How do I meet new people?

[a_f_w]

To set the scene: my girlfriend of 2++ years left me on New Year's day for another man. There's no point me going on about how I feel, but it is not good, to say the least. Also relevant to this particular post are:

 

> She was my first girlfriend, in fact the first girl with whom I did anything with or got even slightly attached to.

 

> We met at university, which is a very, very easy place to meet people because you're all forced together for a lot of time, live in the same town, and have the same things going on in your life. Specifically, I happened to sit next to her in a lecture one day, and she introduced herself to me.

 

> My only other friends "in real life" were made at school, and those friendships took three or four years to really form. We haven't seen each other since we left school quite a few years ago (well very occasionally) and they live in different cities to me now anyway. There were basically three or four people who I'm thinking of here (all male).

 

> I moved to this city a few months ago for the sole purpose of being with my girlfriend. I have very few material possessions with me, not much money, no job and live in an uninspiring rented shared house with six others. My housemates are alright, I talk briefly to two of them when we see each other, but we're not "friends" or anything.

 

So that boils down to two big points:

 

## My girlfriend was my best friend and my only friend (as well as all I wanted to spend my time on). I don't know anyone else within 200 miles of here.

 

## I have never been someone to make friends easily, or socialise very much. Remember how my girlfriend and I met by chance, as well, so I'm not one for approaching girls specifically.

 

 

 

I am extremely sad and in a bad way. I want to spend all my time with my girlfriend still but that can not happen, for various reasons. I am assured in my other thread, and I can understand that it might work, that spending time with other people could help quite a lot. I don't want another "girlfriend" just like that, but to be honest I do want to talk to girls and be in their company. I am so used to it and I came to enjoy it tremendously. Call me a fag, but girls are nice.

 

I have hobbies, well a few. Most are solitary pursuits but one at least involves other people. The same small group of people each time, though, and mostly old folks or young married couples. My girlfriend and I used to do that activity together, as well.

 

I was in the process of starting up a new business, and hoped to hit the ground running in the new year, but I've been completely paralysed thus far. This coming week I might be able to start working on it again, but I won't until I feel that I can. It will be a very lonely job and I won't see people very much while I'm doing it (if it even works out). It is the only thing that's keeping me in this city, or else I'd have GTFO and gone somewhere nicer. But I feel like I ought to stay and see how the business works out.

 

 

Basically, how do I meet new people? Pubs and clubs are repulsive and weird. Besides a lone man going to places like that is a bit funny.

I play the guitar and I have been looking for other musicians with whom I might be able to start a little band - that would be one good thing.

 

The internet is where I turn to for all my help and advice, and I talk to people on msn and stuff, but even that seems pointless now - my girlfriend was the main reason I use the internet any more and we'd talk on it all the time when we weren't together.

 

I have been on a couple of dating/personals sites, got a profile and all that. I've cast a bit of a wide net, and not had any interest after a couple of weeks, lol.

 

I'll leave it there, but does anyone have any ideas how I can meet new people? Girls, especially.

 

Thanks

[Mary3]

This is a BIG project. :

 

I hope its okay to break down your post a bit , if anything , to get you to not repeat this pattern so you won't find yourself in this predicament again.

 

You said you moved to be with her. I would never recommend this to ANYONE mainly because you want to move for career reasons or a new job opportunity, NOT because of a girl.

 

You said you had NO job. What possesed you in this economy to hop across for someone without a job ? ??I only say this because I would NEVER move for someone and definately not w/o a job. I figure you are about 20 yrs old... and hopefully this is a live and learn situation.

 

At least your roomates are civil people. It could be worse. They could be knock down drag out drunks who beat eachother every night...

 

Your girlfriend should NEVER be your only source of friendship. LOOK what happens when she was gone ? You want to look inside your self for your strengths. You want to have her as added frosting not the ENTIRE foundation of the CAKE.! With time you will learn the only person we rely on is YOU. Bf and gf's come and go....

 

I do know your devastation and loneliness. The secret for me is to take a lonnnnnnnnng time to get to know someone that way they dont steal my heart completely.

 

You do want some hobbies that you can do alone. Biking , Drawing , Photography , Road Trips , Painting....

