Update

[johan]

Not if you learn it growing up. English is about the hardest language there is to learn. Russian is actually pretty simple. Horosho?

[You'reasian]

Not if you learn it growing up. English is about the hardest language there is to learn. Russian is actually pretty simple. Horosho?

 

I didn't know she was Russian? English would seem difficult for someone whom wasn't a native speaker, considering the grammar and tenses and what have you.

 

I don't speak it, but I understand what you mean. What is Horosho? I'm guessing its Russian for 'makes sense' ?

[Storyrider]

Spookie is not going to suddenly start following advice just because people are willing to offer it. If she is suffering from anything, it isn't a lack of information.

 

And knowing what the boundaries are, what others will think of her if she does such and such, and what she is "supposed" to do based on the conventional wisdom is not likely to influence her decisions on much of anything.

[Dumbledore]

Spookie is not going to suddenly start following advice just because people are willing to offer it. If she is suffering from anything, it isn't a lack of information.

 

And knowing what the boundaries are, what others will think of her if she does such and such, and what she is "supposed" to do based on the conventional wisdom is not likely to influence her decisions on much of anything.

Exactly. People need to get real. This is just a website. Nothing happens here. Nothing.

[Storyrider]

Exactly. People need to get real. This is just a website. Nothing happens here. Nothing.

I'm just saying. Know your audience.

[Dumbledore]

I'm just saying. Know your audience.

Absolutely. Or bash one's head against a brick wall. The choice is clear.

[JamesM]

Off topic...Touche, I love your avatar!

 

 

Alright everyone... I had my meeting with HR and I honestly think everyone on here is over-reacting. Maybe it's because I work for a small non-public company, but NO ONE is treating this as that big a deal.

 

 

 

And they said once I got a transfer, we COULD date. =)

 

I have been in HR and Operations Management for many years of my career. The response you get has been well thought out before it was given to you. Everything is done in these situations in a possible preparation for a lawsuit.

 

And yes, it could turn into a sex harassment suit because in the minds of the bosses, if spookie doesn't get the transfer she wants or doesn't get treated as she wants, she could twist this into something that Jack started. "Jack told me to say this." Trust me...I have heard it all.

 

And Spookie, this is not to scare you in the slightest. I think it will all turn out fine, but I also know that management does what it can to prevent a disaster.

 

Someone on a self-destructive path would probably not be well-regarded and holding a job like yours, Spookie. You do play with fire though. blah, blah, get burned, blah, blah, blah... you know. Anyway, I do feel like you dodged a bit of a bullet here. Something told you not to turn this into a really bad situation. I think that's a good thing. People with crappier instincts would have turned this into a mess.

 

 

Good points.

 

Anyone can sue for anything. Doesn't mean you'll win.

 

 

 

You act like this is a whole conspiracy to fire her. Ridiculous.

 

And I don't think it's necessary to imply that Spookie is being naive. There's no evidence of that in my opinion.

 

The public knowledge of a lawsuit can be enough to ruin careers. Even if the end result is innocence, the fallout will be suspicion about what Jack actually did. Even now with management, I am willing to guess he had to defend himself as having done nothing that brought about this attraction.

 

Twenty years ago, this would have been no big deal. Now, if this whole thing came out, jobs could be lost and careers ruined.

 

 

Spookie, I think you handled it well. I think the company has handled it well. Most likely nothing will come of this, but as they have prepared for the worst case scenario, so should you.

[Touche]

Well if things have gotten this bad in the corporate world, I'm sure glad I'm not part of it anymore.

 

I still don't really think that's what's going on here but who really knows, right?

 

(Thanks, for the compliment on my avvy James. That's my PMS avvy but I keep forgetting to change it so it's just stayed there for a couple of months now.)

[shadowplay]

Despite what some other posters said, I really believe Spookie made the right choice. Even if he doesn't ask her out, she's better off removing herself from a work situation that was causing her a lot of obsession and frustration.

[Trialbyfire]

The crux is as follows:

1. How did obsession get to the point where it affected ability to focus on the job?
   
2. In acceptance of issue #1, requesting a transfer is one way of addressing the issue, although I wouldn't have mentioned the reason for it. The less personal issues/drama you bring into a business, the better for your career. Don't crap where you eat.
   

