Newly Wed Wife Wants to Separate

[lonelyuk]

It’s difficult to get this down so please be patient with me.

 

Having been married for less than 8 months, my wife has said she wants to separate.

I have noticed she has become physically and emotionally distant from me since our honeymoon really, and I suppose I was just in denial that we were having problems.

 

So much to say, buts it’s hard to find the words. She only just compounded her want for a separation less than a week ago, and having read some of your threads I thought I would post as I would greatly appreciate any advice and or guidance from you professionals or/and young men who have been in similar situations.

 

Its been shaky since before Christmas and she actually suggest counselling, which sounded like a good idea- no longer interested is she. Since then I have tried to keep positive and optimistic.

 

Basically she says she no longer finds me attractive, and does love me, but is not in love with me. So hard to take is putting it lightly as to how I feel, - I love her dearly and was so content that were would be beginning our new life as a married couple, looking forward to the future, kids the whole package. We have spoken in detail and she can’t tell me were this change in wants stems from, or as to why its all fallen to pieces so quickly (we have been in relationship for 6+ years). I’m most worried about the possibility of another man, either physical or emotional - as she certainly no longer has either that connection with me.

 

The spark that is lost (as she puts it) I’ve suggested maybe we could work on re-lighting by getting away together, taking a year out (both got stressful jobs) and or selling our house and downsizing to take away financial pressures enable us to focus on spending time together.

 

She sees downsizing as a step down the ladder in life, and says she can’t imagine spending a whole year just with me away from her friends and family. Christ, surely im missing something here, I'm her family now, surely our marriage is worth trying anything for?! I certainly think it is worth more than anything in our life’s, but how much of my dignity should I give up by denying what she says is over??

 

I’m confused, heartbroken and very well..all over the place really (today as been the worst so far (day 6), with my emotions changing by the hour - think im feeling better then it all goes belly up again.

 

She keeps asking me if I’m all right, of course Im not all right!! – Certainly not suicidal by any means, and know I will get through it.

 

I just want to try and make some sense of it all.

 

Please help!

[Ronni_W]

I just want to try and make some sense of it all.

It's highly possible that it's not making much sense to your wife, either.

When I started separation/divorce proceedings, I didn't have crystalized thoughts or clear words to describe my experience, either.

 

The 'emotional needs' and 'love busters' questionnaires at marriagebuilders.com may offer each of you some insights -- good idea to the exchange info, if both are agreeable to that. (I came across that site AFTER my divorce, but still found the articles and surveys very helpful.)

 

There's a book that may also offer some generalized ideas. I just ordered it, and still awaiting delivery so can't give a personal critique. An amazon.com customer reviewed it: "[it] made me aware of a psychological phenomena peculiar to married women...theory that married women subconsciously & automatically, 'edit' their behavior from their prior, single lives in order to conform to the role of 'the good wife' is demonstrated by..."

 

Book is 'Marriage Shock' by Dalma Heyn. It's on sale for three bucks at bookcloseouts.com -- shipping probably twice that but still a good deal, I think. Suggest to check-out the amazon customer reviews, though, so you can get a better feel of how well it'll fit in with your needs.

 

Unfortunately, IME, not much you can do while she is all confused and trying to crystalize her own thoughts and feelings. If your relationship does allow you to offer her these same resources, she may appreciate it very much. (I know I would have.)

 

Sorry that you are going through this. I do hope that she'll find whatever is missing -- clarity, wisdom, information -- and that everything will work out best for both of you. Hugs.

[lonelyuk]

Many thanks for the prompt response, need to get some sleep now, hectic day ahead of me work wise.

[MSUE]

OK...this is not easy for me to read because I know what it's like to be in her shoes....I was in a 7 year relationship and we did get married too and we have been separated for a while now...Did he do anything wrong to me? NO did he cheat? NO did he abuse me?NO did hew disrespect me? NO He did absolutely nothing wrong but someway somehow I fell out of love...'NICK' gave me the world and more and he loved me in a way that its unexplicable but I just fell out of love and other man started catching my eye..."NICK" and I lived together even though our marriage was over for a while and during that time I met my now BF...'NICK ' and I eventually figured out what triggered it and it was his job...if that makes any sense...He has an amazing career in bio-medical field. NICK was always home by 6 but one day that alll changed and He was never home anymore he started international travel and was home maybe 6 days a month...I was lonely and had to adjust and alter my life all around cause it was alll me I was suddenly on my own and it was shortly after that I fell slowly but surely out of love...He insisted in counseling and making it work he explained over and over that he did this job to give me the world and he did but what i needed was him and he wasn't there. At first I wanted to do counseling but i knew in my heart that there was no going back...If your wife doesn't want to try or do counseling then that's it...trust me you don't want to be w someone who doesn't want to be w you...NICK and I remain very close friends and talk several times a week we care about each other a great deal and love each other in our own way just not as a married romantc couple...I moved on a long time ago...and as a woman that has lived trough a similar situation i can telll you this...yes it is very possible that there could be another man