 

Then of course hobbies with others. ..

 

I dig the part about the guitar. Alot of social possibilities there.

 

I've done the club scene and found mostly were older men trying to get in my pants by trying to give me a key to their hotel room. So clubs are not the way for me. Bars are mostly lonely places with nasty drunks but yes if you go there with friends its not so bad.

 

The BEST way is to join groups of things you LOVE to do ! Like some of the things mentioned above...Maybe you like to Ski or surf or Hike. There are clubs for ALL of those things and hundreds more

 

Post back .

[Adamagnet]

Besides a lone man going to places like that is a bit funny.

 

Why do you think it is funny?

 

While I agree that social comfort is greater when not alone, it also fosters social complacency. In other words, you're more likely to talk to a stranger when alone.

[a_f_w]

My replies in bold:

 

This is a BIG project. :

 

I hope its okay to break down your post a bit , if anything , to get you to not repeat this pattern so you won't find yourself in this predicament again.

 

You said you moved to be with her. I would never recommend this to ANYONE mainly because you want to move for career reasons or a new job opportunity, NOT because of a girl.

 

Yea, I guess it doesn't really make sense. Although, I had nowhere else to go to, in particular. We both left university last June, and for the summer we sort of hung around that town, went on holiday with each other a couple of times, etc. Then she went back to her parents' place (here), and I went to stay with mine for a few weeks. I didn't want to stay there long, and had no job there anyway, and so in deciding where I should move I had no reason to go anywhere except here, because of her. I had as much chance of getting a job here than anywhere else, I suppose.

I was really not going to come here, I had a lot of doubts about us (knowing that she didn't really care about me), but she begged me to come, so I did. I could tell straight away when I got here that it wasn't going to be that great (once I'd moved here she showed little interest), so I tried to call it off again and said we should stay separate, but again she wanted us to try more. I guess, until she found someone else to switch seamlessly over to.

 

 

You said you had NO job. What possesed you in this economy to hop across for someone without a job ? ??I only say this because I would NEVER move for someone and definately not w/o a job. I figure you are about 20 yrs old... and hopefully this is a live and learn situation.

 

Yea, I'm 22. As I mentioned above, I'm a recent graduate and had no job anywhere, and there was potential to get one here but it just didn't happen (I certainly tried).

 

At least your roomates are civil people. It could be worse. They could be knock down drag out drunks who beat eachother every night...

 

Yea they're alright. One in particular is a nice guy, he always asks after my ladyfriend and asks how we're doing. He's away on holiday right now but when he gets back I suppose I'll have to tell him the truth, or he'll be wondering why she doesn't come round any more. It might be good to talk to someone in real life about it all.

 

Your girlfriend should NEVER be your only source of friendship. LOOK what happens when she was gone ? You want to look inside your self for your strengths. You want to have her as added frosting not the ENTIRE foundation of the CAKE.! With time you will learn the only person we rely on is YOU. Bf and gf's come and go....

 

I agree, but I suppose I just don't make friends too easily. I did have another good friend at university, a girl, but she kind of killed herself, lol. I have s few male friends and since my girlfriend left me I've made an effort to go and see them (they live in other parts of the country). It's a lot of fun, and takes my mind off things.

 

I do know your devastation and loneliness. The secret for me is to take a lonnnnnnnnng time to get to know someone that way they dont steal my heart completely.

 

Do you mean you take a long time before allowing yourself to depend upon them?

 

You do want some hobbies that you can do alone. Biking , Drawing , Photography , Road Trips , Painting....

 

Yea, I have solitary interests... it's hard to be bothered with anything, though. I'd much rather do things with other people right now, anyway...

 

Then of course hobbies with others. ..

 

I dig the part about the guitar. Alot of social possibilities there.

 

I've done the club scene and found mostly were older men trying to get in my pants by trying to give me a key to their hotel room. So clubs are not the way for me. Bars are mostly lonely places with nasty drunks but yes if you go there with friends its not so bad.

 

The BEST way is to join groups of things you LOVE to do ! Like some of the things mentioned above...Maybe you like to Ski or surf or Hike. There are clubs for ALL of those things and hundreds more

 

If I was still at university I'd have so many opportunities to do all those things with other people. Out here in the real world, though, I have no idea where to meet people to do things with. I've been looking, but I don't really see anything.