In spookie addressing issue #1, issue #2 wouldn't have existed.

[spookie]

Still not regretful.

 

I didn't have any meetings with anyone today re: the issue, but that's fine, as HR promised a phone call Thursday or Friday. I intend to bring up my hope for getting transferred to the fraud division then.

 

Things are going really well with Jack. I got all my confidence back today that he likes me, though nothing "happened".

[Trialbyfire]

Still not regretful.

And therein lies the problem. You'll thrash around, learning nothing from each drama cycle, pulling yourself out by luck or crook.

 

Each experience in life, should help with personal growth. What have you learned? Probably nothing more than a short-term drama fix.

[CandyGirlXO]

 

Things are going really well with Jack. I got all my confidence back today that he likes me, though nothing "happened".

 

 

Tell us what did he say or do?!?!

[Isolde]

The crux is as follows:

1. How did obsession get to the point where it affected ability to focus on the job?
   
2. In acceptance of issue #1, requesting a transfer is one way of addressing the issue, although I wouldn't have mentioned the reason for it. The less personal issues/drama you bring into a business, the better for your career. Don't crap where you eat.
   

In spookie addressing issue #1, issue #2 wouldn't have existed.

 

What if someone met the perfect person for them at work?

 

I'm not even talking in the context of Spookie's situation. But what if that happened? I think it often does happen as work is where people spend most of their time and where they tend to meet others with fairly similar skills and interests.

 

I'm not saying "look for someone at work" but if the right person is there, it would be such a shame to miss out on that just because it happens to be work.

 

Again, this may have no relation to the thread, but I had to say this.

[Trialbyfire]

What if someone met the perfect person for them at work?

 

I'm not even talking in the context of Spookie's situation. But what if that happened? I think it often does happen as work is where people spend most of their time and where they tend to meet others with fairly similar skills and interests.

 

I'm not saying "look for someone at work" but if the right person is there, it would be such a shame to miss out on that just because it happens to be work.

 

Again, this may have no relation to the thread, but I had to say this.

Love or obsession is a choice. You avoid drama by not allowing yourself to invest in someone who's in the same department or chain of command. If your company guidelines don't specifically state no fraternization amongst any staff, you can date outside your department, somewhere at arms-length. Avoid married men...

[Isolde]

Love or obsession is a choice. You avoid drama by not allowing yourself to invest in someone who's in the same department or chain of command. If your company guidelines don't specifically state no fraternization amongst any staff, you can date outside your department, somewhere at arms-length. Avoid married men...

 

If only it were that easy for people.

Again, while I think meeting at work IS a terrible scenario, it does happen and it is entirely feasible that you could meet an extraordinarily good match in your dept at work. I guess I am just playing devils advocate as usual.

[Trialbyfire]

If only it were that easy for people.

Again, while I think meeting at work IS a terrible scenario, it does happen and it is entirely feasible that you could meet an extraordinarily good match in your dept at work. I guess I am just playing devils advocate as usual.

If it's against company policy, you transfer out or leave the company, if you start dating that person. In spookie's situation, they're not even dating. This is currently unrequited obsession.

 

Everyone has control of their feelings. If not, people would be having fist fights at work on a regular basis. Or they would be making out on desktops, in plain view of the rest of the staff during working hours.

 

Anyways, you get the picture...

[IrishCarBomb]

Doesnt mean you cant sue a company for wrongful dismissal.

 

Sure, she can sue. Doesn't mean she can win.

[JamesM]

Sure, she can sue. Doesn't mean she can win.

 

The "beauty" of lawsuits is not that she can or cannot win...it is that she can settle. Many companies will avoid a lawsuit and settle. Anything is better than going through the hassle and expense of a lawsuit.

 

Besides, the lawsuit would reflect on the management, and boards and owners do look well on mangers whose actions encourage lawsuits.

[IrishCarBomb]

The "beauty" of lawsuits is not that she can or cannot win...it is that she can settle. Many companies will avoid a lawsuit and settle. Anything is better than going through the hassle and expense of a lawsuit.

