't need validation from anyone but myself. She might be banking the excuse to get in touch over the weekend anyway.

[Geishawhelk]

See... You definitely have a bag of mixed feelings there, don't you?

 

I think you really need some time alone to get your head together, because all the while that there's a possibility of seeing her, you'd like to see her but you'd rather not see her, because it puts your head in a spin, so you don't want to see her....

 

This is why No Contact is so important if you can engineer it.

It's to help you get back on track and sort your brainbox out......

 

Try and find something to do to get you out and about this weekend.

And whatever you do, actively work towards avoiding her.

 

It's time to make yourself feel entirely good, entirely for you.

[Toodle]

Yeah, I'm definitely not quite there in my head yet. When she's not around I've got my confidence back, and I can just about keep it together if she's there in small doses, but I still care that little bit too much about how she percieves me/behaves. I need to not care at all. I do feel like I'm progressing well though.

 

I'm still not initiating any contact at all and will continue to do so. I am out tonight so will not risk bumping into her. I've been reconnecting with friends and have next weekend all booked up, but this one is a bit empty - got the gym planned for tomorrow morning early to get a good start, and then will try and hook up with my sister. Sunday I'm at my parents for lunch all afternoon and then it's the sunday papers with a film and pizza evening as a treat. So should be ok.

[Toodle]

Just posting this to get it out of my head and stop speculating about it. She asked me on Monday when / how often I went to our local gym. I said generally mondays or tuesdays. At the time I thought "hey she's interested". Now I'm wondering whether it was so she could avoid me. Either way I didn't ask why she asked, and I don't know why she did, so it doesn't matter, is totally irrelevent to how I conduct my life and routine, and I will no longer think about it once I submit this post.

[Toodle]

Ah well, knew it couldn't last. Totaly messed up in a panic

 

Was feeling increasingly hurt by the fact that she hadn't been in touch to congratulate me (i know, i know) and convinced myself it was due to my dismissiveness over whether i would see her at the ceremony or not.

 

Was on facebook and noticed one of her closest friends had defriended me, I'm guessing either due to me not wishing her happy birthday (we weren't that close) or because she's with my ex this weekend and things have been said and she removed me out of spite.

 

So of course panicked, broke NC to text my ex "hi, didn't se you at ceremony, so many people! Hope you had a good time" and messaged her friend on facebook to wish her a belated happy birthday.

 

Gah!! bak to NC for me - gotta not take things personally...

[tkgirl]

I mistyped - it should have been LC, limited contact.

 

I didn't get what LS could stand for either... except for "LoveShack" but that made your thread make no sense at all!

 

I'm only half way reading through your thread but yes, it sounds like you should be doing the NC thing.... NO contact! it's for you... and learning to be happy again without her... screw her feelings!