 

Post back .

 

Thanks for the reply. I'm not proud of it but recenty I went to the university in this town and just hung around there, reading. I certainly look like a student still, and it was really fun to be around people in that kind of atmosphere. Yea, I'm a weirdo for doing it, but it didn't hurt anyone. I might go back.

[a_f_w]

Why do you think it is funny?

 

While I agree that social comfort is greater when not alone, it also fosters social complacency. In other words, you're more likely to talk to a stranger when alone.

 

Funny as in I'd probably seem a bit strange. That's a valid point, though. Friends are always a burden when trying to meet new people, I find.

[a_f_w]

If anyone is around then I'd really appreciate help still.

 

---

 

I went out to a couple of events recently. Last night was good, a long afternoon/evening thing with lots of different live music, comedy, and other stuff as well. A lot of good looking people there. A few girls there couldn't keep their eyes off me. Maybe I had something stuck to my face.

I didn't really speak to anyone - well actually one man struck up a conversation, lol. He apparently mistook me for someone else, though.

 

I enjoyed it, and would go to things like that again. I don't know if/when there will next be something good on, though.

[Mary3]

It sounds like you are a hottie if all the girls were checking you out I would go with social things such as you are doing now. You want to be around people and you should be

[doomed]

I assume you're looking for a girl friend, not just new friends ?

 

A few girls there couldn't keep their eyes off me. Maybe I had something stuck to my face.

 

Right on. Tell me, were these girls together or just a few different girls eating up the eye candy ? Remember. You are on the hunt. If they are together, you need to separate your prey out of the pack. You want to find out, as rapidly as possible, who is available.

 

Just walk up to them like you own the place and say "Hi. Aren't you ladies having a great time !!" See what happens. Be your best *self*, only with tons of confidence.

 

Say "My name is Tom Cruise." And then look to them for their own introductions. Compliment them somehow. I was once introduced to "Scoobie" --- LOL --- All I could say was "my favorite snack" but it made her laugh.

 

Find a way to say "Wow. Three beautiful ladies all alone. Where on Earth are your boyfriends ?" Maybe one or more are available. It might be that they're out there hunting too. It might be that their only mission is to find a BF for one of the three. Girls are more mature about this, they might actually just tell you.

 

"Oh, well it just so happens I'm new here and looking to meet somebody cool. You guys look cool. Are you cool ? .. Yeah ? How cool ?"

 

Always remember, with 3 billion women around, you've got plenty of opportunity for practice. Who cares if you get rejected ? It's just a momentary set back. Always be polite. And honest: "I'm sorry about that. You ladies were just too beautiful to ignore."

 

Just walk up to any woman on the street or wherever and do NOT expect anything, but say SOMETHING. Just practice. "Hi. I couldn't help but notice you. I know this seems creepy, but am I lucky enough that you're single ? Oh Okay, I'm sorry, but if you end up kicking yourself, post something on missed connections in blah blah blah craigslist"

 

It really doesn't matter. Just practice practice practice. Pretty soon talking to people will be second nature. Its like any other skill.

 

You can do this.

[Mary3]

If you are HOT then rejections ( which should be rare ) won't phase you much because a 100 other babes are waiting for the chance to be with ya.. !

[doomed]

Let me tell you a story. There's a guy who always has a date for dinner with a pretty looking girl. He's not a hunk, in fact he's kind of dumpy, but he dresses nice, and wears a nice watch. His secret ? Numbers. Its all in how many attempts he makes, and he needs less attempts as he hones his people skills.

 

Look at it this way: If girls are looking for that one in a million guy, there's 37 of you in California alone. Most women aren't THAT picky.

 

Its not about your failures. Its about your successes.

Read about Disney and what he went through.

Edison tried like a 1,000 filaments before his light bulb worked.

 

Doomed

[a_f_w]

"Oh, well it just so happens I'm new here and looking to meet somebody cool. You guys look cool. Are you cool ? .. Yeah ? How cool ?"

 

lol....