 

Besides, the lawsuit would reflect on the management, and boards and owners do look well on mangers whose actions encourage lawsuits.

 

All strong points.

 

I just would never see this going much beyond summary judgment for her employer as it would be a pretty easy case for the company to win. (High burden of proof for plaintiffs in these cases and strong deference to business judgment of company management).

 

Still... many companies do settle... and then you can rake in that sweet sweet lawsuit cash! (And us shady lawyers can take our percentage!)

[JamesM]

All strong points.

 

I just would never see this going much beyond summary judgment for her employer as it would be a pretty easy case for the company to win. (High burden of proof for plaintiffs in these cases and strong deference to business judgment of company management).

 

Still... many companies do settle... and then you can rake in that sweet sweet lawsuit cash! (And us shady lawyers can take our percentage!)

 

As you know, it all comes down to bluff. The lawyers do their best to show a tough case and test the company to see how strong they are on their principles. Will they try to get rid of the lawsuit, or will they fight?

 

Many lawyers with weak cases will stop if the company appears too strong or looks as if they will win. Yet strangely some companies that have a strong case will settle simply to avoid the publicity of a court battle.

 

I do agree. I don't see this one being of much concern to the company. Yet to me it appears that they are covering all bases...as well they should.

 

While to me, it also appears that Spookie would not go that route, a company can never be sure.

[Alpha Female]

The outcome of a lawsuit is irrelevant (though you are right - the heavy burden of proof is always on the plaintiff in these cases. Still, it's something every company aims to avoid). The issue is more how HR will be treating her with kid gloves in the short-term before starting the trail to have her removed from the company. If they don't build a case to terminate, then I am certain she will be heavily scrutinized going forward for any remote infraction.

 

I dont think Spookie realizes that by unburdening her feelings, she has already cast suspicion on her beloved Jack and his level of professional conduct. Any time a female in the workplace plays the romance/sex/love card, no matter how well-respected the man may be, he will be viewed with some skepticism.

 

Much like Trial by Fire has been saying, I'm not sure she really considers who is left in the wake of what she does. I'm sure she feels better, but this has only caused problems for Jack. Because it is so highly unusual to have a female subordinate request a transfer because of an unrequited crush, the natural jump is to believe he did something to either encourage her, or that he actually engaged. Her reaction is just not normal for the situation, and that is what casts doubt on Jack.

[JamesM]

 

Much like Trial by Fire has been saying, I'm not sure she really considers who is left in the wake of what she does. I'm sure she feels better, but this has only caused problems for Jack. Because it is so highly unusual to have a female subordinate request a transfer because of an unrequited crush, the natural jump is to believe he did something to either encourage her, or that he actually engaged. Her reaction is just not normal for the situation, and that is what casts doubt on Jack.

 

Bingo. This is the key to why it changes everything for Spookie.

[sunshinegirl]

Spookie, when you said that the HR people were really really positive about you and trying so hard to find you a new spot because they'd hate to lose you...

 

...my first thought was that they were handling you with kid gloves and being overly nice about accommodating you to head off any potential lawsuits.

 

Not that you're not good at your job...but if this is the first time you've ever heard such glowing feedback from these folks... I'd think twice about how genuine it is.

[Alpha Female]

Bingo. This is the key to why it changes everything for Spookie.

 

It changes things for Jack quite a bit as well.

 

James, you wrote you worked in HR, too. Then you know that you never have a female request a transfer for a "crush". Even though we all know it's true, her company is not believing it was just this innocent. Even if an investigation reveals it was this simple, then she will be viewed as extremely emotionally imbalanced.

 

I know others have commented they think this is extreme, but I have been in HR for 20 years, and I have never once had an employee do this. The closest I came was a gal who said she couldn't get along with a coworker, and she wanted to transfer. Even then, she was viewed as highly problematic. But in this situation, not being able to contain and control a crush impulse is viewed as highly improper and unhealthy.

 

To those who think my assessment is strong: ask yourself this. Have you ever had a friend of colleague who asked for a job transfer after 6 months because they couldn't control their obsession for another person in the workplace?