 

doomed - yea I suppose I mean a girlfriend, but just girls in general. Certainly not for casual sex or anything, but, well I don't know really.

 

Thanks for the replies, guys.

I was looking to approach some of the girls that I'd noticed but they were either in a group or dissappeared before I did. No worries.

And yea I've been looking for opportunities to sort of talk to people, and I have done so. I have no trouble talking to people when I need to. I've spent all the last two weeks going around different places promoting my business, so I have to meet strangers all the time. I seem to come off well to 80-90% of them, I reckon.

 

I'll definately keep going out to stuff. And I'm getting involved with this dude, another musician, with whom I hope to form a band and then maybe we'll be performing instead of just watching.

 

The two or three girls who I either was with, or most absolutely definately could have been with, I was FORCED together with. I either lived with them or I was at university with them on the same course, same lectures and everything. I couldn't have avoided them even if I wanted to. Meeting people from scratch is a different thing altogether, hmm.

 

Thanks again - I'll keep you updated, lol

[doomed]

I missed the musician part ... What do you play ??? More importantly - can you just hop on your car hood and start playing ? In a bar parking lot ? Open mike nights ? Even more important - can you play a strip tease ?

 

Lookie here: http://msp35.photobucket.com/albums/d190/Krazeemyke/9a04c45c.jpg

 

doomed

[a_f_w]

Hey again. I think I mentioned I've put up a profile on some dating/personals sites. I've had a bit of interest, and one nice woman wants to meet me this weekend, lol. She's 33, 11 years older than me - I'm not sure what she's looking for but I'll probably accept, it will be an adventure.

There's a couple of others, all local, who I'm getting on with well - one of them is a musician as well so there's that connection at least.

[doomed]

You are an animal !!!

 

Start a new topic called "How to write magnetic profiles on dating sites" and tell us your secret.

 

doomed

[a_f_w]

You are an animal !!!

 

Start a new topic called "How to write magnetic profiles on dating sites" and tell us your secret.

 

doomed

 

I think the key thing is, when messaging someone, to write more than just "hiya hun u ok? x"

 

I just try to pick up on their interests and write a few paragraphs about stuff. In the end it's all about whether they find you phsically appealing, I suppose - but if they do then at least they have something credible to reply about. Just get talking to them about whatever - ask them about stuff you're interested to know, e.g. if they say they're into local music stuff, say you're looking to go to more things like that and maybe they could recommend somewhere for you? Or a sport, or whatever it is. Or if they've been travelling, say how you have as well and wonder where you should go next.

 

I have another meeting with someone else some time next week, should be good. She assures me we're just meeting as friends but she keeps mentioning how good looking I am

 

Yesterday was a bit odd. A nice woman approached me and got talking. After a few minutes I realised who she was (she realised a short while after that) - the ex-girlfriend of the man for whom my girlfriend left me.

[doomed]

Yesterday was a bit odd. A nice woman approached me and got talking. After a few minutes I realised who she was (she realised a short while after that) - the ex-girlfriend of the man for whom my girlfriend left me.

 

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. LOL. That cracks me up. She could be a good friend for you since you already share some common pain.

[a_f_w]

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. LOL. That cracks me up. She could be a good friend for you since you already share some common pain.

 

Well, she left him, actually - a few months before my girlfriend finally made the switch-over. She has a new boyfriend now, as well.

[9Lives]

Funny as in I'd probably seem a bit strange. That's a valid point, though. Friends are always a burden when trying to meet new people, I find.

 

you know what? I agree with this statement. When I am with my gf, it seems like I really dont meet anyone new or they are attracted to her over me. Which I am not necessary complaining but I dont want the competition to be honest with you. I do go out by myself but I feel real akward sort of. It is like i am standing around hoping some one approaches me and I dont want to send off that kind of vibe what so ever dude!!! Have you been there before?

[The Blue Pill]

Let me tell you a story. There's a guy who always has a date for dinner with a pretty looking girl. He's not a hunk, in fact he's kind of dumpy, but he dresses nice, and wears a nice watch. His secret ? Numbers. Its all in how many attempts he makes, and he needs less attempts as he hones his people skills.

 

Instant thread winner.